Fifty-Six
by maxigrumpling
Summary: Edward is a rake. A modern day 'guy' even though he's a 120 yr old vampire. What happens to a guy who meets a girl who isn't his type, but turns him inside out? He wants to tell you and he needs your advice on how to fix what he thinks is broken about himself. Stupid bugger doesn't realize he's not broken, somethings just been missing. Edw/Bella. Some rough sexual themes. Dom/Sub.
1. Chapter 1

There is a dark, dangerous world and I am a part of its seedy underbelly.

I'm not ashamed, nor am I one to advertise my participation. But there are people around me who know what I do.

There are others. And they are just like me. Though I doubt the validity of some of their motives, they do share one basic component of their emotional makeup with me.

They, too, are incapable of emotional response.

They, too, like me, prefer the company of faceless women.

And, like me, when the door closes at the end of the evening I give those women no further thought.

Have no doubt, though, that while I am with them they are treated with the utmost respect. But when I no longer need them – their company, their bodies, their minds and their attention – I leave and I never return.

To you, looking at me now, I quite possibly seem heartless, broken even, but I assure you that I am not. I am whole. I have a heart - that admittedly I guard carefully - and I am capable of love.

Capable, yes. Willing to give in to its clawing nature, not so much.

Don't pity me.

It is a choice.

A lifestyle.

And it makes me happy.

At least it did.

Keep something in mind as you try to decide whether to read what I'm about to tell you?

Some bathe in the glow of others love, some in the darkness of guilt, but bathe we all do...

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**A/N: Thank you for reading. **

**Please review. **


	2. Chapter 2

I'll take you back to where it happened and then you can judge for yourself if I've totally fucked up what up until now has been a perfectly satisfactory existence.

I want you to see this clearly, so the gloves have come off. I won't sugar coat the tale and I won't spare the sensibilities of those involved. Myself included. I will tell you the truth, no matter you opinion of me at the end. Those involved will likely never see this account anyway. I'll destroy this journal once I'm done getting down what happened.

I won't want to be reminded of it too often, I don't suppose.

But first. There are several things you'll need to know about me personally – and a few others who share my space – for this to make sense, and so that you can make an informed decision for yourself. I'll make this part brief. You'll understand me, us, them, better as the tale unfolds anyway. It's inevitable as these things go.

I am Edward Anthony Masen Cullen.

Quite the mouthful isn't it? I came by these names fairly, though the story in itself I think you would find interesting. The origins of my many names will become clear as I explain my situation.

Firstly, don't call me Eddie. Or Ed, or anything else for that matter. You may call me Sir when the situation warrants, or Mr Cullen during others. But not Eddie.

Secondly, the name Cullen is shared by my 'parents' and quite a few 'siblings'. Notice the inverted commas there? They're there not because I'm the grammar police, though good grammar is as important as good manners, they're there because we are a family in name only.

We are all Cullen's and we are a family.

Esme and Carlisle Cullen are my parents for all intents and purposes, though neither of them gave me any genetic material to make them such. Circumstance and nothing more brought me to Carlisle, and by extension Esme.

Rose, Emmett, Alice and Jasper Cullen are my siblings. Again, it was circumstance, and not a little luck in part, that made us such.

Genetics have never held any interest for me. For me I much prefer that which is tangible. We seven lived together, ate together, and slept under one roof. Carlisle gave me his name and his protection and respect. In turn I gave him mine. And when the time came to absorb the others into our group the same was true. This is what made us a family. Not genetics. Not some cosmic fate and not the act of sex, though of course we were all born into this world in the regular way. Just not by Esme or Carlisle.

By modern standards our group would be called an adoptive family, or foster family. But we are much closer than that. There are no secrets among us and each knows the other in essence.

My family lives in an obscure, dark and quiet town by the name of Forks, Washington. Under an almost constant cover of cloud and drizzling rain we thrive. Driven by the need for privacy (that this tiny town afforded us without too much effort) and the need to hunt.

Hunt. An interesting word isn't it? The Oxford Dictionary defines it as a verb, to 'pursue and kill an animal for sport or food'.

It's also defined as the act of locating someone or something. To hunt them down.

For me, or more precisely, for the Cullen's, that's how we live so successfully in our little town.

We need animals, preferably large carnivorous predators, to sustain us. Their blood, rich in vitamins and minerals and carrying all we need to prolong this existence, was is in abundance on the outskirts of what is otherwise a very normal, sleepy town.

Am I talking about the Cullen family being hunters? Definitely. Am I talking about us being meat eaters? In its truest form no.

We consumed the animals, that part is true.

Do we ingest the meat, no.

We drink from them.

We bring them to the ground. Dominate them. And when they are prone we sink our teeth into the flesh at their throats and take from them the blood that had kept them alive.

We are a coven of vampires, all.

So now you're probably cringing, or scoffing, in equal measure.

Vampires? In continental America? In Washington?

Go on. Admit it. You're picturing capes and fangs and us in a creepy, isolated decrepit mansion where we drag young unsuspecting girls – and boys for the female abominations amongst us - to meet their doom.

In your mind's eye you can see us. Pale. Probably dressed all in black, cape optional depending on the fairy tales you were told as a child, and that we'd be easily spotted if we went out amongst the general public.

In part I wish that was true. But it isn't.

You're imagining dangerous, blood sucking monsters with no humanity inside them. Vile, vicious creatures who think nothing of their victims. The families of victims. The cold, drained corpses of innocent youths who happen upon us, or us upon them, while they are minding their own business. Hideous, soulless fiends with no conscience that roam the planet looking for victims.

Go on, admit it. You can picture it, cant you?

I don't blame your ignorance for you have no point of reference.

In truth, had you ever come face to face with a vampire you'd never have known it. At least not one like me anyway. Okay, that may not be the truth either. Let's say had you come face to face with any other member of my family you'd never have seen what they truly were. Me? Possibly. Probably. If you possessed a strong sense of self preservation you might have. But I digress.

To the standard, run of the mill, normal man – or woman before the politically correct among you begin bleating – my family would appear to be the quintessential all American family. Wife, husband, five children of various talents and degrees. Nice house. Well kept lawn. We drive the speed limit, mostly. No trouble with the law. Good grades from the children and tasty cakes delivered to the local Aged Welfare League Meals on Wheels with regular sincerity from the wife.

We dress like you. We look like you, though slightly ethereally beautiful in a Botox and Hollywood smile kind of way. We work, we go to school. We pay our taxes and what we do behind closed doors would shock the neighbours just like every one of you.

Take a closer look and you might see something slightly 'off', but not enough for you to begin to wonder what we were, rather than who we were. You'd put your misgivings down to us being wealthy, or unusually blessed by the good looks fairy. Perhaps you'd begin to question your view of us because you were jealous of our easy path through school, or the corporate ladder in my father's case. Perhaps my mother's choice of clothing would make you envious that she can remain at home during the day and 'play' house while my father makes enough cash for her to shop for such luxuries.

Maybe the cars my siblings and I arrive and leave in seem ostentatious. Something about the way we pick at our food in restaurants or cafes makes us seem indifferent to everyday food. The sneer I give when a human boy makes a fool of himself in front of his crush, or the way my sisters giggle somewhat nastily when a human girl does everything she can to attract her admirer but the boy still insists my sisters are hotter would make you uneasy around us.

But, it may be far simpler than that.

It might just be because whilst my family and I _do_ live amongst the humans in this little town quite happily, we know we frighten you. And you can't work out why that is.

It's alright. We don't think you're stupid, or naive, or even ignorant. And we definitely don't treat you as such when we notice how afraid you are. We smile, move on. Leaving you to live your life however you'd like to.

But, you see, dear human, you are prey. If we slipped even slightly from this high perch we've set ourselves apart on we'd take you down. We would take you to the ground as we do the elk and deer that roam the woods. We would incapacitate you with our strength, speed and vicious nature. We would drink from you and you would die.

It's nothing personal. And I don't mean _you_ specifically. I mean humans in general.

That we choose not to do this is not because of you but because of Carlisle.

He wants a different life for us than the existence he sees our brethren indulging in.

Endless years of death, depravity and lack of conscience.

He wants refinement. Manners. Civility. Humanity.

And we follow. It's not who we were born as. Humans, all. But it's who we've chosen to become.

We live a life bound by rules. Rules that govern how we behave, how we speak. How we dress and how we interact with the humans around us. They are self imposed rules and they've allowed us this peaceful existence for over one hundred years – in my case. The others shorter and longer depending on to whom you refer, but the length of time is great in all instances.

I disliked rules as a human and I loathe them now that I find myself a one hundred and twenty odd year old vampire of dubious personal conviction.

We live here, in Forks Washington, because we like it here. It is the latest in a long line of abodes and is unlikely to be the last. We move when warranted. We move when it becomes impossible to maintain the outward appearance of Mrs and Mrs Suburbia and family et al. We move when one of us slips and takes a life. We move when questioned too closely to the mark. We move when I grow tired of being alone when all around me there are couples who are devoted. We move when I behave too badly for the family to cover it successfully.

You see, dear reader, I am the black sheep of the family Cullen.

And if the things I thought, and did on occasion, were acceptable in either the human world or the vampire world that I straddle daily, I wouldn't find myself writing this now. I wouldn't be asking your opinion. Trying to recount my tale in a way that incites your reaction. Or looking for some solution to the pressure that's building inside me.

If I had to live in self imposed isolation, away from the lives of ordinary humans going about their personal business, I'd never have met her.

If banishment to this tiny slice of rain soaked hell could've saved me from the torment of her scent I'd have come here gladly, long ago, and never left.

And yet, here I still am. Still here. Unable to leave. Unable to move on. Unable to admit that it is _she_ that keeps me here despite my knowing that it is in everyone's best interest that I leave.

But I am stuck. It's as though there is a rope that's holding me, binding me. It's wrapped itself around my common sense and has removed rational thought from my brain. I _have_ to stay here. Not because I'm needed, nor particularly wanted here, but I _must_.

Enough, now, about the internal torments of a perpetual teenage boy. Though that is surely what I am. Changed at age 18 I have spent this past century exactly as I was when Carlisle gave me this abominable gift of immortality. Oh, the physical has not changed. Not one hair. Not one crease or blemish. But the brain. The brain grows. It matures while the body does not. The senses heighten and the dull ache of loneliness settles in the chest cavity just as it does for humans. And whilst there is no beating heart within it the body and brain begin to take covert meetings to discuss your ever increasing savagery. Your lack of empathy. Your quickly fading sympathy toward the plight of humans around you. They begin to move to the far recesses of your psyche and make copious notes about what you could have had, should have had, had your mortal life taken its intended path. They collaborate, strategise and even though you don't notice it at first, they begin to make you want things you never thought you wanted before.

And then the fantasies begin.

Let me say, right from the off, that it is our ability to fantasize that makes us inherently human. It is a part of us that distinguishes us from animals. It's not the only thing, but one of several important traits. The ability to see or feel something, smell or taste something that makes us want more of it. Our brains want us to have that which makes us feel good. It relives that sensation – be it a feeling, a smell or a sight – and makes us want it in reality. We dream about it. We play it over and over and like a game of Chinese whispers we mould and adapt it to fit what we need.

Hopefully, and if conditions are right, we will experience it again and we do gain that fleeting feeling of exaltation it brings. Sometimes we find something similar and that sates us. At other times we stumble across something better and let go of the initial fantastical desire and sometimes we are given – sometimes by seemingly divine intervention – the reality of that fantasy to enjoy.

There is nothing divine about me, or my family. And as such I've never felt I deserved my fantasy to have in any form of longevity.

After all, it was my draw to depravity that put her in my path. How could an act so depraved, so despicable to normal conscience bring me into contact with that that I now crave?

It was chance that put me there. Sheer luck that drew her number. Accident that she would knock on the wrong door. Coincidence I was waiting for a female that night when just as easily it could have been a male.

Chance that my brothers and sisters chose that night to try and put a stop to my self destruction.

In short, had she never removed her leather hood I'd never have known who it was I was beating.

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**A/N: Thank you for reading. **

**Please review. **


	3. Chapter 3

It started innocuously, as these things usually do.

A chance encounter that led to a random sexual experience that shifted everything on its axis for me.

I supposed I should let you know that vampires aren't sexless. Or, maybe I should say that we aren't asexual. It's true that there are those of us who don't particularly care which sex they attract and for them sex is just sex. But those of us who choose to live amongst humans, and do as humans do, we pretty much stick to whatever our sexual proclivities were when we'd been human. And that is true for me. I like the ladies.

I'd indulged in my time. I'd even tried dating a time or two. But bloodlust and sexual lust have an annoying habit of overlapping. Remember when I told you that my family had had to move on a few times because I'd slipped? Yeah. When I slipped I tended to do it during sexual play. Sue me. I'm a guy. We like sex. I just hadn't quite mastered the art of 'getting off' without 'tearing off', so to speak.

Anyway, back to this girl. She was different. She changed everything for me.

You're probably imagining some out of body experience. That this random woman made such a deep impression on me that I fell headlong into love with her and now I'm struggling with my humanity because she changed me fundamentally with her magical vagina.

Wrong, wrong and a bit more wrong. Vaginas aren't magical. What are you thinking?

She didn't ensnare me with her femininity. She didn't blast away the coldness of my heart and thaw out my icy emotional demeanour. She didn't shock my conscience into life and she didn't wrap me in a warm, fluffy blanket of love.

What she did do is flog the living stuffing out of me.

I'm strong, okay? Vampire strong. That part of the fairy tale is true. And she was very attractive in a 'black leather skirt and thigh high stiletto heels' kind of way. She was arrogant and confident. Not at all coquettish and not at all intimidated by me. But she flogged me good despite my strength and despite my careful countenance.

In short this girl was all the things I didn't usually look for in a partner.

And before you get on your soapbox, no, I don't know her name. And it's not because she didn't mean anything to me and I can't remember. She never gave it. So for the purposes of the story I'll just keep calling her this girl, or she, or whatever the sentence requires and you can just know that if she'd told me her name I'd tell you. Gloves off, remember?

So, _she_ wasn't my usual. I liked them reserved. I like the girl next-door look. Long hair, braided if possible. I liked long skirts, demure blouses and plain gold jewellery. I liked a soft voice and soft creamy skin. I liked it when they were shy. I liked guileless. I liked pretty but not stunning. I guess I liked what my peers had had when I'd been eighteen.

That was hard to find for me. Clubs didn't usually attract 'nice' girls before midnight. Or if they did it was because they'd been dragged there under duress by groups of other girls and spent the night as the designated driver. Sober didn't often equal pick up for me. I know that's less than gentlemanly. I don't need her to be drunk, just a little uninhibited. More open minded I guess.

Sometimes you'd spot a nice girl who wasn't sober, but more often than not she was the one in the middle of the group with the veil and the 'I'm the bride, buy me a drink' button pinned to her dress. Again, that wasn't going to equal pick up for me.

So I tended to go for quieter clubs. Not that many of those existed. If I'd been through a bit of a dry spell and was needing some physical company I'd get sneaky and go to clubs at opening instead of closer to closing time. The nice girls tended to arrive early and leave early. I have good statistical research returns to prove this. Pubs were okay too if I could manage to find one that didn't turn into a den of iniquity after dark. Cafes too. It was amazing how many nice girls frequented cafes. They'd sit for hours reading, or texting, or just watching the world go by. It wasn't difficult to strike up a conversation when you're blessed with ethereal looks and charm up the wazoo. It's a vampire thing. I wasn't charming, nor particularly handsome, as a human. I scored those after my change. I thought I was using the gifts wisely at the time.

I should tell you, just so you can keep my situation straight in your mind, that my siblings are pairs. Emmett is with Rose. Jasper was is with Alice. Carlisle and Esme you know about. So they are all paired up and blissfully happy too. Which sucked for me because I was perpetually the odd man out.

So I went to the clubs and pubs alone. I never took anyone home. I always went to their place. I never called, even though I always promised I would.

I'm not the only guy on the planet with a thousand girls numbers in his cell phone and no intention, or inclination, to ever call any of them. Chivalry really is dead. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. But it is. Guys aren't gonna call. Sorry ladies. If you want to see him again take his number. Call him. And that three day rule you have all seemed to have hung your hopes on? Stupidity. If he wants to call you, or see you again, he'll call the next morning. Three days and it's a no brainer. Stop waiting.

So I'm a shit as well as a vampire.

I never called. I never 'hooked up again next weekend because, you know, I come to this club all the time so let's not make plans but maybe I'll see you here next Saturday'.

And I was happy with my life. I wasn't exactly looking for love but I wasn't opposed to holding on to it if it ever found me either. I didn't set out to be a heart breaker and didn't understand the angry, reproachful remarks my family made after I'd made a conquest and then never called or saw her again. I didn't ever stop to think about the hearts of my partners. After all, after an hour or two in someone's company how could a human heart form such an attachment? It was ridiculous and I scoffed at the family for suggesting I was hurting anyone.

So I cut as much of a swathe through whatever city's nightlife we were living in at the time as I could. Without attachment.

I was lonely, but not enough to turn a mate.

I'd never do that. The others had, but it wasn't for me.

And the chances of finding another already turned vampire female that I could be with for eternity was slim to none considering our particular lifestyle. We weren't the only 'vegetarians' we knew of, but the ones we did know were all mated too.

The idea of waiting out a decade, or more, while a new vampire conquered her thirst sounded nothing like bliss to me.

So I was alone. Didn't bother me all that much. I sought as much company as I wanted and I wasn't hurting anyone into the bargain. Screw the family and what they thought. Wasn't like they could do anything about it anymore than I could. Short of turning someone for me, which would more than likely lead to a fight and the loss of someone's body parts.

Oh calm down. They grow back if you attach them quick enough.

So, this girl who began this spiral I'm living in now. Right.

This girl wasn't my type at all. For a start she was tall. I didn't like tall. I liked the feeling of being big, bigger maybe. I'm six-three so I didn't often find a girl who was too tall, but this girl was. She was maybe five-ten or eleven and she was sleek rather than petite. She was all feline curves and long lines. She was dark haired too, which wasn't exactly a deal breaker, but I usually went for blondes or at least mousey browns. This one was dark, in every sense of the word. Hair, clothing, attitude.

Now, as I've explained, you humans are supposed to be scared of us. We're supposed to invoke the fight or flight response. And while it's true that the girl next-door types didn't always choose flight, flight nearly always was the better option when they saw me, but a very select few sometimes fought it long enough to try me out.

But this girl, the dark girl, she didn't hesitate.

I was stood there, propping up the bar in that club like the thirty or so guys in the joint were. I couldn't consume the liquor in my glass but made a good show of looking as though I was.

It was at times like that that I wouldn't have minded at all being able to read minds.

Vampires are supposed to have tricks like that, right? In the stories you've been told, or read or heard, vampires stalk the night and use mind bending tricks to get innocent, young (why are they always young? Mature ladies need lovin too) victims to following them back to their dungeons willingly. It's stupid and it's insulting. We can't fly either, before you ask. And turning into bats is ridiculous. Think about it. If you were blessed with supernatural powers over physics and the laws of gravity would you want to turn into a bat? You'd pick something kick ass. Like a hawk. Or a vulture. Or something sleek and sexy like an eagle. Yeah. A massive, Golden Eagle. Those huge suckers were used in Europe to hunt wolves! How awesome would that be? You could fly around and pick out a mangy, flea riddled wolf and pluck it from the ground and soar off with it in your claws. You'd be the king of the skies. Not some hideous, fruit eating, webbed thing with ugly claws that hangs out in caves and lives in its own shit.

No, given the choice, and saying it was possible, you wouldn't pick a bat. Eagle is much better. But we weren't given a bloody choice and it's stupid anyway. Fairy tales. Nothing more.

Oh, and we aren't bothered by garlic or silver either. Garlic is gross no matter your species. It stinks. It seeps out your pores if you eat too much of it and it bothers me about as much as chilli. It doesn't.

Silver either. It's shiny and it's metal. That's about as interested in it as vampires get. We don't cower from it and we don't covet it. Silver bullets are just expensive. They don't work any better than other bullets do. Same goes for wooden ones. They sting like hell when they embed themselves in your skin, and you spend a good day and a half trying to pluck the little fucker from the healing wound, but it won't kill us.

Same goes for staking us, heart or otherwise. Have at it. But apart from a couple of splinters it won't do much but piss us off. You don't want us pissed at you, for obvious reasons.

What else? Oh, the sun. Sorry to disappoint but that won't kill us either. We can bake it in and nothing. No tan. No melanoma. No wrinkles. Sucks to be human now doesn't it? Oh, and we don't fucking sparkle. Jesus. If I see one more description of a sparkly assed, uber shiny hunk playing a vampire on telly I'll fucking puke. Oh, that's impossible too. Just so you know. Not sure why you'd care, but I can't puke. Or pee. Or fart, shit or burp. Nuff said? Good.

I'll put the kybosh on facial hair, ass grapes and spilling my seed into some unsuspecting female and creating a race of super human/vampire hybrids too while we're at it. Nope. Nada. Can't happen.

Right. We on the same page?

I'm a vampire. I don't have super powers. I don't do mind tricks. I can't get sick or make you sick or pregnant. I can bite you, but unless you drink a shitload of my blood in return I'll be returning you to your apartment in exactly the same condition at the end of the evening as you left it. Hopefully sexually satisfied, but no worse off for the experience. Who knows, you might even like it if I bite you. But I'm not gonna. That's how 'slips' happen. Got it?

Right.

Onward.

So, I'm leaning against the bar, pretending to drink. The thirty other guys are doing the same. They're all humans, just for information's sake.

There are lots of pretty girls in the club. It's early. What can I say? I was horny and I was using all my best research to score. So, there's two potentials and quite a few maybes in attendance. Big cities attract big crowds, so I was in with a shot.

Potential number one was slight, sober and blonde. Check, check and check.

Potential number two was bigger though not unattractively big, slightly less sober and slightly less blonde. Check, check and why the hell not, check.

They were in the middle of two groups. Very different groups too. One was a leaving party for a group of office girls. The other was a coming out party for a recently confirmed lesbian who just happened to have a group of heterosexual friends. Didn't bother me. I wasn't averse to trying my hand at turning a girl back to the right team.

And before you gape, or start emailing me pro-gay pamphlets, let me just say that I use the term 'right team' in its broadest sense. Every guy thinks he can turn lesbians around. It's a left over psychological thing from when we lived in caves. I didn't invent it. I don't claim I agree every time. But guys want to think they are manly enough, macho enough, that if they just got the chance to bed that poor, lost little lesbian she'll realise the error of her ways and start liking dick again. It's probably not right, but like I said, I didn't invent the concept.

So, the two groups were at opposite ends of the club. They'd splinter into smaller groups or pairs and dance, and then come together again as groups of girls tended to do. They'd drink some more, scope the room for potentials of their own now and then, then come back together to discuss further the merits of whatever petty drama was keeping their attention amongst their group at the time. It's what girls do.

There were other groups, of course, but I'd pegged my two potentials from these two groups so there is no need to describe for you in any detail much else. You don't care what club it was, right? You don't care that like every other club, in every other city, in every other state, that the barman was attractive in an aloof sort of way. The doorman was tall, broad, had a nametag and a bad attitude. You don't care that the walls were stained, as was the floor and that the music was too loud, too fast and a hell of lot crapper than it sounded on your iPod.

I watched, waited and listened to the two potentials as they moved within their groups. One of them, number one, had already pegged me with a sweet little stare, so I decided to go with her.

She had a nice smile and her laugh was infectious.

I had just decided to try my luck by asking her to dance when I was tapped on the shoulder. Now, I was propping up the bar, so the tap could quite easily have been more of a 'move out the way you dickhead' than a 'hey big boy, wanna dance' thing. I didn't know which it was until I turned to see who'd done the tapping.

_She_ did. You know? _She_. The one I was telling you about. Tall, dark hair, dark attitude, leather skirt and sinful boots.

I'd never been approached before. I was usually the one who did the approaching. So the whole situation was new, right from the off. She stood there, grin on her lips, staring at me.

"Yes?" I asked lamely. What else was I going to say, by the way? I can't read minds, remember?

She sided me, as in she slipped in beside me, and way closer than a human normally would, and fronted me. This girl had balls. Metaphorical ones. We'll get onto my foray into the male world of sexuality at some point, but not right now.

She gripped the front of my button down between her black painted nails, stood on her toes and breathed huskily into my ear. "Nice girls are fun and all, but ever thought about a bad one?"

Then she let me go, turned back to face the bar, slid a twenty across it and gestured to the barman to replace her empty glass.

To say I was stunned is an understatement, so I won't bore you with that. But I was. How did she know I'd picked two nice girls from the crowd? How did she know I'd picked anyone? Couldn't I just be standing next to the bar enjoying a quiet, solitary drink?

Much later, after the fact, I began to wonder if I'd shown any signs of being predatory that night. Had I given off the vibe of being on the hunt? Did she see me do something, look a certain way, that made her so sure I was targeting anyone, let alone a nice girl?

But at the time I just stared at her retreating back as she sashayed across the floor and took a seat in a booth. On her own.

This girl wasn't part of a group. She wasn't a giggler like the others. She wasn't gossiping or flirting with anyone. She wasn't part of a party and she wasn't dancing. So what, exactly, was she doing in the club that night?

She looked normal, human. She gave off the normal scent. Blood, blood, and for good measure a nice mix of blood and pheromones. She moved in a human way, as opposed to how I moved which had, at certain times, been described to me as like watching mercury slither across an uneven surface. She was bold and confident and she sat, on her own, without a seeming care in the world.

She wasn't looking for company, despite having just propositioned me. She was happy in her solitary booth, with her own company. She wasn't nervous or anxious because she was a lone female amongst groups and pairs.

And what exactly constituted a bad girl?

She didn't hang her towel on the rail at the end of her bathing routine? She didn't wipe her feet when coming indoors? She didn't floss as regularly as she should?

I had no clue. I'd never sought a bad girl before so had no point of reference.

I couldn't phone a friend and there was no way I was asking the thirty males keeping the bar from toppling over what they thought. That meant a fifty-fifty shot in the dark.

I took one more look at my two potentials. Number one was now thrusting her tongue down the throat of the newly converted lesbian. I guess that put paid to that. Number two was tapping her car keys on the table top and looked bored and ready to leave. She still had potential, despite her obvious lack of enthusiasm for the good time being had by her friends. But the idea that I'd have to wait until she'd taken her friend's home safely and _then_ try to convince her to let me go home with her no longer held such a fascination for me.

I didn't mind having to work for my pleasure, but I knew a dead end when I saw one.

That left the _girl_.

I took another look at where she sat, tipped my glass over so that the contents soaked conveniently into the napkin before I brought it to my lips and 'drank' its contents. I dug into my pants pocket and transferred my wallet into my coat – you never knew when someone was going to have a go at ripping you off while you're vulnerable, or had your pants round your ankles – nodded once to the barman using the universal 'I'm done' gesture and walked as casually as I could to her booth.

She looked up at me through her lashes but said nothing. I guess it was going to be down to me to make this happen.

"Do bad girls drive or do they need a ride to where they're going?" I asked.

She grinned; somewhat evilly I recall now, slugged back the last of her drink and dug into her purse for her keys. She swung them from her index finger. "I drive. You follow."

It seemed that was that. The deal, whatever the hell it was, was struck and I was to follow.

Now, I know you're going to want me to tell you that I drive some impossibly fast, overpriced, precision piece of high class engineering. I get that. The guys in these stories always do. So if you want me to, or need me to tell you that, I will. Just to appease you. Let's say I slid into the supple leather of my Pagani Zonda and felt the roar of the engine beneath me as I followed her lead out of the parking lot.

For those of you who care what I drive just know that I got into my Volvo like a regular guy and that the radio was probably playing Biffy Clyro.

She drove toward the end of the block and swung right, I followed. I had no idea where we were going, or what I'd find when I got there, but I followed. Was she taking me to her place? Someone else's? Was she luring me away for something sinister? God I hoped so!

I was intrigued as to what constituted bad for her and I desperately wanted release.

Another left and then another right and she pulled into a parking garage under a nice residential building that was lit up like a Christmas tree. I parked on the street.

She came out of the stairs by the front doors, motioned for me to follow by crooking a finger at me, opened the door using a key and waited for me to join her on the stoop. I did. She smiled then ushered me inside.

As we walked up the two flights of stairs to the floor she was after she spoke in a hushed tone, "Elderly neighbours, but don't worry, my place is sound proofed."

I couldn't think what she'd need her apartment sound proofed for but I nodded as though I knew. I let her lead us into a neatly furnished, perfectly normal apartment. She flicked on two overhead lights as she went into the main room, threw her keys and purse down onto the countertop in the little kitchen and opened her cell phone. She dialled while I stood there like a shag on a rock, not knowing what the fuck I'd gotten myself into, and wondering who the hell she was calling.

I didn't have to wait long.

The line obviously connected because she began to speak cryptically.

"It's me," she paused, "One male, vehicle registration xyz123 (obviously I'm not giving you my registration number, stalker!). Give me an hour, I'll check in."

With that she closed the phone and set it beside her keys. She turned to me, smiled slightly and headed toward the refrigerator. "Drink?" she asked as she extracted a bottle from within it. I shook my head and she shrugged "Suit yourself." She poured an overly large portion into a monumentally sized crystal goblet and took a long drink. She put the glass on its foot on the counter and looked me over from head to toe. "Shall we set a few rules?"

Now, I'm a vampire, and as I said before, we lived by an extensive set of rules. So rules themselves didn't bother me. After all, I could take or leave them depending on exactly what it was she had in mind. I could leave if I didn't like what she had to say.

"Sure," I told her as confidently as I could.

She smirked then and twirled the glass around her fingertips before taking another sip. "A newbie, how delicious," she whispered to herself. No human ear could've picked it up, but my vampire ones did. A newbie? And more specifically a newbie what? "Firstly," she said loud enough to share, "I don't want to know your name, so don't give it."

"Fine," I smirked in return. After all, if she didn't know who I was she'd never be able to stalk me later.

"Second, we use protection in all its forms." This was said so matter of factly I was glad I'd knocked back the offer of the drink because I'd have spat it at her feet at that.

"Of course," I tell her, smiling. Of course I knew I couldn't catch anything from her, or give her anything nasty from myself, but only an idiot in this day and age would agree to unprotected sex – and by now I was pretty sure that's where this was heading – with someone they knew nothing about.

She nodded once then continued on. This was a well rehearsed format I came to see. Whatever sort of newbie I was she wasn't. She wasn't nervous, or anxious, and she certainly wasn't afraid of me like she should be. It was a curiously intoxicating mix.

I began to wonder if I'd just found the perfect female specimen. Arrogant confidence, nameless sex and no sense of self preservation.

And then she spoke again.

"And three," she grinned and moved towards me, once again sliding her fingernails through the placket of my button down, "Your safe word will be Pandora."

* * *

**A/N: The response so far as blown me away. So I thank you all for all the lovely encouraging messages. **

**Thank you for reading. **

**Please review. **


	4. Chapter 4

Pandora?

I'm not a prude, and I did know what a safe word was for, but why I was going to need one was still the million dollar question as she led me to the living room.

At this point I knew three things.

One, I knew I'd never I'd need her safe word. Nothing a human could do to me was ever going to hurt me physically.

Two, she would have her fun for exactly one hour, and then I would be released back into the wild. Suited me and saved me from the inevitable awkwardness of the 'do you want to stay the night' discussion.

And three, I had no idea what I was doing but my dick thought it was great so far.

Once in the living room she took a remote from the coffee table and fiddled with the buttons for a few seconds before replacing it squarely on the table. At once the two overhead lights dimmed and were joined by a dozen others, in strategic places in the ceiling that cast the room in a golden glow.

She sat in one of the overstuffed armchairs and as I was about to turn and do the same she clucked her tongue at me. "I sit, you stand," she told me as she began to undo the zip on one of her boots.

"Right," I muttered and squared my shoulders where I stood.

She scowled but said nothing more. She wasn't to know that I could stand still for hours, days, at a time and it would never bother me. But for her benefit I gave the impression of doing as I was told.

I watched as her boots were placed neatly beside the chair and she once again rose to her full height. I knew she had more to say from the expression on her face and waited patiently while she circled me. No, that's incorrect. She didn't just circle me. She paced in a circle around my body. She huffed, hummed and then slapped my ass!

It took me half a second to let the obligatory 'oomph' out of my mouth and it seemed as though that was what she was waiting for because within another half second she gave it another good slap. "Quiet," she hissed behind me.

Right. Got it. She wanted to be in control. I can do that I thought at the time.

Right about the time I was beginning to wonder how the hell I was going to screw this girl without uttering a sound she spoke again. A woman of few words she was, which surprisingly made me harder than I already was. It wasn't that she said so little, it was the tone she said it. Forcefully. Confidently.

She knew what she was doing and she knew what she wanted from me, I just hadn't caught up to her as yet.

But I would. I was smart and adaptable.

"Strip," she barked in my left ear before coming around to the front of me and perching on the edge of her seat once again. "Slowly."

I indulged her, though I'm sure my efforts were ridiculous. I got the impression that she wasn't looking for sensuality, and that was lucky because I didn't do sensual. Instead I settled on somewhere between indifference and obedience. Either way she bought it.

When I was down to my boxers she raised an eyebrow and I shed those too.

I was surprised by her praise when it came. I still don't know why that is. Maybe you can shed some light on that part for me, dear reader?

"Nice," she told me as she once again began circling my now naked body. "You take good care of yourself, that's good," she told me as she ran her hand down my chest and over my abs. "Natural, I like it," she whispered as she used the palm of her hand to cup my manhood.

Now I was starting to worry. If my junk was natural what the hell had she seen that wasn't? Should I worry about that when she'd said that she liked natural? And should I be concerned that this girl seemed to be a 'natural' aficionado?

"Um, thanks," I said without thinking and earned another short, sharp slap to my rear.

"You'll learn," she sniggered as I let out my required 'oomph'.

(This is the part, dear readers, where things get decidedly blue. For those of you who have sensitive constitutions, or prefer the notion that sex is a beautiful thing between consensual adults that's filled with mutual respect and passion, this is probably a good time to hit 'next' and just begin at the next chapter. We'll all assume you've realised that this girl and I are about to have sex and we can move on to why it weirded me out in chapter five. Everyone else, strap yourselves in. I'm about to have my 'natural' manhood defiled.)

It was at this point that I began to wonder why I was standing in a girls living room buck naked while she remained fully clothed. I wasn't exactly averse to it, it just felt odd.

I risked another 'lesson' on my rump and asked.

This time the response was brisk and rather harsh. She grabbed the nape of my neck, twisted the hair there, and yanked my head back so that the cords in my neck stood out. I'd never suffocate and it would never hurt me, but I knew instinctually that if I didn't protest correctly this game, whatever it was, was going to end. I didn't think I wanted that so I groaned in suitable protest.

"Quiet," she hissed. "You speak when I tell you that you can. Attempt to communicate with me again without permission and I'll deny your release."

That shut me up!

That's when I knew she was serious but it wasn't till later that I realised she was capable of it.

It was true that she couldn't punish me in any way that would physically hurt me, but denying a long awaited release could result in pain of a different kind. Not technically painful but I knew that continual arousal – coupled with continual deliberate stimulation – without the resulting release was a nightmare that even a vampire should avoid.

I shut my mouth firmly then.

She circled me and then when she seemed as though she was done with her three hundred and sixty degree viewing she took a seat on the sofa beside where I stood. She hadn't told me to keep still but didn't want to risk her almost comical wrath by moving. Instead of reclining she perched herself at the edge of the cushion and hiked up her leather skirt to her hips.

Interesting that she didn't remove it? I wasn't sure then and I'm not sure now.

At the time I saw it as just another way to keep emotion out of the equation. Nudity was a very personal thing. She seemed to have no problem with me being naked, but maybe she had issues being naked herself? Was that too personal for her?

I didn't have time to ponder it for long because the instant she was comfortable she gave me my next direction.

"On your knees," she barked.

I quickly complied.

When I was settled there she used one finger to tug her panties aside and then I was face to face with her smooth, hairless sex. She smelled fucking delicious and her lips looked plump and ready for my tongue.

Do I wait for her permission? Do I dive right in and suck that pert little bud into my mouth? Should I stare? Would I be punished for seeming to be indifferent?

"Long strokes," she hissed.

I'd been given my instructions.

I brought my hands in front of me and was about to use my thumbs to open her lips when she barked again.

"Hands behind you, keep them there."

Right.

It wouldn't be uncomfortable for me, but she wasn't to know that. I could sit there, my face buried in her heat, for hours without feeling any pain or discomfort from the hard flooring, or from having to keep my arms away.

I didn't think she'd care even if I was uncomfortable anyway. Her expression was passive. This is what she wanted, and how she wanted it, and by the look on her face it didn't matter to her how I made that happen, as long as I did.

Long strokes. The words swirled in my mind as I took my first taste of her. Ambrosial. Her flesh was hot and once it was wet from the small amount of venom on my tongue I gave her what she wanted. I licked from bottom to top repeatedly.

The rest of the scenario might have been out of my realm of knowledge, but this I knew how to do. This wasn't uncharted territory for me at all. And remember, dear readers, I didn't have to take in oxygen. This I could do for hours.

I waited for her response. Not praise, but some indication that she was enjoying me. She gave nothing. Nothing. No sound and no signal that anything I was doing was in anyway giving her pleasure. She didn't remove the finger she had hooked in the crotch of her panties. She didn't reach for me. She didn't moan, gasp or blow breath over her lips any harder than she had as we'd walked up the two flights of steps earlier.

Her heart rate did escalate, but the increase was minor.

I didn't quite get the chance to show her my entire skill set in the oral section of whatever test I was trying to pass though. She allowed me to lick and suck, for sure, but not for long. I figured she was sticking to her hour allocation by moving things along at the pace she was and decided not to take it personally.

Or at least I didn't at the time. Since then I have wondered. Was she disappointed? Did I not take her verbal queues and directions well?

It had never occurred to me before, that I might not be as skilled as I thought I was. I think I was just arrogant enough to assume that my vampiric skills would drive any woman into an orgasmic trance. They always had before. Sad to say that I'd never given it the slightest thought before that night, but it is true none the less.

When she'd had enough of my ministrations she directed me to stay on my knees but tilt my head back. For what end I couldn't fathom, but did as I was told. She rose over me then and flicked at each of the clips that held her dress up, allowing her breasts to spill out of the top. They weren't overly large but her nipples were glorious. A soft, rosy pink. My lips began to ache for wanting to taste them. She pinched and fingered each of her nipples in turn and then cupped them from the underside. She pushed them upward and then leaned over me, placing her right nipple close to my mouth.

"Suck, don't bite," she instructed.

I wanted to laugh at that, but held my tongue. Her aggressive nature I found rather distasteful for reasons I couldn't quite fathom. I wondered if it was because she really wasn't my usual type. Or was it more about how I found myself on my knees while she stood over me? That wasn't a very pleasant position for a vampire to find himself in at the best of times. One usually was about to have ones head removed in cases like this. I was decidedly uncomfortable but did as I was bid.

I sucked and when she announced she'd like me to suck harder I did that too.

It may have been ego but more likely it was disbelief that had me thinking we'd been at this for ten minutes and I'd not actually touched her yet with my hands. Didn't she want to be touched? Didn't she want my hands on her flesh? Did I not actually turn her on?

I'd never missed intimacy during the sexual act before. I'd never taken too much notice of it either, though. It had always been a given. It's how it worked. You indulged your senses, all of them. I'd touch the women. I tasted them. I smelled them. I heard their desire as well as felt it. I'd stroke them. I'd rub and caress them and lay my tongue and flesh on theirs. They in turn would touch and caress me. It was how it had always happened for me and as I sat there, on my knees in front of this girl, I began to think I may have made a terrible mistake.

Potential number one, or two, weren't looking too terrible then.

"Stand," she instructed and I released her nipple from my lips with a loud pop and stood. "I'll bind you now," she said matter of factly.

Bind me? What the fuck for? Okay, I hadn't decided that I was going to skip out exactly, but I was there. I was ready, and so was my dick. Why bind me?

I could break any bond she wished to make with ease. It would be as easy as snapping the threads of a spiders web for me. But of course she didn't know that.

She must have taken my lack of reaction for acquiescence because she moved and I stayed where I was told to stay.

She reached to my right and opened the drawer of the coffee table. She withdrew three lengths of white cord and a thick, metal karabiner. The kind a rock climber would use.

"Put your wrists together at your lower back," she said. I did so and she moved behind me and slipped one of the lengths of cord between my hands and threaded it back and forth. She tugged to make sure the bindings were as tight as she wanted them and then she reached for the second cord. "Turn," she instructed and I did so that I was side on to her. She got down onto the balls of her feet and bound both my ankles in a similar fashion to my hands, leaving a small loop of cord. I thought that perhaps the karabiner could be slid through that, but she wasn't quite done with me. "Lie on the floor," she said quietly and whilst I wasn't at all comfortable with that idea I did as I was asked.

Now, she was doing all this to a vampire, so it didn't hurt, nor was it uncomfortable. But if she did this to regular human males surely they'd protest? I mean, lying on the hardwood floor was one thing, lying there with your hands tied behind your back and your ankles roped together was quite another.

I was debating whether to lie on my back or on my front when she gave further instructions. "Face down," she told me so I slid to my knees and tried to be as graceful as I could with both hands and feet tied together. Not easy and I probably didn't manage anything near graceful. But I made it to the floor without using my nose as a handbrake none the less.

I could've broken free in a heartbeat and beat feet out of there. She'd likely take longer to come to grips with the fact that I was gone than it would take me to disassociate myself from her bindings. But did I want to?

It wouldn't hurt to find out where this was going to lead, so I laid there like a good boy and did as I was told, as quietly as I could.

When I was prone she slid the last length of cord under my throat. Disconcerting even though I knew I wouldn't be hurt. I couldn't see her facial expression like this so I listened for other physical clues to her state of mind.

Her heart rate was steady and her blood pressure had hardly risen during the whole experience so far. Either my technique sucked or she wasn't excited yet. Her scent hadn't changed either, which was odd. Sexual arousal elevated the scent as well as the physical signs like heart rate, intake of oxygen and dilation of the blood vessels of the skin. But she'd shown no signs of any of that.

She seemed unaware that I was a human being – even though technically I'm not – and was totally absorbed with her task.

Then a random thought popped into my head that caused me to let out a small gasp. Was she a killer? Was this about sex at all? Was the oral sex and nipple stimulation just a part of a bigger picture here? Was she binding me to use sexually or to incapacitate?

She slapped my ass, I assumed because I'd made an audible sound without permission, but then continued with the knot she was fashioning at the back of my neck with the cord.

She gave a single tug on it when she was satisfied and then she made a loop in the trailing end of the cord at my neck. She slid the karabiner through that loop and then hooked the metal ring through the rope at my neck, between my skin and what was effectively now a ligature. She held onto the circle of rope she'd created using the ligature and the karabiner and twisted it around her wrist. She let a short breath out over her lips then gave it a little tug.

She'd leashed me!

Like a fucking dog!

Why was I rock hard?

"Your safe word is?" she asked without warning.

"Pandora," I answered immediately.

I felt her breath at my ear, "Use it at will. You will not be punished for using it. I swear this to you," she whispered solemnly to punctuate how serious she was about that. I nodded back. What else could I do?

My nod must have been the sign she was waiting for because as soon as I'd finished the tricky little manoeuvre she gave one good yank on that fucking rope on her wrist and pulled my face up off the floor.

She stood astride me. I couldn't see her but I could smell her arousal now. Now that I was fully bound – to her liking – she was aroused. Everything that came before she bound me was just a preliminary to this. This was what she got off on.

And then I got it. This wasn't a lack of intimacy at all. This was about control.

And for the first time in a century it wasn't me in control. Could I let this girl take control of me? And, when I was bound and lying prone on her living room floor, did I think she wasn't already in control of me?

As I've said, I could've broken those bonds in half a second. So why didn't I?

Why not just stand, break the pathetic strings of the cords, shove her aside and hit the pavement?

Because my cock was so hard, that's why.

I'd been hard from the second she'd opened her apartment door. No. That's wrong. I'd been hard since she tapped me on the shoulder in the club. Long before I twigged to what she was about, how this was going to play out, I'd wanted her.

This girl who _wasn't_ my type at all. This girl who wouldn't touch me, who wouldn't allow me to touch her. Who showed no emotion and whose heart rate hadn't gone beyond seventy-four beats a minute since we'd settled in her living room to play. This tiny, human, frail and breakable girl had _me_ panting like a fifteen year old boy with his first pair of tits in his hands. Me! A one hundred and twenty year old vampire with some serious sexual experience under his belt.

I was fucking panting!

If my heart beat it'd be close to racing.

She tugged again, harder this time, and leaned over me until her mouth was once again pressed to my right ear. "Up," she ordered.

I got up. Pretty fucking fast too. And when I was once again on my feet she turned me so that I was facing away from her and then she shoved me with her shoulder to get me to move. She guided me to the back of the sofa and when I got there she told me to turn. I did. She shoved again and when my ass hit the top edge of the sofa she twisted that fucking cord one more turn on her wrist and gave a mighty pull.

We were face to face and her pupils were fucking enormous!

"I'll have you now," she announced.

She reached into the waistband of her skirt and retrieved a gold foil wrapper. Without ceremony she had it open, the latex sheath between her fingers and then rolled down my dick.

And there I stood. Hard, ready, totally fucking lost but eager for whatever pleasure she cared to allow me.

Keep in mind this was three years ago, but I swear, even now, I can taste her on my tongue. If I close my eyes I can see her so clearly. I can hear her ragged breaths as she slid her panties down out from under that skirt with her free hand. I can smell the exquisite, intoxicating aroma of her flushed sex as she turned her back to me and pulled that fucking cord at my neck so that I was bent almost double over her still clothed back.

I was unsteady on my feet but not because they were tied together. The mechanics of how this was going to work with me trussed like a Thanksgiving turkey was a small distraction I'll admit. But when she spread her ankles and pulled that fucking rope again all doubt flew out the window.

My tip was poised right at her entrance and she'd manufactured the position expertly. With me braced against the back of the sofa, and my upper body tethered to her wrist, she had total control. Total. Not being able to move my feet, or square my shoulders with my hands behind my back, I was totally at her mercy.

And she knew it.

I heard the tiny groan of the metal karabiner as she pushed herself onto my length but it was drowned out by the mighty yell she gave as she took all of me inside her.

And that's how it was done. _She_ took me inside herself. There was no way for me to push inside her, no way to guide myself and no way I could thrust. She'd made sure of it. This was her ride and she was driving the train.

She didn't begin slowly either. Once I was seated inside her she began to pump herself back and forth on me with abandon. She writhed and bucked and all the while she kept that cord tightly gripped in her hand.

With each backward push she strained against it slightly and I was powerless to stop the speed or the depth. Which is, of course, exactly why she'd manufactured it that way.

I still don't know what it was that made my orgasm come on so quickly. It could've been the sight of her ripe, juicy ass and the view I was getting of my cock sliding through her lips as she took me. But just as easily it could've been the rhythmic tugging on the cord. Her unrelenting pace helped too no doubt.

But when she tensed and screamed I lost it.

I felt her spasms so sharply. The muscles inside her gripped and released me so powerfully that my balls clenched involuntarily and for the first time in my existence I shot my load without my own permission.

I have no idea if I managed to stay silent as I came. And she gave no indication that she cared one way or the other.

She stayed in position, her lovely ass still pushing slowly back toward me as the last of my release left my body. She never released the tension on the cord either.

She never turned her head. Never looked at me again. I never saw her eyes or her mouth again until it was over.

From start to finish it had been forty minutes.

And then it was as though a switch had been thrown inside her brain.

"Thank you, darlin," she whispered so softly, so sweetly, I hardly caught it.

* * *

**A/N: Thank you for reading.**

**Please review. **


	5. Chapter 5

So, as you can see, that encounter left me reeling. On more than one level too.

She switched from an emotionless husk of a human being to the kindest, sweetest girl I'd even been in the company of in seconds.

It was almost as though my release triggered something in her. I mean, she called me 'darlin' for Christs sake. Up until that moment she'd hardly made eye contact. She'd given me short, sharp commands and had done so with the minimum of words needed and as much hostility as she could muster.

As soon as the pulsing in my cock receded she released the cord from her wrist and shuffled slightly forwards allowing my now flaccid member to slide from within her slippery depths. I expected her to tug up her panties, reattach the clips on her top and wish me a pleasant trip home.

Her detachment from me emotionally during the act had prepared me for that. In fact I was quite okay with it. I just wanted to leave.

Of course, being blessed with a penis, my first instinct after having had sex with an anonymous someone was to flee. Not a vampire thing, a guy thing. I didn't want to cuddle. I didn't want to dissect the act and I didn't want to see her again. It was sex and nothing more.

So it took me by complete surprise when she turned to face me for the first time after the fact. The transformation of her facial features was shocking. Her eyes were soft. I know it's a turn of phrase, probably considered a cliché, but her eyes had softened. Her pupils were back to normal size for the amount of light in the room and her brows were relaxed. Gone were the fierce scowl and the evil grin. In its place was a sweet smile. An actual smile.

She was quite lovely. Not a word I would've, or did, use when I saw her for the first time in the club. But now she was lovely. Beautiful even.

She rolled her shoulders and floored me once again by placing her palm to my cheek. She rose to her toes and leaned in to me.

I'm still pressed up against the back of the sofa at this stage, remember. I've got a full condom hanging from the end of my dick and my hands and feet are bound. I've got a makeshift dog collar around my neck and probably the stupidest, most lost expression on my face.

She placed the softest, most delicate kiss to the corner of my mouth and stroked my cheek tenderly. "That was wonderful," she murmured before kissing me again.

"Um, thanks," I replied stupidly.

She smiled again and stepped away a little. The return of my personal space was a relief. I had no clue what the hell was going on. Was she schizophrenic? Bipolar? Playing me? Was I being Punked?

I was about to scan the room for recording devices when she gave a little tug, gently this time, on the cord around my neck. "Let's get you cleaned up," she whispered.

At that point I was more than happy to leave as I was. I could shuck the bindings in the hall and tuck myself back into my trousers and go home for a shower. A hot one. Boiling. In fact I was quite looking forward to scrubbing my entire body with a very stiff brush.

But in the style of all good stories, twas not to be.

Like the dog I felt I was led, by my collar, into a large open bathroom at the rear of the apartment. The furnishings and decorations didn't suit her. Or what I knew of her, which admittedly wasn't much.

For a start the room didn't match the decor of the rest of the apartment at all. The living areas were stark, clinical. Plain white walls and ceilings and the only colour came from the cushions on the sofas. In the bathroom it was like stepping into an alternative universe from the rest of the place.

I have to describe it. And not because the bulk of you will be women, but because the contrast between the living room and bathroom had to be seen to be believed.

It was warm. In temperature and in colour. And it was split into two separate areas. The hardwood floorboards that I'd knelt on in the living room carried on into the bathroom but came to an abrupt stop midway into it. On the wooden floors stood the shower stall and a huge claw foot bathtub. On one wall was a pair of porcelain basins and a backlit mirror adorned the wall above them.

The other side of the room was in total contrast. Carpeted and warmer again. The same cream walls decked the entire room, but on the carpeted half a tiny flower pattern had been painted on it to look like trellis work. A long, plush chaise lounge came out from the wall at an angle and on it were throw rugs and a white, fluffy bathrobe.

The adjacent wall held an old fashioned vanity unit with various make up and products strewn rather artfully across its surface. Lights framed the large mirror and a Queen Anne chair was tucked under it.

The bathroom part was modern, the boudoir vintage.

She led me towards the chaise and motioned for me to sit on its edge. I did so even though I had no fucking idea what she was up to.

I watched as she leaned over the bath and turned the taps. Then she pulled a stack of fresh towels from a rack beside the shower and placed them beside the tub. She went to the vanity and took two bottles from the counter and put those beside the towels. And then she stood between my knees as I sat awkwardly on the chaise.

Without hesitation, or a look of revulsion on her face, she gently removed the condom and put it into the waste basket beside the toilet.

I was far more uncomfortable than she was. I could do this for myself after all. And why, after the detachment she'd shown me during sex was she now being so gentle and attentive? I didn't get it.

Next she released the karabiner from its loop then undid the knots at my throat. The cord was thrown distractedly on the floor at my feet as though she was disgusted by it now. Curious. She got onto her knees and undid my ankles and threw the rope with its mate on the floor.

She moved behind me and undid my wrists. I flexed them, for her benefit, not mine and brought them in front of me for the first time in nearly an hour.

She came back to the front of the chaise and took each wrist into her hands in turn. She rubbed them gently and then kissed each of my palms before putting them back into my lap. I was stunned. I had no idea what she was doing, but I liked it.

She tiptoed, yes actually tiptoed like a fairy tale, well a fairy tale fairy I guess, across to the tub and turned off the taps. Steam rose from it and I will admit that it looked pretty fucking good from where I was sitting.

She came back to me and took my hand in hers. Her hand was soft! Who knew?

I have no idea what I was thinking it would be like, but as she curled her fingers around mine and led me to that bath I felt like a huge mass of emotional goo. I felt like a chick who's just seen a kitten asleep curled around a puppy.

I felt pathetic. I felt pathetically grateful for her care and attention and I don't mind admitting that I liked it. Loved it even.

The contrast between the fierce, arrogant beast she'd been while she fucked me – and let's be honest, _she_ fucked _me_, not the other way around – and this sweet, caring girl was startling.

And then she fucking annihilated me again by asking if I was hurt!

Physically I was fine; there was no way she'd ever be able to hurt me. Mentally I was a mess. But I told her I was fine and she smiled, again.

Her smile was like some sort of reward to my brain. I'd pleased her. She was happy because I was okay.

What the fuck was this? I was more ecstatic that I'd pleased her than when I'd fucked her! How could that be? Why in hell did it matter to me that I'd pleased her? Why did my brain want to do it again just to earn, yes earn, another smile like that?

It was as though she needed to check for herself that I was all right and she made sure of that when she bathed me. Yes, you read that right, but go ahead and read it again if you weren't paying attention. _She bathed me. _

She used liquid soap to rub me down. And I mean all of me. From head to toe. She massaged my scalp with first shampoo and then conditioner. She wiped my face and neck carefully with a soft washcloth infused with the soap and then she rinsed me afterward. She rubbed my belly and between each of my toes. She was gentle and careful with my manhood and when she was satisfied with her efforts she tugged at the plug and waited for the water to drain before asking me to step out onto one of the towels she'd spread beside the tub.

And then she rubbed me down with another.

And she didn't hurry. With her hands encased in the soft towel she rubbed and massaged me until my skin was totally dry. She even ran it over my hair.

And through it all I was totally silent. She smiled throughout.

If she noticed there were no marks on my body she didn't comment, and I didn't offer the information that could've exposed my true nature.

She tiptoed back to the chaise and retrieved the robe. She held it while I slipped each arm through it and then she tied it at my waist. I was quite capable of doing it myself but she looked so pleased to have done it herself I didn't want to take that away from her.

"Take a seat," she whispered as she motioned towards the makeup strewn dresser.

Once I was seated she took another clean towel and dried my hair a little more. It was surreal, sitting there and being able to watch her face as she tended to me. She smiled the whole time. Her cheeks were rosy and she just looked so...so...happy.

My stomach did a flip flop. She'd _used_ me for sex without a hint of having given a shit but now, _now_ that I was sat in her bathroom she was happy to be taking care of me? What. The. Fuck. ?

When my hair had stopped dripping she kissed me again, at the nape, and took another bottle off the counter. She rubbed the substance between her palms then began to massage it into my neck and shoulders. It was fucking nirvana!

Whether she did it because she believed the cord had chafed my neck I didn't know. And right then I didn't care either. I just wanted her hands on me.

And it wasn't sexual either. I wasn't hard, though I could barr up at will and could screw all night long if I wanted to. But this wasn't like that at all. This was a warm feeling in the pit of my stomach that radiated through my whole body the more she rubbed.

She tugged at the collar of the robe and pulled it until the tops of my arms and shoulders were exposed. And then she rubbed some more.

I couldn't help but close my eyes then. I lost myself to the feeling of her warm hands, and the strawberry scented lotion, on my flesh. I think I moaned at one point and when I looked up at her in the mirror she was smiling wider.

She was enjoying it too!

Next she rubbed the lotion into my wrists and forearms, then my ankles and feet. And then with another soft kiss to my neck she left the room and returned with my clothes. She held each piece out to me and I put them on without needing to be told.

Our time was obviously up.

Just like that.

Game over.

I flicked my eyes to the clock on the wall in the hall beyond the bathroom and could see that we were at fifty-six minutes.

One hour.

She'd ask me to leave in four minutes and for the first time since I'd entered the apartment I didn't want to go.

I wanted to curl up with her on the bed I had seen a glimpse of as I'd been led to the bathroom.

I wanted to hold her. No. That's not true. Right then I wanted _her_ to hold _me_. I wanted the tenderness she'd shown me in the bathroom to never end. I wanted to know her. I wanted to understand her. I wanted to know the secret behind that smile and why she was so able to do this, this way.

But our time was up.

She gave me an exquisite smile and thanked me for coming over. I told her it had been my pleasure.

She was going to call whoever it was she'd dialled when we'd first arrived and report to them that I'd left and she was safe.

And even though I didn't want her to end this I understood instinctually how important it was for her to be able to make that call within the time frame she'd set.

It hurt to hold her up against my now dressed body. It actually made my brain ache to kiss her on the lips for the first and what I knew was the last time. It made my stomach clench to leave the bathroom and collect my coat and keys from the living room.

It took every ounce of mental strength I had to walk down that hallway once I'd heard her check in and disconnect the call.

But I did.

And I've regretted it for every second of every day since.

* * *

**A/N: Thank you for reading.**

**Please review. **


	6. Chapter 6

I sat in my car, in the street, outside her apartment building, in total silence for twenty-eight minutes before I drove home. And I know it was twenty-eight minutes because I watched every second flash on and off on the dashboard clock for the whole time.

At the twelve minute mark the light in her apartment shut off and after that there was only the faint sounds of humans sleeping. Nothing to distinguish her sounds from anyone elses and it left me feeling bleak.

Had she turned her emotions off as quickly as she'd turned them on? And if she had how had she done it? I wanted to know. I needed to know.

But she'd gone to bed by the look and sound of it and I knew that she wouldn't tell me tonight. The secret would sleep with her when I couldn't and I hated that.

I drove home not really seeing anything around me. The Volvo almost guided itself I was so distracted.

We weren't living here in Forks back then. We lived in Maine though it wasn't too long after that that we did come to Washington. And once again it was my fault that we had to leave.

You see I went home that night different. Changed. And everyone in the house could see it. They were all otherwise engaged when I did hit the steps but as was the nature of our household once they'd all sated themselves on their partners they began to filter into the living spaces intermittently.

None of them took too much notice of me sitting there in total silence at my piano at first. It wasn't unusual to find me there, nor was it weird that I wasn't actually playing. I liked to run through tunes or melodies in my head before I played them, so to the others that probably looked like what I was doing.

It was Alice who noticed something was 'off' first. She came to sit by me, which was normal for her even though she knew I hated sharing the piano bench with anyone. I knew she was there, I wasn't catatonic, but I didn't want to talk to anyone either. So I stayed silent.

She nudged me about twenty minutes later and when I didn't bother shoving her back – we might be vampires but we're still siblings, and siblings love a good game of push me pull me just to get on a brother or sisters nerves – she asked me what was wrong.

Standard question, right?

You see someone sitting still for so long, staring into the abyss, you ask what's wrong. But what do you say when you have no idea what's wrong? Do you say nothing, knowing full well it's something but not what that something actually is? Or do you say you don't know?

I went with I don't know. Mistake #1.

She badgered the living shit out of me for three hours! Three fucking hours!

And when I still couldn't articulate what my problem was she dragged in the others.

And when I still couldn't make myself understood Carlisle joined in with a complex medical opinion that meant bugger all to me. He's a doctor. Should've told you sooner, I know.

I remember telling you at the beginning that I wasn't ashamed of what I've done, and that is true now, but then, that night, I think I was. I hadn't had time to process any of it and I still didn't understand what it was going to mean for me longer term.

So that night, or early morning, I just explained what had occurred as blandly as I could. Emmett laughed his ass off when I was done. Jasper sat passively and rubbed his chin. Esme looked worried and Rose looked impressed.

Alice just kept asking questions. One after the other. Fired at me as though they came from cannon. And if I failed to answer fast enough she just asked the next one and my brain was left to try and decipher the answer to the previous one without being given a chance to articulate it. So it all just sat in there. Like a giant ball of confusion with no outlet.

I still don't know why I told them anything at all. I'd spent decades distancing myself from their sexual antics. I didn't want to know what they did with each other and even though my ramped up hearing made sure I couldn't escape it all I knew that it was all pretty normal.

Except for Emmett's penchant for playing 'dress ups'. But he was a sick fuck as a human – or so he says – so even that seemed relatively normal compared to what I'd just done.

I'm glad now that I told them, but I wasn't back then. I thought they were judging me. Or at the very least they were all thinking I'd gotten what I deserved for being so heartless with women over the years myself.

The women in my family hated that about me. Sure, they never actually said the word hate, but it's not hard to spot it if you look hard enough. When I came home at night smothered in a woman's scent they knew what I'd done without me having to say. And the lack of feeling I showed toward the act itself told them plenty about how I was conducting my time.

Esme attempted once, only once, to draw me out on it. She asked why I felt so lonely when I obviously knew what sort of woman I was looking for. She didn't understand that whilst I had a 'type', and that type was easy enough to find, I didn't want anything to do with them once I'd fucked them.

I couldn't tell them what I was and I didn't see the point in wanting to see them again if I couldn't tell them that one fundamental fact. Why bother? If I told them and whatever relationship I had formed with them went sour I'd have to kill them anyway. Cut out the middle man, fuck them then leave. Nobody gets hurt.

Esme, more so than the others – the guys included – worried about me. She worried that I was alone and that I was wasting my life. I had no profession, no goals and no company other than the family.

She worried that I was behaving badly, dishonourably toward the women I was bedding. She was quite modern for a woman born a hundred years ago herself, and she understood the era of freely available, no strings attached sex that was all around us. Whether she agreed with it, or particularly cared one way or another about it I had no clue. But she didn't give me the impression she was hurt, or angry with me because I sought it out. But I did know that she was less than impressed with my treatment of the women _after_ I had sex with them.

She believed I was thoughtless. She believed I treated them badly. Not whilst in their company, but afterwards, by never calling them or at least letting them down gently. She saw me as a shit.

And that night, as she listened to what I was trying to tell her, she told me point blank that my chickens were coming home to roost.

Did I see it that way myself? Did I think the whole experience was a lesson in heartlessness and how it felt to be on the receiving end of it rather than being the one to dole it out? I didn't think so.

And for one reason only.

That wasn't all there had been to it.

Sure, the sex itself had felt detached from reality, cold and passionless. But the care and devotion the girl had shown me afterward had sort of cancelled those feelings out. I couldn't wrap my head around why someone would want the sex act to be so devoid of feeling but why was the after care to be so gentle and loving? And it had felt loving. It felt as though she had poured all the love she could feel for me into caring for me in that bathroom.

So why, when we'd been in the living room could she not show me that same attention?

Why, then, after she'd shown me emotion and care in the bathroom, was she able – and willing – to switch it off again as the clock ticked over the hour?

And why would she?

Was it her? Was it me? Was she like that all the time or was it just with me? Did I deserve it for all the lack of emotion and care I'd shown to women for the last century? And if that was true in and of itself why did _she_ deserve it as well? Was she unfeeling and uncaring toward men just as I was toward women?

But she'd set the tone, not me. For all I had known when we left that club we could've been going back to her flat for perfectly normal, healthy consensual sex. No strings attached. I hadn't needed to keep myself aloof from her while I picked her up in the club because she'd picked me up and she'd been even more aloof then I'd ever been to a woman.

It was the girl who'd made sure, by way of her rules, that neither of us knew the others name. It was her rules that wouldn't allow me to touch her. It was the girl who'd dominated _me_.

I hadn't treated her badly. I knew, right from the off, that after one hour she'd see me to the door and that it would all be over. She only wanted me for one hour. She didn't need me, she wanted me for only that long.

But at the same time it had been me who'd been unwilling to leave this time. Normally the woman would plead with me to stay the night, but I never did. I don't sleep. Ever. So the thought of lying in a bed next to a woman I didn't really know while I stared at the ceiling all night was ridiculous.

But this woman, this time, I wanted to 'sleep' with.

Why?

Why was she different? Or was it more likely about the fact that she was indifferent?

_She_ didn't want _me_. That had never happened before. Nobody had ever seen me off so casually. Nobody had been eager to see me leave before. And I didn't like it.

My ego had been dented. The caveman inside me didn't want to understand that not everyone found me irresistible. Everyone wanted to be wanted, right? Everyone wanted to be desired. Vampire or not. And for all the differences between those two natures they were essentially the same in this respect. I wanted to be wanted.

"Wait till first light and go back there, dude," Emmett suggested, snapping me from my thoughts.

"What for?" I barked. "To beg her to see me again? No thanks."

Esme huffed and left the room then and I began to worry. Truly worry. If Esme couldn't offer me any suggestions, or didn't want to help me work out why I felt so flat, was I totally irredeemable? Why did the others think this situation was easily fixed when I couldn't even come to grips with what the situation really was? And why was Esme so upset?

"No, not to beg her to see you again. But to talk to her. Ask her what you need to know. Find out for yourself why she is the way she is. Maybe you'll understand yourself better," Alice suggested.

Did I want to understand myself better though? What was wrong with the way I was? Did I want to change? Should I want to change?

I didn't know the answers to any of those questions but I knew someone who could maybe point me in the right direction.

The girl. Yeah, the girl. She knew others. She'd said I was a newbie. She'd recognised that about me and didn't that mean that she'd known other newbie's at one time too? And if not newbie's then she must know, I don't know what to call them, experts maybe?

For all I knew the people who'd been living as she did for long periods of time were known as Level Nine Warlords. It wouldn't have surprised me at the time.

I nodded to Alice and rose from the piano stool. "I'll go back at first light," I announced to the room.

So that's what I did. I waited until eight and then I drove back to her building.

It wasn't until after I'd rung the bell beside the door and had gotten no response that I really became aware of the problems I now faced. I didn't know her name and she hadn't answered the bell. She might have gone to work, or school, or both. It wasn't unusual for someone not to be home at eight in the morning after all.

But with no name I couldn't get her number. There were no markings other than apartment numbers beside each of the intercoms at ground level and I had no way to leave a message for her either.

I've got a vampire brain capacity and endless hours to wait, so that's what I did.

I sat in my car, on the street, right where I'd parked the night before, and I waited.

For two days.

Two whole fucking days I waited and not a single dark haired, early twenties, tall arrogant bitch even went close to those fucking stairs! Ok, not strictly true. Other dark haired girls went in, but I didn't know if they were arrogant, and they weren't THAT girl so for the sake of the story we'll ignore them for now.

Sure, humans came and humans went. But that girl didn't.

I'd ignored my family's calls for the whole time but even I reached a point where I had to admit defeat and headed home again. So while I drove I listened to their voicemail deposits and by the time I got to our house I was plenty despondent.

Surprisingly the family seemed as though they wanted to help when I finally did cross the threshold again. Jasper offered to do a title search on her address citing his exceptionally sneaky internet skills. I told him to have at it. Couldn't hurt.

Emmett, Alice and Rose decided the best way they could help was to relieve me of my stake out duties and headed over there to sit and watch, just in case she came, or went. I'd given everyone a pretty good description and I just had to hope that they'd spot her if she did show.

Esme did what she always did. She baked. It wouldn't help me, but she rationalised it for herself by pointing out that in times of stress she liked to bake and even though we couldn't consume any of it the homeless could, and someone should benefit. So she baked and I paced.

Carlisle went to work as usual but promised to check the computer system at the hospital against the address I'd given him. Maybe she'd presented there once upon a time and then I'd have a name, at the very least.

I was grateful for their help but it left me with nothing to do.

So I did what I always did.

I moped.

But I didn't have to mope for long. Jasper called for me after about twenty minutes and five minutes after that I had a name to go with the address.

Jackson Messop. A fucking guy?

A guy owned the apartment?

I remember thinking at the time Jasper handed over the piece of paper with the name on it that I shouldn't panic. She could be subletting from this guy. They might be brother and sister. They might be roommates and I just didn't take enough notice of my surroundings to notice male things – and another bedroom – in the place.

And the more I thought about it the more sense that made. Of course. It was a share house! She'd made that call. Right before. She called Jackson Messop, her roommate, to let him know that she had someone with her and he shouldn't come home yet.

Sure, it was a slender thread to hang my hopes on, but it could be true.

I hoped it was.

I thanked my brother, called my other siblings and told them to come home, then went back to the apartment myself. I had a name now. I felt that somehow legitimised my reason for being there and as I rang the bell I rehearsed what I was going to say to Jackson Messop.

I was going to tell him I'd been in the apartment, on a date, the night before and I'd left my glasses there. Could I come up and retrieve them?

Or, I'd been on a date with the lady of the house the night before and she invited me back. I was early and wanted to wait inside for her.

It didn't matter in the end what I was going to say because nobody fucking answered! Ever! For three more fucking days!

Nobody turned a light on in 6C, the apartment I'd been in, for the whole three days. No music, television sounds, telephone chimes or visitors that pressed the buzzer for that apartment for three days. When the rubbish bins were put out on the Friday morning 6C wasn't represented. Nobody collected mail from the boxes at the front of the building and no deliveries were delivered. For three days.

And then, on the Friday night, I'd reached the limit to my patience. Another girl arrived with a guy in tow and went into the building. I took a chance and I'm not proud of this, but I followed close behind them and snuck into the building while the door was ajar after they entered.

I followed, not too closely behind, and watched them climb the same stairs I'd climbed the week before. They went into the hall on the same floor I'd gone into. They stood outside the same door I'd stood outside of. They went into the same fucking apartment.

But she wasn't the right girl. And it was obvious that she was driving this train too, not the guy. She had the key. She led him. She invited him inside. I fucking watched them the whole way.

They didn't break in, she had a key. They didn't look over their shoulder, so they weren't checking to make sure of anything like being caught in a place they shouldn't be. They belonged here as much as the girl the previous week had.

I was at a loss.

I went back downstairs but stayed inside the building. I hid under the stairwell and called my brothers. I explained what I'd seen, and where I'd been for the last three days, and they agreed that something wasn't right.

Two different girls, both had keys. The apartment was owned by a guy, who never seemed to come or go there.

What the fuck was I seeing? What the fuck was I missing?

Emmett and Jasper suggested I go back upstairs and listen at the door. I thought it was creepy but couldn't think of anything better to do, so that's what I did.

And let me tell you, dear reader, I wish I hadn't.

The couple had a ten minute head start on me but when I got back to the door to listen they were at about the same point in proceedings as I'd been in the week before. I got there just as this girl made her call.

She said almost exactly the same thing I'd heard last time except for the registration number of the guy's car. She said she only needed an hour and that she'd check in once she was done.

Luckily the rest of the floors occupants were busy inside their apartments. Television sets on various channels were the only sounds other than those I was deliberately listening for inside apartment 6C.

The sounds from there were a little more disturbing.

This guy, unlike me, wasn't a newbie. He stripped without being asked. He knew not to speak until spoken to. She praised him for 'remembering their rules' and then she bound him just like I'd been bound. Well, I didn't know for sure that he'd been bound exactly as I had, but the distinct sound of that fucking cord being knotted, and the chink of the karabiner being snicked into place told me it was pretty fucking close.

She reiterated the importance of the safe word, just like the other girl had with me, and then she fucked him. I was guessing that part too, but if the poor bastard had his ankles tied together and his hands behind his back it's the only way it could've happened for him too. And happen it did from his grunting and her squealing.

This girl didn't exactly switch to little miss love and attention but she did go from aggressive to calm when the deed was done.

They must have moved to the bathroom, that fucking enormous bathroom with its fluffy white towels and the chaise lounge, because the sounds became more muted after that. But I could hear the water to the tub being turned on, then off, and I could make out the scent of the liquid soap then the lotion after that.

He actually thanked her when he moved towards the door to leave. I hadn't thought to do that. She'd thanked me. But this guy wasn't a novice. He thanked her, jingled his keys, said he'd see her around sometime and then he left.

I watched him leave from my hiding spot under the stairwell and when he was gone I ran, as fast as I could, back up to the second floor.

I got there in time to hear her check in on her cell phone. She told whoever it was on the other end that she was safe, the arena would be vacant within ten minutes and that she would drop the key in the box in the parking garage as arranged.

What the fuck did that mean? Who was she and why was she using the other girl's apartment? Who was she speaking to and why were they invested in her safety? Why did she call the apartment an arena, if I'd heard and understood that correctly, and who would collect that key next?

I now had more questions I needed answers to than answers for the questions I had before. It was so frustrating.

True to her word she left the building within ten minutes and I watched as she dropped a single copper key into a small metal box mounted to the back wall of the parking space her car occupied. She got in the car and drove away without looking back.

I went back to my own car and thought about what I'd seen and heard. It made no sense to me at the time. I now knew that the girl I'd been with the previous week didn't live here. She 'borrowed' this apartment just as tonight's girl had. A guy I knew the name of owned it, but he didn't live there either. Couples came and went, but didn't stay. It didn't seem like guys brought women to the flat, so far I was only aware of the girl and I and this pair. But what if some of the couples I'd seen, and my family had seen, coming and going were going to that particular flat too?

I was pondering that and wondering how far I could push my luck with my siblings taking a turn at staking out the place again when another car entered the parking garage and parked in the same spot that had just been vacated. Not twenty minutes had passed since the last woman had left.

Predictably this new girl – a blonde this time - opened the metal box, withdrew the key and stood at the buildings front door and waved to a guy who'd pulled his car in behind mine in the street. This time I didn't bother following them inside. This time it was easy to work out whether they were about to repeat the pattern of the last pair. Three minutes passed since they went inside the building and then, sure enough, the light in 6C came on.

6C was the 'arena' and women used it to bring submissives to it.

Was I a submissive?

Jackson Messop needed to be located.

* * *

**A/N: Thank you for reading.**

**Please review. **


	7. Chapter 7

Mr Messop didn't exist. At least, if he did, we couldn't find him.

The name was either fake, or the social security number, drivers license, title deed, birth certificate and library card – if he was real he preferred novels about zombies and strangely, captive polar bear breeding programs – were. There was no way to tell and not one of us found a damn thing worthy of note on the guy.

He was a front, but for what I had no idea.

I watched that apartment for one hundred and twenty seven days. That's three thousand and forty-eight hours, and the times that I didn't watch personally one of my siblings did. She never came back. Not once.

Now, I'm not crazy. And I didn't actually sit in the street and train my eyes on the front door of the building for the entire time, but if I added up the hours I wasted sitting there the numbers would be pretty astounding.

And by the time I decided to do something else, tried to change tack and take a more proactive approach, I had wasted a significant amount of my time.

Hundreds of girls came and went, and to our astonishment just as many guys did too.

They parked in the parking garage, collected the key, motioned for their 'dates' to join them, went upstairs and engaged in some serious kinky fuckery.

And at weekends, Friday nights especially, the arena had multiple players. Not threesomes or groups, though those happened with surprising regularity too, but the apartment itself was used over and over, with the ten minute intervals, all through the weekend.

One pair would come out, they'd leave, and ten minutes later another would arrive. On and on it went.

I listened to some of it and watched others. Yes, that's right; I was reduced to watching others engage in their games because I was, by then, officially incapable of participating myself.

I perched on the railing of the balcony of 6C for hours on end and watched the comings – of which there were a lot – and goings at leisure. I listened at the door and watched from my car. I hid under that stairwell like a nasty little voyeur and I jacked off more times than I could count.

Not in the building of course, at home, in the privacy of my own rooms. And always with _her_ face in my mind as I did it.

I had no interest in going out and hooking up with someone. It wasn't that I didn't want anyone else, or that I had to specifically have that girl, but I had lost all enthusiasm for the bland girls in the clubs.

I knew that there were others like that girl out there. After all I'd seen them come and go with their partners for weeks, but I had no idea what to look for. Sure, I could spot the 'bad girls' now, but how would I know whether she was a dominant or a submissive? Was there a signal? A code? And what if I picked up the wrong kind? What then? Could I dominate someone without hurting them? And then there was the sixty-four million dollar question. Could I be submissive to anyone other than that girl?

So I jacked off in private and watched that fucking apartment like a crack addict waiting for his dealer.

And in all that time I learned nothing of any significance. I still had no idea who Jackson Messop was, or how to find him. None of those who checked in and out with their cell phones ever said anything of use and following the players to their real homes after their use of the arena was useless because they all returned to perfectly normal lives and homes.

Some were married and had families but most were singles. I followed a few even after they returned to their normal lives. But that turned up nothing other than just how boring human lives could be. They went to work, they ate, and they slept.

During the work week these people were normal. Come the weekend they changed. They dressed differently. They visited clubs that they didn't frequent on work days. They hung out with a different set of friends on the weekend to those they saw socially Monday to Friday.

But none of these friends seemed to cross over. Two distinct groups. For every one of the girls, and the guys. It was as though they led two lives. Respectable middle class lives through the week, debauched parodies of themselves come the weekend. These people didn't associate with others like themselves. These were lone players.

They went to the clubs and pubs alone. They hooked up alone. Apart from the ones who collected other players once a deal had been struck and the whole group went to the apartment. But, significantly I thought, whoever was going to be the dominant that night would go out alone and collect willing players to be their subs. The groups didn't seem to work any other way. One dominant, multiple subs. Never in any other combination.

The only connection these people had in common was the apartment. I couldn't even say they had Messop in common because I couldn't be sure that was who they were calling when they came, or when they were leaving.

They could've been calling anyone. Messop owned the apartment, that was the only solid piece of information I had. That didn't mean he knew what it was being used for and it didn't mean he was taking calls from anyone once they were inside it. It was just a name on a title deed.

Once again I enlisted Jasper's help. He was the one among the family with the tech savvy and he was willing to help me.

I was nervous to tell him what I needed help finding, and he knew it. But, true to his sensitive nature, he simply opened an internet page and got to work.

There wasn't a lot of information around about dominants and submissives, especially information that wasn't in the form of personal opinion.

I'd spent hours on my phone in my car reading that shit already so I was well versed on the players thoughts and feelings about what they indulged in. Some of it I agreed with, some not at all. But it was fascinating none the less.

What I was searching for, with my brothers help, was legitimate clubs. Specialist groups that put the players in contact with one another. A matching service, if one existed. I wanted to know if there was someone who held a database of its participants and how they all seemed to know about apartment 6C.

Of course there wasn't a website that announced 'there is this place you can use to help you find someone willing to let you flog the hell out of them' so the searching took us on so many twists and turns that by the time we did actually find something promising both our heads were swimming.

It seemed there was a matching service out there. It was referred to vaguely and there was no contact information about it at all that we could find. But it did exist. There were lots of vague references to it from people on forums who were discussing their personal experiences. They used terms like 'the match I was given that night' or 'this match obviously lied on his application because'. Someone was matching doms to subs and vice versa. I just needed to know who.

The one glimmer of hope in that was that this club that these people referred to was so exclusive, so illusive, that to gain entry into it you had to be referred by an existing member.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You don't know an existing member, Edward. And that is true. But, I know how to find one and I know how to pick one up, or be picked up by one, and I know how to behave once I get back to apartment 6C.

I was no longer a newbie!

I waited, very impatiently, for the next night to roll around and then I beat feet to that nightclub that the bulk of the forum users were advocating. It wasn't exactly what I was expecting. It was normal.

I know I keep referring to this as normal, or not normal, but at the time that's how I felt about it. To me it was abnormal. I didn't yet know what I was, or what I liked and disliked, but just knew that up until that point in my life what I'd done with women was normal, and that what I'd done with that girl had been wrong. Wrong in that I shouldn't want to be bound. Wrong in that I shouldn't have enjoyed the deprivation of my senses and then been so happy when she indulged them all after the sexual act. Not wrong as in I never wanted to do it again.

So, the nightclub was normal. Guys holding up the bar, groups in booths, half naked women dancing. Normal. I took my time and checked out those around me but found nothing about any of them that would suggest that they were looking for a player. And nobody looked like they were wanting to be picked up either. There were very few people on their own, but that wasn't out of the ordinary.

I sided up to the bar and ordered a drink and then stood there and watched the room for a while.

The music was just as loud and as horrible as it was in every other nightclub. The place smelled of sweat, hormones, illicit drugs and blood. The drink was watered down but I didn't care because I'd never actually let any of it pass over my lips. Pairs of women danced. Men approached women in the groups and they danced, then the women went back to their groups. Nobody seemed to be hooking up with anyone else that wasn't already paired off. It was a normal nightclub.

Fuck.

I'd gone there because that tenuous forum link told me that it was the place to go if you were looking for a player. But it didn't look any different to any other place I'd ventured into before.

The only difference, that I could see on the surface, was a bouncer on the inside of the club as well as the standards at the front door.

Maybe they often got a bit of a rowdy crowd in? Maybe they were expecting a celebrity? Could be a hundred perfectly logical reasons why this seemingly innocuous nightclub needed a guy the size of The Rock standing guard of the usual black painted door INSIDE the club.

I cautiously watched that door for twenty minutes. Only one guy went through it and he'd shown the bouncer his ID before the door was opened for him. The guy didn't look like staff, he looked like me. Jeans, t-shirt, jacket. Just a guy. But he'd been the only one in and nobody had come out in the time I'd been watching.

So, like all good barroom movies I did what I'd seen actors do a hundred times. I asked the bartender.

Mr Aspiring Actor smiling knowingly and told me that there was a private party behind that door. Members only. A birthday, he thought.

He went back to tending his bar and I turned around and stared at the door for a bit longer. Pondering the crock of shit I'd just been fed.

Oh, it was totally believable that there was a private party going on. No problem with that. And I could swallow that it might be a birthday too. But he'd used the words from the forum. Members only. Nightclubs didn't have a members list. Private clubs did.

Behind that door was my link to the girl.

I motioned the bartender for another drink and while he poured it I asked to whom I applied to gain membership. He nodded once towards the door and told me that Hank, the bouncer, probably knew.

I thanked him and left my drink where it stood on the bar and made my way over to introduce myself to Hank. He didn't look like a Hank. He looked like a Butch, or a Tony, maybe a Dave, but not a Hank.

"Members only," he grunted in true bouncer fashion as I approached.

"I'd like to become a member," I told him matter of factly.

"Yeah, I bet you would, pretty boy," he sneered. I was about to introduce him to my knuckles when he took a business card from his back pocket and handed it to me. "Private club. Fees are pretty steep. Call that number and make an appointment during business hours. Good luck, buddy."

And with that he folded his arms across his chest and resumed guarding that door.

I wanted in. Now. I didn't want to make an appointment; I wanted to go inside now. This was the closest I'd been to answers in months and I was desperate to find out what the fuck was going on with that girl.

Unless I wanted to slaughter every human in the place – and then deal with the family after I'd done it – I was going to have to wait. I hated waiting. I'd had over a century of waiting behind me. I wanted this now.

Maybe there was another way?

I slunk away from Hank and went straight out the front doors. I got into my car and drove it home and put it in the garage, and then I ran back to the club on foot. I mentioned I was fast, right?

This time I went into the alley at the back of the building instead of approaching from the front. No bouncer on the back door, but there was a security camera. That didn't pose too much of a problem for me and I disabled it easily by climbing the brickwork just out of its range and ripping the piece of shit off the wall. I disconnected its wiring and stuffed the apparatus back into the drill holes in the bricks. Anyone monitoring it would know it had been tampered with the instant its feed was broken, but if anyone came to see what was wrong with it in the dark they probably wouldn't notice I'd all but destroyed it.

Once back on the ground I listened for a few minutes. I hid in the shadows and waited to hear, and see, if anyone was going to come out and check what was wrong. Nobody did.

I busted the lock on the backdoor but shut it behind me as I entered the dingy hallway. The bass from the music in the main club reverberated through this area but it was a dull thump and not anything that was going to stop me from picking out the sounds I was actually listening for.

There were four unmarked doors. Two on each side of the hallway.

Door number one, I could tell from the sounds inside it, was an office. No interest to me so I moved on. Door number two was the staff break room. A few off colour jokes and the smell of microwaved meals, but again, no interest for me. Door number three was bolted shut from the outside and smelled like liquor, probably a storeroom. No illicit sex club hiding behind door number three. That left number four.

The smell of sex hit me before I was four feet from the door. Yes, this was the door I wanted. It was closest to the door that led back into the main club, so I knew that I couldn't snap this lock without alerting Hank, and everyone inside the room too, and I would need to snap it because it was locked from the inside.

How the hell did that work?

Did every member have a key?

Hank didn't usher that guy in earlier, so he couldn't have unlocked it for him. Was there a secret knock? Fuck.

Another dead end and if I wanted entry I was going to out my secret. So back down the hall, back through the busted back door, back out into the night for me.

But you can bet your ass – or your balls if you're a guy reading this – that I had my cell in my hand at one minute to nine the next morning.

"SS Introductions, you have Angel, how may I help you?" a bright, cheery female voice answered.

"Ah, hello, I was given this number to call," I tell her nervously.

"Can I have your name please, sir?" she asked and I gave it freely. "And your return number please," she chimed. I gave that too. "Thank you sir, someone will return your call shortly." And with that she disconnected the line.

Well. That was brief, weird and totally unhelpful. I kept expecting her to ask if I wanted fries with that her tone was so businesslike.

I wasn't going to sit on my ass and do nothing while I waited for the return call so I hit Jasper up for yet another research session on his laptop. This time we tried to back trace the number on the business card. And surprise, surprise, who do you think the number was registered to?

Ten points for Gryffindor if you guess right.

Yup, Mr Jackson Messop. Fucker.

How many pies did this guy have his fingers in? I asked Jaz to see who owned the title deed for the club. Jackson Fucking Messop. Who owned the liquor license there? Jackson Fucking Messop. Whose account paid the staff? Jackson Fucking Messop.

Okay, I don't want to mislead you. His middle name wasn't actually Fucking, I made that part up. It was really Albert. But, I thought Fucking was much more apt.

This guy was everywhere, and nowhere, all at the same time!

I answered the return call on the first ring and got an automated response service instead of a human voice.

"This is a message for Edward Cullen. An appointment has been made for this coming Tuesday at 11.15am. To confirm you wish to keep this appointment please press 1 now." You better fucking believe I pressed one. I pressed it so fucking hard I heard the glass on my cell crack. "Thank you for your confirmation. A list of the items you'll need to bring to your interview, the address and supplementary information will be given at the end of this recording. Press 5 to replay the information at any time. Press # to return to the main menu to cancel your appointment."

I waited on the line for the voice recording to finish and then snatched up my pen and a scrap of paper so I could jot down the information I was about to be given.

"You will need to bring your current drivers license, social security card or passport to your interview to prove your identity. A current medical certificate, police background check, a certified copy of your most recent bank statement and at least two references will also be required. One of your references should be from your current employer, the other from someone who has known you for at least five years but to whom you are not directly related. Your family doctor, lawyer or bank manager will usually provide these for a nominal fee." I scribbled all this down like a madman, getting more and more angry as the recording continued. I wasn't applying for the office of the President of the United States for Christ's sake; I just wanted to find a girl that I'd already fucked!

I couldn't afford to let my anger out because the information just kept coming.

"Attend your appointment unaccompanied. Your application cannot, and will not, proceed should you attend in the company of another person. A non-refundable fee of five hundred American dollars is payable at your first interview. This may not be paid in any form other than cash. We do not accept postal orders, personal or bank cheques and do not have credit card facilities. A receipt will be given. The fee structure for our services, should you be accepted as a client, will be made available to you should your interview be successful."

After that little nugget of information was dropped the recording gave me the address of the building, the floor number and the section I was to present myself to on Tuesday. I was told to not be tardy – yes, she used the word tardy – and then I was offered the option to go back to the main menu and cancel my appointment if I didn't agree to the terms and conditions of this information. I hung up.

You'd think, me being a vampire and all, that providing some of those documents was going to pose a bit of a problem. I mean, it wasn't like I could go to a doctor and get a check up. No heartbeat, no breathing rate, um sir, I hate to break this to you but I think you might be dead.

The drivers license was easy. I had dozens of them. We all did. Remember when I was telling you all about myself and my family and I made it sound like we were really just a regular family and we stuck to the right side of the law? Yeah, about that. I may have, just slightly, warped the truth the tiniest little bit there.

But, here you are. You've stuck with me this long. So I figure I can bend that truth back a little bit now that you've gotten to know me better and we won't be any worse off for it, will we? I'll assume you haven't just closed your browser and you're still reading. Great. Thanks.

So, I had a dozen drivers licenses. We all did. We liked speed and we liked fast cars. We got a LOT of speeding tickets and we went through a LOT of demerit points. But we couldn't drink and drive. That redeems us, right?

I had a social security card too. Okay, it was a fake, but I had one. I had a passport too. I liked to travel, so I had one in all different forms. I think I even still had the first one Jasper had ever made for me. I'd kept it because it was so full of stamps from the places I went that first year after he'd made it for me that it sort of had sentimental value. But I could take a current one with me on Tuesday without a problem.

That was the identity documents sorted. Oh, and the medical certificate wasn't going to be a problem either. Carlisle was a doctor, remember? Not that I'd get him to sign one for me, same surname and all, but he'd forge me a good one without blinking. We did it all the time.

The police background check wouldn't be an issue either. Jasper was so good at forging documents by now that he didn't even blink when asked to make something these days. He had a desk drawer full of blanks from all sorts of institutions by that point. So when I asked for one for the state of Maine he just dug one out that he already had, typed my name into the right boxes and then signed it. It had a seal on it and everything.

I'd print my own bank statement out and I'd get Jasper to sign that too. He did a better version of my bank managers signature than the actual bank manager did anyway. Much nicer too. Better penmanship.

The references I'd do myself. The only thing I needed to do was choose where I was employed. Could be a doctor, that would probably bode well for the interview. Professional man, lots to lose, a guy who's used to being confidential. Or I could be a pilot, a dentist, an architect or even a chef. That'd be pretty funny. Me, a chef. But I went with doctor in the end because I actually did have a medical degree, in my own name, that was legitimate. So if I went that route I wouldn't have to forge anything else, or get Jasper to hack into any computers to change any details about my history. Yes. I'd be Doctor Edward Anthony Masen Cullen. I actually was, easy peasy.

I won't boast so just know that the cash wasn't an issue. I had it to hand.

When Tuesday came around I was going to wow Mr Jackson Messop so thoroughly he was going to be begging me to become a member of his exclusive club.

* * *

**A/N: To those cretins who are private messaging me and asking if I'm attempting to rip of Fifty Shades with the name of this story know this, Fifty-Six refers to the number of minutes Edward spent in _that_ girls company. And it is in reference to the exact length of time it took for his whole world to change. **

**For those of you who continue to private message me and threaten me with hell/decapitation vampire style/the loss of one hand, one leg and or one eye for writing a story where Edward behaves badly towards women, get over yourselves. Thank you. **

**Thank you for reading. **

**Please review. **


	8. Chapter 8

11.20 on Tuesday morning saw me enclosed in a sterile cubicle inside your run of the mill commercial office building in what could've been any small city in any country.

After handing over my identity documents, five hundred dollars in cash and my references I was handed a folder of documents and shown into the cubicle. I was asked to read everything, fill in everything that required filling in and to take as much time as I needed. I was shown where the restrooms were and where I could find vending machines for coffee and cold drinks and a variety of snacks.

Apparently this process wasn't a quick one.

No matter, I'd waited this long, and I had nowhere else I needed to be, so I settled into the cubicle and started reading.

The first paper in the folder was a brief outline about the 'organisation' I was applying to. Standard statements about confidentiality and a release from liability form. I didn't bother reading those too closely, I couldn't get hurt by anyone and I wasn't likely to be telling anyone anything considering I couldn't tell anyone what I really was.

The second sheaf of papers was your standard health and medical disclosure statement. No I didn't suffer from a heart condition. There was no instance of mental disorder, epilepsy, diabetes or anything else in my family's history.

No I wasn't suffering any condition or lingering injury that would affect me in any way during interactions with other members. I wasn't a smoker, drinker or recreational drug user. I wasn't taking any prescription drugs and I wasn't a recovering alcoholic or drug addict.

I agreed to have regular (at least six monthly) medical checkups and I agreed that the findings of those medicals would be made available to the organisation upon request. Carlisle was going to love filling those out!

I didn't have any allergies to latex, spermicides, leather, metals, lubricants or specific clothing items.

I didn't suffer loses of control, anger management issues or have any issues with being punished if I chose to apply as a submissive. I'd never had a black out, become catatonic or unable to be roused during any sexual act and I'd never hit my head causing memory loss or concussion.

I wondered, by this stage, if I was going to be asked to piss in a jar. I hadn't thought of that. Might be a problem seeing as I couldn't. Same goes for giving a blood sample. Couldn't do it. I didn't have any blood in my system that wasn't animal blood. Luckily the medical form ended with the concussion question and I didn't have to worry about it.

I flicked through the rest of the folder but didn't see a damn thing that had a name, or any information about the organisation on it. It was like I was filling out forms for employment. And then I saw that the next part of my required reading was a set of rules for prospective applicants. Wow.

I'll jot down the main ones for you now. Just the ones I thought were particularly interesting because they were the things that sort of began to make me see just how serious this situation was. And not just for me. But for those I loved (i.e., my family) and for humans who wanted into this lifestyle. Just know that the rest of the rules were boring and pretty standard. The kinds of things you'd read if you were signing up to play paintball or laser tag, or some other recreational activity where you could be injured or emotionally hurt in any way.

Under no circumstances were members to engage in any act that is illegal in the state or territory where that act was to be conducted. The organisation accepted no legal liability for any loss or injury sustained during the course of an illegal act with another member.

No act was to be carried out in a public setting. That is to say, engaging in play with a member of the organisation could not be conducted in any area where members of the general public could witness, or hear, that act. That did not include acts conducted inside private areas of clubs where such acts were supervised. Those areas, supervised or sanctioned ones, would be referred to as arenas.

Apart from the twice annual medicals I had to promise to live a healthy lifestyle. I wasn't to do anything that could put any other member at risk. If I engaged in acts of play with anyone who wasn't a member of this organisation I should garner as much information as possible about that person to ensure that should a problem occur later the organisation could identify and find this person should the need arise.

I had to accept the conditions of membership which included a confidentiality agreement, that protected not just the organisation but also myself, from any liability or legal claims made.

I had to agree that if I broke this confidentiality agreement in any way my membership would be cancelled and I would no longer be bound by the legal protections the organisation afforded to me as a member. Those protections were listed, but it isn't necessary for me to tell you them in any great detail.

I'll just say that they were pretty standard. They wouldn't release or use my personal information in any way without my written permission blah, blah, blah.

I was getting bored with it all. I'd been there an hour and a half and I wasn't any closer to finding that girl. I hadn't been patient up to that point and saw no reason to be now I was faced with this mountain of paperwork.

I flicked ahead in the folder and was trying to decide whether to continue with the application or just leave and break into apartment 6C and find what I could when I saw a checklist.

And what a checklist it was!

It was in yes/no format and from the quick skimming I gave it it looked like a hell of an eye opener.

Okay, so I should admit that at this point all thoughts of leaving and having a crack at breaking and entering left my head. I got hard instantly and stayed that way for the rest of the time I spent in that building.

Another thought occurred to me the further down the checklist I went. I was SO still a newbie. One experience being a submissive did not an expert make.

With the anticipation of the 'good stuff' ahead I turned back to the pages preceding the checklist and tried my best to answer as honestly as possible. It was becoming clear that the organisation was actually a matching service. Dominants applied to find subs, submissives applied to find doms.

The very first question on the questionnaire I had to leave blank. Was I applying as a dominant or a submissive? I didn't know. I didn't know enough about being either when I applied, so I left it blank and hoped that by the time I'd finished reading, and filling out everything in that folder I'd be able to go back and mark one of those two boxes.

Right below that very telling question was another. Less intimidating but just as hard for me to answer.

Why was I looking for a new partner/multiple partners?

Technically I wasn't looking for either option. I'd only ever had one partner in this form, and I was looking specifically for her, so what to answer?

I decided honesty was going to be my best bet so I scribbled something along the lines of 'I'm new to the lifestyle and have only ever had random experiences so far. I'd like to have a partner that is more experienced so that I can learn more for myself'. I figured that was as close to the truth as I could go without specifically asking for that girl, and only her.

Next was a heap of questions revolving around whether or not I had partners that I intended to continue seeing that weren't members of the organisation? I could honestly answer that with a resounding no.

There was an addendum to the question though, that I found fascinating. It asked whether, as a submissive, I had written permission from my dominant to apply for membership. Whoa!

Since I hadn't decided yet whether I was applying to be dominant or submissive I left that one blank too.

They wanted my current relationship status too. I was asked to please be honest. They didn't care if I was married and whether or not my wife/husband knew about my alternative interests. It was more that there were potential match ups that preferred/couldn't tolerate certain relationship statuses and my honesty would help them to match me successfully.

I knew, from following the users of the apartment, that a good percentage of the users were married. It had never occurred to me whether or not their spouses knew about their sexual habits outside the marriage. It didn't matter to me either, so I checked single and moved on.

I was asked to indicate whether I was looking for mono or poly interactions. I had no idea so ticked both. I didn't know if that girl liked groups or singles so I hedged my bets and ticked both options. And that's when I decided that I was going to apply as a submissive. The girl had picked me up, she'd been the dominant one, and she'd been looking for someone to be her sub for the night.

And then I thought about whether or not I could go through with match ups and always only play the submissive. Would that get old? How many would I have to endure before I was matched with that girl? And what if she didn't always play the dominant? I'd never be matched with her if I only ticked submissive.

That decided it. I'd check both. I'd 'switch' as it was called in the forums.

Then the next question threw up yet another conundrum. Was I interested in only opposite sex match ups? Jesus Christ. Was I? Was she? I didn't know. That's when I figured if I was in for a penny I was in for a pound and just started ticking yes to pretty much everything on that page.

Same sex, opposite sex. Yep. Groups, sure, why not. Singles, definitely. Interracial, who cared? Disabilities? Sign me up. Deformities, didn't bother me, I wasn't exactly normal myself and couldn't, in its truest sense, be considered anatomically correct myself. So I ticked that box as well. Versatile, wasn't I?

I wasn't opposed to the use of cords (that made me laugh out loud) ropes, chains, handcuffs or any of the other listed restraint devices. I wasn't opposed to the use of paddles, riding crops, leather floggers or any of the other types of whipping articles listed. Though I doubted I'd ever use any of them if the time ever came I answered yes to the use of flavoured lubricants and gels. If I ingested anything that wasn't blood I'd feel sick. I wouldn't puke exactly, but it didn't tickle to have it in my stomach either. I figured if it came down to it I could exclude that from my list of do's and don'ts as the need arose.

I couldn't be hurt by any instrument a human cared to use on me so I just checked yes to everything in the end. I didn't even really read the rest of the options. It wouldn't matter once I'd found that girl anyway.

There was another disclaimer at the beginning of the next page and it had me wondering whether I truly did know the difference between dominant/submissive relationships and BDSM.

This is what it said, as well as I can recall.

We do not offer a slave/master matching service. We do not deal in matching sadists with slaves. This service does not negotiate acts of sadism, humiliation play, torturous play, deprivation or acts of cruelty. A referral can be made available, upon request, to a service that does.

Hadn't I been her slave? Wasn't the binding considered torturous play? She'd threatened to deny me my release; did that count as deprivation and an act of cruelty? Judging by the disclaimer I figured it didn't.

The next page dealt with the things I liked/disliked personally. Piercings, specific jewellery, tattoo's, that sort of thing. Was I into leather, masks, ball gags, soft and hard limits for things I would and wouldn't do.

Did I have a height or weight preference? Did I prefer a hair colour or style type? Punk, emo or hippy attire was mentioned. It seemed pretty lame to me, that part, but I just ticked no to almost everything. I didn't care about any of it except the hair colour. I found myself checking the box that meant I preferred brunettes. First time for everything huh? I considered adding that I preferred tall women but wasn't sure what constituted tall to the organisation so left it vague.

There were some questions about the forms of punishment I was willing to endure for breaches of agreement between my matchups. Silly things, I thought, like being whipped or flogged, denied or shouted at in a derogatory manner. Didn't faze me in the slightest so I ticked no problem to all of them. None of it was going to bother me in the slightest. In fact I started to think 'bring it on'.

And then the big wrecking ball mother of all questions was last...was I fluids-bound to anyone?

What the fuck did fluid-bound mean?

Had I ever cut my palm and made a childish agreement to be BFF's with someone?

That'd be a no so I marked the answer as no. But you can bet your ass I was going to find out more about fluid bonds when I got home. More about that later in this tale.

The last page of the questionnaire was a little less startling and gave me the biggest pause for thought in the whole experience so far. I had to describe why my last relationship had ended and give details about whether I was still in contact with that person, and in what capacity. I hadn't actually ever had a relationship in the truest sense of the term. I thought that seeing the same girl twice was 'dating' but did that constitute a relationship? I didn't think it did.

So I lied. I wrote what I thought whoever was going to assess that form would want to hear. That I'd been in one or two long term relationships and that the most recent one had ended when I realised I wanted to pursue a submissive lifestyle and the girl didn't. She wanted a boyfriend, I wanted variety. She went to find a real relationship; I applied to become a member of this club.

I said I was still in contact with her and that I'd recently received an invitation to her upcoming wedding. Lies, but it looked good on the form.

I was asked to list my hobbies and interests, outside of anything sexual, and that part was easy too. I read and I played piano. Simple.

And finally, the questions ended with two doozies.

List 2 questions you hoped you would be asked today.

And

2. List 2 questions you hoped you wouldn't be asked today.

That stumped me. I hadn't thought about more than ten percent of the questions before I entered that cubicle because I hadn't really known what I was getting into in the first place.

Was there anything else I needed to ask? I didn't think so. So I went with humour instead.

So for question one I listed these two.

1. I hoped you'd ask whether or not I wanted to flick through your catalogue.

2. You never asked for my penis size or a reference from two previous partners about its prowess.

Childish? Probably. Not funny? Probably that too. But I didn't want to leave them blank.

For the second lot I wrote this.

1. I hoped you wouldn't ask how big my penis is.

2. I hoped you wouldn't ask me to prove it.

Again it was probably childish and not funny, but what would you have written? Go on. Think on it a minute. If you'd just filled out thirty typed pages of questions about something you really hadn't given that much detailed thought to what would you ask, or hope you wouldn't be asked?

Yeah. Not so easy is it?

And like all good conundrums about three hours later, after I got home, I thought of a million things I could've written.

Yeah. You're just like me. Crap under pressure.

It didn't occur to me that I hadn't actually signed my name to anything in the folder until I took it back to the receptionist and she handed me yet another page. She told me that if I signed it, 'where the arrow is Mr Cullen', that one signature meant I declared that everything I'd written in all the other documents was the truth and that I'd be bound by them once I signed.

I didn't bother reading the terms and conditions. I just signed. By this point I just wanted my membership card, or whatever it was that would get me through that door in that nightclub.

I handed her the form back and she tucked it into the folder with my answer sheets. She asked me to take a seat in the waiting room and help myself to beverages or snacks. She told me that she'd take my details to a 'processor' and someone would come for me in around twenty minutes.

So I waited. Impatiently. And with a boner.

Twenty-six minutes later, but I wasn't in a position to complain about tardiness, a guy in a pinstriped suit came out to collect me. This was Gary Heinz and not Jackson Messop as I'd hoped, but he could've been one more link in the chain so I followed where he led. I was doing that a lot lately and I didn't like it.

He offered me a seat across from his desk and then he spread my folder contents out across it. He told me he'd checked my references, confirmed my identity, had had a good poke around my life and had decided that I could indeed become a member.

I wanted to fucking hug the guy!

I wanted to kiss his stubbled cheek and thank him!

Of course I didn't, I'm not a dickhead despite what Emmett would tell you.

Instead I thanked him politely, from my side of the desk, and asked what would happen now.

He opened his desk drawer and withdrew yet another plain white business card and handed it to me.

"This is the saviour I have assigned you to. You'll like him, I think. He's very good." I took the card and read it, hoping yet again to read the name Messop. Of course I didn't, I was getting used to that too. My saviour, whatever the hell that meant, was going to be Mark. No surname. Gary continued while I stared at the card. "Give us a day or two to enter all your details into our databank and we'll contact you with a match up or two. Of course you can turn down any match up we offer you and remember that you can change the preferences you've marked on your questionnaire at any time too. Don't hesitate to call your saviour if you want to change anything, or to cancel your membership."

That wasn't going to happen until I'd seen that girl again so I nodded to show that I understood.

He slipped another page across the desk and I took a look while he explained what it was. It was a chart explaining the costs of my membership. I was to pay a set amount every month for the service, whether I used the service or not, and it didn't matter how many match ups I used that month, the amount wouldn't change. The instructions for how to pay my membership were pointed out too. Cash, of course, to be deposited either at reception monthly or into a bank account using the details at the bottom of the form. No bank transfers. No online bill paying facility to be used. No PayPal. I had to go to the bank and deposit it anonymously every month. I could live with that so I said I agreed when asked and signed where I was asked to sign.

He handed me yet another business card that had a four digit number printed on it and nothing else. This was my membership number and I'd need it for every interaction I had with the organisation from there on in. He told me that this interview process was the first and last time I'd be known as Mr Cullen and that from now on I would be known only as member number 1339.

Impersonal for an organisation that was essentially a dating agency. Albeit a pretty fucked up one from where I was sitting.

Next I was given a key. A plain, copper key.

I just stared at it for the longest time. I had a key. Would this open apartment 6C? Would it open the door Hank guarded or would it open door number four at that nightclub?

Apparently the answer to that was yes and yes. It was a master key to the locks situated in that apartment building AND for the private room at the back of that nightclub.

I was in.

And yet I still had to fucking wait!

How long would they take to find me a match? I know he told me a couple of days, but I didn't know if by checking all those boxes that would make it easier or harder.

The last thing he did before shaking my hand and ushering me out of his office was give me a small pamphlet. I didn't read it before leaving but the second I had the door closed on my car I opened it and read it from cover to cover three times.

I learned that my saviour – Mark – would answer any questions I had. He'd be there to help if I had any problems during or after I'd been matched with someone. If I wanted to be put on the invitation list for private functions being held at the nightclub I was to give my membership number to Mark, who I assumed would inform Hank. I was to call Mark when I required the use of apartment 6C and follow his instructions to the letter. I was instructed to check in with him when I arrived there, and check out with him once my match up had left the premises. Mark would accompany me to a match up anytime I wanted him to as long as the time and place was possible for him to get to. I was informed that Mark was subject to an extensive confidentiality agreement, separate from the type I'd just signed, and that he was to be my first point of contact for everything involving the organisation that I was now a member of.

The last paragraph of the pamphlet interested me most. It asked me to think of a name I could use at the nightclub functions and tell my saviour what it was to be. Real names weren't used there and I had to come up with something I would remember easily and be comfortable being known by with other members.

It took about point two of a second to know what my name was going to be.

Fifty-six.

* * *

**A/N: Thank you for your continued support, and also, strangely, thank you to those who continue to threaten me. It's really helping me. It's feeding my rage and making me write our beloved Edward as an even bigger shit than I'd first planned. So thanks :)**

**Thank you for reading. **

**Please review. **


	9. Chapter 9

Another ten points to Gryffindor if you can guess why I chose the name I did.

Yep, you guessed it – I'll assume that because you seem to have stuck with me this far which I think means you are not only very clever, but quite a nice person too, and you've worked me out by now – Fifty-six was the exact number of minutes it had taken that girl to change my whole life.

Fifty-six minutes for everything I thought about myself for the last one hundred and twenty years to mean nothing at all.

Fifty-six minutes to turn what I thought had been a healthy, if somewhat empty sex life into something that I could only do with strangers in seedy backrooms in nightclubs, and impersonal, clinical apartments.

For the three years since that first encounter with a dominant I indulged in every sin of the flesh you'd care to name. If you could find it on Google I'd done it. And it all started because of that one, random hook up in one random nightclub with one random self confessed bad girl.

And in all those three years I'd never seen her again. Ever. I went on so many matchups I used up every single available dominant female in the states of Maine, New Hampshire and Vermont that even vaguely resembled the things I'd listed on my questionnaire. I'd even ventured as far as New York State and Connecticut. But I never saw her again.

And then, when I'd exhausted the available matchups for doms I switched sides and started asking for match ups as a dominant myself. Still nothing. Never saw her, never saw anyone like her, didn't even come close.

But let's go back a little ways before I tell you how I turned into this self absorbed, obsessive, hollow shell of a man that I am now.

Back then, when I'd first gained my membership to the organisation, it was for one reason only. I needed to find that girl. Since the hour I'd spent with her in 6C I hadn't had sex with anyone else in the lifestyle, or anyone at all actually. I'd masturbated and fantasised about seeing her again, being with her again, and I'd dreamt up so many scenarios in my head about that that if I did actually stumble across her I'd probably freak her the fuck out.

To me she was perfect and to this day I don't know why.

Looking at the facts as I knew them back then it wasn't a healthy ideology to have had about someone I knew nothing about. She wasn't my type. She wasn't the image of the person I wanted to share my life with and she definitely wasn't the image of the person I would crave to be turned for me.

For a start I didn't even know her name and while that's not necessarily a piece of information that any long term relationship decisions hinges on I felt it was something I should probably know before I began dreaming about a life with her. And by that point I was dreaming about a life with her.

I wanted to convert her. Arrogant I know. Improbable, probably. But its how I felt. Like those guys who wanted to show those poor, lost little lesbians that they could like dick again I wanted to be the one to show that girl that passionate love and sex could be something she could have. With me of course. It didn't escape me that I'd never had passionate love and sex before. But I figured we'd learn together, that I'd make her want that.

I had nothing to base my unhealthy thoughts on though. I didn't know why I thought she was searching for something other than what she already had, I just assumed that she didn't want to live the way she was. She hadn't seemed unhappy to me. Nobody had forced her to pick me up. I had no background information about her life or how she'd been brought up but I'd cooked up such an enormous back story for her in my head by that point that the truth probably wouldn't have swayed me from these thoughts anyway.

To me she was perfect. And I wanted her.

In one encounter that had lasted just under one hour I'd decided she was perfect. How fucked up is that? Why, back then, did that not start alarm bells ringing in my head? Why didn't I recognise that I was getting so far ahead of myself? Why didn't my brain pull me up and restore the normally rational thinking processes I'd enjoyed up until that point in my life? And why didn't the family sit me down, force an intervention on me, and make me see that she couldn't be perfect because perfection didn't exist?

They did, eventually, and with some considerable force, but way back then they were silent. They helped when I asked them to help. They went on stake outs and haunted clubs and pubs. They researched some pretty freaky shit on the net for me and they indulged me every single ridiculous plan I'd cooked up to find her. They did everything I asked of them because they could see how important it was for me to find her.

But I never did.

We'd lived in the house in Maine for five years at the point that I met the girl and we were right on the cusp of having to decide where next to move when I first gained membership to the organisation. And for the first time in a hundred years it was me who made the biggest fuss about having to leave.

We didn't age, as you already know, and the humans around us were starting to notice. It was time to move on, but I wasn't leaving. I remember being so angry that I fought with Carlisle. We tore that fucking living room to shreds that day. Not a stick of furniture survived intact. There were scorch marks on Esme's beloved polished floors from where I'd dragged him up and down it as the fight went on. There were holes in walls and plaster dust hung in the air like a fog. Alice, Rose and Esme screeched at us to stop from the sidelines and Emmett and Jasper stood ready to step in if either of us went too far. It didn't normally ever come to that, we always just tore into each other – and talked smack – then went to our separate corners to cool off. But this time was different.

This time I remember feeling as though I really did want to hurt him. Not physical pain, you know that fighting did squat to us as far as physical pain went, but maybe emotional pain. Maybe that was what I had in mind since no amount of punching or kicking was going to get my point across sufficiently to make him change his mind about leaving the area.

So my smack talk got more and more personal, more cutting, as the fight progressed. This vile tirade of bullshit just came out of my mouth and even though I knew I was deliberately baiting him, and I wanted what I said to hurt, I went too far.

I told him I hated him for changing me. I told him it was his fault I had abnormal sexual feelings. I told him he'd fucked up the transformation process and that it was probably his pathetic venom that had made me into the monster I was.

As soon as it came out of my mouth I regretted it. The instant the words were out there I wanted to scrabble and pull them back. I wanted the pain in his eyes to go away and I never wanted to see it again.

He stopped fighting back right away. He stood, smoothed down the tatters of his shirt looked me in the eye and told me that if I truly felt that way then I was free to stay, but that the rest of the family was leaving. He didn't care whether I followed.

And that's exactly how it went down. They left, I stayed. For three years.

Now, for vampires three years passed in the blink of an eye. It was a drop in the ocean if you put it in context against how long we were capable of surviving. There were vampires I knew personally that had been around when Napoleon got his boating license. Some of them could tell you what Helen of Troy really looked like and I know one guy who insists that Judas wasn't such a bad guy. So three years was a blip. It went so fast for us, but only if you were doing what you wanted to be doing, and spending that time with the people you loved and respected.

Think about it. Why is prison so awful? (Now I know there will be some among you, dear readers, who disagree that it's awful for the simple fact that it's not actually a deterrent, but let's assume that for normal people the idea of it makes us shake and shudder in fear.) It's awful because all you can think about while you're in there is what your loved ones are doing, and that you want to be doing it with them. It's why they all dream of escaping. It's why solitary confinement drives even the hardest criminal minds insane. Isolation is a known torture device.

So whilst I wasn't exactly alone – I was surrounded by humans, and could find other vampires for company if I so wished – I was separated from my family. And it hurt.

The day they left was horrendous. I still wasn't willing to leave, but I didn't want them to go either. We tended to leave furniture and some comforts in the houses we vacated because you never knew when you'd need to move in a hurry and having a comfortable home in various locations had been a godsend on more than one occasion, but without the rest of the occupants it felt as empty as if they really had taken everything with them.

Oh, we kept in touch and I hadn't been banished or ejected from the only family I'd known in over a hundred years, but I wasn't exactly wanted with them either.

In the days preceding the move the girls showed their displeasure and my brothers kept mum. Carlisle outright refused to speak or look at me. I'd wounded him to his very soul, and I knew it.

But I stood fast. I wasn't moving. And I definitely wasn't moving to the other side of the country. They were going to Washington State. A bigger contrast, or a further move, you couldn't engineer if you tried.

I talked to Alice most those first few months we were apart. She kept me updated on what the rest of the family were up to. Carlisle had settled into his new job at the local hospital, Esme had found a new charity to patronise. The boys had found a new group of 'popular' kids to 'break' at the high school. Rose was still fiddling with the engines on the cars and Alice still shopped, constantly. Their lives hadn't changed when they relocated. And mine hadn't changed either.

Sure, they missed me. At least everyone but Carlisle missed me anyway. And I missed them too, Carlisle included. They pled with me to come soon, to sort out whatever was going on with me and to hurry and catch up to them in Washington. Esme sobbed – we can't produce tears but even without the leakage when my mother cried I ached – and Alice tried every guilt trick in her impressive arsenal. The two boys threatened me with every act of violence they could conjure and Rose said she'd help them carry the threats out if I didn't get my ass west.

But I wasn't shifting until I'd seen her again.

I stayed in that house on my own the whole three years.

At first I kind of enjoyed the silence. I could play my piano without worrying about disturbing anyone else. I didn't have to listen to the others indulge their own sins of the flesh and I wasn't constantly surrounded by couples in love. I could come and go as I pleased, even though I'd always been able to do that anyway. But now nobody would question where I'd been and I wouldn't have to see the disappointment in Esme's eyes as I came through the door with a human womans scent on my skin and no intention of having anything further to do with her.

I could hunt at leisure and not stick to the strict regimen Carlisle had us on. He liked routine. He liked us to go in small groups or pairs. He liked us to go at certain times. It was safer and whilst I knew and understood first hand why he was right, that first few months I just loved being able to go when I felt like it.

It took four of the longest, dullest, most frustrating days of my life to match me to someone. By the time I got the call the family was gone and I was a seething mess of testosterone – even though I didn't have any in my cells that's the only way I can describe it to human readers – and I was ready to fuck.

Strangely it was Angel – the receptionist – who called me. She was just passing on the message, but I hadn't expected to hear from her. She told me that a match had been made for me for that night and that I was to call Mark if I was interested.

He actually hadn't gotten the message himself I called him so fast. He laughed, yes laughed, when I called him and told him I had a match and I wanted to go ahead with it.

I hadn't talked to him before, I hadn't had a need to, so our first interaction became an awkward, pregnant pause infused fuck up. After he'd stopped laughing he told me he'd go and get the details of my match up and would call me right back. He took only ten minutes but that ten minutes felt longer than the months I'd already spent trying to find that girl.

He introduced himself to me, formally, and told me that it had been difficult to match me to someone using the answers on my questionnaire because I'd ticked so many options. I figured as much so didn't complain. He said that a female dominant was interested in meeting with me in the private rooms at the club. He explained that she was quite experienced and that our statistics matched quite well. A 72% hit rate, whatever that was.

He reiterated the instructions for the use of my key and my ID number and asked whether or not I wanted, or needed, him in attendance.

Did I want him there? Was this THE girl?

Since I had no idea what I was doing, or the protocols inside the private room, I told him that yes, I wouldn't mind if he tagged along. He told me not to be nervous and that he'd have my back the whole time. He said that he often attended with first timers and that I shouldn't feel embarrassed or anxious about it because everyone inside the private room had been a newbie like me at some point. He said that once I was more sure of myself I could just call him for my match ups and that I'd be his check in after the deed was done and that I could have as little or as much help from him as I needed. He told me that no sexual intercourse of any kind could be conducted inside the private room but that oral sex, any and all forms of stimulation were acceptable and that if after meeting her there we hit it off and wanted to go elsewhere it was he who would make the arrangements for the use of 6C. He said not to worry if we didn't hit it off, that it happened from time to time despite the compatibility of our match up on paper, and that if I didn't want to ahead after I'd met her I just had to let him know and he'd make it all disappear. No harm, no foul.

He told me that he would in the private room from mid afternoon, as he had other clients, and that I should arrive and announce myself to the bouncer as close to 7pm as I could to avoid a crossover of his time.

He asked me what name I'd decided to go by and he didn't laugh or ask when I told him what I'd chosen.

I thanked him and told him I'd see him at the club as arranged.

This was what I'd been waiting for. So why did it all sound, and feel, so fucking unseemly now that it was going to actually happen?

But it did. A piece of paper with random questions had matched me, with a 72% hit rate which I thought sounded pretty good, with a woman who was going to dominant me sexually. It was so impersonal. So clinical. So scientific. I knew nothing about her. Age, height, nationality even. But I was going to meet her and let her fuck me.

The irony that it was no different to what I'd been doing for decades anyway was lost to me at that time. In fact, back then, I never stopped to think that the questionnaire I'd filled out was probably more likely to find me a near perfect mate far more readily than I was likely to find one without it. I'd always had impersonal sex, I'd never known anything about the women I'd bedded, but now that I'd actually manufactured this hook up it felt seedy, nasty, and sick.

But I was hard. Hard as a rock and looking forward to a random woman doing to me whatever she wanted to. So I drew the conclusion that I must be seedy, nasty and sick myself. And I could live with that if it meant finding that girl.

At exactly seven I stood in front of Hank and showed him my ID number on that plain white business card. He nodded just once and opened the door to what I hoped would be Pandora's Box. She's probably a nice girl, but I didn't really want to see the contents of her box. It's just a saying. Jeez.

My fingers shook as I slid that copper key home in the lock of door number four. And then I was in. Inside the inner sanctum. And I was fucking lost.

The first thing I did was search the rooms occupants looking for the girl. She wasn't there and my stomach clenched. This was a waste of time, just like everything else I'd done to locate her. She wasn't here.

I was about to turn tail and leave when a big guy approached me. He made Hank look like a dinky toy. This guy either spent his days pumping iron or he was some other mythical creature I'd never come across before. I picked option A simply because I wasn't stupid enough to believe in mythical creatures. I wasn't mythical, I was just genetically different.

"Name?" he asked gruffly just as I was trying to decide whether or not to stay.

Interesting question, isn't it? Was I supposed to give my real name to this guy, then use my made up name once I'd passed the troll under the bridge?

"Which one do you want?" I went with after a second's hesitation.

"Dude, you got past Hank and had a key to get in here so you can tell me your name is Cleopatra and I'm not gonna give a shit," he laughed. "I just wanna know so I know who you're here to hook up with."

Right. The made up name it was then. "Fifty-six," I told him and he nodded just once and said he'd be right back with my saviour.

He knew who I was – not specifically – and he knew what and who I was there for. So far so good.

I took a look around me while he went off to find Mark.

This part of the nightclub was most definitely not normal. It was clean for a start. It smelled of sex and liquor and lubricant. And it made my venom come on like nothing ever had before and that included human blood. Fuck I **was** sick.

The room wasn't large, it couldn't be if it was just a backroom in an otherwise smallish club, but it wasn't cloyingly small either. There were four plush red leather sofas to one side with pairs of people on each of them engaged in what looked like what was happening out in the main club. Some drinking, some petting, nothing too sinister. One couple was kissing quite passionately but upon closer inspection the girl had her hand in the crotch of a different guy than she was kissing, and the guy had one of his hands inside the top of another girl perched on the arm of the sofa. Fair enough.

There was a bar at the far end and the usual male and female restrooms down a short hallway. The bartender could've been Mr Aspiring Actor's doppelganger. There were occupied stools at the bar and some quiet conversation between their occupants but no groping or anything of too much note being said.

There was music too, though this didn't thump and make the walls and floors shake. It was just background noise. It didn't impede conversation which was refreshing.

There was a pool table though it wasn't being used for pool. A girl was lying on its surface and three men were paying her some considerable oral attention. Nobody else paid too much attention, and there were no gawkers, so I took a hasty look and moved on.

High tables and stools formed a cluster to my left and each table held either a pair or a group of talkers.

Pairs of high backed, winged armchairs were dotted around the room and each of them held pairs of players. Some were same sex, some were not, but all were engrossed in various stages of stimulation.

The buzz of battery driven toys was unmistakable to my vampire ears. The soft hum would've been swallowed up by the music or the conversation to the humans, but I could pick out the various apparatus'. A thick black dildo was being used on the nipple of one of the sofa occupants. A lubricant smeared purple atrocity was being dragged across the clitoris of a girl bending backwards over an armchair while she kissed the female occupant of another chair. What looked like a vibrating cock ring was having its speed adjusted by a girl on her knees underneath one of the high tables.

There was another hum but I couldn't isolate it. I couldn't see it either. The other humming was accounted for, but this one was concealed. I was about to start ticking off possible owners of that strange humming sound when I was snapped from my thoughts by the arrival of Mark.

Now the meet-and-greeter had been huge, but Mark was gargantuan! Taller than me by a good six inches and wider by about the same amount. Black as night and a shaved head like a cue ball. With a wide smile he held his hand out to me, told me he was pleased to meet me and asked if I was alright. I told him I was fine, though nervous. He nodded that he understood and then told me that my match was waiting for me at the bar.

I gave the women there a quick look as we approached and once again felt a wave of disappointment because none of them were the right girl.

As we approached a girl on the third stool swivelled until she was facing us and looked me over from head to toe. She nodded once to Mark and he gave me a good slap on the shoulder and fucked off to another part of the room, leaving me standing there in front of her like a dickhead.

"Fifty-six?" she asked.

"That's me," I answered. She didn't snigger at the name either.

"You can call me Lilly," she announced and nodded towards the vacant stool beside her. I sat in it while she ordered another drink for herself. She didn't ask if I wanted one. I didn't, but she didn't ask.

Right. Emotionless. Detached. Until after. Got it.

I relaxed a little then. I sort of got it. Found my feet so to speak. This wasn't a dating service. This was a way for dominants to find someone anonymous to dominate. There wasn't going to be any chit chat. There'd be no 'so, what do you do?' and there wasn't going to be any flirting.

i'd passed muster and that was the end of it.

I sat silently on that barstool and waited for her instructions. I knew they'd come. It's what she was and it's what my form said I wanted.

She drank her drink quite quickly and then she turned to me with the same passive expression the other girl had used. She casually reached into her purse, that was hanging off the top rail of her stool, and withdrew a length of chain. A wide, black leather studded collar dangled off the bottom of the chain. Here we go again I thought as she nodded to me and I nodded in return.

I closed my eyes as the contraption was fixed around my neck. The clink of the chains was different to the rasp of the cords the other girl had used, but it felt the same. Not restrictive, just a device for control. And I liked it.

She gave a short tug on the chain once I was wearing it to her liking and then she bent to whisper into my ear. "What is your safe word?" she asked.

"Pandora," I answered without thinking.

"Use it at will. You will not be punished for using it. I swear this to you," she whispered, exactly as the other girl had. I nodded for her benefit and waited in silence. "You will not make me tug on this chain. You stay close to me, keep the chain slack. If I feel you are too far away from me and I need to tug it you will be punished. Nod if you understand." I nodded. "You don't speak to anyone other than me. Nod if you understand." I nodded again. "I have instructed your saviour to stay at a distance, nod if you agree." I nodded. "Follow," she said by way of ending the rules as she saw them.

I gave one quick glance toward where Mark stood talking with the guy who'd asked my name when I came in and then followed wherever it was she wanted to lead me. I kept that chain slack. I don't know why I did because if she tugged it it wouldn't hurt me, but I did as I was instructed. She moved us between the various groups. At the pool table we stood and watched as the prone girl received what seemed to be quite a nice orgasm from one guys lips and tongue and then we moved on to the high tables.

I'd taken Mark's information about what could and couldn't be done in this room to mean that there would be no orgasming, and certainly no ejaculating. I was wrong and as I was led from group to group I watched those two things happen in various ways, all the time being collar-bound to my match.

It should've been disgusting. Like watching porn which I'd never really been interested in. But it wasn't disgusting at all. I found l liked watching the women while they found their release. I liked the way they writhed and bucked, and sometimes screamed. I liked the expressions on the guys faces as they came and I liked the way the various doms in the room cared for their subs after the fact. Even right there, in the club, they took care of them. Not in the same way I'd been taken care of obviously, but they were looked after none the less.

Lilly led me around for about an hour but her instruction to follow was the last word she spoke directly to me the whole time. I was her accessory for the evening. It wasn't even as if she was leading me around like a dog either. It wasn't like that. She wasn't debasing me, or devaluing me, in any way. In fact it felt like the complete opposite at the time. She introduced me with reverence. She seemed to like that others looked me up and down appreciatively. It was probably the equivalent of being seen as a trophy husband. And I loved it.

Lilly would stop and watch a couple for a few moments, introduce me, fall silent again until whoever we were watching had reached whatever pinnacle they were striving for and then we'd move on. She never participated, or touched anyone, including me. Apart from the connection we had via the chain we had no other interaction physically. I liked that too because I knew that later we would have.

And later we did.

With the collar still attached at my neck she led me to where Mark stood. She announced that we'd be leaving, together, and that she would return me to Mark in good condition. She gave me permission to speak when Mark asked me if that was what I wanted and again when he asked if I wanted him to accompany us. I told him I was happy to leave with her and that I didn't need him to attend. He reminded me to check in upon arrival, and again before leaving to return here. He wished me a good time and said he'd be waiting for me upon our return.

I expected her to take the collar off for the journey to wherever we were going, but I was wrong. It stayed on as she led me down the hallway and out through the back door. It stayed on, and tethered to her wrist, as she drove us away from the club and towards 6C. I kept the chain slack as we went up the stairs and it stayed slack as she called in to her saviour and I called Mark to tell him we'd arrived and that we'd leave again within the hour.

The chain only reached its full length once before she took it off me in the bathroom and that was because she flopped backwards as she came.

The experience was different to the one I'd had with the other girl. The sex was longer for a start. Lilly wanted more from me than the other girl had wanted. She wanted me to go down on her for longer and she allowed me the use of my hands while I did it. She didn't bind me any further than the collar so I had the use of my legs and hands while we had sex too. Though I still couldn't say that I'd fucked her because she'd definitely had her way with me and not the other way around. She instructed me throughout and I complied willingly.

I was on the floor again but this time I was on my back and her moist sex was lowered onto my mouth. I was pressed up against the back of that same sofa as well, but I could use my feet to brace myself and my hands to pull her and push her onto my dick. But that was allowed only after she'd told me I could do it.

She had me bend her over the back of the sofa with her facing up and me between her legs and that's why the chain went taut when she came. With it still in her hand she allowed her body to flop backwards as she let go during her release.

I wasn't punished for it though. By the time she'd gathered herself after the conclusion of her release she was Little Miss Sweet Lilly. She unhooked the collar before we left the living room, that was the only difference between her and the other girl.

She bathed me and I basked in her attention. She rubbed me down with the lotion and helped me dress. She kissed me sweetly before we called our respective saviours and then we walked hand in hand down the stairs to her car. Our hands stayed entwined across the console of her car as she drove us back to the club and they stayed that way until she stood me in front of Mark in the good condition she'd promised she would.

And then she was gone. She left the room and the club and I never saw her again either.

* * *

**A/N: Thank you for reading. **

**Please review. **


	10. Chapter 10

I didn't stay in the private room for very long after Lilly left. I thanked Mark for looking out for me and told him to cross Lilly off my list in future. Been there, done that. If my request was unusual he didn't say so and nothing about his demeanour gave me the impression that it was. He asked if I was still interested in being matched up in future, I told him I was. He told me to have a good night and I went home. Alone.

I hunted after I'd set my keys and wallet down and felt pretty good as I settled in front of the piano to play. I didn't feel as weird as I had after coming back from my random hook up with the girl. I had a better idea about what had gone down, and why, so I played comfortably for the rest of the night.

I wasn't as nervous the next time Mark called to tell me of another match and by the third one I was finding my groove.

I knew better what to expect and found I actually quite enjoyed pleasing these girls sexually and could adapt myself to whatever quirk it was about them that they needed me to adapt to.

And the sexual part got better for me too. I was still disappointed when introduced to my match up for the night and it wasn't the girl, but at the same time I began to look forward to the variety that a new girl could give me. The ending was always the same, but their personal tastes varied. So I began to think I had the best of both worlds. I'd managed to hold onto my need for impersonal sex but I now had variety and diversity in the type of sex I was having.

The personalities of the girls were much the same, but their tastes differed. These girls were detached and confident. They knew what they wanted and how to make me give it to them. They had time constraints and that meant there was no awkward pick up lines or tension or nerves. I was a sure thing, as they were, so the need to charm anyone was removed. I was relieved. It had always felt like deception to me but I could dispense with that and just enjoy the time with them.

Before I became a member of this club I'd chosen similar types of girls. Demure, shy girl next-door types who I assumed never twigged that I was deceiving them. Because they had similar personalities I had the same sex each time I found such a girl to go home with.

I always orgasmed, and apart from one or partners two who obviously faked it – not for lack of trying on my part – the sex had been nerve wracking compared to what I was experiencing with other members. My technique mattered now. It didn't before. I'd wanted to please the random girls, but I HAD to please the players.

I still wanted to find the girl but I might as well have some fun while looking, right?

That's how things went for me after the first few matches. Mark, or Angel, would call and tell me I had a match up available. I'd go, be disappointed that it wasn't her, and then indulge in whatever that nights dominant wanted from me. And then I got to bask in the attention and care I was shown afterwards.

I became increasingly obsessed by being a good submissive. No matter how harshly treated, or how indifferent they were to me, I became determined to make them climax at my pace, not theirs. It didn't always work and sometimes it was nothing short of a disaster, but more often than not I made them come undone with some finesse.

I found ways to hold off my own climax until I was sure my partner could take no more. I thought about innocuous things, or pictured strange or weird things, which usually staved it off. But once I was sure my partner had reached whatever height she was striving for I took my own pleasure. It made me happy to please them. It gave me a great sense of achievement when they praised me. I began to wait for it and once or twice even mentally beg for it.

And then I began to crave it.

It wasn't long before I began to purposefully breach a rule in order to gain the praise when I stuck to it the next time. If I had a partner that was particularly aloof I would find myself goading her into punishing me just so I could feel the sting of her hand on my skin, knowing she'd take the extra time afterwards to soothe that spot.

Not one of them ever commented on my unnatural healing abilities but they all took extra care to ensure my wellbeing if they'd used considerable force earlier.

And then I began to break rules with every partner, no matter how aloof or impassive. I endured any number of punishments and once or twice the use of my safe word – even though I'd never be hurt - just to gain the extra measure of care later on.

I was flogged for disobedience. I was whipped for indifference when enthusiasm was called for. I spoke out of turn and earned having to give a full hour of oral sex to my dominant. She thought of it as a punishment but I fucking loved it!

My bonds were yanked on, tightened, doubled and tied to furniture all in the name of teaching me to obey. I'd been slapped and pinched, twisted into some pretty incredible positions and denied my orgasm on more than one occasion and I kept right on doing it so that after she came she'd care for me for longer than had I obeyed like a good boy.

I started getting off on the perception of my own pain. I didn't feel pain, but these girls wanted me to. So when they thought they were hurting me their scent would heighten and their pulse would race. And I would have to try extra hard not to come where I stood.

There were varying degrees of domination though. Some of the hook ups just wanted me to be quiet. I could do what I wanted as long as I didn't speak. Some were okay with me speaking but didn't want me to touch them until instructed. A few wanted me to lie completely still while they rode me. I was down with that.

Some were downright cruel and no matter how I behaved they'd deny me the release. I didn't enjoy that much because I knew, those times, that their care was necessary and not freely given. They got what they wanted from the sex and the 'looking after' was a task, an obligation. Thankfully those encounters were few and far enough between that it didn't put me off wanting another match.

One asked me to wear a mask that hid my eyes and one told me to wear a full face mask and speak in any accent I could muster that wasn't my native one.

More than once I was asked to kiss or lick feet.

There were also various forms of lubricants. Most didn't need it, but some used it simply for the pleasure I gave them as I applied it. Others enjoyed using it on me and one or two wanted either themselves or me to be covered in it from head to toe.

Leather was a preferred material with these women too. Skirts, tops, pants and even full cat suits were pretty standard. Some, I think, thought it made them look dangerous. Others I believed enjoyed the feel of it against their skin. Some of the items used on me were leather too. The riding crops I enjoyed most. There was nothing quite like the quickening of a pulse when a girl used a leather riding crop on my bare ass as a punishment.

The use of latex did throw up a few interesting problems for me though. Sure, I didn't need to breathe, but there was one girl who I think wanted me to behave as though I couldn't. She'd brought with her a latex facial hood that had only a slight scrap of gauze where my nose sat. It took me a few minutes to work out that this girl wanted me to pant, hard. She wanted me to struggle for breath. She wanted me dependant on her for oxygen. It didn't bother me, and I played my part as best I could, but I didn't enjoy that as much as I did the other latex items that I was presented with over the months.

Ball gags were also a problem for me. They were used more frequently than the hoods and I quite enjoyed them, but my teeth were far too sharp for the rubber they were constructed out of. Once or twice my dominant would frown when she removed the now deflated device from between my lips. I assumed they took that to mean that they'd dominated me sufficiently for me to bite into it, releasing the hideous rubber infused air inside it.

There was a common theme for binding too. Other aspects of the match up might have differed, but almost all of the female doms wanted me bound. Some quite restrictively, like that first girl, others loosely or only for show, like Lilly's collar.

Some liked rope, some chain. Cords were popular and so were lengths of leather strapping. I had one girl who used bandages! I must have looked like an Egyptian mummy that night!

The only other similarity amongst nearly all my partners – apart from those who got off on the punishment and denial and saw the care as a job and not a valuable part of the whole experience - was what would happen after they climaxed. They all changed emotionally. They all took the same care with me afterwards that the original girl had.

The routines for that care varied though. Some wanted to shower me, or with me, but most preferred the tub. Some washed my hair, others merely wet it down. Some washed me with their own hands; some wanted to watch me do it. Some kissed or caressed me, some didn't. Some rubbed my entire body down with lotion, some just the points at which I'd been bound, some not at all. Some girls bathed with me in the tub and some I never saw any of their flesh other than through tight holes strategically positioned in their clothing.

The match ups that occurred with 6C as the initial meeting point were different to those that began in the private room at the club, but they nearly all ended the same way. A fierce, arrogant almost calculating woman would show up and a sweet, likable girl would leave.

I didn't change from start to finish.

I enjoyed the sex and I loved the aftercare, but they weren't the right girl and my brain knew it.

Sure, I liked the sex a lot better once I started getting more out of it than 'just get it over with so she'll be nice to me' but I still didn't want anything from these girls like I wanted from that first girl.

Something was still missing even though all the encounters could be described as having similar traits to that very first one. It still wasn't her.

Through it all I kept in regular contact with Alice. I didn't tell her where I'd been and what I'd done but there were nights when I'd come home from a match up and just really needed to talk to her. A few times I wasn't after that but she'd ask how the search was going and I was grateful for the opportunity to talk about it. She didn't want specifics, and I wouldn't have given them to her even had she asked, but she always sounded sympathetic when I told her I'd had no luck yet.

And I was starting to realise that it was going to come down to luck.

I couldn't be sure just how many people were members of this club, or if other clubs existed in the area, but I'd had so many match ups and not one of them had been her. Did that mean she was no longer a member? Had she moved out of the area or joined a different club? Had she given the lifestyle away altogether and settled down with some schmuck? And worst of all had she found the perfect submissive and decided to keep them as a permanent pet?

I hated that word. Pet. It got bandied about a lot at the club but I hated the idea of being someone's pet and I hated the idea that a dominant would want one. It was this part of my thinking that didn't fit with the lifestyle.

It was about this time when I was matched up with a submissive for the first time. Mark called me and told me that I shared a lot of hit points with this girl and that even though I'd never had a match up from the organisation where I was to be the Dom he offered me the match up and asked me to think on it before deciding.

I did think about it long and hard too. By that point I had plenty of experience being the submissive and thought that maybe it was time to see how the other half lived. It might even increase my chances of being matched with the girl.

I knew what I liked on the submissive side of things and if I reversed the roles I could actually picture myself as the dominant. If it didn't work out, or I turned out to be crap at it, I could always ask Mark to take those options off my list too. I had nothing to lose and everything to gain so I told him I'd do it.

After I said I'd accept the match up I began to get excited about being the one to have all my sexual needs met and then be the one to make my submissive feel good afterwards too. I knew I'd have to be careful with my strength while I was being the dominant one but I'd shown restraint my whole life toward human females so I figured this would be no different.

The caring for them afterward was to be the 'different' part for me. I'd never taken care of anyone. I was an only child as a human and as a vampire there wasn't anyone who needed any taking care of once they'd gone through their change.

Again I went with the theory that I knew what made me feel good when I was being cared for and set my mind to doing something similar now that it was my turn.

The problem, as I saw it, was the apartment.

I had begun to loathe going to 6C.

It wasn't that it wasn't a nice place, it was. And I knew where everything was there, which was actually a part of the problem. Every time I was taken there by my dominant I had nothing new to expect. No surprises because I knew the layout of the place and where everything was kept.

That feeling of anticipation had gone from it for me.

The impersonal sex I'd experienced before becoming a member of that club may have taught me nothing about the actual woman but I learned plenty about her just by being in her personal space.

I saw how they lived. I found traces of their personalities in their surroundings. There was nothing to be learned about anyone if they all used the same clinical surroundings night after night. That part of it was getting stale.

I still liked meeting at the nightclub because there were others there. I was known by that point. It was strange the first time someone spoke to me and used Fifty-six as my name, but after a few months of being seen there regularly the others began to warm to me. As a submissive I was always going to be cautiously treated – just in case whoever my dominant was going to be that night took offence at her 'property' being social with anyone other than her – but I was never treated as lower than anyone else. Doms socialised with subs there even when they weren't there to hook up or meet a potential match. I didn't do that often, go there without a match being arranged prior, but I had gone once or twice just to talk to other subs or doms.

And I think now that's where my distaste for the apartment began. If I'm truly going to be honest with you, dear reader, I began to resent the apartment itself. Stupid I know. It was an inanimate object without feelings and unable to hurt me in any way, but I began to hate it.

I hated that tub, I hated the wine in the fridge and I hated that coffee table that housed all the ropes and cords, toys and lubes.

I hated knowing that the members of the club used it over and over and I hated being in that living room.

So I checked over my membership carefully and even though I couldn't see anything in any of it that said I couldn't take my match ups anywhere I wanted to, I thought it best to check with Mark first. He assured me that I was free to take my partner anywhere I chose, as long as she agreed, but that the check in and out rules remained the same regardless. I had to give him details of where, when and for how long and I had to stick to those rules. They could change, if for instance I wanted to extend the length of time or move to another location, those details were mine to change, but I couldn't do it without telling Mark so that he could tell my partners saviour too.

I didn't know what would happen if I failed to check in, or out, but I knew it could quite possibly end my connection to the club and therefore any chance I had to find the girl.

I wasn't going to be comfortable in my own house so that meant a hotel room. That was easy enough to arrange, so that's what I did. Then I called Mark and gave him the details. He said he'd pass the message on to the girl's saviour and then he asked if there was anything specific I needed her to bring or wear.

I hadn't given it any thought so said no. Just turn up, on time.

I had a day to wait until my first go at being a dominant and I used it wisely. I made a list of what I was going to need, knowing there'd be nothing in the hotel room other than towels and a bed, and then I did what Alice did so well. I shopped.

I found two or three potential retail stores close to where I was and then I went to each in turn. I checked my list in each store and looked at the quality of the products available and then I decided from which store I'd buy each item.

To my surprise I wasn't even embarrassed, or nervous, to shop in those stores. With more time in the planning I could've done it all online and had it delivered, but without the embarrassment it didn't really matter and I quite enjoyed the experience.

I bought lubricant and lotion – strawberry scented – and shampoo, conditioner and liquid soap. I bought the thickest, best quality robe I could find and a dozen matching towels from the same manufacturer. I bought condoms and spermicidal gel even though none of my match ups to date had asked to use the stuff. The condoms were not a point of negotiation, ever, but the girls didn't ask for spermicides as a rule.

Those things had been easy to find in regular stores, the rest of my list not so much. Sure, the things I wanted were in abundance in specialist sex stores, but the quality varied greatly.

Some of the things that were freely available made me wish I could blush. Of course I couldn't, so I stood in front of the displays and looked them all over carefully. Things like cock rings, handcuffs, spreader bars and all the various clamps and clips didn't interest me. I wasn't interested in pain so I left those alone.

The masks and hoods didn't interest me either, at that point. I wanted to see the girls facial expressions. I wanted to know what she was feeling even if I denied her the chance to vocalise it. The floggers and whips, crops and paddles weren't my thing either, though they'd been used on me often enough.

That left rope, cord, chain and a collar. I liked the collars. I liked the thought of putting one on a girl and I liked the thought of being in control of her pleasure. I bought karabiners too, in various sizes and strengths. I added a collar for myself almost without thinking and then went through the check out process.

I had a trunk full of goodies by the time I got to the hotel room. It was all safely inside a duffel bag but knowing what was in it saw me signing the credit card slip at reception with a hard on that could've cracked walnuts.

Once inside the room I set about putting things where I wanted them. I didn't bother with the bedroom at all. I'd never had sex as a submissive in a bed and as a dominant I didn't want to now.

So I set my various restraint devices out on the coffee table and then moved on to the bathroom. The pictures online did it justice, just as I'd hoped. Not as big, or as plush as the one in 6C but not poky or too clinical either. I set out the lotions and potions I'd brought with me and then set out the towels.

I showered and dressed in clean clothes though they weren't my usual attire. I'd chosen plain black pants and a fitted black button down and added a thick, leather belt for good measure. I liked the idea of getting my submissive to undo it while I watched. Maybe I was more voyeur than dominant or submissive? Who knew at that point?

At two minutes to seven I checked in with Mark.

At one minute past seven she knocked on the door.

At two minute's past she'd checked in with her saviour.

At three minutes past I'd told her my rules and she'd agreed to them.

I asked what her safe word was to be and once she'd told me I informed her that she wasn't to speak but I insisted she vocalise her pleasure, if I gave her any.

I asked her to stand in the centre of the living room and then I asked her to take off all her clothing bar her shoes. They were boots, though they were shorter and had a thicker heel than the ones the original girl had worn. Once she was naked I circled her body and told her how beautiful she was. I ran my hands the length of her back, over her ass and down the backs of her legs. I ran a fingertip over each pert nipple and then lifted her chin so I could look into her eyes.

They were sparkling and she was already breathing quite rapidly. She was either new or she was really into being a submissive. I didn't know and I didn't ask.

I kissed her then. I don't know why. Nobody had ever kissed me. But her lips were warm and soft and I found that I missed kissing.

I knew it was far too intimate to be done when I was supposed to be being the dominant, but for your benefit, dear reader, know that I liked it. And that I stopped doing it.

I asked her to stand perfectly still while I placed my brand new leather collar around her throat. I left it deliberately loose and then I attached a thick, twisted length of white cord through its spring latch. I wound the free end around my wrist and felt my cock twitch. That one simple act, attaching a collar and having its end in my hand made me hard. Harder.

I took a cushion from the sofa and placed it in front of her and then I asked her to kneel on it and undo my pants. It was exactly as I'd imagined it. She was perfectly obedient. She concentrated on her task and she released me from my trousers with expert efficiency.

I told her to lick, not suck, and she did. I closed my eyes and revelled in it.

I could have anything I wanted from her. I could get her to do to me everything I'd ever hoped would've been done up to that point in my life. And what did I want?

I wanted her to love me.

I was fucked.

I couldn't do it.

I couldn't insist she do anything.

I couldn't pretend to force her.

I couldn't maintain my erection knowing that anything I wanted her to do she might not have chosen for herself freely.

I'd fucked up.

My arrogance, all my planning, it was for nothing.

I couldn't do it.

I helped her up from her knees and then I let the cord go. I sat on the sofa and to her obvious astonishment I asked her to sit beside me. I took her hand into mine and stroked it carefully and then I explained that I wasn't cut out to be her dominant. Not then, not ever. I told her how sorry I was.

And what did she do?

Did she wrap me in her arms and tell me it was alright? Did she tell me that it was okay, that it happened sometimes, that I couldn't have been sure until I tried it for myself?

Did she fuck!

She went berserk!

She slapped me across the face and had I been human it would've rattled my teeth. As it was it just stunned me for a second.

She screamed and yelled and flew off that sofa so fast I thought I might get wind burn from the rush of air as she whipped around the room and retrieved her clothing.

She raged at me that I was useless. That I was too soft. That she was going to tell the organisation that I sucked and then she snatched up her cell phone, wallet and keys and took off into the night.

But, that experience taught me something valuable.

I was a submissive.

And I wanted love.

* * *

**A/N: Again, thank you to all those who review (privately as well. I understand that not everyone wants to admit that they're reading this type of story, but I want those of you who tell me privately that you're enjoying it that I appreciate you too) and thank you too to all those who are continuing to be very, very angry with me. **

**Your scorn as made me change this story in ways I'd never have tackled had you not shown your ire. So, keep it up naysayers, your services are invaluable ;)**

**Thank you for reading,**

**Please review. **


	11. Chapter 11

Mark called me before I had a chance to call him. Seemed that word travelled fast amongst the saviours. To his credit he was great about it, whilst I felt a prized fool. He told me not to worry about it. That it happened, nobody was going to know about it other than him, the girls saviour and the girl. It wasn't something that was ever advertised and I shouldn't beat myself up over it. Interesting choice of words, no?

In short he said all the things I'd been hoping the girl would say.

He told me to pack up and come on over. 'Over' meant to the private room at the nightclub. I didn't want to when he first suggested it but once he told me that it was pretty quiet, only a couple of unmatched people were there and I'd feel better once we'd all had a good laugh about it I said I'd go.

And I'm glad I did.

He was right. It had happened, at some point, to nearly all the doms – and one or two of the subs as well - in the room that cared to share. They'd all had times when the setting wasn't right, or the girl/guy wasn't right, and they'd all had times when they'd pulled the plug prematurely. So to speak.

I found myself telling the small group – four female doms, three males and three subs – that the point at which I'd gone flaccid was when I realised I couldn't insist that girl do anything at all. They all nodded and all said they understood.

One of the female doms went so far as to say that she too couldn't perform the first time she'd taken a submissive as a match up. I balked at that. How could a woman not perform? She must have seen the look on my face because she delved right into the explanation without being asked.

She told us that she had to get her head into 'the zone' before she played. She had to be in the right frame of mind and that if she wasn't she was, her words, piss weak at it. She said that she'd tried her best to be as confident as she could, and to instruct the sub as she'd been instructed herself so many times, but it was all to no avail. She'd been too nervous and the submissive had been very experienced and expected quite a bit more from his dominant than he got. She'd fled the room and had holed up in the bathroom crying until her saviour came and found her there after she failed to check in.

And like mine her saviour had told her that it happens, not to worry and that nobody would judge her for it.

She said she felt a failure and had hated that she'd cried. But I found it charming and very, very human. She then told us that she'd tried again, a few weeks later, and had never looked back since. She'd done some relaxation exercises before her match up arrived and it seemed to help with the nerves and she'd been quite okay after that.

She asked me, point blank, if I was going to try again. I didn't even have to consider it and told her no right off. It wasn't for me. I didn't have the heart for it and much preferred the other end of the collar. That got a few laughs and once I'd gotten it all off my chest I felt better about it.

Sure, the girl hadn't been happy, but she couldn't have my membership cancelled just because I couldn't go through with it. I learned that the only way to lose your membership was to hurt someone against their will, fail to check in or out repeatedly, misuse information about the club or the organisation or to actually cancel your membership yourself.

Nobody gave reviews, there wasn't a list of who was best at what and there definitely wasn't a rating system for either doms or subs.

Sometimes they talked, like we did that night, but there were never any names given or used so everything that was said in the social setting was vague and untraceable to any submissive or dominant.

I sat there for hours that night and talked and laughed with the group. It felt like therapy and it worked. It was probably my most human moment since my change. They treated me like one – because they didn't know that anything else existed probably – and I behaved like one. I pretended to drink, I shared and I felt real empathy for the first time in decades.

These people were normal. My idea of normal had changed. Sure, they played hard after the sun went down, but they were normal. They had lives that were important to them outside the arena and they loved and laughed just like everyone else.

Being dominant or submissive wasn't who they were; it was just a part of who they were.

Maybe, for the first time in a century, I wasn't actually just a vampire? Maybe I could be a man who just happened to **be** a vampire?

There was no escaping it, after all. I couldn't shake off my vampirism and go and lead a normal everyday life and then when I felt like it just go and be a vampire when the mood took me like these people could choose when they wanted to be a dominant or a submissive. But, maybe being a vampire wasn't all I was?

But the most important thing I learned from the group that night was that I was a submissive and it wasn't anything to be ashamed of. I didn't have it in me at that time to be a convincing dominant and that wasn't anything I should feel bad about either. There weren't too many successful switchers and those that did it well were described as evil bastards, so the group said.

So I didn't let that one failure bother me. I got right back on the horse – so to speak. The following Friday night Mark hooked me up with another match, with me as the submissive, and it was perfectly fine. It was comfortable. It was what I knew how to do and it was done in 6C.

My foray into the realm of the dominant was short lived, true, but it wasn't my last toe in the water into that side of the spectrum.

I should say, at this point, that I didn't think I'd ever be offered another chance to be the dominant. I'd told Mark not to offer it to me again and as far as I knew he'd taken my name off the list of available doms. I went on my merry submissive way and had quite a nice time for the next year or so.

And then Carlisle came to see me.

He turned up, out of the blue, without any forewarning. I'd been with a girl that night and had spent a little time afterwards at the club and when I got back to the house there he was. Leaning against a hire car in the driveway.

As I parked my car in the garage I thought about the last conversation I'd had with Alice. She'd said that Carlisle was away, that he was travelling for a medical conference, but she hadn't given me any indication that he was likely to be near.

He said my name as I approached him, and I nodded at him and said his but he didn't offer his hand and I didn't offer mine. I didn't have to invite him in because it was his home as much as it was mine so I simply went up the porch stairs and went into the living room and then into the kitchen beyond. He followed and we faced off over the width of the kitchen counter once I'd hung my keys on a hook by the backdoor.

"Are you ready to join your family?" he asked matter of factly. There'd been no niceties and considering how we'd left things when he was leaving town I didn't expect any.

"Not yet," I replied. "If you're here to try and change my mind you've wasted a trip."

He sighed and seemed to consider his words before he said them. "Your mother is worried about you. It's been two years, Edward. You belong with your family."

His words had been chosen carefully. He didn't say that anyone else wanted me there; he didn't say that he himself wanted me there, just that Esme did. I found that telling.

"I'm sorry Esme is worried, but I can't reassure her that I'm fine unless she agrees to take my calls," I remember biting back.

He sighed again and ran his hand through his hair. "You can't keep living like this," he hissed.

"Like what?" I demanded, my venom coming on and my shackles rising.

I remember thinking at the time that this could get out of hand fast with the others not here to pull us off each other, so I backed away from the counter and leaned against the sink as casually as I could. Carlisle was lethal when he needed to be. I hadn't seen it more than two or three times in the century I'd known him, but when he let go and let his true nature out to play nothing and nobody was safe.

He'd only ever done it when one of us was threatened, but I knew it was in him.

As predicted he advanced. It wasn't much, but he did it. He took a small step to his left, his hip skirting the edge of the counter. "Like this," he said as he waved his hand around the room. Nothing was any different to when he'd lived here himself so I knew he was trying to make a broader point. I let him continue without arguing the semantics of his statement. "Like some sort of gigolo." He paused only long enough to take another small step, and then continued, "Holed up in this empty house. Fucking anonymous perverts. Nobody in your life other than faceless whores. You let them beat you, don't you? And you beat them in return? And this ridiculous search you think you're on! She's gone! She's not coming back and you're behaving like a common prostitute!" he shouted.

His voice had risen as he'd gone on and by the time the last word had been screamed at me across that small room the windows behind me were shaking.

Now, as I said before, I'd seen him angry. Hell, I'd made him angry myself often enough over the years, but this was different. This was rage. This was hurt and pain and anger and it was directed at me.

I can't say now that I didn't deserve it then. All I can tell you is that at the time, in the frame of mind I was in, as lost as I was but couldn't see it, the more he said the angrier I got myself. As he used the word whore, and then backed it up by insinuating that I was nothing but a prostitute myself, I felt my venom flow and my muscles stiffen and clench in readiness for the inevitable showdown we were about to engage in.

Now, looking back on it, I know that I deserved everything he said to me that day. I didn't think I did at the time, but I know better now. I know and understand now what he was trying to achieve and why. And whilst I still don't – and never will be – ashamed of what I am I now understand why he saw me the way he did. He thought I was buying sex. He thought the women I had that sex with were selling themselves to me, through the organisation. He believed that I let women beat the hell out of me for money. He didn't understand it because I'd never explained it to him.

I'd never told the family how I felt. I'd never explained what the organisation was and what services they provided. To the family it probably looked like there was a pimp and I paid him to find me someone to fuck, and the women paid him to find someone for them. That was my fault, because I'd not given them any other impression. Their ignorance was evidence of my failure. They knew I had anonymous sex and they knew it was a little bit kinky, but why I wanted it, why I liked it, why I couldn't perform any other way now was my secret. I'd shut them out.

His anger was my fault. A lie by omission is still a lie. I'd never taken the time to tell them how I felt and why. And now they likely hated me because they didn't understand.

I felt my anger abate so rapidly it made my head spin. It was as though all the rage that had engulfed me as he'd spoken now flowed out of me at a rate of knots.

I had to explain it all to him, give him facts and genuine answers, and then I'd see what he thought. But this, fighting because neither understood the other, would solve nothing.

So I held up my hands, palms up, to show him I didn't want to fight and that I was no threat to him. What he'd said had enraged me, don't think it didn't, but I knew this man. I knew him inside and out. I knew him as the only father I could remember. I knew him as my sire and I knew him as a doctor. He understood science and how to see the results of tests and experiments. And that's what this was. I had to make him understand the experiment I was trying so that he'd understand that I hadn't done any of this to hurt him, or anyone else.

I had to prove to him that the search for that girl wasn't futile. It wasn't a whim and it that what I was doing now wasn't about 'fun', it was necessity.

I wanted to sit with him and calmly tell him everything.

I wanted him to see that I wasn't an abomination, that I had feelings, that I was just searching for this girl. This one girl.

He had compassion, more compassion than most humans and certainly more compassion than any vampire I'd ever known, but he'd come here to say this to me without knowing all the facts and I owed him so much that I wanted him to give me that chance to tell him what was going on for me and why.

It didn't quite go that way.

"I'm sorry you see my choices that way," I told him as calmly and as evenly as I could.

I was about to continue – to tell him everything - when he stepped closer again and roared, "No man in his right mind would choose this!"

I had nowhere to go, I couldn't go back any further against the sink and he knew it. "I am in my right mind," I told him. "I know what I'm doing. I'm not hurting anyone."

"You're hurting us!" he roared again, louder and he punctuated it by slamming his hand down on the edge of the countertop, splintering the edge and showering the room with shards of black flecked marble. I cringed away but he wasn't to be deterred, he was a man on a mission. "Every day that you aren't with us it hurts us. Every day that you don't call hurts us. Every day that you sleep with some nameless woman it hurts us. Every cent you pay that disgusting club hurts me."

He's changed from 'us' to 'me' and it stung.

I believed what I'd said. I believed I wasn't hurting anyone. But I'd hurt him. I'd hurt my family.

Did it matter? I realised that it did. It did matter to me that my choices hurt them. I didn't want that for them. I wanted to be honest and open and tell them all what I was going through and why. And I wanted to start with the man in front of me because he had been the one to give me this life.

"I don't mean to hurt you," I managed to get out before he came at me again.

With him only two feet from me, and his whole body shuddering with rage, I cowered away from him. I let him see that I wasn't going to respond with violence. I kept my arms at my sides and my mouth shut unless speaking lest the scent of my venom enrage him more.

In the end it didn't matter what I did. His mind was made up. He'd come here knowing what he was going to do. Nothing I could've said would've changed it.

"Listen to me Edward, really listen to me," he barked as he stood over me. He was so close his venom washed across my face like a vapour. I couldn't control my body's reaction to it any more than he could control his reaction to the influx of venom that now coated my mouth. "I gave you this life and I can take it away just as easily."

I snapped. Truly snapped. I'd wanted to explain, make things right. I was willing to listen to him if he'd listen to me. But that, what he said, that...it was the equivalent of a parent – a real one – telling their child they don't love them anymore and they're going to murder them.

And I snapped. Something inside me just wrenched free in my brain and before I knew what I was doing I'd licked my teeth and let my venom come to the front of my mouth and then I fronted him too. I got right up in his grill and hissed into his face. "You gave me this life to live. It's not yours to live, I'm living it. It's not yours to take back. Fuck off back to Podunk Washington and let me get on with it," and with that I gave him a mighty shove.

He wasn't having it. He was ready for it and be braced himself for the impact so he went exactly nowhere. I bounced off him and hit the sink with my hip, making it buckle and whine as the metal and tile separated where it met the wall.

And then he was on me.

It had taken me four months to put the house to rights after our last fight but I had to wonder if there would one pillar left standing after this one as he tackled me to the floor.

The timber splintered beneath me as we both hit the deck. We punched and kicked and took hits one for one as we both continued to shout obscene things at one another.

He told me he hated what I was doing. I told him it was none of his business. He told me he was ashamed of me. I told him I didn't care what he thought.

He landed punch after punch to my jaw and I matched every one of them to his. And all the while we screamed at one another.

I gave no thought to his well being and he gave none to mine. And as was the way of familial vampires it wasn't about what we could do to each other physically it was about what was said that inflicted the most pain.

He insisted I come 'home', I told him I was home. He told me I was alone because I was an emotionless bastard; I told him I was happier alone if I couldn't have that girl. He told me I was being a fool; I told him I was happy to be one. He told me he'd promised Esme he'd bring me home, I told him to go fuck himself with his guilt trip.

The fight moved on into the living room where we destroyed yet another coffee table, two sofas and the stained glass window that had hung beside the front door for thirty years.

He insisted I was disgusting, I told him he had no idea what he was talking about. He told me there must be something mentally wrong with me to live the way I was, I told him that if there was it was down to his venom.

He dragged me across the room and threw me through Esme's Chinese paper room divider. I pushed him off me with such force he flew back and smashed through a china cabinet.

As he ran across the room to shoulder me into the pillar that held up the dining room ceiling he told me I didn't deserve my family; as I threw him off me and gave him a mighty shove into what was left of Emmett's stereo centre I told him I didn't want them if they didn't love me for what I was.

We shattered the television and had raked up another three feet of floorboards before he began to wane.

He'd never tire of the fight, but mentally he'd had it, and I knew it. I'd had enough too. We were getting nowhere. We were probably further apart than before he came back to Maine. And I'd had enough. So I ended it by landing the sucker punch.

"She's my singer!" I bellowed and pushed him off me one last time.

He let me go right away. He stood and then backed away as though I'd struck him and it had actually hurt. He stared at me for the longest time. I remember the look of utter disbelief on his face as he digested what I'd said. The fight went out of his eyes and his body slackened, his shoulders relaxed and he flexed his neck and wrists before he spoke again.

"Is that true?" he asked, stunned. I hung my head and told him that it was. "Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell someone? Why let us suffer through this? Why suffer through it alone yourself?" he asked.

I got to my feet and yanked my shirt back over my shoulder. "I knew the second she tapped my shoulder in that club. I knew when I couldn't get her out of my head. I knew when I could recall her scent at will." I slumped into the nearest chair – or what was left of it – and he did the same. "But she deserves her humanity."

"Okay," he sighed, "But why not tell us? We could've helped."

I laughed then. "Really? You'd have helped me? The disgusting one? The emotionless one? You'd have helped me doom an innocent girl to this life?"

He was silent then. He didn't take his eyes off me, but he was silent for the longest time. I didn't have anything else to say so I was quiet too. I had no idea how he was going to react to my announcement, so I just sat.

Now, I know you're all probably wondering what a singer is, and why my revelation that the girl was one stunned Carlisle as it did, so I'll do my best to tell you.

Keep in mind that I'd always wondered if it was true, what the oldest vampires I knew had told me about the phenomenon. And I'll be honest now and tell you that until I met that girl I didn't believe a word of it. Even now I'm sceptical.

A singer is someone whose blood sings to a vampire. It calls to us. We don't just want it, we crave it. It's unique and it's so rare I'd never met another vampire who'd ever met their singer. It's a scent that strikes you on a cellular level. It seeps into your system and makes you crave it. No, worse than that. It makes you hunt it down.

There had been something peculiar about that girls scent that first night. And I kept that small piece of information from you, dear reader, for a reason.

Hear me out.

Had I begun this tale by telling you that this random bad girl was my singer – and explained what that meant – you'd have written me, and her, off from the first. But I wanted to explain to you the more human side to what I felt; I wanted you to know how and why I came to be the man I am now without the unexplainable pull I felt to her blood. I had to leave the blood issue aside and make you see me for a man first. I've tried to keep my vampiric nature out of this story as much as I could so that you'd come to see me as a man first, vampire second. And I hope it's worked because from here on in I am vampire first.

That girl changed me, yes. She made me want something, someone, I didn't know I needed until she presented herself to me and from that day onward it's all I've been able to think of.

Her scent was perfection to my palette. Her blood called to me, day and night, without exception. Every girl I'd been with since held no fascination for me not because they weren't that girl, but because they weren't that girl with that blood.

I didn't want that girl because she beautiful, though she was. I didn't want her for her intellectual qualities, though I'm sure she has many. I didn't want her because the sex had been so incredible, though I was sure it could be if we had spent longer getting to know each other, or any time at all.

I wanted her because she had the most delicious, spicy blood I'd ever smelled.

It was as simple as that. And go on, admit it, if I'd told you that from the off you'd have dismissed this story, and my plea for your opinion, as farce. So I'll try to explain it to you as best I can and hope that you stick with me.

She was mine. There would be no other. There could be no other. I'd never find anyone I wanted long term whilst she walked and breathed.

And there in lay the problem. If I found her again I'd turn her. I'd have to. There was no other option. It would be compulsion and she'd have no choice in it. I knew that about my kind and about myself. The control I'd shown that first night would not be something I could achieve twice.

I let her bind me that night. I let her fuck me that night. And I let her leave me that night. And if I knew then what I know now I'd never have let her go. If I'd known the agony of living without that scent near me I'd have changed her right there on the living room floor of 6C and I'd have done it without a thought for what she wanted. For she was mine.

At the time I thought I was doing the right thing by letting her leave, or leaving myself at the very least. I'd had a century of controlling myself around humans and I was an expert at denying myself their delicious blood.

That's not to say that I'd never had it before. I'd supped from the plate of the devil. But it had been decades since my last slip and even though I'd just been confronted with every vampire's worst nightmare I had controlled that part of my nature.

But I knew that I'd never show that much self control again if she was near. And Carlisle knew it too.

He pointed one finger at my chest. "You have one month. Find her. Convince her to be changed, without deceit. If you haven't found her by then I'm coming for you, Edward. And I WILL take you home with me. Of your own free will or in a paper bag, the choice will be yours when the time comes. But if you find her and change her against her will I'll hunt you down, son. I'll end you myself."

He said nothing else, he did nothing else, he simply walked out the front door, got into the hire car and drove away.

The threat was real and it was clear. I had one month to find her and convince her to spend eternity with me or he was coming to take me to Washington. Either under my own steam or he was going to end me and scrape my ashes into a paper bag and take those home to my mother.

I didn't doubt he'd do it. I didn't doubt the conviction I saw on his face nor how earnestly he believed what he'd said. I had one month and then I was bound for Washington.

* * *

**A/N: Thank you for reading.**

**Please review. **


	12. Chapter 12

I wish I could tell you, dear reader, that I used that months grace to do the right thing and doubled my efforts to find the girl, and that when that didn't pan out I went home. I wish I was the sort of man who could do that. I wish I could let the scent of that girl go and that I could move on with my life knowing I'd done my best to find her. I wish I was able to tell you that I gave up the search and let it go, like any normal man would. I wish I had the ability to see it as a simple failure and learn something fundamental from it that changed me for the better. But I didn't.

I spent that month fucking anything that walked. If it had a pulse, and it was willing, I fucked it. Men, women, subs, doms and some randoms too.

The rage I felt about the ultimatum I'd been given woke the dominant in me and I ran with it.

With the sound of Carlisle's hire car tearing down the driveway I called Mark and TOLD him to find me a submissive. Any submissive. He asked, of course, what had changed my mind but I told him it was none of his business.

It mustn't have mattered to him why I wanted another shot at it because he called right back and gave me the details of the match up.

I didn't bother with a hotel room; I didn't bother with props or plush towels or even too much with my appearance. I just wanted to fuck. I just wanted to take my frustration out on someone willing.

I fucked, flogged, whipped and degraded that first submissive Mark sent to me so thoroughly that I spent an entire day and a half caring for her afterwards. After my first orgasm I untied her and asked her to call her saviour while I called mine. I told Mark I was moving her to a hotel and that we'd be the whole night. He seemed a little concerned, but the girl had consented so there was nothing else to be said.

I kept her in her collar, just as Lilly had kept me, and I drove her to the same hotel I'd had my first try at being a dominant at. I booked out the entire floor for the night and once we were both inside that room I indulged every whim I'd had but couldn't go through with that first time.

I was careful with my strength and careful with her flesh but apart from those two sensibilities I did it all. I bound her, hogtied her in fact, and fucked every available hole multiple times.

I gave her pleasure too, and I knew I'd given it to her because I insisted she be vocal about it. She screamed and creamed half a dozen times before the rage inside me was spent.

She did everything I asked of her, the way I'd asked her to do it, and she loved every fucking minute of it, so don't feel bad for her, it's what she wanted from me and I was sufficiently angry enough at my father to give in to it.

And I enjoyed caring for her. So very much. It was everything I'd hoped it could be. I was careful and indulgent and as respectful as I could be with her. But only after.

She checked in with her saviour, as did I with Mark, and we extended our time by another six hours so I could spend it caring for her wounds.

I hadn't broken her skin – even now I don't think I could've controlled myself if blood had been spilled – but she was bruised and swollen by the time I lowered her into the tub.

I let her soak in the hot water, never leaving her side, and after her skin had wrinkled and resembled a peach pit I dried her carefully and then rubbed her entire body down with lotion.

The hotel supplied lotion was crap, but it got the job done.

I wrapped her in the hotel robe and laid her on the bed and then I watched her sleep for two hours.

It was the most wonderful experience for me. She was a sweet girl who, like I always did, basked in the warm glow of comfort and care after the sting of the sex had abated.

But as I always had I let her go on her way without another thought for her when our times was up. It's what I did. It's who I was. It's what I wanted and what she wanted. It's how it had to be because even though my rage had fuelled the intense feelings of satisfaction when I conquered the dominant side of my nature, the instant she left the hotel room I returned to the feelings of loss, longing and emptiness I felt without that girl.

I took double shifts after that. Multiple hook ups in one night sometimes. Threes, fours, groups, couples, men, anything and everything that would narrow down the search, I fucked it. Or flogged it.

I even had a standing booking for that floor of the hotel on Friday and Saturday nights. So many times in that last month I used the entire weekend to indulge myself.

In four weeks I'd managed to bed sixty-seven different people and I regretted not a single second of it. But I still had no idea who the girl was, or where to find her.

The day before my 'deadline' I spent the day covering as much area in and around the club, and the building that housed 6C, trying to spot her. I looked in every window of every business within a five mile radius and I walked every street in the surrounding area trying to spot her car. Nothing.

No hint of the scent of her delicious blood anywhere. No sighting of anyone even slightly resembling her. Nothing. And my time was up.

I hadn't heard from anyone in my family since before Carlisle had arrived for his visit the month before so I had no idea when exactly he'd show up to collect me. Or if he would.

As soon as I knew the phones would be manned at the organisation I called and asked to speak with Gary. He took my call promptly and said how sorry he was to hear that I was cancelling my membership.

He asked the standard questions like 'are you having difficulties with your saviour' and 'would you be willing to fill out an exit questionnaire about your time as a member' but I just wanted it finished and said no to both.

It wasn't anyone's fault I hadn't found her because nobody but me knew I'd been searching in the first place. I hadn't had a bad experience since being a member and I didn't want to fill out an exit form because it wasn't my choice to resign my membership. My family didn't want it for me and if I was truly honest with myself I didn't really want what I had by then either.

I wanted the girl and nobody and nothing else.

My time with SS Introductions had run its course.

I knew what I was, and that I could switch with the proper motivation.

I wasn't ashamed of anything I'd done and I wasn't likely to go back to anonymous 'vanilla' sex now that I was no longer a member of the club.

So I told Gary that the only reason I was cancelling was because I was moving west, to be nearer my family.

"How far west?" he asked.

"Forks, Washington," I told him sadly. I still didn't want to go.

"You know we're national, right?" he told me.

No, I most certainly did fucking not! "What are you saying?" I asked, my excitement ramping up so fast I began to shake where I stood.

"I'm saying you don't have to resign your membership because you're moving to Washington. We've got an office in Seattle. I can transfer your file to that office, it'll probably beat you there," he told me efficiently.

Holy. Shit.

I didn't need to give up the lifestyle!

Why I hadn't thought of it before I still don't know. But the relief I felt when he said it was no problem to transfer my membership made me weak at the knees. He told me that someone from the Western office would call my cell and that I'd be introduced to a new saviour as soon as I was ready to.

I could be near the family AND continue my little hobby.

I hung up happier than I'd been in weeks. Months. Maybe years.

I was packed and ready to go when Carlisle arrived that afternoon in another hire car. He seemed please with me, though he said almost nothing while we locked up the wreck that was our home.

I hadn't cleaned or fixed anything since our last fight but he didn't blink an eye. He simply helped me load my three bags into the trunk of the car and then he drove us to the airport.

He had only one ticket for himself for the return trip and my stomach clenched at the thought that he was prepared, and likely resigned, to the fact that I wasn't likely to come of my own accord.

He couldn't know how happy I was to be going with him. He couldn't know that I had no intention of stopping what I was doing. He had no idea that I'd continue my indulgences.

We sat in total silence, as strangers would, on the flight. We collected my luggage from the carousel and collected his car from the short term parking bay and drove in silence all the way to what was going to be my new home.

I took notice of the sights and sounds as we drove. It was a dark, dreary place, was Forks. It was also tiny. One main street with the regulation shops and businesses on either side. Ordinary humans going about their business as we drove through it and out the other side and further into the forest.

Six miles from the town he turned off the main road and began a short journey along an unsealed road. This was usual for us. We lived in civilisation but we lived on its outskirts. Safer that way.

Half a mile along this dirt road he pulled to the shoulder and turned the engine off. He wanted a word before I saw everyone. I was okay with that so turned in the passenger seat to face him.

"I want you to remember something before I take you home. We like it here. The locals have accepted us and we've built a solid reputation. We might even be able to stay here longer than usual. But, if you ruin that for us this will be the last move you make with us, are we clear?"

I nodded but said nothing. I wasn't planning on making any trouble for anyone. I just wanted to live my life.

He restarted the engine and took me home.

Esme sobbed into my chest as I held her for the first time in three years. Alice flew down the internal stairs and flung herself at me as soon as Esme had let me go. Even Rose hugged me tight. Emmett noogied my head and Jasper held my hand for a good length of time as we shook.

I was asked endless questions about whether or not I'd found the girl and found it difficult to tell them that I hadn't. It was obvious that Carlisle hadn't told them she was my singer because they reacted quite normally. They were sorry I hadn't located her but were eager for me to return to normal family life.

I was shown to what was going to be my room and I really did like it. It was way up on the third floor and it had full length, floor to ceiling windows that made up the back wall with a view out across the lawn towards a river.

I was given the grand tour of everything else and was presented with a brand new baby grand piano that stood on a small plinth in the dining room.

They'd gone to considerable trouble to make sure I was comfortable and I was grateful, and told them so.

Once I'd unpacked I called them all into the living room and told them I needed to tell them about why I had done the things I'd done in Maine. I needed to be honest and make them understand it all so that Carlisle could let go of his anger towards me and also so they would stop thinking of me as a disgusting pervert.

Esme was shocked and took the longest to understand. She couldn't wrap her head around why someone like me could endure being treated badly by someone and then accept their love and attention afterward as a reward.

To her I had a form of battered wife syndrome, as she put it. She thought I tolerated the beating and the indifference and excused it because of the aftercare. I did my best to set her straight, to make her see that it wasn't like that.

I still don't know, today, if she truly understands.

The others took it better. Jasper understood immediately. He had a sensitive nature and was very in tune to what people thought and felt, vampire and human alike.

Emmett just thought it was funny. He thought everything was funny. But he'd never judge me, or anyone, so he was onboard with what I was trying to tell him from the off. He didn't get it, but he didn't need to. If it had made me happy then he was good with it.

Rose was appalled. She'd been beaten and raped and that had led to Carlisle and I finding her and changing her. She couldn't, and wouldn't, see the difference but she too told me that if it had made me happy she wasn't going to judge.

Alice knew me best of any of them and she echoed what she'd always said to me during our telephone conversations. I had to do what I had to do to make myself happy. That was it. If I wanted it I should have it. But now that I'd ended my search I should just return to the life I'd had before the whole experience.

Carlisle said nothing. He listened and his posture towards me changed in the hours it took for me to put voice to everything I needed to say, but he never spoke or gave me his opinion. Even after the others had come to understand he said nothing.

When I was done talking Alice stood and welcomed me home again. She told me she was proud of the fact that I'd done everything I could to find the girl, that she was sorry it hadn't worked out the way I'd hoped and that she was glad I was home now and could settle back into a normal way of life.

When the others went back to their various pursuits for what was left of the evening Esme hugged me and told me to give it some time with my father. She told me he was so very worried about me but that now I was home and I'd given all that silliness up he'd come round.

They each used the past tense; they'd all said that it 'had' made me happy.

They thought that because I'd consented to being dragged home by Carlisle that I'd given up the search, and the lifestyle. It became clear that they didn't understand and they never would.

I'd put that right, I had to. I had to make them see that I couldn't let it go.

I should've done it then. I should've told them that I wasn't giving anything up. Quite the opposite. I should've had the balls to make myself clear, whatever the reaction was going to be, but I didn't want to break the tentative truce we had going on.

I wanted to be happy to be with them again and I wanted them happy that I'd come of my own free will.

I was home.

Still alone, but back in the bosom of my family.

It took exactly thirty seven hours for me to fuck it up.

A new record.

A personal best.

At the time I didn't think the family would really care, because I'd made them understand as best they could that I was a submissive, and sometimes dominant, but care they did. I don't know why I thought they'd be disappointed but ultimately accepting of my choice. They'd listened to me so intently and I know that each of them had tried their best to make sense of what I was telling them. I really did think they'd accept it eventually.

Twenty hours after I'd spilled my guts to the family I got a call from the receptionist at SS Introductions, Seattle. Could I come for a quick 'meet and greet' the following day? Of course I could. I had to bring my ID again, and something to prove my new address in the area and I'd need to fill out a supplementary form to confirm my intention to move my membership across states. I could do that too.

I told Libby – my new Angel – that I had the time to come then and there and she told me that would be fine. I snatched the keys from the counter (I had the use of Emmett's car until my Volvo could be shipped west) and told Esme I'd be back later that evening. It was two hours drive each way to Seattle.

She didn't ask where I was going and I didn't offer the information.

The office in the west was no different from the one in the east; just the people there had changed. Libby was as coolly efficient as Angel had been and after I'd handed over my identity documents and signed the confirmation to transfer form I was shown into the office of my new 'match maker'.

He wasn't in it and I was thankful. I sat in the uncomfortable office chair across from the plush leather high backed one that Jackson Messop was about to sit down in.

That's right. My match maker in Washington was Jackson Messop. THE Jackson Messop. I'd found the fucker! Sure, it was chance, but then I figured it was always going to be chance that put us in the same room.

Now that I was finally going to be face to face with him I couldn't think of a single thing I wanted, or needed, to ask him.

I'd found his club, I was already a member. I had access to other members. All the things I'd needed to find him for before were now mine. But I was still eager to see the bastard in the flesh.

He was a native and he was fucking huge! Bigger than Roid-Boy had been in the private room and bigger again than Mark. He shook my hand and told me to call him Jake, everyone did, and then he put my folder on the desk exactly the same way Gary had in Maine.

He walked me through the payment schedule and gave me the new banking details. He told me about the law in Washington and how it differed from Maine. He reiterated the rules of my membership and handed me a new card and ID number. He gave me the address and directions to a club with a private room in Port Angeles and a copper key to gain entry to it.

There was an apartment two streets over from this new club that could be used as 6C had in Maine and he gave me directions to that too.

He told me my new saviours name was Felix and that he'd contact me soon.

I had a chance to question him and I didn't. Not at that meeting anyway. I'd get the opportunity again but at that first meeting I couldn't think of a thing to ask.

I shook his hand and left with my new card and key.

When I got home Carlisle was waiting for me in his study. He called for me while I was still in the driveway. He didn't sound happy.

I told Esme hello as I went into the house but she couldn't quite meet my eyes.

I found out why when I was sat facing Carlisle at his desk.

"You signed up with another club?" he asked matter of factly.

I was stunned. How did he know? I hadn't told anyone, not even Alice.

"Same club, different branch," I told him honestly.

He sighed and sat back further in his seat before speaking. But when he did it cut me to the bone. "You have one hour to pack. Anything you leave behind you forfeit."

To say I was shocked is an understatement. I was fucking gutted.

All the explaining I'd done had meant nothing. He didn't understand and he didn't want to. Even with the knowledge that it was no longer about finding the girl he didn't want to understand that I was a submissive and that I liked my lifestyle.

"Is this just from you or all of them?" I asked as I got to my feet.

"Mainly me but the others don't see any other way to make you stop this behaviour and have agreed to let me deal with you," he told me coldly.

"I see," I said venomously. "A majority vote, very democratic of you." I shuffled towards the door a little. "Just for my information, is it the type of sex I enjoy having or the anonymity of it that disgusts you?"

He ignored the question wholly, but gave me his reasoning as he saw it, "This is a close-knit community, Edward. We can't have you sleeping with the women in this town then discarding them. We'll be run out of town."

So not just the sex then, it was public perception. He'd forsaken me, my needs and my agony over trying to find my singer for the sake of what the neighbours would think.

I went to the doorway but turned before leaving the room fully. "How did you know, just for interest's sake?"

"Jasper followed you to Seattle. You had him search hard enough for Messop before, so once he connected the owner of the building you went into today to the name it was easy to work out why you were meeting with him," he told me simply.

I grunted my reply and left the room.

The line in the sand had been drawn.

Either I denied my true self or my time as a Cullen had come to its end.

* * *

**A/N: Thank you for reading. **

**Getting quite complicated now, but closer to resolution too. **

**Please review. **


	13. Chapter 13

I left Carlisle in his study and went up to a room I'd only just begun to call my own and sat down on the edge of the bed. I put my head into my hands and thought about what it would be like to truly lose my family.

Could I see myself in another hundred years alone, without them? Could I live without knowing they were well, happy? Did I no longer wish to be a Cullen?

Whilst it was true that I'd come west knowing I'd never find my singer I hadn't given up my wish to continue with my sex life exactly as I had in Maine. Could I give it up? Could I go back to seeing those drab girl next door types? Should I have to?

Could I spend the rest of my life unfulfilled if I didn't at least try to return to the 'acceptable' sexlife my family insisted I pursue?

Were they right? Was I as alone now as I'd ever been? Even when enjoying myself in the arena I still came away alone at the end of each encounter.

I didn't think that was so but I also didn't want to lose my family. The three years I'd spent apart from them I had always had the thought in the back of my mind that it wasn't permanent. I could join them whenever I wanted to. Carlisle's insistence, and the subsequent threats, had come at a time I'd least expected them, sure. But I had come to Washington willingly and that had everything to do with my failure to find the girl and not wanting to be apart from my family any longer.

With my mind made up I leapt off the bed, snatched my cell from the dresser top and went right back into Carlisle's study.

He looked up, obviously surprised to see me there. "You have something to say?" he asked.

"Not exactly," I told him as I dialled my cell. When Libby answered I announced myself then hit speaker and put the device on the desk in front of my father and sire.

"What can I do for you Mr Cullen?" she asked.

"I want to cancel my membership. Today. Right now," I told her as I watched Carlisle's face take on a shocked expression.

"But you were just here," she protested, confused.

"I realise that, and I'm sorry for not telling you at my interview, but I've changed my mind. I don't want the membership."

"Oh, all right then. Well, I'll send you the forms. If you fill them out and get them back to me I'll take your name off the books. I'll send a return envelope so you can return your card and key as well," she told me efficiently.

"Thank you, I'll expect them in the post," I replied then disconnected the call. I snatched up the phone and slid it into my pants pocket and turned toward the study door for the second time that day. "Any of my other behaviours you don't approve of?" I asked my gobsmacked father. He shook his head and just stared at me. "Good. I'll be upstairs if anyone wants me." And with that I went back up to my room.

So I stayed a Cullen and I stayed in the house with my family. It was awkward and tense and even though the girls absorbed me back into the family as though nothing had ever happened it was strained between my father and brothers and I.

I didn't know if I'd ever have the same relationship I'd had with them before the meeting with the girl, and if I could I didn't know how to bring it about, but hoped that time would heal the wounds, as the saying went.

I went about my business as I had before I met her and I tried as best I could to be who I was before I'd met her too. Whether I fooled anyone I'm still not sure, but I did my best.

Esme fussed over me, the girls included me and the boys ran with me through the forest just as we had always done.

But I was in agony.

Lost and alone and bitter.

I resented the hell out of Carlisle for curbing the side of my nature that he found distasteful. I hated him for effectively taking from me the first thing in a century that made me happy.

And then he added to the resentment by setting me up on a blind date with the daughter of another surgeon colleague. She was twenty-three, 'a lovely girl' by his account and studying to become a doctor herself. He felt that we'd have a lot in common because I too had a medical degree. He probably thought that I just had to meet a nice girl and I'd see just how easily I could slide into the same life he had.

I agreed to go on the date for one reason only. To attempt to prove to myself that I could be normal again.

She was quite lovely, and the bar we met at though very small townish was nice enough too. The conversation flowed wonderfully and she was sweet and charming. She was the exact type of girl I used to target. She was shy and self deprecating and she was loyal and smart. She flirted with me all the time we sat in the little booth with our ridiculous cocktails and she touched me as any other interested girl would have when it came time for me to take her home at the end of the date. She even kissed me softly before going indoors.

I left her at the door and made my way home more despondent than I think I'd ever felt. It wasn't right. I wasn't right. I was a fake and trying to be what I couldn't be was starting to feel like it might not be worth having a family for.

I did as Carlisle had done that first drive into the forest and I pulled over to the hard shoulder and just sat, staring into the abyss.

How had I gotten there? How had it all gone so wrong? Why hadn't I just stayed that night, changed her –with or without her permission – and dealt with the consequences later?

Why couldn't I have what I wanted, do what I wanted? Who exactly was I hurting? Carlisle had said on more than one occasion that it hurt him to know that I was having meaningless sex, but how was dating a girl I had no interest in any better?

Carlisle was eager to hear the details of how the date had gone when I arrived home, and I did my best to make it sound as though we'd had a fantastic time. It was the first time in more than three years that he showed any sort of interest in me and how my life was going. So I told him what I thought he wanted to hear.

I told him she was lovely, quite interesting and that we'd had a nice time. I didn't go over the top, I wasn't an actor and I knew I couldn't pull off too much false enthusiasm, but he smiled and nodded as I told him where we'd gone and what we'd done. Which wasn't much.

He asked if I was going to see her again and I couldn't tell him no. I just couldn't. He was desperate to see me settled and with a mate of my own, so I lied. I lied to his face.

I called her from the depths of the forest during my hunt the next day and asked her out again. She seemed pleased. I ran home and did my best not to show just how hopeless I felt.

And that's how the next eight months went, dear reader. I found myself in a relationship with a girl I didn't particularly like, nor want sexually, all to appease the delicate constitutions of my family.

Alice took to Jessica – she, quite insipidly insisted I call her Jessy in private, which made my skin crawl – right away and they became firm friends.

Esme doted on her and the boys accepted her because the girls had. I thought a few times over those months that Jasper wasn't buying the bullshit I was selling, but he never uttered a word, so I kept my mouth shut too.

It was true, what Carlisle had said. The family had a nice life here. Forks was a nice, quiet town with nice, amenable locals who seemed to care for each other and who had adopted my family easily. But it wasn't for me.

I didn't want a nice, quiet life. Or, I did, during the daylight hours. But at night I wanted an arrogant, cold vixen to tie me up and insist I fuck her!

On our second date – the arrangement of which had Carlisle beaming like an idiot – I took Jessica to a club in Port Angeles. Nothing seedy and certainly nothing like the one I knew was there but oh so close and out of reach, but modern and well suited to her age group. It was quite a popular place and drew a considerable crowd. She seemed pleased.

We found a table and I got us some drinks. We talked, we danced, and it was a perfectly nice date. Nice. I didn't want nice. I want mind blowing; I wanted earth shattering, life changing. I wanted more.

That night when I took her home to her little apartment just back from the main street of town she kissed me harder, and I kissed her back, determined to at least try.

It was nice. I fucking hated nice!

She told me that her study schedule meant she could only see me on alternative nights, so that at least left me every other night to lie on my bed and get my head in the game before I had to be her date the next night.

On our third date she put her tongue in my mouth when I took her home and on the fifth date she asked me in for coffee. I went inside. We kissed on her sofa in her apartment and then I went home. On the sixth she pulled me inside and kissed me where we stood with the front door still open behind us. She pushed herself up against my chest and held onto me tight. I went with it but she wasn't willing to let it go at that so she put my left hand on her breast. I did what I thought she wanted and massaged it carefully. She groaned into my open mouth and when she broke the kiss I told her I had to go and that I'd call her the next morning.

Not once did I get hard. Not once did I feel the tingle on my skin that I felt with my doms, or even when I was being the dominant myself. Nothing. It didn't excite me. I caught myself a few times wishing she'd let me tie her up, or that she'd tell me to get on my knees. Slap me. Bind me. Intimidate me, anything other than continuing with the perfectly nice kisses we were sharing. But she never did and I went home every night and wished that she had.

We followed this pattern a couple more times and each time it ended with me telling her I had to go home and she telling me she couldn't wait to see me again. I'd go home and report that the date had gone well, Carlisle would congratulate me and I'd go upstairs to my room and lie staring at the ceiling for the rest of the night.

After a couple of weeks of this I was about ready to call the whole thing off. It wasn't fair to her. I couldn't give her what she wanted and she couldn't be what I needed her to be. She deserved more. She was nice – fuck I hated that word – and she deserved someone who would be happy to just be nice with her, to her, for her. That wasn't going to be me.

I planned to tell her this when I took her home after our movie date. I didn't know what I was going to tell the family, but I knew I had to tell Jessica that I couldn't see her anymore. I'd deal with the family later.

I let her lead me inside and I let her make me a coffee that I'd never drink and then I took her hands into mine as we sat next to each other on the sofa. I opened my mouth to say the words and then she jumped me!

Right there on her sofa!

She threw herself at me and once I was prone she ground herself down onto me. She kissed me hard. She writhed and rubbed herself on me. She moaned into my mouth and when I tried to untangle myself from her she changed tack.

She got off me and lay back onto the sofa herself and then she pulled me, using my shirt, until I was lying on top of her. I couldn't be pulled down on to her if I didn't want to be, she'd never be strong enough to manhandle me, but by this stage I was starting to feel the first stirrings of arousal, so I let her pull me to her.

She threaded her fingers through the hair at the back of my neck and then she pulled, hard. And that's what happened to me. I got hard. My first full erection since I'd left Maine. The rougher she got, the more insistent she was that we do it, the harder I got. The fucking shame of it was that it wasn't her that was making me hard. It was thinking about my hair being pulled by a dominant that did it.

I managed to have sex that night, but it wasn't easy and it wasn't fulfilling for me at all. I did what I thought she wanted me to do and said what I thought she wanted to hear, but my head and heart weren't in it. Sure, I acquitted myself admirably for a guy who spent the whole experience with his eyes closed dreaming about black leather whips and being trussed up like a chicken. But I didn't feel half the bliss she seemed to feel when it was over and none of the lightheaded euphoria I felt after sex with a dominant.

She asked me to stay the night but I just couldn't. I begged off citing an early start for work the next morning and had to make up a profession on the spot. I told her I taught piano at a private school in Port Angeles and she didn't question it. She said she had a lecture early the next morning anyway and we agreed that I wouldn't stay.

I didn't want to stay once it was over anyway. I wanted out of there as fast as I could manage without being rude, just like I did every time I'd slept with a woman before I joined the club.

I tried though, I really did. I wanted it to be good for her, and for me. I wanted what she was offering. The chance at a normal life, a normal loving relationship, but there was nothing there for me. The cuddling felt forced, at least on my end, and when I kissed her goodnight and I got out of there it was like breathing clean air after six weeks on a submarine as I went out the front door.

It hadn't been horrible, but nice was just as bad as far as I was concerned.

When I arrived home that night smelling of sex and Jessica, Carlisle was ecstatic. Esme was beside herself she was so pleased for me. My sisters gave me a good natured ribbing but the boys; they boys knew something wasn't right. They congratulated me just like the others did, but it wasn't as heartfelt.

They never asked, and I never said, but I got the feeling they knew I was full of shit.

So for the next eight months that's how my life was. I told Jessica more lies in those eight months than I'd told to anyone my entire existence. I was a consummate liar, we all were, we all had to be, but to that girl I told the most horrific lies.

I had sex with her regularly and the only way I could perform was to shut my eyes once I'd entered her and fantasise about her being a dominant. I had to trick myself into even getting an erection. I made that girl think I was playing hard to get. I made her believe that I respected her too much to expect sex after a date. I made her think I was reluctant. I played her, every time, and every time she fell for it. Every time she'd do her best to talk me into it. She'd tease me and when that wouldn't work she'd almost insist and then I'd get aroused. But it wasn't until she'd pulled my hair or showed some force that I could get hard enough to perform.

And a performance it was. From start to finish. I was a fake and a liar and I hated myself.

But I hated Carlisle more.

It was Christmas Eve when it all came undone. The girls insisted I go with them to a mall in Port Angeles to shop for last minute Christmas presents and I reluctantly went along with it. I wasn't ever one to like the Christmas break, well not since being turned anyway; they all seemed to meld into one. We did the same things, we could never have a proper Christmas meal and the presents had gotten stale and old. There wasn't anything you could buy someone who had unlimited funds of their own.

But I went with the girls because it made them happy. That's what my life had become. An endless bore of making others happy and never myself.

We split up and the girls went one way, I went the other. I bought a few trinkets for the girls and a few joke gifts for the boys and met the girls at the designated spot at the correct time. They had bags and bags of things, as they always did, and asked if I was done. I told them I was and as we were walking back towards where we'd parked the car Alice asked the question. THE question.

She'd seen me going into a jewellery store. They'd only been a few paces behind me when I'd gone in. But I went in there to buy a charm for Esme's bracelet, not any secret piece for Jessica. But Alice assumed that I had.

So as we walked toward the parking lot she asked the question. Was I going to propose to Jessica on Christmas day?

Rose propped and stopped where she stood and just stared at me. Alice was grinning from ear to ear, probably thinking the shocked look on my face was because I'd been caught buying the ring. I didn't know and I didn't stop to think about it. I just reacted. I didn't respond, I reacted, and for the first time in decades I lost control in a shopping mall filled with humans.

I dropped my bags at my feet, slid into a crouch and hissed at my sister. I snapped out of it pretty fast, realised what I'd done and what my reaction had probably looked like to the humans and decided my best option was to run. So that's what I did.

I hoofed it out of the mall, through the parking lot, across four lanes of traffic and into the forest that bordered the small city.

I ran and I ran and then I ran some more. In no particular direction. With no thought other than to get far enough away from the words Alice had spoken.

Propose. Christmas day. Ring. Jessica.

That couldn't be what they saw, could it? Didn't they see how unhappy I was? Didn't they see the lies, the bitterness, and the resentment? Didn't they see that I was pretending? Why couldn't they see it? Didn't they know me well enough, even after a hundred years together as a family, why didn't they know that I was dying inside?

And I was. As I ran I came to realise that I was dying. Not a physical death, but an emotional one. I was hollow and I was living a lie. A bigger lie than the one I'd been living before joining the club.

This lie was killing me.

I sat in the long grass in a field for the rest of the day just turning the events of the past few years over in my mind. It couldn't all be for nothing. The pain I felt now couldn't have been in vain. I had no problem suffering, I suffered with my thirst every hour of everyday that I existed, I knew how to deal with suffering. What I couldn't deal with was needless pain and anguish. And it was needless. I didn't want the life I had. I didn't want Jessica. I didn't want to live with a family who couldn't tell when I was unhappy. I didn't want to live with a family who made me suppress something that was a fundamental piece of my personality. I didn't want to live a life of settling for something I didn't truly want. I didn't want to live the lie anymore.

I took my cell out of my pocket, discarded the twenty missed calls and texts from a frantic Alice, and dialled the organisation. When Libby answered I told her I needed to speak to Jackson. She asked me to hold then told me he couldn't take my call. I told her that if he didn't I was coming to the office.

My voice must have sounded just menacing enough because she put me right through to the bastard then. He answered warily.

"I know you run the East Coast branch of this organisation as well as here in the west and I need to find a member from Maine," I told him abruptly.

He choked on whatever he'd been drinking and told me that was impossible. I told him no, nothing was impossible. He reminded me I wasn't a member anymore and that I only had the protection of the organisation – should anything have gone wrong while I'd been a member – whilst I was a current, paid up member myself. I told him to shut up about liability and confidentiality and to just listen. I told him that a girl I'd met before I'd become a member had picked me up in a bar and I needed to find her. I told him that I knew she was a member because she'd taken me to 6C and she'd had a key, just like mine.

He told me that could be any number of girls and that without a name he couldn't help me. He told me that it was against the rules – that I'd signed myself – for him to give out personal information about another member without their authorisation.

I told him I didn't give a shit about his rules and he'd better start helping me find her because if he didn't nobody was ever going to find him. Ever.

He hung up!

He fucking hung up on me!

Okay. I'd threatened him so he was probably right to hang up on me but I was in no mood to be genial.

I didn't bother calling back I just ran towards Seattle. I could run all day and all night, and for as many days as I liked and I'd never tire. I barged my way into that office building then ignored Libby's pleas for me to please take a seat and she'd get someone to see me. I stalked right down that hall and right into Jackson Fucking Messop's office and when I was inside I pulled him to his feet using the lapels on his shirt.

I told him he had no choice but to help me find her and that if he didn't crack open a database in the following ten seconds the parts they did find of him would be unidentifiable.

He chose the smart option and once I'd let him go he sat back down and clicked on the Maine database of registered members. He swung the monitor around so that I could see it and then he pointed to it with a shaking finger.

"That's everyone registered," he said shakily.

"I don't know her name. Where are their personal details?"

He clicked another folder and then I was looking at the statistical data from every match up that had taken place in the last year.

"Not what I wanted," I barked and he began to shake a little more. "I want descriptions. What they look like."

He clicked yet another folder and pulled up a list of options, like the ones I'd chosen from on my original questionnaire. I scrolled down the list but nothing jumped out at me. This could quite possibly have been a terrible mistake. Maybe he couldn't help me without a name?

"How do I filter out what I don't want?" I asked, remembering how Jasper had done that when we were researching on the net.

"You click on the columns you want to keep in the search. Just tick the boxes you do want and then click refresh," he whispered.

I ticked brunette, over five feet nine, brown eyes, dominant and then adjusted the date range to suit the timeframe from that first meeting. I clicked refresh and came up with four names.

I scribbled them down on a scrap of paper and told Jake to sit quietly while I called them in turn. The first one's voice was too deep. The second one sounded just wrong. The third one was Lilly and the fourth one said she'd only joined up as a joke and had never had an actual match up.

"She's not here. What am I missing?" I hissed at him over the desktop.

He shrugged and said that without a name it was virtually impossible.

"I know she's a member!" I roared, startling him and making his face turn puce.

"May...maybe...maybe if you describe her to me?" he stuttered.

It was worth a try but it was dependant on him being the one to conduct her membership interview, but I had no other avenues to try, I was out of ideas and now that I'd threatened him I'd never be able to get my membership back and keep searching for her. I had nothing else to lose.

"Tall, five ten or eleven. Long, dark, straight hair. She was sleek, like a cat. Tiny hips and waist. She was about twenty-two, maybe twenty-three, but no older. She didn't want me to touch her, at all, and she bound me with plain white cord. Wrists, ankles and throat. She used a metal karabiner and she called me darlin when it was over." It was all the information I could give him and it felt like nothing at all as I listed it. I could've been describing anyone.

He stared at me as though he was thinking hard and I remember hoping that he was because god himself didn't know what I was going to do to him if he couldn't help me find that girl.

"She called you darlin?" he asked cautiously. I nodded. When he spoke next it was quietly, as though he was more scared of what my answer was going to be than asking the question. "Did you see her car?" he asked.

"Sorry?" I asked more because I couldn't work out why that would be helpful and not because I hadn't heard him clearly. After all I could hear Libby in the hall pacing because I was locked in the boss's office and I was shouting.

If I'd had her cars registration I'd have found her easily, so why he was asking that was beyond me.

"Did you see what type of car she drove?" he asked again. Ah, make and model, not registration. It was worth a shot.

He was sweating now and his heart was racing. He was terrified. "Subaru Forrester," I told him, "A red one."

When I looked back at him he was near tears. I let him be for a moment while I tried to work out what my next move was going to be now that this turned out to be another dead end. He swallowed hard, wiped his nose then pulled a folder from his desk drawer. He slid it across the desk. "Is this the girl?' he asked as I opened it.

And there she was. My girl. That girl. THE girl. After nearly four years I'd found her. After all the agony and longing, all the suffering and loneliness I'd found her.

I didn't need to tell him it was her because I was sobbing. No tears but great big, hacking sobs from deep in my chest. I'd found her. I'd never felt anything like it. Relief. Longing. Excitement and success all at once.

I stared at her picture for the longest time. Every facial feature I knew by heart and they were all there in her smiling face in the photo. Long dark lashes and long dark hair. Those brows arched with confidence and a hint of arrogance. Sparkling eyes and ruby lips. It was her.

At the top of the page were all her details and her name. Isabella Marie Swan. She was twenty-two, was employed as a copy writer at a Washington newspaper and lived in Port Angeles. Make, model and registration of her car. He even had her social security number.

Port Angeles? How could that be? I'd met her in Maine.

"Who is she?" I asked so loudly his eyes all but popped out of his head. "Who is she and why does her profile have a picture? I never had my picture taken when I applied. Why do you know her vehicle registration, you never asked for mine. You never asked my occupation, why is hers listed? Why do you know her social security number? Who the fuck is she and why was she in Maine?"

The questions flew out of my mouth so fast he blinked rapidly as he tried to digest them. He put his hands up in a show of surrender and then whispered, "She's my sister, and she's dead."

* * *

**A/N: I am aware that I have just left you with an horrific cliffy, but I make no apologies for it. :P**

**I have the next chapter ready to go, so I won't keep you waiting long. **

**I'd like to reiterate one or two things for those struggling with the 'traits' of these Cullens. **

**1. Alice can't 'see' squat. **

**2. Edward can't read minds. **

**3. Jasper isn't an empath. **

**4. The Volturi don't exist and they never will in any of my books. They scare me, lol.**

**5. In Australia, where I live, love and breathe, Jake is short for Jackson, sometimes. **

**6. No dogs allowed in this story.**

**Thank you for reading.**

**Please review. **


	14. Chapter 14

All I remember from the few minutes after he told me she was dead was the agony in my chest. I sat and stared at the picture in the folder and I could see the life in her eyes. It couldn't be true. I couldn't have searched for so long only to find out she'd perished. It wasn't true. It couldn't be. Wouldn't I feel it if she was dead? Wouldn't I know, on some cellular level that my singer was gone?

My sins were many and varied but I didn't deserve that. Why put my singer in my path and then take her from me before I had a chance to know her?

"How?" I asked the now steadily crying Messop.

"Nearly two years ago. On a match up. Suffocation," he said bleakly as he rubbed at his eyes.

"And the man who did it?" I hissed.

"Dead too."

"How?" I asked with barely concealed rage.

"Car accident, eleven months ago."

"Lucky for him," I muttered.

I felt bad for the guy now. He hadn't done anything wrong. He hadn't kept her from me; he'd never known I was searching for her, or for him. He'd lost his sister and I'd terrified him. My loss was considerable, but his was too.

"I'm so sorry for your loss," I told him sincerely. I'd deal with my own loss in my own time, but his loss was palpable as he sniffed and swallowed hard. "How is her name Swan and yours Messop?" I asked. I needed to know now. I needed to know how and why I'd met her in Maine when she'd lived here the whole time. I had to make some sense of it all and I had to know that had I come west with the family when they'd first come that the chances of meeting her again were still not good. i needed to know that despite all the searching I'd done it was still just luck in the end. I couldn't deal with anything else until I knew all I could about her.

"Her father's name is Swan, mine was Messop. My mother married her father when Bella –she liked to be called Bella - was twelve and I was fifteen. We're step brother and sister. We were. I mean, we were step brother and sister," he said quietly.

"Why was she in Maine?" I asked.

"Visiting me," he replied. "I go out there once or twice a year and check on things. Meet new staff at the club, authorise renovations on the apartment, show my face in the office so nobody gets complacent, that sort of thing."

It made sense. It was an extensive business and I remembered Gary telling me that there were offices all over the States, so it made sense that he'd travel to the other offices now and then. And why wouldn't his sister go there to visit him? She could hook up anywhere she was at the time, just like anyone else could. And she had.

"Why is there a picture on her profile, but not on anyone else's?" I asked simply because I wanted to know the answer.

He balked then. His answer was either going to be a lie or it was something he didn't want to discuss. I tilted my head to one side so he'd see that I was waiting for an answer. His heart rate rose a little as he replied, "She helped me build the business but she wanted to be a journalist so she stepped aside when it really took off. None of the staff would've known her if she turned up at another office. I made sure each office had her picture so that when she did want a match up in a new town or state they knew she was important and didn't make her jump through hoops."

I couldn't prove his answer was a lie but I wasn't wholly convinced it was the truth either.

He seemed unhappy that she was a member. I don't know what gave me that impression, and it seemed an odd time to think it, but it was there anyway. I know I'd be unhappy if I was running a matching service for the seedier side of the sex trade and my own sister was a member.

And then I wondered if it mattered anymore now that she was gone?

I pulled the photo off the top page of her folder and slid the rest back across the desk. "I want to keep this," I told him. He nodded but I hadn't asked his permission. As her brother he'd have others. I took the front page of her profile too. He didn't try to stop me. He was still quite obviously grieving and I needed to leave so that I could begin that for myself. "I'm sorry I barged in here and scared you today. I didn't mean to but I've been looking for her for nearly four years. I was desperate."

He waved his hand and told me not to worry about it. It was a fucking odd reaction to being manhandled in your own office, in your own building by a guy you'd only met once who you knew was capable of beating women for fun.

I reached across the desk and offered him my hand. When he shook it I knew something was off. His palms were sweaty, clammy, and his heart was racing. His pupils weren't dilated though. The fear response made a humans pupils dilate. He wasn't scared. He was hiding something.

At the time I put it down to our interactions. He'd lost his sister. I'd just threatened him. And I was nothing and nobody to him. Just a client. Whatever he was hiding was obviously none of my business. And rightly so if it involved his lost sister. I had no claim to her that he knew about and I couldn't explain to him why she'd been so important to me. So I stood and made to leave.

"Send me an invoice for your shirt," I told him. "I really am sorry for your loss. She was a lovely girl, I liked her very much."

He said nothing and I left. I apologised to Libby as I went past the reception desk and she accepted hesitantly. I wasn't likely to ever see her again so left it at that and went down the stairs and out into the street.

I crossed the street and headed back the same way I'd come into the city. When I hit the forest I began to run and to try and work out what I was going to do now.

I had nowhere to go, nowhere to run to. I couldn't return to my life knowing she was gone. There was nothing to return to. My family didn't want me, not as I was. I didn't want Jessica. I didn't want to settle.

Knowing she was gone wasn't nearly as bad as searching for her and not finding her. While I searched I had a hope of finding her. There was no hope now. Not for me.

I stopped just outside of Port Angeles and took the picture from my pocket. I stared at it a long time. I closed my eyes and brought the scent of her blood forward into my mind. So clear. So crisp. It would be my one true torture for the rest of my life, being able to recall it at will. But I'd do it over and over; I knew I would, just to remember that she'd been real.

And she had been real. Cold and arrogant and real. But she'd cared for me. She'd been the first one since my own biological mother had done it for me as a small child. She'd been gentle and sweet and she'd changed my whole life.

The search had made me question myself so many times. Had I imagined her? Had her blood really called to me the way I thought it had? Had she really been that caring to me afterwards? Was I just remembering it that way because my brain needed me to?

No. I had proof now. She was real and she had lived and I'd been so very lucky to have known her for even the short time I had. I had to hold onto that. I had to be thankful that she'd given me the gift she had. She'd woken something inside me that I hadn't known was dormant. She'd stirred me to find a life I could be happy living. She'd made me search for her and in turn I'd found what I'd been looking for all along. A place I fit. Somewhere I could be comfortable with who and what I was. And if I couldn't have her at least I'd lead a life of my own design.

She'd given me the same gift Carlisle had when he'd changed me. She'd given me a life worth living.

And by god I was going to live it now. I really was. I was going to take every opportunity that came my way and I was going to indulge every sense and every impulse I could. It was truer now than ever that I had nothing to lose.

I had everything to gain.

I slid the picture back into my pocket and ran the rest of the way home. Rose and Alice met me at the foot of the stairs by the backdoor and they immediately began to tell me how sorry they were for 'outing' my secret.

I shook my head and tried to work out what the fuck they were going on about.

"What?" I asked them when I couldn't make sense of it.

"The ring you bought," Alice said softly. "We're sorry we spoiled your surprise. We promise not to let on that we know you're going to propose tomorrow."

"Honest, we won't say anything. We'll pretend we don't know when you tell everyone else," Rose said by way of backing up Alice's statement.

And then I understood.

They thought I'd run away from them at the mall because they'd outed my big surprise. They honestly thought I was going to propose to Jessica. They were offering to keep the secret and let me reveal my good news in my own time.

My god. They didn't know me at all. None of them did.

I told my sisters I appreciated their pledge and then I went up to my bedroom to shower and change. I knew what I had to do now. I knew the direction I needed to go in. I didn't want to live here anymore. I didn't want to pretend anymore. I didn't want to try and be like my family. I wasn't one of them and I didn't want to be now that I could see how little they really cared about my wellbeing.

How could they be so pleased with the idea of me proposing marriage to a girl I hardly knew, didn't particularly like all that much and who was the total opposite to the girl I'd spent the last four years trying to find?

Why didn't they see me? The real me?

As I packed my duffel bag I ran through the plan I had forming in my head.

My first priority should be to the family, but as it stood I didn't really see that I owed them anything. They'd realise soon enough that I wasn't coming back. They'd work out that I wasn't happy when they bothered to work out for themselves why I left.

That would sort itself out in time.

I knew I was taking a risk leaving as I was, intending to do what I was. I knew that when Carlisle said he'd end me if I continued on this path that he meant it. But I also knew that living a lie wasn't living, it was its own kind of torturous death. I'd take the risk.

The next most important thing for me to do was to tell Jessica that I couldn't see her anymore. Yes. I owed her that. She'd never done anything wrong and she didn't deserve what I was about to do, but it was still the right thing to do.

I knew I'd face interrogation from those in the house if I left it with a duffel bag over my shoulder so when I was ready to leave I took a few seconds to run over the lie I was about to tell.

The girls were always going to be the easiest convinced. They already thought they knew what I was going to do, so it didn't take much to convince them that I was heading to Jessica's house to propose and was going to stay the night.

Esme too believed me easily. I'd never stayed overnight with Jessica before so she saw it as just another move in the direction of me settling down in a nice, healthy normal relationship.

The boys weren't quite as trusting of me but they seemed to take what I was telling them at face value and they let me leave without too much fuss.

Nobody questioned why I wasn't taking a vehicle. My Volvo had been delivered but I ignored it and ran down the drive on foot. I wasn't going to need a vehicle.

As I ran I went over how I was going to word my 'break up speech' to Jessica. I had it all down pat by the time I rang her doorbell and was disappointed when she didn't come to the door. I stood on her front porch and called her cell. She didn't answer that either, it went to voicemail, so I asked her to call me as soon as she got my message. It was important and I needed to see her as soon as she got out from her lecture.

There was nothing else I could do on the Jessica front so I headed for Port Angeles. I ran through the forest, with my duffel bag, and emerged into the commercial sector by way of the thick tree covered at the back of an industrial park. To any human I was just a guy down on his luck and walking along with everything he owned in his bag. The truth wasn't that far removed from the assumption either.

I checked into the closest hotel I could find near the nightclub I was planning to visit and once inside my room I unpacked the essentials.

I had only one change of clothes in the bag, the rest was everything I'd bought to indulge my dominant side that first time in Maine.

I set it all into place, showered and changed my clothes. I checked and rechecked my cell for messages from Jessica, but there were none. She was probably still in class.

I didn't want to do what I was about to do without first talking to Jessica so I just sat I the room and waited. And waited. By 8pm she still hadn't returned my call. It was Christmas Eve and I had been sure that she'd be at home preparing something for the following day as we'd arranged that we'd spend it together.

It wasn't our night to see each other, so she may have been busy with something else, but I had felt at least not certain but reasonably sure that she'd see me if I asked. I called her house and her cell phone once more then turned mine off once she hadn't answered.

I'd waited long enough. I'd tell her tomorrow. But that night was going to be for me. Purely for me. I needed what I was about to do like humans needed oxygen. I needed to feel something, anything that wasn't_ nice_. I was done with nice. Nice and I were no longer friends. Nice didn't satisfy me, didn't challenge me mentally or physically and I'd been a fool to think that it could.

I walked the two blocks to the nightclub and entered without being hassled by the bouncer. I looked the part. Jeans, button down shirt. Clean cut. No trouble. Just a guy.

The bar was the same, the bartender just as vacant, the music just as bad. The bouncer on the interior door – behind which I knew I would find a private room for club members – was just as big as they always were elsewhere. The women in the main club looked and behaved just like everywhere else. The men watched them with longing just like they did in every other club.

What was different this time was me.

This could very well be my last hurrah and I intended to make the most of it while I had the chance. Carlisle would come for me the instant he worked out that I wasn't coming home so I had to do this now.

I knew I wouldn't find what I was looking for in the nightclub part so I crossed the room, through the pulsing throng of humans dancing, and fronted the bouncer who stood, arms crossed, in front of the concealed door.

"Private party," he drawled, just as Hank had in Maine.

I had no time and no inclination to do this the polite way so I simply stepped closer to him, swiped my tongue across my teeth to bring on my venom, and then blew breath out over my teeth. The scent of it made humans pee their pants if I did it with enough animosity etched onto my face at the time. And the guy didn't disappoint.

"I'd like very much to walk by you and through that door," I nodded towards it as Wannabe Hank paled. "I don't want to hurt you, or anyone else, but I will if you don't step aside. And once I'm in there you're not going to alert anyone, raise any alarms or even blink until I come back out. If you do I'll take you with me when I leave and trust me, you won't like what I'll do to your body if you fuck me over."

He didn't hesitate and took one big step to his left, giving me a clear path through the door. It wasn't locked. I heard him blow his long held breath out once I'd gone through and had shut the door behind me. His heart was racing but he wasn't going to say squat to anyone.

Now that I was through the first door, and its 'Hank' obstacle, I expected to be confronted by another door. Or more. But this club wasn't set up that way. 'Hank' was it. The first and only line of defence. The private room spread out before me. I was already inside it.

It took me a second to realise what I was seeing but once I comprehended it I became pleased that I'd not needed to break any locks or hurt anyone to get in there.

Nobody cared too much that I'd come in. They probably assumed that if I was inside the private room I had shown my ID to 'Hank' and therefore was a member.

I moved into the room a little more and scanned it as I moved towards the bar at the far end. I slid onto a stool, motioned for the barman to hit me up then turned around and tried to spot a saviour.

This part of my plan was always going to be easy. Getting into the room was the hard part but that had proved easy too. So I kept the rest simple too. Find a submissive and fuck it.

I surveyed the room again and noted the positions of the obvious saviours. They didn't participate, they stood at the fringes of the room and watched. The players, in their various forms, were easy to categorise too. The subs were either on their knees in front of their doms or lounging in groups waiting for their doms. The dominants were either instructing their subs or talking to other doms about how best to do that.

The only thing in my way was the swirling cornucopia of scents in the room. If this was to be my last ever foray into this realm of debauchery and pleasure I wanted to experience it with my singers scent in my brain and not the aroused scent of a stranger.

So I called to my brain the memory of that scent and kept it at the forefront of my mind as I ran through the simplicity of my plan.

The only other obstacle was going to be the subs saviour. If he questioned me, or asked for my ID I was done for. In the end I stuck to my 'simple is better' approach.

I slid off the barstool and moved to the centre of the room. I whistled loudly and when I had everyone's attention I simply asked if anyone in it wanted to volunteer to be my sub for the night.

Simple.

And it worked.

A girl stood from her armchair and approached where I stood. She'd left behind her companions and stood right in front of me.

I can't tell you what she looked like because she was wearing a full face leather hood. I could only see her eyes and her lips, the two small holes where her nostrils would be and an acre of creamy white flesh at her throat between the bottom hem of the hood and the black leather catsuit she was sporting.

I didn't truly care who she was.

I wanted what she could do for me, and what she'd let me do to her.

"Saviour?" I asked firmly.

"I'll call him when we get there," she breathed out through the mouth hole of her hood.

She didn't care where I was going to take her, and neither did anyone else in the room. This wasn't the first time they'd seen this happen and it wasn't the first time I'd seen it done in a private room. Without an available match up for the evening there were often 'spares' who took their chances and tried to hook up in the club. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. That night it did.

The deal had been struck so everyone else returned to their conversations and personal perversions. Nobody took any notice of either of us again.

I pulled my favourite collar and its rope from my back pocket and she turned her back to me while I attached it. She didn't need instruction. She knew the score and I had a hard on from the second I snicked that collar closed around her throat.

I was stuck then. How the fuck were we going to get out of the place if there was no back door and no hall? 'Hank' stood in front of the only exit and beyond him was the general public.

"How?" I asked the girl. "This isn't my normal arena," I told her when she remained silent.

She understood immediately and pointed to the short hall where the restrooms were. I led her there and we slipped out through the door between the mens and womens bathrooms. We exited into a rear parking lot and I led her, via the back streets along the back of the other businesses, back to the hotel.

The only point at which we'd be seen was as we crossed the parking lot of the actual hotel. If anyone saw us they didn't raise a fuss so we slipped into my room unnoticed as far as I knew.

Once the door was locked behind us I asked her to stand in the middle of the room and call her saviour. I told her she'd be required for the entire night and she didn't argue.

I pretended to call my saviour while she spoke to hers. Really I called my voicemail and discarded a message from Alice wishing me luck for the big proposal.

When the girl ended her call I took her cell phone and put it with mine on the countertop in the tiny kitchenette.

I picked up the trailing end of the rope attached to the collar, pulled it taut then told her the evening's rules.

"You may call me Master; I don't wish to know your name. You will answer to me no matter what I call you. When I ask a question you may answer yes master or no master. You will vocalise your pleasure either with whole words or any other oral sound you choose to make. You will be punished if you deny me this. If I do not give you pleasure do not fake it. I'll know. You'll be punished, severely. You will not remove the hood until I tell you that you can. What is your safe word?"

"Chocolate," she answered calmly.

"Good. Use it at will. You will not be punished for using it. I swear this to you," I told her as I should as her dominant.

I gave a little tug on the rope in my hand and watched as she fought the falling sensation I'd induced. I smiled. Good. She had spunk. She was a submissive, but she wasn't subservient. I didn't want a slave, I wanted control. I wanted her to make me earn her obedience.

"Square your feet," I told her and watched until she had. I tugged the rope again and this time she stood fast. No swaying. I liked them tough. I liked it when they stood their ground.

I was lost to the feelings I was having. It had seemed an age since I'd last felt the sting of true desire. It had been too long since I'd had my collar installed and its rope in my hand. I closed my eyes and pictured my girl. She may have shed her mortal skin but she was still there with me. Her scent filled my brain and it fuelled my desire and my intent.

I had my sub get on her knees and undo my belt. I had her withdraw my now rock hard cock and then I had her lick it. Not suck. I wanted to savour the sight and the sensation of just being licked before we progressed further. She didn't disappoint either. She had a skilled tongue and she liked to use it.

She moaned almost constantly as she licked me from tip to base and back again repeatedly. When I gave her the instruction to suck she did, with abandon. She had no gag reflex, or very little of one, and she was an expert at giving oral pleasure.

I told her so and earned a hearty groan from the back of her throat by way of her thanks. The muscles at the back of her throat convulsed around me each time she moaned and it drove me nuts.

I closed my eyes and tilted my head back and recalled Bella's scent again. It should've been her mouth on my cock. It should've been her throat encased in my beautiful collar. But I knew it wasn't and it never would be.

Bella wasn't a submissive. She'd been all dominant. Her profile had said so. She never switched, not once as far as I knew.

As I spilled my seed down that girls throat I bellowed 'Bella' into the night air involuntarily. For the very first time I had a name to put to the image and scent swirling in my head.

My sub gagged but kept sucking until I instructed her to cease. I wiped what she'd been unable to swallow from the leather beside her mouth and told her to open her mouth. She did and I praised her for swallowing so expertly after I'd seen for myself that she had indeed taken almost all I've given her.

Next I instructed her to remove her suit. She did so with a practised hand. She didn't need to be told to make a show of it. She did it of her own accord and it pleased me and I told her so.

I was hard again by the time she'd fully divested herself of the leather skin and once she was prone and bound at the wrists I had her. I used that girls body and I denied her any kind of release. She was mine to use as I saw fit and if this was to be the last time I'd ever have the pleasure of indulging every one of my own needs I wasn't going to waste it. She'd get her release, eventually.

For two hours I used her. I had her in every position I could call to mind. I changed her bindings midway through and added a spreader bar between her knees. It had a leather cuff at either end and I secured those to her knees as securely as I could without breaking her skin. I retied her wrists in front of her body and then pulled a kitchen chair into the centre of the room. I positioned her leaning over the chair and hooked her bound wrists over the spindle of at the top edge of the chairs slatted back. With her ass in the air and her whole body at my disposal I drew my flogger and I beat that ripe, rosy ass as I fucked her.

The end of her ponytail poked through a small slit in the back of her hood so with one hand I tugged that and with the other I pulled the rope attached to the collar tighter.

She was totally incapacitated and unable to deny me access to her body. I felt strong. Powerful. I felt every inch the dominant I was being as I took her. I never let the tension on her hair or the collar wane and with her unable to sustain her balance because of the spreader bar I could manipulate her as I pleased.

And it did please me. She was helpless. She was at my mercy.

But it wasn't her anymore, it was Bella. My brain had switched them out. Their asses were totally different but my brain didn't care any longer. I was back in 6C bound at the wrists and ankles with that fucking cord around my neck. I was looking down, watching my cock disappear into the tight, wet hole of Bella, not this other girl. The screaming from her mouth was Bella's pleasure, not the other girls pain.

I know now that I was punishing an innocent girl because Bella had left me alone. I understand now why I lost control of the situation so badly. But I didn't know then.

I just continued to fuck her, despite the screaming, and my brain kept feeding me Bella's scent and the image that it was her ass I was flogging. And I was flogging it. Great, red welts were appearing. Her knees were trembling. But I couldn't stop. I felt so fucking ripped off. So aggrieved that Bella had died without us ever having been given the chance to be together. So in my own mind I was punishing Bella, not this girl.

I reached the point of my climax at the same time that Jasper broke down the door to the hotel room and burst in roaring at me to stop.

But I couldn't stop. I remember telling him I couldn't stop. I remember warning him that I was cumming, that the girl was mine, and that Bella was mine.

I remember her screaming too, but only now.

At the time I remember shaking my head to work out what the fuck was going on. I was trying to work out why Jasper was so angry and why he'd interrupted us. Jasper was bellowing at me but I didn't hear or understand what he was telling me. I didn't hear a word he said because all I could hear once my orgasm was done was the girl screaming.

"Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate," she cried over and over like a round of row-row-row-your-boat. "Edward! Chocolate!" she shrieked.

It wasn't until I heard my name, my real name, that I came to and could take stock of what I'd done.

* * *

**A/N: Thank you for reading. **

**Please review. **


	15. Chapter 15

The girl stopped screaming when Jasper tackled me to the ground, but she continued to whimper as my brother beat me into consciousness.

That may sound like an oxymoron – how could anyone be beaten into consciousness? But that's what he did. He beat me until I could recognise him.

And once I'd answered his question correctly – who was he – he left me there on the floor and set about releasing the girl from her bindings.

I lay there and watched, my now flaccid dick hanging out of my pants, as my brother undid the collar and threw it to the floor in disgust. He undid her wrists and then he tore the spreader bar from between her knees. That he threw directly at me. It clocked me in the forehead because at that instant my vampire reflexes were for shit. I was too stunned to move let alone dodge.

The girl slumped as her knees gave out but my brother caught her and then he lowered her to the floor of the hotel room and began murmuring to her softly. He pulled the comforter off the bed and wrapped it around her shoulders. It should've been me who did that for her and I must have hissed involuntarily at that because he hissed right back. "You stay where the fuck you are," he told me as he got the girl to her feet and moved with her towards the bed.

I remember feeling so angry at him, not at myself, because he was going to attempt to care for her and that was my job. I was her dominant and it should've been me who would soothe her now.

I got to my feet and made to go to her but he let her go and stood just long enough to shove me backwards. "If you touch her I'll fucking kill you," he growled and I retreated out of instinct.

Like Carlisles before it I believed this threat. Jasper wasn't like Carlisle. Carlisle had compassion, even if it wasn't directed at me lately, where Jasper had none. He was a vampire and he resented having to be a good one. He wouldn't hesitate to take my head off where I stood and fuck the consequences of having done it in front of a human. He'd likely kill her just to shut her up. I couldn't have that so I retreated as I was told to.

He barked at me to put my cock away. I hadn't even realised that I was standing there with it hanging out the front of my pants I was so confused.

After the disaster that was my first tentative step into the world of a dominant that female dom at the club had told me she'd get herself into the 'zone' before she could be a successful dominant and I'd taken her advice to the extreme.

I was so in the zone I didn't recognise my own brother until he beat sense into me. I was so in the zone I didn't know the difference between right and wrong. And I was so in the zone I hadn't noticed the blood on my cock as I'd fucked that poor, poor girl.

But I noticed it when I tried to tuck myself back in.

I'd hurt someone. For all my protests about never hurting anyone with my sexual proclivities I'd done it. I'd hurt that girl. I'd fucked her for so long, and so hard, that I'd torn the lining of her vagina. And worse still I'd kept right on going even though she had screamed her safe word and then my name.

My name.

She knew my name!

Jasper ignored me as I worked through my own disbelief, then the self loathing that settled in my gut. He concentrated hard on trying to get the girl to calm down enough to form full sentences. He made sure she was intact. He checked her over for cuts and when he was satisfied that she was at least physically unharmed – he didn't check between her legs. I couldn't have tolerated that and I doubted she would have let him anyway – he asked her if it was okay to remove her hood. She was sobbing, really crying hard, as he undid the zip at the back of it.

I thought I knew whose face I was going to see when that hood hit the mattress. My brain thought it knew who she was. My mouth formed her name and as it began to push its way past my vocal chords my heart leapt with anticipation.

"Bella," I all but shouted as the hood did indeed hit the mattress.

But it wasn't Bella.

The girl wrenched free of Jasper's arms and flew at me, screaming at me that she wasn't Bella. Jasper sat as though in shock and I stood where I was and let her hit me. She landed blow after blow to my face and chest and I took it all. Not because of the shock of the revelation about who she was, but because I deserved the beating.

I'd hurt her and it was only fair that she hurt me in return. She couldn't, but she didn't know that. So I let her beat me until she was spent. It didn't take long, maybe two minutes at the most, and then she shivered from head to toe and returned to the bed and sat.

Jasper wrapped her in the blanket again and when she'd calmed down a little and her sobs abated he asked her if she was all right.

"I will be, when he leaves," she whispered.

"He will," Jasper assured her. He handed her a tissue from the box on the nightstand and she blew her nose and dabbed at her eyes. She continued sobbing quietly while my brother got to his feet and confronted me. "Run, Edward. Run now while you have the chance," he growled. "Run now because if you don't I'll end you where you stand."

And in my confusion I made yet another bad decision. I should've run. I should've let him clean up my mess. I should've done as he said.

Instead I decided not to. Not this time.

And not because I didn't think he meant what he'd said, I knew that he did, but because I hadn't finished what I'd started.

He wasn't taking my moment from me. He wasn't going to be the one to comfort her. He wasn't going to take from me the most pleasurable part of what I did. It was for me that she'd smile as I soothed her. It was for me that she'd relax. It was mine to have and he couldn't take it from me.

I wasn't rational enough to see that I'd gone too far. I wasn't sane enough right then to see that I'd truly hurt the girl and that she'd likely need medical attention. All I saw was Jasper wanting to steal my thunder. All I saw was my brother preparing to take from me the tiny little bit of happiness I'd been able to find since I'd been picked up by Bella.

All the vampire inside me saw was my brother coveting my kill.

"I don't want to fight with you Jaz," I hissed at my still shocked brother. "I really don't. But this isn't anything to do with you so it's you who's going to have to leave."

"I'm not going anywhere," he scoffed. "And I'm not leaving you here with her alone."

"It's not your decision," I told him matter of factly. There was a process, a protocol between a dominant and his submissive and he was putting himself in the way of that.

"All right. Maybe it's not my decision," he said calmly as he squared his shoulders. "But it sure as hell isn't yours either, brother," he hissed. He turned to face the bed then asked the questions I'd been dreading. "Jess, do you want me to leave? Do you want me to leave you here with him?" he pointed towards me as he said it.

She shook her head. "No, don't leave me alone here with him."

This was unacceptable. This wasn't the protocol. This wasn't Jasper's business. She was my submissive. I was her dominant and it was my reward to care for her. I'd earned it. It didn't matter that I knew who she was now. It didn't matter that I'd been dating her in the normal world. Nothing mattered other than Jasper was taking from me the pleasure of caring for Jessica and my brain felt I'd earned that right.

I lunged but he was ready and he flung me off him as though I was a rag doll. "You heard her, get out," he roared, making Jessica sob harder.

I hit the far wall of the room but recovered quickly. I threw myself at him and we both hit the floor with a thunderous crash. Jessica screamed once more and I winced because I'd scared her again. Jasper and I were evenly matched, and we couldn't actually hurt each other, but just then he had the advantage of being rational. I fought him off instead of trying to end him, I was being defensive instead of proactive and he took his chance where he saw it. He rolled me to my stomach and kneed me between the shoulder blades. He inched his fingers beneath my chin and with his other hand he held my forehead. It wouldn't take much to remove my head from the position he held and I found myself begging for him to just do it.

As soon as I'd voiced the wish he let me go. He leapt off me and retreated so that he was between me and Jessica. "You aren't right," he whispered so lowly Jessica would never make out the words. "You can't be," he insisted. "How can you wish for death?"

I got to my feet slowly and when I turned to face my brother I saw the pain etched into his features. It was just like Carlisle's had been. Disbelief, disappointment and an inability to understand me.

I laughed and he shrank away from me, probably thinking I'd lost what was left of my mind. "How can I wish for death?" I asked, smirking. "It's easy when you've got nothing left to live for." When I saw his features soften and that he'd straightened from his aggressive crouch I calmed a little too. He didn't WANT to end me, but he was prepared to if I didn't back down. He just wanted to protect the human and stop me from hurting her. I loved him for that so I approached him cautiously and when we were only a foot apart I put my hands on his shoulders and pulled him to me. I didn't care that he didn't understand why I'd done what I'd done, I just wanted him to know that I was grateful he was prepared to help fix it. I hugged my brother hard and told him I loved him, I told him I trusted him to look after Jess and then I let him go again. He was so still, so shocked. "Okay Jaz, I'll go. I will. Let me talk to her a moment first, then I'll go. I won't fight you anymore."

He nodded minutely and stepped aside to allow me to approach the bed. I got down on my knees on the floor in front of her and took her hands – balled up tissues and all – into mine. "Jessica, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't even know it was you. You should've told me at the club. I'm so, so sorry."

What she said next was as much of a shock as the discovery that it had been her under that hood. She looked me square in the eye and for a split second the confident, expert submissive was once again peering up at me through those lashes. "I don't know who Bella is, but I'm not her," she whispered, "You've been dating me for eight months, Edward. If you cared about me at all you should've realised that it was me at the club for yourself. I thought you were playing a part, I thought you knew it was me and you were embarrassed to admit what you liked to do. I thought you knew."

She was right. If I'd cared about her at all, or had even thought about her during the whole experience, I'd have known it was her. But I hadn't. I hadn't spared a single thought for the girl I'd been supposedly dating exclusively for the better part of the last year. I'd wanted her to be Bella. I'd used her and I'd hurt her and I'd done it all hoping she was someone else.

I nodded and kissed her wrists where they'd been rubbed raw by the bindings. "I'm so sorry. You're right. I should've known it was you. I should've told you what I was and you should've told me about yourself too. Nothing can make up for what I did to you tonight. I wasn't thinking clearly, I wasn't thinking at all. If we'd been honest with each other I'd like to say we could've avoided this, but I have no excuse for what I've done here tonight. You can trust Jasper, he won't hurt you, and I'm sorry it's not going to be me who takes care of you tonight, but it's for the best. Promise you'll check in with your saviour?" I begged and she nodded. "I'm sorry Jess, I really am."

I was going to leave then but she tugged on my arm as I tried to stand. "You know the rules, Edward. You have to finish what you start. I'm okay with your brother caring for me tonight, but I'll need to see you, when you get a chance."

"In a few days," I told her and she nodded.

She was right. It was my job as dominant to finish what had been started. I was going to be denied the chance to care for her tonight but I owed it to her to care for her when the time was right. It didn't matter what Jasper thought right now. If he let me live long enough to see it through I'd go to Jessica in a few days and make right what I'd done. I had one last look at my brother and left.

I ran away from the hotel as fast as I could without seeming to be anything other than a human out for a run. I stopped at a gas station and used the restroom to clean the blood off myself and then I headed for the forest. I had to hunt.

Now that I was away from the hotel room my anger, resentment and disbelief had come storming back into my brain and I knew that if I didn't hunt I'd lose control again. Once had been enough.

I never wanted to feel that ever again. I never again wanted to be responsible for someone's safety. I couldn't be trusted with it.

I'd lost control of myself and of the situation so fast I hadn't noticed her screaming!

I took down three deer in quick succession before I felt my thirst begin to subside. I was still shaken, and a little disoriented, but with my thirst under control I knew I had a better chance of getting my shit together.

And I did need to get it together.

I took another deer then shoved its carcass under a bush and just sat where I was.

My god.

My brother had burst into a hotel room and found me beating the crap out of my girlfriend. I hadn't even known it was her. How could that be?

My scent marking abilities were exceptional. All vampires could pick specific scents up, track them, hunt them. So why did I let the memory of Bella's scent override Jessica's? And why, when Jasper was taking the hood off, was I still so sure it would be Bella that was revealed?

Why, when I was fucking her, didn't I recognise her ass or anything else? I'd seen it, had time to memorise her curves and the position of moles and freckles. Why did my brain make me see only Bella when I looked at Jess?

And come to think of it, while I was trying to work out the mysterious workings of the world around me, how did Jasper know where I was? He'd obviously followed me again today, but why would he? He'd accepted my explanation of where I was going back at the house. He'd given no indication that he hadn't believed me and I hadn't spotted him or smelled him at all during the time I'd been in the hotel on my own, at the club or near the hotel when I'd bought Jessica back to it.

Why was he following me? Carlisle had told me that the family had left 'dealing with me' to him, so what was Jasper's major malfunction?

I probably wouldn't ever get the answer to that because I knew he was gunning for me now. He'd let me talk to Jessica before I left, but I knew he'd done that for her benefit, not mine.

There was no way he wasn't telling the family and there was no way they weren't coming for me too.

A part of me wanted to sit where I was and just wait for them. Just sit there, think about my life as a whole and wait for them to come and end it for me. I'd been serious back at the hotel. Jasper had me right where he wanted me, he could've easily decapitated me. And my plea for him to just do it had come from the heart. I wanted to be free of it all. I wanted to be pain free, thirst free, mentally free. If that meant truly dying I thought that it was a worthy sacrifice.

Would I see Bella on the other side? Would I see my parents? Or would it all just fade to black? I hoped it did. I didn't want to have to look my parents in the eye after what I'd just done. I didn't want to have to explain to them that the son they'd given birth to had not only been turned into a vampire, but that he'd become so much more than the monster he was through design alone.

I waited there for five hours but nobody came. The only sounds were those that were normal to the forest. No footfalls to announce my impending end and no family to fight with.

I didn't even know if they knew what I'd done yet. I didn't know how long it would take Jasper to care for Jessica and I didn't know how long he'd wait to hunt me down. But it was obvious that he wasn't in any hurry because I sat there alone with my own thoughts for all those hours.

I had no way to find out what was going on either. I'd left everything in the hotel room. I had no keys, no wallet and no cell phone. I had the clothes on my back and that was all.

I didn't care about any of that. If I needed anything I could access my money without any trouble. There was only one thing I still held dear. The photo. It was in the side pocket of the duffel bag and that was still in the hotel room.

They could keep everything else, burn everything that had my scent on it for all I cared, but I wanted that photo.

If the hope of seeing her again, touching her again, immersing myself in her scent ever again was gone, and I was destined to perish for what I'd done that night, then I was going out with her picture clutched in my hand.

I made my way back to the hotel but there was no sign of either Jessica or Jasper. The hotel room was empty, and had been cleaned, and nothing of mine was inside it from what I could see through the windows. That meant that Jasper had taken my things home, I hoped. He could just have easily ditched them somewhere along the way, or destroyed them while I'd been having my pity party in the woods.

So I ran towards Forks. I reached the back yard just as the sun began to make its way over the horizon. I expected a flurry of activity. Strategy meetings perhaps. At least the assemblage of a hunting party to come get me. But the house was absent of any unusual activity or sounds.

They'd smell my approach so I hung back in the trees for a little bit. Let them come out to get me I thought as I leaned against a tall pine. But, if they did, I was having that photo with me come hell or high water.

When nobody came out of the house I began a slow walk towards it myself. When I was on the back porch I listened carefully, trying to determine who had drawn the short straw to ending me. And how. But there was nothing to hear other than Esme pottering around in her attic studio, Alice and Rose flicking through a magazine and Emmett playing Xbox. Carlisle was likely in his study because I could hear the rasp of his pen as he wrote in his journal.

That left Jasper. I ranged my hearing out and located him on the top floor. He was rifling through something, a pile of something, sounded like clothing.

"You may as well come in, Edward," Carlisle said softly from the depths of his study on the first floor. He'd smelled me.

I made my way gingerly into the living room and waited for the others to come down the stairs. One by one they came. None of them could meet my eyes. They knew. Of course they did.

As Carlisle came to the foot of the stairs I could make out the faint scent of Jessica on the air as he traversed the room and went to sit in an armchair. Why did he have her scent on him? Had she been in the house during the night? I sniffed, as inconspicuously as I could, but nobody else had her scent on them. Just Carlisle. He looked quite calm which was in direct contrast to the way he'd looked at other times that I'd 'slipped'. Where was the rage? Where was the disappointment?

Jasper joined us last of all. He wasn't trying to hide his anger and as he too came into the living room he strode right to me. "What do you want?" he asked straight up.

"An interesting question," I huffed. "Where is she?" I asked.

Jasper turned and looked at Carlisle then turned back to me. "At her home. Don't go there. Don't ever go there again, Edward."

"I wasn't planning to," I told him even though it was a lie. He'd heard me make plans to see her before I'd left the hotel room, but if he needed to hear that I'd leave her alone now then that's what I'd tell him. I turned to my father. "Did you treat her?" I asked. He nodded but didn't offer anything by way of her current condition or how badly I'd hurt her. But if she was at home, and not in the hospital, she was likely either already all right or on her way to being all right.

"What do you want here?" Jasper asked me, adding the 'here' at the end rather pointedly.

I got the message loud and clear. I wasn't wanted there, with them. I'd known it before I arrived and they didn't need to put voice to it. I was most likely insane but I wasn't stupid.

"Side pocket of the duffel bag from the hotel. A photo. I want the photo. Hand it over and I'll leave. You'll never have to see me ever again," I offered.

Alice leapt from her seat and ran up the stairs without waiting to hear any further negotiations. It stung that my sister wanted me gone so badly that she'd fly up the stairs and retrieve the photo so fast. I wasn't surprised, but it did sting. Alice had always been my ally, at least she had been before Bella had picked me up and I'd started on this path.

The tension in the room while we waited for Alice to return was palatable. Esme looked close to hysterics. Rose and Emmett sat side by side, clutching each other's hands between them on the sofa. He was rubbing her fingers gently as though he was soothing her.

Carlisle was tapping his foot rhythmically on the floor and Jasper hadn't moved from where he stood in front of me. He had his back to the rest of the room, and the family. It felt as though he were protecting them from me. He had to know I'd never hurt anyone. Or did he?

He'd seen me hurt Jessica the night before. He'd seen me try to hurt Carlisle during that first fight in Maine and he'd no doubt heard all about the second time I'd tried from Carlisle himself since then.

It seemed to take Alice forever to come back downstairs and when she finally did her eyes were wide and she looked as shocked as Jasper had when he'd burst in on me at the hotel. She didn't come to me as I expected her to, instead she went to Jasper. She stared at him for the longest time, showed him the photo and then put it into his hand. He stared at it for what seemed like an age and then he handed it to Carlisle.

I wanted it. It was mine. It wasn't to be handed around the room like show and tell. I wanted it for myself, it meant nothing to any of them and I didn't want to share the only image I had of her with anyone. Especially not those who had tried to deny me the happiness I'd felt with her during that one brief meeting.

"Give it to me," I snarled without thinking.

"Jasper, stand down," Carlisle said calmly and I watched as my brother and father had a silent eyebrow lifting conversation about the intelligence of the instruction. "Jasper, stand down," Carlisle repeated when it looked like my brother had no intention of doing so.

It took another few seconds but Jasper did stand down. He took a seat on the ottoman and pulled Alice into his lap. He held her tightly and buried his nose into the hair at the back of her neck.

My stomach clenched as I watched them. I wanted what they had. I wanted to seek and gain comfort from my mate. I wanted it and it had been taken from me before I even knew I could have it.

"Give it to me, it's mine," I snarled again at my father.

He didn't hesitate this time, he just handed it to me and I immediately looked down at her beautiful face. It did comfort me. Her smile made me happy. My mate made me happy even if she was no longer alive and I was alone for eternity, just looking at her picture made me happy.

"We know her," Carlisle whispered, snapping me from my thoughts. "Edward, we know her. That's Isabella Swan, the chief of polices daughter."

I didn't bother looking up. It didn't matter if they'd known her. Nothing mattered anymore because she was gone. It didn't matter to me if they'd been friends with her, or if Carlisle had treated her, or if Esme had stopped to spend time talking to her mother in the grocery store. It didn't matter because I hadn't truly known her and I wouldn't ever be able to.

It struck me how unfair it was that I'd spent three years in Maine trying to find her and she'd been here, near them, the whole time. It wasn't fair that they'd likely spoken to her, perhaps even socialised with her, and I'd been cheated of it.

I'd always known it would come down to chance if I found her. I couldn't ever have known that it would be my family who'd get the chance and not me. But there it was.

Fate at put my singer in my path then taken her away before I could know her. Fate had put her in the path of my family and they hadn't even known how important she was to me. Fate had taken her away and I was alone. In a room full of people I was totally alone.

"Doesn't matter," I mumbled and stuffed the photo into the front pocket of my pants. "You won't see me again," I told the vampires in the room. They weren't family any longer. They were just a group of people who didn't understand me and didn't want to. Living under the same roof was no longer enough for me to consider them my family.

I had my photo and I was done.

I took one more look at each of them in turn and then I made to leave.

"Do you love her?" I heard Esme whisper as I reached the glass door that would lead me away from them forever.

It too was an interesting question.

Did I? I'd never thought about it. I mean, she was my singer so I was engineered to want her, but did that equate to love? I craved her, and her blood. I wanted her and only her. Nothing satisfied me since and nothing had before her. But was that love?

I'd watched my family be in love with each other for a century but I'd never had the chance to try it for myself.

Alice pined for Jasper when he was away playing at his war re-enactments. Rose fretted for Emmett when he was away hunting bears. Esme retreated into herself when Carlisle was travelling to lectures and symposiums.

I pined for Bella, I missed her, and I fretted for her but was that because I never really had her in the first place or because I loved her? Was it all just because she was my singer?

"What is love?" I whispered, my hand on the doorframe.

Esme sighed. The question hung in the air for a moment before she spoke. But when she did her voice was steady and her words confident. "I can't tell you exactly what it is, but I can tell you some things I know to be true. This girl has haunted you for four years. You haven't been the same since you met her. I don't know if you love her but I do know that you won't let yourself love anyone else."

I remember thinking that at least Esme understood that about me. She might not understand, or want to understand, the things I've done but she does understand that I could never, would never, love anyone else now that I knew that Bella had existed and was gone.

"If that's what love does to you then yes, I loved her. But it doesn't matter now," I said again and went through the door.

As it closed behind me I heard Esme let out the sob she'd been holding in and I heard Carlisle go to her. He'd look after her and she'd get over her 'firstborn' being gone eventually.

I ran down the yard and into the forest and didn't look back.

I had my picture and that was enough.

* * *

**A/N: Thank you for reading. **

**Please review. **


	16. Chapter 16

I had no idea where to run to after the confrontation at the house with the Cullen's. There wasn't anywhere I needed to be or wanted to be. I had no home, nobody waiting on me and I felt adrift.

And then I thought that there was someone waiting on me. Jessica. I'd promised to see her when I had a chance and I had the time right then. So that's where I went. To finish what I'd started and to explain why I'd done the things I'd done.

She was home. Her car was in the drive and I could hear her moving about inside. At least if she was moving she wasn't in agony.

I knocked and she peeped through the peep hole. She swore just once then opened the door to me. It was more than I deserved.

She wore her pyjamas and a pair of fluffy pink slippers. They were in stark contrast to her leather hood and cat suit from the previous night, but they looked comfortable and charming all the same.

She stepped aside and motioned for me to come in. She led me through to her living room and then sat on the sofa. I didn't want to sit with her there – knowing how many times I'd had sex with her there – so I sat in an armchair opposite.

Now that I knew what she was she seemed different to me and it made me wonder if I seemed different to her now too. She was obviously tired because she moved slowly and her eyes were a little dull, but I smelled no residual blood and could see no marks on the skin she had exposed.

"I'm fine. You didn't need to come check on me right away," she said quietly once we were settled, "I know you've got a lot on your plate, with your brother and stuff, this can wait."

"You know I did need to come and check on you. As your friend and as your dominant," I told her carefully.

She met my eyes then and I could see the hurt in them. I'd hurt her physically and mentally too. We were both guilty of not being honest, but I was smart enough to know that if I'd just had the balls to tell her the truth she'd never have been in the pain she was now.

"Your brother cared for me, you know, afterwards. So you don't have to worry about being in trouble with your saviour or anything. I covered for you with mine. Your dad came to see me and he gave me some cream and some tablets. You don't need to worry about me saying anything, I won't tell anyone what happened," she whispered.

"I don't care who you tell. Whatever I get I have coming to me," I told her honestly though she probably couldn't imagine what could really happen to me should the Cullen's decide to seek retribution for what I'd done to her. "And I don't have a saviour," I admitted regretfully. "I resigned my membership a day or so before I met you. I bluffed my way in last night." She stared at me wide eyed for a moment but I continued on. "I really am sorry, Jess. It's all on me. I lost control and I'm sorry."

She nodded and sat quietly for a moment before speaking again. "Who's Bella?"

I sighed. It wouldn't matter what I told her but I told her as close to the truth as I could fly. "She was a member out in Maine. She picked me up in a bar. It was my first time in the lifestyle and I wanted to see her again but I couldn't find her. I didn't know her name or anything about her. I only learned two days ago what her name was and that she was just visiting out there; she actually lived here, in Washington. I've spent the last four years searching for her."

"Do you mean Bella Swan?" she asked and I nodded. Another one who knew her, another one who could've led me to her had I just known her name. "I know her as Bella too, but her names really Isabella. She's the Police Chiefs daughter isn't she?" she asked and I nodded again. Yep, she was fucking famous and I'd had no idea. "Then why were you dating me and not her?" she asked. It was a good question.

But I knew the truth about that would hurt her more than she already was, so I lied. Again. "I was in Maine and my family were all here and I missed them. So I gave up and came west to be with them. I'd only been here two days when we were set up on that date. I don't want you to think I was treading water while we were dating, I wasn't. But I can't see you anymore, you know that right?" I asked.

She laughed a little. "Yeah, I know that. Can I ask you something?" I nodded for her to continue, "Why didn't you ever tell me that you were a dominant?"

"Actually, I switch," I told her truthfully and watched her shocked expression for a second before going on. "I couldn't at first; I didn't have the heart for it. But the more frustrated I got when I couldn't find Bella the better at it I got."

"But why not tell me straight up? Are you ashamed of it?"

I shook my head. "No, I'm not ashamed, but my family don't approve. They made me give it up when I moved here."

She smiled then. "Ahhh, I get it now. I was your attempt at vanilla."

I laughed a little then too. "Yeah, I guess you were."

"Well then, I guess we've cleared up that then. You can't settle for vanilla, Edward. It's not who you are."

I agreed but couldn't see how it would solve any of my current problems, so I moved on. "Can I ask you something now?" I asked and when she nodded I jumped right in, "Do your family know about you?"

She nodded and my gut clenched. My family couldn't tolerate me and hers knew and accepted it. It stung like a bitch. "They do. I always knew, so I never hid it. My mom freaked at first but she came around once she saw how happy it made me."

That hurt more.

"I'm sorry I hid it from you," I told her honestly. So much could've been avoided if I'd just been honest.

"You don't have to apologise to me. I didn't tell you either. We're both complicit. But I think you should stop beating yourself up about it – pardon the pun. You can't help what you want and if your family can't accept you for what you are then maybe you're better off away from them?" I nodded my agreement but she went on. "I enjoyed dating you, you know. I don't want you to think that I was only dating you so I could try out 'normal'. I went on the first date because my dad asked me to. I went on the second because I liked you. You're a good guy, Edward. But you aren't for me any more than I'm right for you. Not now that we know what we're like together as our true selves anyway. But I want you to think about something. I let you pick me up in the club, Edward. Don't forget that. I'm a member there too. I know the score. You asked for a submissive, I'm a submissive, I knew what you were going to do to me. I'm not stupid, I'm not naive and I'm not innocent. I've been a member there since I was legally old enough to be one. You didn't shock me, and I'm not disgusted. You just went too far. That's all. It's happened to me before, just once, and I survived with no lasting damage. So you have to put this behind you and move on, just like I will." All I could do was nod. She'd just given me more support and encouragement than I'd gotten from the Cullen's in years and I was pathetically grateful. "What will you do now? Go and see her?" she asked.

I couldn't help the tiny moan of pain that came out of my mouth as she asked. "She's dead Jess, her brother told me about six hours before I picked you up. It's why I lost it at the hotel."

She sat stunned into silence and just stared at me for the longest time. I didn't want her pity; I didn't deserve it anyway, so I stood to make ready to leave. But she stopped me by coming towards me and putting her hand on my forearm.

"When did that happen? Are you sure because I was talking to her in the club only three days ago."

"No, you're wrong, or you've got the wrong Bella. Her brother told me himself," I blurted out loudly. "It was about two years ago. She was smothered by a match up and the one who did it died earlier this year himself. It couldn't have been her you talked to."

Her brows creased while she thought about what I'd said and then she began to shake her head. "Nope, I know Bella Swan, Edward. We went to Forks High together; I was in her brother's class. That's Jake, right?" she asked and as I nodded numbly I felt my stomach clench in a mixture of fear and anticipation. "He's an ass. Oh, and he's only a half brother just so you know. And he's creepy. Used to watch her, like really watch her. All the time. We all thought he was in love with her, but you know, they were only step brother and sister so it wouldn't be illegal or anything. Plus, her dad was a cop, so it wasn't likely that he was going to let anything weird go down under his roof. But still, Jake was weird even back in high school."

When it didn't look like she was going to stop I led her back to the sofa and sat down beside her and then I begged her to tell me everything she could.

I still couldn't let myself hope that I'd been tricked, lied to, and that Bella might be alive and well. I wanted to wait until I had some solid evidence before I got my hopes up.

On and on Jessica went. She was a font of information about all things Swan/Messop, so I just sat there and let her ramble. "He owns the club you know? It's his business. I think he started it right out of high school because I was one of the first to join up and we're about the same age. Cost me a fortune too. He wouldn't give me a discount because we'd been friends, he's such an asshole like that. I had to borrow the money, took ages to pay it back too, especially with student loans on top of it. But it's the safest way for me to play, so it was worth it. Bella used to beg him to let her join too, but he'd never let her. I'd see her around the clubs, knowing she was a dominant herself, and I felt bad for her because her own step brother wouldn't let her become a member. And you know, the more I think about it the weirder that is because at least if she was a member she could have a saviour, you know? Just picking up in the clubs is a bit dodgy."

The things this girl knew blew my mind.

"You say you spoke to her three days ago, at the club?" I asked. If I'd been human I'd have held my breath while I waited for her answer.

"I did," she insisted. "Like I said, she wasn't allowed to be a member so she could only go in the regular part of the club, but it was her. She hasn't changed that much since school. Not like me, I'm heavier, a few lines," she shrugged. "But it was definitely her. She used my name, you know, my real name, so it was definitely her."

"Okay, I believe you. What did she say?"

"Oh, I don't know. It was just a regular conversation. Um, she asked after my dad – he's a doctor like your dad and Bella's known him forever – and she asked how my classes were. Just normal stuff. I'm telling you, Edward, it was Bella Swan."

The only thing I could think to do was show her the picture. So I did. She nodded right away. She had no doubt, that WAS Bella Swan and that WAS who she'd talked to in the club three days ago.

I kissed her then. I pulled her to me and I kissed her lips and I thanked her over and over. I hugged her, kissed her and thanked her. She told me to go, to go find her and just be happy. And then I left and ran to the Cullen house.

As I ran I replayed the most recent conversation I'd had with them. They'd used current tense every time they referred to Bella. They said they 'knew' her, not that they'd 'known' her. Jake had stumbled over his tenses too when he told me about her. The fucker. He'd played me.

I didn't know why, or what his end game was. But as sure as shit stinks I was going to find out.

She was alive!

My singer. My Bella. She was alive and hopefully well, though if she'd managed to take care of herself after four years trolling the clubs without the protection of a saviour, she should have managed to stay alive for the past three days.

I flew in the backdoor without thinking and came to a skidding halt when Emmett bailed me up in the centre of the living room.

"Thought you weren't coming back, bro," he snarled.

"I thought I wasn't either," I told him. "I need five minutes. I need to talk to everyone." I shouted for them all to come downstairs and once they'd all taken a seat I began to pace a long line in front of the coffee table as I addressed them. "I know I said I wouldn't come back, and that you'd never see me again, but I need to ask you all something."

I was fairly buzzing so my pacing got faster and faster as the group looked from one to the other probably trying to decide whether to let me ask my question or if they should kick my ass.

"Ask your question, Edward," Carlisle said. As head of the family I guess I was to address him, so I did.

I pulled the photo out of my pants pocket and held it aloft so he could see it from where I stood. "This girl, Bella Swan, you KNOW her, right?" I asked, the emphasis on 'know'.

He nodded, as did the others. "We told you that this morning. What's this about?" Carlisle demanded.

I waved the photo again. "I know you told me this morning. What I'm asking is, you know this girl, as in you've seen her recently? Or you've talked to her recently? Or you've seen her talking recently?"

Carlisle's brows creased as he nodded. "I can't speak for the others, but yes. I've seen her recently. I saw her four days ago."

I smiled then. Really smiled. For the first time in four years I smiled and it felt fucking incredible. This was incredible. Jessica had told me she'd talked to Bella but it wasn't until Carlisle confirmed it too that I began to get truly excited.

Just to be sure I asked the others. Emmett said he hadn't seen her in a few days but he had seen her before that. And definitely within the last month or so. Esme said she saw her maybe two weeks ago and Rose said she read an article in a Washington newspaper that she'd written a week ago, if that counted as recently. Jasper said he didn't know her but he'd seen her around but didn't have a specific date or time. But it was Alice's answer that blew me away.

"I talked to her this morning, Edward," she whispered when it came to her turn to share.

I just stared at her. Why hadn't she told me?

Because you'd never asked dickhead I thought to myself. You never asked them anything. If you had you might have avoided all of this bullshit. You took their words earlier at face value and you never told them you believed her to be dead.

"This morning? Before or after I'd been here? Why did you talk to her this morning Alice?" I asked my sister.

"After. And I talked to her because she's my friend, Edward," she whispered back.

How was this possible? How the fuck did my sister become friends with my singer and I didn't know about it? Because I'd been busy with Jessica and I'd given up hope of finding her. That's why. And I hadn't had anything to do with my family even though I'd been living in the same house as them. I'd isolated myself and now I was paying the price. I'd thought that once I'd left Maine there would be no hope of finding her, so I hadn't bothered.

I stopped pacing then and moved towards my sister. When I reached where she sat I got down onto the balls of my feet and looked her right in the eye. She was grinning from ear to ear. "Alice, until you saw that picture this morning did you know that Bella was who I'd been searching for?" I asked as calmly as I could. She shook her head but kept right on grinning. "But after you saw the picture, and I left, you talked to Bella?" she nodded again, the grin was firmly plastered on her face. "Can you tell me what you talked to her about?"

She nodded and giggled and my heart soared. This was going to be good and probably something I'd remember for the rest of my life.

"I met her in Port Angeles when I was shopping, ages ago, a year ago, maybe more. We got talking. She'd met someone while on holidays but she never got his name. She's pined for him all this time. She's been looking for him, but without a name it was impossible. When I saw that photo this morning I realised that you were searching for each other. I called her, told her, and if you'd answered your cell today you'd know she's waiting to hear from you, dumbass," she laughed.

"He doesn't have his cell, I do," Jasper told her before I had the chance. "He left it in the hotel room."

The tension in the room had evaporated as everyone listened to Alice' story.

I got to my feet again and began pacing again. I raked my hand through my hair and just paced. This was incredible. As incredibly soul destroying as it had been to hear that I'd found her and she was dead, the news that she wasn't was just as incredible.

"Edward?" Esme said softly to get my attention. "Why did you say that it didn't matter that you loved her this morning?"

I grinned then. Finally, an easy question. "I met her brother a few days ago and he told me she had perished." Esme gasped, shocked, and the others began to voice their displeasure at a man they'd never met. They might not have had any idea what had been going for me lately – and that was on me because I'd never bothered to tell them – but they were slowly catching up with the program.

"Why would her own brother tell you that?" Rose asked.

Another good question. They were coming thick and fast and for the first time I had answers, and the beginnings of hope flooding my system.

As much as I wanted to run from that house and go to Bella I knew that I owed it to the Cullen's to tell them all that I could about the situation that had gotten us to this point. And, to me at least, it was an 'us' situation now, not just a 'me' situation anymore. I didn't know if they'd ever accept me as a member of their family ever again, but as I told them the story, the whole story this time, I knew that the only way to make right what was wrong was blatant honesty from there on in. Warts and all.

"I don't know why Jake – that's her brother. Or rather, her step brother – told me that. But I will find out," I told the gaping group.

And then I told them everything.

I told them how lonely I'd been since, well, forever really. I told them that it had been chance, sheer luck that I'd met Bella in the club in Maine. I told them that she was my singer and that I'd known it from the off. That had shocked the others – Carlisle hadn't told them – and it spun us off on a tangent that took two hours to come back from. But we did.

I explained how and why I'd enjoyed the experience with her that one time. I told them how much it had freaked me out to learn that I DID enjoy the way she'd treated me. I told them not just about the sex and how domination worked but also about the protocols and rules that were in place to protect everyone in the lifestyle.

I went to some lengths to make them see that the care after the sex, the genuine care and comfort that I earned each and every time I slept with a dominant was essential to my wellbeing. I made them understand why I craved that care and they really did seem to get it after that. I was brutally honest. I left no detail out. I helped them explore the world that existed between a dominant and their submissive once the sex was complete.

I described 6C and its heavenly bathroom and boudouir and told them all about how happy I'd been whilst I was in it.

The girls, especially, could relate. Vampires needed comfort and care just like humans did and like humans they craved it in serene surroundings and the opportunity to indulge that craving in comfortable, almost plush, surroundings. All vampires hid away with their mates at various times. In the early evenings pairs would slink off to be alone. All mated pairs cherished and took care of their mates. They groomed them and talked in hushed tones and they did intimate things like bathe each other and caress and show each other affection.

They came to see that what I had done, and enjoyed doing since, was hardly different. Sure, I did it and received it from random strangers after passionless sex, but the similarities were there none the less.

I went to great pains that day to explain all this in a way that would show them that I wasn't sick, I wasn't a pervert, and I wasn't a sadist or a misogynist.

As much as I didn't want to admit it I also told them about my experiences with other men. The guys all but gagged, but the women in the room encouraged me to tell them as much as I could.

For the first time in four years they _wanted_ to understand. So I told them everything. I told them that the sex, with other men, had been perfunctory at best but that I'd gained the same feelings of comfort and care afterwards that I got from the women.

Esme, quite obviously nervous and a little embarrassed, asked me about being a dominant and then I told them all about that too. I admitted that my first try had been a wreck and why. I told them that I'd been unable to go through with it because at the time I really didn't want to force that girl to perform any act she wouldn't normally have consented to had the choice been hers to make.

And with the view to full disclosure I told them how after Carlisle had visited me that first time in Maine I did find the strength inside me that would let me be a dominant too. I told them that I switched – and what that meant – from then on in and why. I told them that it was all down to my state of mind on the night I'd been matched. If I had been particularly frustrated during the impossible search for Bella I'd be a dominant but that if I was feeling in need of some affection and attention myself I'd ask to be matched as a submissive.

It all came down to state of mind. Everything. Everything I was, everything I'd been to date, everything I was going to be from then on was all down to my state of mind.

Without the comfort and care of my mate I sought it from others. To the group that was normal. The kind of care and comfort they agreed was normal too. What I needed to endure – and that was still the term Esme used to describe the sex – in order to have that care and comfort was still a sticking point, but they were finally trying to get it.

We'd talked for eight hours straight by the time I caught them up to the time I'd come west with Carlisle to rejoin the family. I knew that this part was going to be the most difficult to explain, and for them to get past, but I was determined to try at the very least.

I admitted that I'd never intended to give up the lifestyle once I'd come to Washington. They knew this because they'd heard from Jasper about the meeting in Seattle I'd had and of course they knew that I'd cancelled my membership that day too. What they didn't know was the reasoning behind my agreeing to date Jessica.

I addressed most of that part of the explanation to Carlisle personally because it had been him who had set up the first date and it had been him who'd I'd personally betrayed by continuing my relationship with Jessica when I knew it was a lie.

I told him, and the group, straight up that I'd been to see her earlier that day and whilst that made Jasper and Carlisle angry they allowed me to explain why without resorting to violence.

Jessica had never given anyone in the group any reason to believe she was a member of the same organisation I was despite having spent some considerable time with them all over the previous months. I didn't want them to see that as a lie, or a betrayal, so I did my best to get them to see how necessary it was sometimes to keep that information to ones self. It wasn't my place to explain Jessica's private thoughts on it, so I asked them to please allow her the chance to do that herself if she so wished. They all agreed they would.

I went through the protocols and rules that existed between a dominant and their submissive again and why it was so important for me to see Jessica even though I'd told Jasper at the hotel – and the group after the fact – that I wouldn't. Once they understood that Jessica had needed me to finish what I'd started just as much as I had they relaxed their position on that. I told them that we'd just talked. That we both needed to apologise for the way things had gone at the hotel and within our botched relationship. The group was shocked to hear that Jessica apologised to me, and appalled to learn that it wasn't unusual for doms to lose control with their submissive. Once I'd explained the role of saviour they relaxed about that too. Of course Jasper was able to testify that there had been no saviour present in that hotel room and I told them all that neither Jessica nor I had wanted one present. I was being honest when I told them that had she requested one I'd have chosen another submissive that night. It was a state of mind thing. I might not have planned to lose control that night but it did happen, and it had happened to Jessica once before. That frightened them and it set me back a few paces in my explanation, but eventually, once the whole story had been told, they agreed that whilst my actions that night had been abominable they could see why both Jessica and I had needed the debrief the next day.

I did my best to explain about the clubs and the private rooms and my membership to the organisation. The connection with Messop was harder to explain because I didn't understand his role, or the intricacies surrounding his deception yet. But they agreed that I should find out if I could. I was hoping Bella could shed some light onto that for me, but after speaking with Jessica I think I had a bit of an inkling for myself already.

When my story was complete I asked the group what they wanted from me going forward.

The room fell silent as they each thought about that for themselves.

I hoped they were going to want to support me now and show me some kind of acceptance but I couldn't know until they each told me for themselves.

Esme went first. She had the softest heart of them all and all it boiled down to for her was my happiness. She expressed her wish that I go to Bella, that I sort out the issues with her brother and that I do my best to try to have some sort of relationship with her. I was hoping the same and said so.

Emmett told me to do what I needed to do but also warned me that if I hurt anyone again – after the use of a safeword that is – that he'd take me out himself. I agreed and was sincere when I told him that if I did manage to hold onto Bella the chances of it ever happening again were almost nil.

Rose echoed Emmett's thoughts.

Jasper told me how horrified he'd been when he burst into that hotel room. He gave me the same warning Emmett had but he'd spent some considerable hours with Jessica after I'd left and he'd come to understand the relationship between dominant and submissive quicker than the others and he gave me a little more leeway.

Alice forgave and forgot faster than any of them and nothing could overshadow how excited she was that Bella and I had been searching for each other, at the same time, and that we might now have a chance.

And then it came time for Carlisle to have his say. He didn't want to have it in front of the others. He asked me to run with him and I agreed. He was calm and reflective once we'd run to the clearing that bordered the forest. He paced in a small figure of eight pattern whilst deciding how he was going to word his opinion. He stared at me for quite a long time and then he began.

"You were my first, Edward. My first transformation, my first companion, my first child, and I love you. I always have and despite what's happened between us I always will. I can't turn that off. I don't want to. But I haven't liked you for the longest time. The things you've done, they way you've handled all this, it isn't who I thought you were," he said thoughtfully. "I knew you to be a quiet, respectful boy and then a respectful man. But that changed when you met Bella. I understand why that is so, now. But for all these past four years I didn't like who you'd become. You should've told me. You should've done more to make me understand. You should've confided in me. You always have before. And that has been the hardest thing for me to overcome, Edward. The loss of your thoughts. From the day you awoke from your change you've told me everything. Even when you knew it would displease me you still told me everything. But not this time. You hid things, you were secretive about your actions and your feelings and that fed the image I had of you that you had forsaken everything I'd taught you."

When he paused I jumped in. "I tried to make you understand, so many times I tried. But you just seemed unwilling and I couldn't give it up, I couldn't give her up! So when you stopped trying to understand I stopped trying to teach you."

He nodded in agreement. "I think I did give up trying to understand. When you wouldn't come west with us I gave up too. But when you did consent to come home I thought you'd stopped searching. When you cancelled your membership that day I started hoping you'd return to who you'd been before. But you didn't, did you?"

I shook my head. "No, I didn't. But I didn't ever visit that club and I didn't pick anyone up. I swear it. I didn't. Once I started dating Jessica I didn't have anything to do with any of that side of things."

"I know you didn't," he said quietly. "I had Jasper watch you," he whispered.

"I figured as much," I told him. It made sense. I didn't need details, or to know how long he'd watched me, it didn't matter now. "And I want you to know that I did try with Jessica. I really did. I wanted to love her. I wanted to want her."

"But you were just going through the motions," he interjected before I could say the exact same thing.

"Yeah, I was," I agreed sadly.

"And so was she?" he asked.

I nodded sadly, "Yes, she was too. She's like me. But she's much more in tune with that side of herself and she has the support of her family. It's been a much easier revelation for her than it's been for me."

I didn't want to berate him for the way he'd handled the situation, but I didn't want to let him off the hook for his part in it either. Selfish of me? Probably.

"I haven't made this easy for you, no. But you haven't made this easy for me either, son," he said quietly.

It was the first time he'd called me son in years and I almost collapsed to my knees in gratitude. I had to cling to the hope that we could fix this. That something of our previous relationship could still be salvaged. "I'm sorry for that, dad," I told him gruffly, emotion welling up inside me.

"I am too. We aren't the same apart. The family I mean. We knew you were lonely, but having you with us unhappy doesn't work either. If you'll let us I think we'd like to help you be happy. Do you think you can have a relationship with Bella? A healthy one? With you two being the way you are?" he asked.

"I don't know," I told him honestly. "All I know is that she's my singer and I'm in love with her. She's a Dom and I'm a submissive. I don't want to be a dominant so maybe it could work. But I don't really know anything about her. She might not want a full time submissive. What happens next is going to be up to her. But I've gotta try. You can see that, right? I can't let this go now. I have to see her and ask her and give her a chance. I want to be a good son to you, and I know you don't want me to be a submissive, but if Bella will have me it's who I need to be. You can see that too, right?" I asked hopefully.

He nodded and I all but feinted away in relief. "I can see that now, yes. But I don't want you to do this alone. You can't shut us out. It doesn't work, we've proved that. Will you tell her what you are?" he asked.

"I have to. At least I think I have to. If she's been searching for me there is some hope that she'll accept me as a man, but if I want a mate, a true mate, I'll have to tell her no matter her decision after that."

"I agree. Will you offer her the change?" he asked cautiously.

I didn't need to think on it though, so I answered right away. "I will. If she wants me, truly wants me like I want her, I'll change her myself. But I swear to you I won't force her. I'd never do that."

"Good. Good," he mumbled. "And the family? What do you want from us?"

He was giving me a choice? After everything I'd done, all that had past between us he was still willing to give me the choice to be a part of his family? Of course I wanted that, but I needed to fix what was broken first. "I want your understanding while I try to fix the mess I've made. After that, if you can all accept me for who and what I am – no matter what Bella decides – then I want to be a part of the family. But I am what I am. I can't and won't change that. I'll accept the collective decision but you'll all have to accept this about me in return."

"I think that's possible, in time," he smiled. "Lets see you through this next part and we'll see what Bella decides, then we'll sit down and talk about what will come next. Is that acceptable to you?" he asked reasonably.

I was grateful that he wanted to 'see me through' the next part and told him so. And then I stepped into his waiting arms. He held me for the longest time and even though things weren't truly fixed there was hope that it could be.

I knew what I had to do now and I knew that I had, at the very least, my father's support for this first step and the support of the bigger group too.

It was time to introduce myself to my mate.

* * *

**A/N: Thank you for reading. **

**Please review. **


	17. Chapter 17

Carlisle and I ran back to the house. He assured me that the family were going to want to help. He told me that they'd do whatever I needed them to do that would give me the best possible chance of having what I wanted with Bella.

The key was going to be honesty, and Alice.

Alice knew Bella. She'd spent time with the girl and she had already told her that I'd been searching for her too. She had a rapport with Bella that none of the rest of us had, yet. Bella trusted Alice and was comfortable in her company.

That was going to be important too. That Bella was comfortable around me. I wasn't going to be able to tell her what I was if she wasn't at least comfortable being in the same room as me.

So I had to calm down before I met with her.

And that, dear reader, wasn't an easy thing to accomplish.

I was wound tight. Frantic and excited at the same time. I was nervous and anxious and as horny as fuck!

I knew the instant I laid eyes on Bella again that I'd be aroused by her. I'd imagined her in my head for so long now that I had formed an imaginary sequence in my head of our eventually finding each other.

I would say her name softly; she'd swoon and run into my arms. I'd kiss her softly at first but it would build until we were both frantically trying to undress one another.

And it was all bullshit.

It wasn't going to go like that. I wasn't stupid.

And even though neither of us had done anything wrong I knew that there would be apologies and recriminations and faults pointed out and a highly charged emotional first meeting was inevitable.

So I needed to go into it with a clear head, a plan on what to say and how to say it and as close to a calm demeanour as I could manage.

Alice took me in hand once it became clear that I couldn't achieve that for myself. She dragged me from the house and ran with me into the forest. She insisted I hunt and stood watch while I did. Then she dragged me back to the house to shower and change my clothes.

She gave me my cell, wallet and keys back and then she sat me down and talked me through what she was going to do and what I should do myself once she'd fulfilled her end of the bargain.

It was dark by the time I set off with Alice for the run towards Port Angeles. Bella knew we were coming. Nobody thought surprising her was a good idea and I'd agreed. So Alice had called her and asked if she could come over. When Bella agreed Alice asked her if she wanted to see me too. I held my breath while Alice listened for her answer but her smile told me what it was long before Alice disconnected the call and voiced it. Bella wanted to see me. Now. As soon as possible.

The rest of the family sent me off with good wishes and calls of luck and encouragement and by the time Alice and I approached Bella's street I was surer I could have happiness than ever before. With so many in my corner I at least had a shot at it.

We approached on foot which probably gave Bella more reason to suspect we weren't exactly normal, but Alice and I both needed the run. We could take the time to think over everything, plan out what we'd say and how we'd behave.

Quite apart from that it was just plain good fun to run together. We hadn't done it in such a long time and I think we both felt it was time to try and get back to being brother and sister.

Alice took my hand once we'd run to the edge of the forest in Port Angeles so we walked the rest of the way hand in hand. She squeezed it as we approached the address I'd seen printed on the profile page in Jake's office.

The house was nothing like what I'd pictured. Bella had seemed cold and clinical at our first meeting and even though she'd softened after we'd had sex it was the image of the arrogant, calculating girl I'd kept in the front of my mind.

So I wasn't prepared for the quaint little house once I was finally standing in front of it.

A single storey with a small front porch in a totally normal suburban setting. Neighbours to either side. Bicycles and children's toys were strewn across the yards to either side but Bella's was neat as a pin. The lawn was cut short and the few shrubs and trees that lined the property were well cared for.

Her red Subaru stood idle in the drive and the porch light was on.

Was she inside pacing? Was she excited? Was she nervous? Was she as torn up as I was?

I stood by the mailbox and sniffed the air. Her scent was faint outside but as we approached the porch it got stronger. A pair of wicker chairs had cushions on the seats and they'd trapped that exquisite aroma inside their threads. It was heady and I was giddy.

Alice led me to the front door, told me quietly to calm down, and then rang the bell.

This was it.

I heard her footsteps first, and then her racing heart. Her scent strengthened as she came to the door and I had to close my eyes and suck back the venom pooling on my tongue before I could look at her when she opened the door.

And then there she was. Four years of longing. Four years of agony. Four years with only the memory of her scent. And here she was at last.

I just stared at her for the longest time. I drank in the sight of her. Her flawless skin. The dark brown expressive eyes and that lush, plump mouth. She was just as I'd remembered her and she was utterly perfect.

I was about to speak, even though Alice said she'd introduce us, but Bella didn't wait for introductions. She gasped and put her hand to her mouth as she looked me up and down for the first time in so long. "I can't believe it," she whispered as she stared at me.

I knew how she felt. It was unbelievable and up until that very second I hadn't quite believed it for myself either. She was here. She was alive and she was fucking incredible.

And so we just stood there, staring at each other, like idiots. I didn't know what to do, or what to say and I remember hoping that Alice did.

She must have known because she took the lead. "Hey Bella," she said softly. "This is my brother, Edward Cullen."

Despite the emotion on her face she didn't throw herself at me, of course. She just stood there, silent. And then she did the most wonderful, most powerful thing I'd ever seen or felt. She cupped her hand and put it to my cheek. The sting hit me in the gut first, heart second and balls third. And it had nothing to do with her blood. It was just her. This beautiful, dominant creature was mine and I loved her. Totally. Unconditionally. And with that one simple touch I knew she felt something for me too.

"Edward," she breathed heavily and closed her eyes. She was trying out my name just as I'd tried hers out once I'd learned what it was.

I let Alice' hand go and put mine over Bella's on my cheek. Her pulse raced through me and for a tiny second it was as though my own heart was beating as I drank in that lovely, soft pounding that proved to me once and for all that she was alive, she was real and she was touching me.

"Bella," I whispered in return and for the first time in so long our eyes met. It was a powerful feeling, being there in front of her after so long. I felt whole. I felt nervous and excited but mostly I felt as though I was staring into the face of my mate. I was where I should be, with whom I was destined.

Alice coughed lightly and broke the spell but I understood why she did it. We three were standing on the front porch and anyone who cared to see could. There was nothing to hide but we couldn't stand there all night either.

Bella snatched her hand away from my face but it was more because she'd been startled by Alice than retracting it through fear. At least I hoped it was.

She stepped back through the open front door and asked us both to come in. Alice had been there before and knew the layout so I followed her down a short hall and into the living room.

It was, well, cosy. Small but it didn't feel cluttered. There were two armchairs and a loveseat, a coffee table with a stained glass lamp on it and a modest TV on a low line cabinet. One bookcase crammed to the gills with novels and a soft, inviting rug on the floor. I liked it. It suited her even though it wasn't what I'd imagined.

Alice sat in one armchair and I sat in the other when Bella offered it to me. I was too nervous to speak, so Alice did.

"This is pretty fucked up, huh?" she giggled.

That was her opening line? After everything I'd conjured in my head, everything we'd planned, that was what my sister led with?

I couldn't help but laugh and as soon as I began Bella joined in. And then I understood why Alice had said it. We all needed a tension breaker and she'd managed it with seven simple words. I watched Bella's eyes as she giggled along. Whilst they weren't exactly sparkling – I'd noticed the puffiness at the door – they weren't lifeless either.

As soon as we'd laughed as much as politeness warranted we, all three, went back to silence. The tension had returned tenfold. None of us knew what to say. All the planning had been for nothing. The situation was unlike anything I'd ever had to deal with and I doubted Bella had ever been in it herself either.

So I manned up. For the first time ever I took control in a good way.

"I searched for you," I told Bella pointedly. "As soon as it was light the next morning I went back to the apartment to try to find you. I did everything I could to find you."

I watched the tears form in her eyes as I spoke and then I watched them fall as she admitted to having searched for me too. "I did the same. I looked for you everywhere," she sobbed.

"Why? Why did you look for me?" I asked. I had to know. I had to know, before we went any further, why it was so important to her to find me.

She didn't raise her face so I could see her eyes as she spoke, but I understood that when she answered. "Because you were the first submissive I've ever _wanted_ to care for," she said in a whisper.

She didn't want Alice to think badly of her. Alice had told me that Bella had never told her about her sex life and of course that was a perfectly normal thing. But she was admitting to it now and she couldn't know that Alice knew about mine.

"We have no secrets," Alice whispered in return. "I know about Edward, and what he likes sexually," she said matter of factly. "It doesn't matter to me, any of it. He's my brother and I love him. And you're my friend and that's all I care about."

Bella did look at Alice then. She smiled a little, tentative smile but then she lowered her eyes once more. I turned to Alice and she nodded towards where Bella sat on the loveseat, crying gently, and then I understood what Alice was nodding for.

I took a seat beside Bella and for the first time ever I held her in my arms. She didn't resist and she didn't pull away. She slumped against my shoulder and cried and cried.

I don't know when Alice left because I didn't notice that she had until much later. But if she heard even a small portion of what Bella and I talked about that night she'd never again question the connection this girl and I had had from the very first moment she tapped me on the shoulder in that nightclub.

Once Bella had calmed a little we began to talk it all through. Right from the very beginning. She told me how she'd been drawn to me in the club even though I didn't look like the type she'd normally go for. Too straight she'd laughed.

I told Bella that I'd been drawn to her too but because she was so different to my normal type. They were all dull.

I told her how I'd lived before that night and we both admitted that there had been a spark between us from the very beginning. Under normal circumstances we might have dated, or seen each other a few times to see if that spark was real. But things hadn't gone that way for us. And as we talked it began to become clear exactly how we'd been thwarted.

Every frustration, every new idea that led nowhere, every lie and every heartbreak we admitted to each other.

I held her when she cried. She rubbed my arm or my fingers as I talked. It was just so right. It was so cleansing to just tell her everything. It was so good to just be honest and to have her understand without hours of explanations. She knew why I felt the way I did because she felt it too. We were polar opposites sexually – and in the normal world that would've been a problem, but within the lifestyle it was perfect - but we were totally in sync emotionally too. I felt myself getting more confident about a future with her the longer we talked. She didn't talk in the past tense and she was open and giving and free with her emotions. And for the first time so was I.

I told her how I'd enlisted Jasper and his internet skills to gain entry to the club just so I could find her. I admitted to sitting outside the apartment for months just in case she ever came back.

I told her about how I'd gone about becoming a member, about the subs and doms I'd been with. She told me about the subs she'd been with since that night and whilst I can't honestly say I enjoyed hearing about them I knew that she felt the same as I told her my story. It wasn't like admitting to a lover that you'd cheated. These other people were just experiences we'd both had to have so that when we did find each other again we'd both know for sure who and what we were.

I knew now that had I not become a member I'd never have worked out which side of the fence I'd be willing to stay on. I could be a dominant but I was far more suited to being a submissive. At least with Bella anyway. She'd never been submissive and had never had an inkling to try it. I'd tried both and knew that if Bella wanted to be my dominant full time I'd be a submissive for the rest of my life, and quite happily so.

No decisions were made that night about our future. That wasn't what that first talk was about. I think we both knew that we had so much more to sort out before those sorts of things could be decided. So we spent the time trying to make sense of the stumbling blocks we'd both assumed were coincidently put it front of us, but that were starting to look like engineered obstacles.

She told me about going to her brother as a last resort, hoping he could help her find me. I told her that I'd been searching for her brother for a long time too and that it hadn't been until I'd come to Washington that we'd finally crossed paths.

She told me how Jake had been towards her after their parents had married. That he'd been infatuated with her ever since. That he'd threatened any boy who showed her any attention at school and that by the time she'd worked out for herself that she wanted to be a dominant he began setting up the organisation as a way of keeping tabs on her.

He denied her membership but had a list of almost every player in the state that she was likely to come into contact with. With no membership herself, and the players now having a private club to play in, she had to resort to pickups to keep her brother from interfering. She'd hoped that he'd relent eventually, but he never had. She knew and understood that random hook ups could be dangerous and she'd hoped that Jake would come to see that too. But he'd never given in and she still wasn't a member.

But Jake was more cunning than even I'd given him credit for. He was smart and he knew that keeping her from the club would mean we'd never find each other that way.

He didn't have a profile of her because he was matching her up. He handed it around the clubs she went to so that other saviours could let him know who she was hooking up with. He made sure that the saviours in the area knew who she was, not so she'd be protected, but because it was easier for him to thwart any hook up she managed to make on her own if he had a constant stream of information coming in. The cunning little bastard didn't even need to follow her himself, the saviours did it thinking they were helping the 'boss' protect his sister. The bastard could just look like a worried brother that way.

Bella confirmed that while she told me about the disastrous hook ups she'd made over the years. So many times Jake would show up just as she was leaving with her random 'date'. So many times he'd called her home right when she'd be planning to go out looking for a hook up. He'd used his mother's – Bella's step mothers – kidney disease as his excuse every time. He'd call her and tell her how ill their mother was and she'd go running.

Even though what Jessica had said about Jake had just been her opinion I was starting to think she was be right. Jake was in love with Bella and he was doing everything he could to make sure she stayed alone, and away from me. No other option made sense. As her brother he probably didn't like the sort of life she'd chosen for herself, just as my family hadn't, but he could just as easily have cut her out of his life and left her to it, just like mine had.

But he actively ruined the chances of finding someone every time it looked like she might. He had formed a business specifically designed to stop her being happy. My family might have cut me off, but hers had plotted to keep her unhappy. The only explanation for that was that Jake loved her himself.

I learned that after our first meeting Bella had gone to Jake and had given him as much information about me as she could. My physical description and my cars make and model. She admitted to him that she wanted to try to use my vehicle registration to find me. He told her he hadn't kept the scrap of paper he'd written it down on after she'd called to check in with him after I'd left. And she'd believed him.

She honestly believed that he had spent the last four years helping her search!

Armed with my vehicle registration it would've been easy for Jake to find me. The organisation itself checked every member out and quite extensively too. Bella may not have known how to use that piece of information but Jake did. And he hadn't. That could only have been on purpose. His deceit was clear.

I learned that because she wasn't a member she had no legitimate saviour and that Jakes one concession to her love of the lifestyle was that he'd stand in as her saviour. He made it sound, to her, as though it was a huge favour he was doing her. It was him she'd called that night when we'd first arrived at 6C.

She'd given him my car registration on the phone that night and whilst she couldn't remember it the next day when she began her search she knew her brother had written it down. It's what saviours were bound by protocol to do. But when he said he had thrown it away she'd been left with no other way to trace me. Her search had been as futile as mine.

We'd tried much the same things to try to find one another and neither of us had any success on our own. We'd both tried to get help from loved ones but that hadn't helped either. The one connecting piece of the puzzle was Jake.

Bella didn't want to believe that Jake would do that to her and I understood that. Nobody would want to believe that their own brother would knowingly make them unhappy. She didn't want to believe that he'd plotted and he'd been careful and he'd done exactly as he'd set out to do. He'd kept us apart and had probably known, right from the time I'd joined as a member, who I was and where I could be found. Bella didn't want to believe it, but by the time we'd talked it over and laid everything out on the table she _did_ believe it.

And it hurt her. I was sorry for that and told her so. I told her all about my own brothers and sisters and that even though they'd struggled to understand me they never would – and never have – actively scheme behind my back to keep me unhappy and alone.

I could tell she was frustrated with the situation. She ranted and raved about the times she'd tried to make him see reason. She'd been clear with him so many times. They were brother and sister and nothing more. She told him over and over that she loved him as a sister should and that nothing more would ever develop between them. He reminded her constantly that they were only step siblings and that there was nothing legally that could stop them being together. But no matter how often she told him she didn't feel the same way he always went away believing the only thing in their way was Bella's need to be a dominant. He'd told her so many times that she'd get bored with the lifestyle eventually and that when she did he'd be there waiting for her when she came to her senses.

She didn't know exactly why he'd gone into the business that he had, but she could guess. He wasn't a submissive or a dominant himself and as far as she knew his first foray into it was when she announced to her father and step mother that she herself was a dominant. After that he tried to learn as much as he could about it, got a bit obsessed by it all as Bella put it, and then he began the match up service.

She confirmed that she was in Maine because Jake was there checking out the offices. So that much of his story had been true. But not much else.

It was hard for Bella to come to terms with the fact that it was her own brother that had kept us apart for all this time and I knew that she'd be overloaded and unable to cope with the knowledge that he'd informed me she was dead.

I'd tell her eventually if I couldn't get Jake to admit to it himself.

After all, I had no proof that's what he'd told me. And I might not know too much about the guys character yet I knew enough to know that he'd say I was lying.

When Bella yawned I told her I would leave and let her get some sleep.

I got another tiny sliver of hope to cling on to when she begged me not to leave her again. She told me she'd only just found me and she didn't want me to leave so soon.

So soon? It was four in the morning; we'd been talking for eight hours.

I didn't want to leave either but I didn't want to push her into anything while she was still reeling from the shock of finding me, and me finding her. And with all the bullshit surrounding her brothers deception I knew she was frayed at the edges and in need of comfort.

So I let her snuggle up beside me on the loveseat and when she fell asleep I held her. I watched her and I listened to the amazing sound of her heart beating.

It was the most incredible night of my life, barring the one where I'd first met her. To just hold her was amazing. She was so warm and felt wonderful in my arms. She couldn't know that I hadn't even closed my eyes in all the hours I held her, not yet anyway, but later that morning I did tell her how good it had felt to lay there beside her all night.

She woke with a start at nine and after saying a hasty good morning to me she took off to the back of the house at a run. I was about to follow, thinking something was wrong, when I heard the toilet flush and the shower come one.

She was human. I'd completely forgotten that she was human. I was so comfortable with her, so caught up in just being near her, so able to finally admit to myself that I loved her and wanted her for my mate that I'd forgotten we hadn't gotten that far yet.

I straightened the cushions on the love seat, took her coffee cup to the kitchen and rinsed it and then I sat at the little kitchen table and waited for her to return.

In twenty minutes she was back. Fresh faced – though she looked tired and a little puffy around the eyes from crying half the night – but she was utterly gorgeous and I told her so.

She smiled, really smiled, then set about making us both breakfast.

Overwhelmed with reality was one thing, but being overwhelmed by the supernatural was quite another. So I shut my mouth, despite having told Carlisle I'd tell her what I was, and pretended I wasn't hungry when she asked why I wasn't eating. I moved the pancakes around the plate and when she stood to get herself some juice I hid some of the pieces in my napkin to dispose of later.

We had enough going on without me adding to it with a big revelation.

I would tell her, but the timing had to be right.

Had I known then, dear reader, that not telling her would prove fatal, I would've done it in a heartbeat. Maybe. Probably. But of course, hindsight is always twenty-twenty.

* * *

**A/N: Thank you for reading. And thank you, again, to the haters. You're utterly brilliant. I've changed pieces of this story just to annoy you and I have to say it's been wonderful. It's made the whole thing more frustrating for Edward and a whole lot more emotional for them both. So thanks. And keep the hate mail coming as I've got a few chapters left to write. **

**Thank you for all the lovely support and encouragement from those who are enjoying this little tale. **

**Please review. **


	18. Chapter 18

Alice returned to Bella's house a little after ten that morning and whilst I didn't want to leave I knew I had to give Bella some time to digest all that had gone on during the night.

I wanted to leave her with some assurance that I wanted her, that I thought we could have a future together – at least in the human sense considering I hadn't actually told her that I could offer her eternity as yet – but there wasn't a good time to do it. With Alice already there I didn't want to discuss it and Bella was quiet and contemplative enough as it was. She had a lot to think about, and so did I.

Leaving her with Alice was a good idea and as I hugged my sister for the first time in a year I told her how much I appreciated that she'd come to help Bella through this. Bella wouldn't have heard it but I knew that Alice had because she kissed me on the cheek and squeezed my hand as I hugged her.

"Go home, the boys want a word," she whispered back before releasing me from her hold.

I nodded to show her I'd heard and then I turned to Bella. She was chewing her bottom lip but I had no idea what that meant. I took her hand in mine and rubbed it carefully. I hoped it felt soothing to her because for me, just touching her skin, felt like heaven itself. I wanted to kiss her. For the first time since I'd left her in 6C that night I wanted to kiss someone. But I didn't. We weren't ready for that just yet. "I'll go home for a bit. Shower, change. Is it okay if I come back later?" I asked.

She too rubbed her fingers over mine as she replied, "Don't stay away now," was all she said. But it spoke volumes to me.

She wanted me around. She didn't want me to stay away now that we'd found one another. I totally agreed and told her I would be back in a few hours. I promised her and then I left.

I knew Alice would never let anything happen to her and I didn't know why I felt that anything would, but it made me feel better knowing she was under the Cullen's protection all the same.

I ran home as fast as I could and found my brothers, and father, waiting for me in the drive.

"Are you all right?" Carlisle asked as I neared.

"I think so," I told him truthfully. It had been a hell of a night, and nothing was resolved or decided, but I did feel all right.

"Come inside. Tell us, or don't, but come inside and let us be a part of it?" he asked a little cautiously.

This was his way of absorbing me back into the family and I was grateful. So very grateful. I nodded and he clapped me on the back as we went inside. I'd tell them. Every word that had passed between us I would tell them. And then I'd ask them to help me. I'd beg if needed. Because I didn't want to lose them and I wanted them to know the joy I'd experienced when Bella had touched me and talked to me and had opened herself up to me.

So that is what I did.

I sat in the living room with my family – minus one sister who was at the very same moment talking with my singer – and told them everything that had happened during the night.

And they let me talk. They asked intelligent questions and came to the same conclusion I had.

Jackson 'Jake' Fucking Messop had played me. And Bella. And just as I wanted to know why, the family did too. And they had some interesting, and rather violent, ways to help me find out why.

At this point, my dear readers, I am going to hand you over to my sister.

I know I didn't warn you that this might happen at the start, and I did tell you that it would be me who was going to walk you through my story so that you could help me decide what to do. But, after consultation with Alice, we've both decided that it should be her that tells you what happened in Bella's house that morning.

I could recount it, as Alice recounted it to me, but that would just be third hand hearsay and it would be devoid of the emotion of both girls and therefore not a true account.

Allow me this indulgence?

I feel you'll make a better informed choice reading Alice' account than mine.

**Alice POV**

Edward calls you his 'dear readers' right? Ugh! Such an old fuddy sometimes!

I'm much more modern than him, so I'll call you my peeps. This is going to be so much fun. I bet we end up good friends at the end.

I won't bore you with flowery descriptions like he does, either. You can thank me in your reviews.

I haven't read his account of his sorry assed tale yet, but he says I can when it's finished. I'll steal his journal long before then, but just wanted you to know I haven't read all his self loathing, moaning, whiny tripe yet, just so you know.

Right. I'm only allowed to write this bit because he wasn't there, so I want to make the most of it while I can. He'll leave me out of the rest because he'll be all 'Ooooh Bella'. He thinks he's feelingless but he's not, he's just stupid. But you've prolly worked that out for yourselves by now.

So, Bella's house, Port Angeles. The morning after they finally found each other. And I know I don't have to ask for your praise for that. He'd have told you the truth about it. So I know he'd have told you that it was me who got them together again. I might ask him for a yellow Porsche as thanks, haven't decided yet.

So there we were, the three of us, in the living room at Bella's. He hugged me – which was nice because I'd missed it so much – and he thanked me for coming to be with Bella.

He didn't need to because I'd have come anyway. She was my friend. I really liked her. She was interesting and she was feisty and she'd told me over and over how unhappy she'd been since meeting and losing track of her 'mystery holiday guy'.

I never twigged that it was my brother and because Edward had kept us all out of the loop it had taken much longer to work it out than it had needed to.

But if the meeting I'd seen the night before was anything to go off they were meant for each other. Apart from the singer thing of course. He loved her and I'd seen it on his face when he'd told us he believed her to be dead.

She loved him too. She'd told me over and over. I didn't know how she could because they'd only had about an hour and a half in each other's company, but she'd come home to Washington after that one meeting in love with him and that had been that for her.

Bella hugged me once Edward had left to go home and once she'd gotten a grip on herself we settled down to talk about it all.

I let her make me a coffee, which I always found hard to ditch, and then we settled in the living room. I got the formalities out of the way right away. Was she all right? Had he treated her well? Had he kept his hands to himself? That kind of thing.

She was a talker. Had been since the day I'd met her. Which had happened by complete chance. From that very first meeting between us she'd always opened up and told me about the things that were going on for her. I liked that because they were things that didn't happen to me being a vampire.

She liked to shop and we went together often. She loved cafes and to people watch. When I did that I creeped people out, so I liked listening to the things she'd tell me about the people she'd watch. Normal things, but astute observations too. She knew people. She could read them really well. And she picked up on details that others missed. Maybe that's why she fell for Edward so easily? She'd seen something in him and she'd liked it. Maybe she had picked up on his vampiric side and had found it appealing? I didn't know.

I had always wondered if she knew I wasn't exactly human. She never said anything and I'd never hinted nor told her outright, but I did wonder.

I knew, from my Jasper, that Edward was going to tell her what he was, and by extension what we were, so that's what I thought she'd want to talk about that morning.

But I was wrong.

As soon as I asked if he'd been a gentleman she burst into tears!

I rushed to her and held her. I had no idea what her tears meant. I let her cry for a little bit then asked her what was wrong.

She sniffed into her tissue, "He's exactly as I remember him," she sobbed. "He was so sweet and kind and we talked and I guess, I don't know, I guess I've never had that before."

It was laughable. My brother? Sweet and kind and a talker? Yeah right. Fuck em' and chuck em'. That's what he usually thought and what he usually did. He'd done it the entire century I'd known him, and probably before that too. And yet, this girl had gotten him to talk.

"Is that a bad thing then?" I asked. "That you two talked?"

She shook her head but said yes. Weird, humans were weird. "It's not, but it is too. Oh I don't know. Oh Alice, we talked for hours and hours and everything is all out in the open but he never once asked me what now!"

Then I got it.

They'd talked, sure, but they hadn't gotten on to what they were going to do now they'd found one another. He was an idiot! He should've stalked into her house, swept her off her feet, thrown me to the curb and claimed her as his mate.

He does everything ass about. In all the wrong order.

"He's a guy, Bella," I told her, stating the obvious. "And he's a giant douche," I muttered so low she wouldn't have heard it. "Feelings aren't his strong point, and not because he's a dominant or a submissive or whatever he is, but because he's a guy," I laughed.

"But I've looked for him for so long," she hiccupped, "And I had this idea of how our first meeting was going to go and it just wasn't that way."

"He probably did too you know. He would've had an image in his head of what he'd say and what he'd do. But I watched you two on the porch last night. You were both so shocked to just be standing in front of one another again I don't think you should read too much into his first reactions," I told her as reassuringly as I could.

"But I'm a dominant. I don't do tears. I don't do this!" she shrieked. "He's got me so wound up, so confused, I don't know what I think anymore!"

"But you've never stood in front of the one you love before either, have you?" I asked and she grinned and agreed she hadn't. "He's the same," I told her though I didn't know anything of the sort. "He'll be at home right now with our brothers and he'd be telling them exactly the same things you're telling me now." Of that I was sure. I'd seen the relief in his face when we'd all said we'd help him through this. He wanted to be with us he just needed us to cut him some slack about his sex life. I was okay with that but had been voted against whenever the topic had come up before. But not now, now everyone could see for themselves how happy this girl was going to make him. So I knew that he'd be at the house spilling his guts and trying to work out why he didn't just claim her last night.

"Do you think so?" Bella asked cautiously. I nodded, I was sure. "He will come back later won't he?"

She seemed so scared then. Scared that he'd back out probably. But I knew Edward; he had searched for this girl. He'd isolated himself from the family for this girl. He'd been willing to give us all up just to be with her. He'd been willing to die for her.

"He will. I swear to you he will," I told her as I patted her back carefully. "Look, this love thing is new to Edward too. He's never been in love before and you shook him up. He's spent years looking for you and now that he has his heads in a spin, just like yours. But he's got all of us to bounce off; who are you going to turn to?"

Her brows creased then as she thought about it. "I don't know. I can't tell my brother and I can't tell my dad. I mean, I can tell my dad that I finally found someone, but I can't tell him how we met or anything about searching for each other. He hates what I am. But my brother, argh, no way."

Jasper had filled me in on the brother. He described him as a sleaze and if Jasper called him that then that's what he was. I didn't have the full story about the brother yet but I knew enough to know that he wasn't going to be any good for Bella to talk to about all this. So that left me. I could do this for her.

"You've got me," I reminded her. "And don't forget, I've got an 'in' with this guy," I giggled.

She laughed too and I was pleased that I'd managed to lighten the mood even just a little. "Yeah, you do. And thanks Alice. Sorry I've been so weepy," she said as she dried her eyes for the tenth time.

"Nah, nothing to be sorry for. We all need a good cry now and then, seems reasonable to need a good cry when prince charming arrives but doesn't exactly sweep you off your feet," I laughed. I was never going to actually cry in front of her but it wasn't my place to tell her that. Once Edward had told her what he was then I could, but not yet. As her mate it was his right to be the one who told her.

She twittered adorably and got to her feet. "Maybe I should go sweep him off his?" she laughed as she took the coffee cups into the kitchen. "I mean, I'm the dominant after all."

I figured that was the opening she needed to explain to me what and who she was so I took the obvious bait and we spent the next hour and a half talking about that side of her life. It helped me see Edward more clearly and I was grateful for that. But it also showed me just how much we'd let him down.

Listening to Bella tell me about her own struggle with her sexuality was hard. The stigma attached to what she wanted in the bedroom made it hard for her to find partners and that wasn't helped by the fact that her dad was the law in the area. And not just a regular cop, but the Chief of Police. Couldn't have been easy growing up with that being common knowledge and even more difficult when it came to dating as a young woman. No guy would want to date her for fear of her dad and from what she told me her brother had taken up the gauntlet himself once she began to get involved in the lifestyle.

I didn't like this guy Jake. He sounded controlling – even more controlling than the dominant role Bella had just described to me – and not in a good way. She explained how she'd always thought he was looking out for her by not allowing her a membership but that after talking with Edward the night before she'd come to see how he'd actually been hindering her attempts to find happiness.

I agreed but didn't say much as she talked about Jake. I didn't want to come across as though I had it in for him even though by that stage I kinda did.

It was becoming clear that if these two had a chance then someone had to set Jake straight.

I got a chance to see Jake was about for myself when her doorbell rang.

"I'll get it, you put the kettle back on," Bella trilled as she skipped off towards the front door. I busied myself with the kettle as asked but listened for who could be visiting my friend. It wasn't Edward, I knew his scent, and this was a new one. "Hi Jake, um now's not a good time, I've got a friend over," I heard Bella say quietly.

It struck me as interesting that she didn't tell him exactly who I was.

This scent I needed to smell for myself and I needed to get a look at the guy so I went down the short hall and told Bella that it was fine, that I'd go to the bathroom while she caught up with her visitor.

Bella didn't introduce me and I was pleased about that. Didn't want the enemy knowing who I was until I wanted him to after all. I held the bathroom door ajar and listened to the hushed conversation held in the living room between brother and sister.

"I've been calling you for hours," Jake hissed at Bella.

"I turned my cell off last night, I was busy," she hissed right back at him.

"You know you aren't supposed to turn it off," he scolded, like she was a child. "What if whoever you were with was a nutter?" he all but shouted at her.

"I wasn't with a hook up Jake, god," Bella huffed.

"Well who were you with then? I drove past and your lights were on so I know you were here," he said and it made the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. Why would he drive past? Had Edward and I been here then, or just Edward after I left?

"It's none of your business Jake!" Bella seethed through gritted teeth.

It was obvious they were keeping their voices down so I didn't hear, but of course I could hear every word.

"It is my business. I'm your brother. If you're picking up randoms again you should've told me." He was all but yelling at her now. I heard his footsteps and then a small squeak from Bella. I couldn't see them but I could guess that he'd either grabbed her or pushed her. "Are you fucking lying to me again?" he hissed.

Another squeak and then more footsteps. Bella had either gotten herself out of his grasp or he'd let her go. The former, rather than the latter I thought judging by the way Bella generally handled herself. Apart from her emotional state this morning she'd always struck me as someone who could look after herself. Besides, she manhandled men for a hobby.

"Step brother," she corrected. "It isn't any of your business and I haven't lied to you. I haven't been with anyone, god. Why are you like this?" she asked.

I flushed the toilet without using it obviously and they fell silent a moment.

"If you're screwing someone you have to tell me. It's not safe without me knowing," he whispered and I thought just how creepy that statement really was. He wasn't protecting her; he was spying on her, controlling her, keeping her from Edward.

I turned the bathroom sink on as though I was washing my hands and then went out into the living room to join them. They were standing with the coffee table between them but the fake smile the guy had on his face made my venom come on.

"Hey, who's your friend, Bell's," I said cheerily, using the first nickname I could come up with that would tell Jake that we were friends. Good friends.

"Um, this is my step brother Jake. Jake this is my friend Alice," Bella played along nicely by coming to stand by me. A good show of solidarity I thought. And odd that she hadn't said I was the sister of the guy she was seeing. Whatever had been said between Bella and Edward last night had included talk of Jake. If that included talk of how he'd schemed to keep them apart, and hearing for myself how angry he was with the idea that she was seeing anyone, I thought that was a pretty smart detail for her to leave out.

"Hi Jake," I said with a grin plastered on my face as best I could.

"Nice to meet you Alice," he said dryly and flashed a concerned look at Bella. "I've gotta go, sis. Next time you feel like going to the club you call me first, yeah?" he nodded towards Bella then turned to me. "Can't be too careful these days. Lots of crazies out there."

Bella showed him to the door and he left without another word passing between them. She returned to the living room but she had a fierce scowl on her face when she did.

"He's such an asshole," she muttered as she went into the kitchen. I followed. "He thinks he's doing me this huge favour. He's bloody not! He doesn't want me seeing anyone at all."

"Any idea why that is?" I asked innocently.

She scoffed, "Yeah, because he's an asshole," she laughed.

"Amen sister," I agreed. "I've got two brothers and they're all assholes at times. But I've never had one bother me about who I was seeing," I added as innocently as I could.

I hoped she'd take the bait and she did. With another coffee each she told me all about her step brother Jake and the weird, controlling things he'd done to her over the years to keep her single.

"He beat a guy up once. I was about sixteen I think, it was ages before I got into the lifestyle anyway. We were on a date and he'd taken me to the movies. Jake turned up and sat two or three rows behind us. I hadn't seen him but he sure saw us. He waited until the next day at school then beat the hell out of that guy because he'd touched his sister," she told me then sipped her coffee thoughtfully. "That's how it started," she mused. "He started bullying the guys I liked. He'd harass them at school and then after he'd left school himself he started following me when I went on dates. I had an idea what I was going to be by then so I didn't much care because the guys I'd been dating were a bit um, vanilla," she giggled. "A few months after he'd seen the last guy off I decided I'd try and find someone who could be my opposite. He caught me a few times in a few interesting situations and eventually he decided he'd start that stupid business. At the time I thought it was a great idea. I'd told him everything I could about how I'd met others like me so he had a good idea what to do, but I was stupid, I helped him set it up thinking he was doing it to help me. But he wasn't. I see that now. He let me help him keep me unhappy."

Her voice trailed off at the end and my heart broke a little bit for her. It had been a shitty thing for a brother to do. To make it look like he was helping her and then denies her access to those who might have made her happy.

But I could see the silver lining in things others missed, so I told her what I thought about that from my point of view. "Might have screwed himself over on that," I giggled. "Think about it. He sets up this business and then doesn't let you become a member thinking it will stop you being able to find someone like you, and at first I agree that's what it did. But...if he'd let you become a member you might have found someone that wasn't Edward."

I let that hang in the air for a minute or two and knew I'd hit my mark when she began to smile. "Yeah. Stupid fucker," she giggled. "I never would've met Edward if I'd been a member because I'd have been in the private room that night myself. Ha! He's an asshole and an idiot," she crowed.

I knew our time was running out because Edward was likely to come back at any time so I had to ask as many questions as I could before he broke up our party. "Can I ask you something?" I hedged. She nodded, so I did. "Did you see others while you were searching for Edward?"

Her face fell then and I wondered if it had been wise to bring it up. But she was going to find out about Edward's escapades because I knew he'd tell her himself, and I really wanted to know her answer for myself.

"Yeah, I did," she admitted sadly. "Not at first though. I was flying back here the morning after I met Edward so I was coming home to heaps of work. I'd been in Maine for two weeks so I had a full inbox when I got back here. And that kept me pretty busy, and my mind off that, for a bit." She sipped her coffee again but I knew that wasn't the end of it. She wanted to tell me it all and I wanted to hear it. "And the whole time I searched for your brother I was alone. I mean, I couldn't get him out of my head, so going with someone else just felt wrong. But after about a year I was just so lonely. And Jake was weirder than ever now that I think about it. I think he might have been pleased I wasn't hooking up. Maybe he thought I'd give it all away. I don't know. Anyway, I never stopped searching in my head, but once I'd exhausted every avenue I could think of there was just no way to find him and I gave up physically looking. I started going back to the clubs. Just to meet people at first. But eventually I did hook up and yeah, I did go back to the lifestyle."

"Nobody would blame you for that you know," I told her softly.

"I know. And I know Edward was with others, if that's what you're getting at. We talked about it last night. We're good with all that. I wouldn't have wanted him lonely anyway," she said very generously I thought.

I was so happy that Edward had been honest about it with her and that she'd told him her side too. It was a good start, I thought. "Can I ask another one?" I giggled.

"Sure," she grinned.

"How would it work?" I asked.

"How would what work?" she giggled. She was going to make me say it. Arrrghhhh!

"Fine," I huffed playfully. "You're a dominant, my brother is a submissive, so how would a relationship work?" I asked quickly, wanting the words out there so I didn't have them in my head anymore.

She laughed then, really laughed. "They're called pets," she laughed. "I'm the dominant so your brother would become my pet."

"God," I huffed.

"Yeah. Sounds awful, I know. But that's what they're called," she shrugged. "And I don't know how it would work, I've never done it and neither has he. I guess we'll learn together, if he wants to try," she added sadly on the end.

"He'll want to," I assured her and she smiled again. I could smell Edward outside by then so I knew my time was up. I needed to talk to him briefly before he came in so I stood and put my still full coffee cup into the sink. "Listen Bella, when Edward gets here would you mind if I had a private word with him before he comes in? I won't tell him what we've talked about; I just want to see where he's at himself. Is that weird?" I asked.

She smiled, "nope, sounds pretty normal to me. Must be nice to be so close to your brother," she trailed off wistfully. "I'll go hang some laundry out when he gets here."

I told her thanks, excused myself to the bathroom once again so that Edward could approach and it would look like coincidence. Plus it would give them a minute to say hello and stare into each other's eyes – blerrrgggghhh – before I took him back outside. I heard the door bell ring and I heard Bella's footsteps as she went to answer it.

"Bella," Edward whispered as though he'd been apart from her for a year instead of three lousy hours.

Bella was silent, which could've been a good thing if she was struck dumb like he had been the night before. Or it could've been a bad thing so I flushed that stupid human toilet again, turned the taps on and off and hightailed it to the hall.

Yep. There they were. Just staring at each other. Did I mention blerrrgggghhhh?

He was grinning like an idiot, which he was, and she was grinning like a girl in love.

"Hey Ed," I said, knowing how much he hated that name. He threw me the evil eye and I poked my tongue out at me. "Bella's got a couple of chores to do so why don't you join me on the porch for a few?" I sort of asked him, all the while pushing him backwards through the front door. "We'll just be ten minutes," I whispered to Bella, for her benefit because Edward would hear it too.

She nodded, shut the door on us and when I heard her footsteps retreat to the back of the little house I turned my brother around and led him to the porch steps. We sat, side by side.

And this is where I leave you, my peeps.

He can tell you the rest on his own. But just remember, he's an idiot. And idiot in love which makes him a double idiot who can't think straight.

Thanks for listening and I hope we get a chance to talk again soon.

Alice Cullen,

Sister Extraordinaire, All Round Great Friend, Vampire Goddess, Shopping Aficionado and thought of world wide as somewhat of a genius.

xxxxx

* * *

**A/N: Thank you for reading. **

**A quick question, if I may, for those who are taking this story seriously. Any objections to hearing from Bella nearer to the end regarding her thoughts on Edward, and their journey?**

**Let me know, please. **

**Please review. **


	19. Chapter 19

I hope my sister hasn't totally turned you off me, dear reader. She can be a little intense sometimes.

I'll assume you're still reading.

Alice ushered me outside and we sat on Bella's front steps. The whole place reeked of Jake and I didn't like it. It made my venom pool in my mouth and made my anger rise to the surface.

I asked Alice why he'd been there, and I knew he had been there recently because his scent was so strong, and she gave me a few details about his impromptu visit.

She told me that wasn't what was important right then and that I should hear the rest because we only had ten minutes.

She hastily told me all the important bits of her conversation with Bella during the morning but said she'd fill me in on every word she could remember when I got home.

She'd come to the same conclusion as the rest of the family had. Jake was a bastard and for whatever reason he'd kept Bella and I apart on purpose. Alice agreed that it was more than likely that Jake was in love with Bella, and had been since his teenage years, and that Bella had known that for quite a while.

We talked a little bit more about what had been said when Jake had turned up and how it was relevant to what I wanted to talk to Bella about now and a little bit about how upset Bella had been that we hadn't yet discussed our future.

I assured Alice that we would talk about that when the time was right. I didn't know when that would be, but promised I would make it clearer to Bella that I wanted her. Alice seemed concerned that Bella didn't believe this yet.

She also asked how much longer I was going to keep from Bella what I really was.

I told my sister that I needed to make sure that Bella and I could make a relationship work, and were both on the same page as regards being willing to try it, before I divulged that. She disagreed but told me to do what I thought was right. She'd support however it was I wanted to do it.

She wished me all luck, I hugged her, she held me tight, and then she left.

I took one more minute to steady myself before I knocked on the door for the second time. I'd only managed to squeak out her name the last time and wanted to be a little less dumbstruck and a bit more assertive the second time around.

When she answered the door this time I was ready. I smiled, reached for her hand and brought it to my mouth as quickly as I could. While I kissed her palm I sniffed her scent and drank it in with abandon. Nothing, nothing would ever smell like this to me again, just as nothing had ever affected me as her scent had before.

I whispered her name as I dropped her hand and she smiled the most amazing smile for me. I felt just like I had in 6C that first time. Elated that I'd earned that smile. I'd pleased her. Only this time I'd not only pleased my dominant, but also my mate.

"Come in," she offered and I followed her back into the living room.

She offered me coffee, or tea, or whatever else she had, but I declined and asked her to join me on the loveseat. She didn't hesitate. I was nervous but not as much as I had been the night before. Her heart rate was a little elevated, but not as much as it had been during that first visit.

If I had to guess I'd say we were just excited to be in one another's company again.

"Are you well?" I asked. To you, dear reader, it would seem a silly question. But it's what vampires did. After any separation from their mates they asked if they were well. I don't know what made me ask, I never had before, but I asked anyway.

"I am, I really am," she beamed and my gut clenched. She was so fucking beautiful! I wanted to pull her to me. I wanted her to pull me to her. Christ, I didn't know what I wanted but I knew it had to involve physical contact. "Are you okay?" she asked a little hesitantly.

I did reach for her then, but just her hand. I held it between mine and rubbed carefully across the back of it as we talked. "I am. I've talked to my family and I think they might be a little closer to understanding what I am now."

She nodded, "That's a good thing. You'll need their understanding and their support."

I decided to jump right in. We needed to have this particular conversation and figured now was as good a time as any. "I will, but I'm hoping that _we_ will too," I said pointedly.

Her eyes widened at that and she tilted her head to one side while she thought about what I'd said. "We?" she asked cautiously. "Will there be a we then?"

I couldn't help but grin. It was probably a stupid, idiotic grin, but I couldn't help it. She was asking me if I wanted her? It was almost comical. "Yes, Bella, if you want there to be a 'we' then there will be. I'm all in. Any way you'll have me. I'm in."

I was rambling and I was aware of it but I didn't give a shit.

"I do want you. I do," she beamed. "I've waited so long," she choked. "So I'm all in too."

She did pull me to her then. Bodily even though she'd never be able to manage it had I not wanted to go. But I did. So badly. So when she reached for me – via the front of my shirt just as she had in the club that first time – I went willingly.

The kiss was hesitant at first. We'd only shared the most platonic of kisses up until then but we soon found our feet so to speak. As I'd hoped Bella's true nature came to the fore and before long she was clutching at me, pulling me harder up against her. I wanted to take her, to thrust my tongue into her mouth and claim her, but she was the dominant and I wanted her to be able to be that.

It might not have been that about her that had drawn me to her in the first place – that had been her scent and her arrogance and confidence – but once I'd had a taste of her dominant nature it's all I'd craved for years. I wanted it now.

I was nervous to do what I was about to attempt, but I knew, if we were to have a future, that I had to do it. I put my hands lightly on her shoulders and pushed her away from me.

She was pouting adorably when I broke the kiss and her eyes told me she was confused as to why I'd done it. But I wouldn't leave her confused for long.

I stood from the loveseat and made my way to the centre of the room. I'd never done this before. I'd never said these words to anyone except members of my family, and I was nervous. My voice began shakily but once her facial expression began to change I grew in confidence myself.

"I love you Bella. I've never loved anyone before, but I love you. I have since the instant we met. You were my first dominant and I've searched for you all these years. I want you, more than I've ever wanted anyone before or since, but I don't want either of us to have to be something we aren't. You're a dominant, I'm a submissive. I need that. I know you do too. So if we're going to do this that's how it has to be, or not at all."

I hadn't come this far just to throw all that away now. She'd been the one to awaken my true sexual desire and it needed to be her that either fed it, or denied it.

The pout was the first thing about her features I noticed leave. The next was her nervousness. Her heartbeat steadied as she allowed her dominant nature take her over. As I spoke her brows arched and her face took on the same impassive arrogance I'd first seen in 6C and I got hard. So fucking hard. I watched in fascination as she turned into the dominant I knew she was. She was breathtaking.

She stood then. She looked me over from head to toe just as she'd done that first time. She circled me as though I were her prey and my god; the rush of venom laced euphoria I experienced when she slapped my ass was so intoxicating I almost came where I stood!

She came to face me once again and as she did she wound her fingers into my hair at the nape of my neck. As she'd done that first night she got up onto her toes and breathed heavily into my ear. "I love you too, Edward," she whispered. "You're the first and only sub I've ever truly wanted to care for and I want you to be the last. I want to be your dom. Permanently." She let that snippet of information hang in the air as she circled me once again. Another slap to my ass had me panting like the dog she wanted me to be. Another half circle and she got onto her toes to purr into my other ear. "I know nothing about you. I don't know what you do for a living; I don't know where you live. I don't know how old you are or what your middle name is. But I do know this. If you agree you will never touch another dominant again. Only me. Nod if you agree." You better fucking believe I nodded, I nodded hard. "Good, good," she whispered, her voice choking a little in what I hoped was relief. "I swear to you, as your dominant, that I will never touch another submissive. Ever. I swear to you that I will take care of you. I swear to you that I will give you what you need." She circled me yet again and I watched her lithe body as it came into my view and then as it retreated. Her confidence was back but the coolness in her voice had been replaced by conviction and love. I could hear the difference. She wanted me like I wanted her. Forever. And she had pledged her loyalty to me and I to her.

There was no greater bond between a dominant and her submissive and even though I hated the word I was happy to be her pet. And more so than that I was happy. Just plain happy. For the first time in my existence, standing there being appraised by my dominant master, I was truly happy.

And then the spell was broken.

Bella was laughing. Really laughing. Hunched over, clutching her belly laughing. I had no idea why and just as I was about to lose my shit – thinking she'd been toying with me and that this was all an enormous joke – she straightened and told me what was so funny.

"I don't have anything here," she snorted. "Nothing!"

I didn't get it. "What are you on about?" I begged.

"I don't have anything in the house, Edward. I don't 'play' here. No rope, no cord, nothing," she bellowed.

And then I was laughing too. "Four fucking years," I chortled, "I've waited for this moment for four years and it's finally here and we've got nothing to play with!" It was funny. It was laughable. And it was so very 'us'. I toyed with the idea of just having ordinary sex with her, no toys or cords or collars, but it wasn't for me. It wouldn't be the same and it wouldn't be what either of us needed. And then I had a solution. "I've got some things, at home," I admitted.

"Then go," she laughed as she pointed to the front door. "But hurry back!" she all but yelled.

I pulled her to me, kissed her lips and then ran as fast as I could go towards home. I'd been given my instructions and I intended to follow them to the letter. I reached the house in twenty minutes, a new personal best, and flew in the back door up the stairs and into my room in a blur. I called to whoever was in the house that it was me, that I was just coming for some stuff and that I'd return later, hopefully with Bella in tow.

I got an excited yelp from Esme and another one from Alice but nothing from anyone else. They were all probably out.

I found my duffel bag, with its contents still intact, and slung it across my back.

I called out my goodbye and fled out the backdoor and back into the forest as fast as I could go. It wasn't comfortable, running at full tilt with a hard on, but I managed.

I smelled the fucker as I approached the street and my suspicions were confirmed when I saw the vehicle in her drive. I didn't know from anything other than scent that it was Jakes car, but scent was enough. It had never let me down before – if you discounted my brain overriding Jessica's scent that night – and I knew who I was going to see inside that house.

I dropped the duffel bag at the foot of the front steps and approached cautiously. I didn't trust this mongrel one bit. Nothing I'd learned about him in the past few days made me think this was a friendly brotherly visit.

Alice had told me how he'd spoken to her this morning and now that I was likely going to confront him my venom was flowing and I was eager to make him see, once and for all, that she was never going to be his.

She might not be fully mine yet, but she was never going to be his.

Their conversation was spoken in hushed tones as I approached the door and then I heard her whimper. Bella didn't whimper.

I took my cell out of my pocket and dialled the house and when it connected I whispered for Esme to get everyone together and to get them to Bella's as fast as she could. I told her Bella's brother was hurting her and then I disconnected before she could ask me anything. She'd know that I needed help and she'd alert the others. I was confident they'd show up as I went back down the stairs, pushed my duffel bag under the steps out of sight then made my way around the back.

They were in the kitchen and I could see them clearly through the window in the laundry room.

Bella was sitting in the same kitchen chair she'd occupied this morning as she'd eaten her pancakes and Jake was standing directly behind her. Her head was tilted back because he had a hank of her hair in his hand.

"You dirty, filthy little whore," he all but spat into her shocked face. "You were with him, I fucking saw you!"

He let her hair go but started stalking around the little room. He was furious. His scent was rank with it. It oozed from his pores and I could smell it as it forced its way out under the back door and through the window where it was cracked open slightly.

My venom was flowing by then. Dripping from my canines. My fists were balled at my sides but I knew I couldn't go in there without the family with me. I'd kill him and with it any chance I had of a future with Bella.

So I stood there and waited and hoped they'd come.

The house phone rang then. Jake stiffened and Bella startled. "Tell whoever it is to fuck off," Jake sneered as Bella got up from the table.

"Hello," she said dully. "Oh hey. Um, I've got Jake here but sure, come on over," she said shakily. I could clearly hear Alice' voice on the line. 'I'm on my way. Edward is there, look outside if you can. He won't let anything happen to you. Just stay calm,' my sister said letting Bella know she wouldn't be alone with Jake for very long. "Thanks for letting me know," Bella said and looked hesitantly around for where I could be. I let her spot me at the window and she winked at me. "I'm taking care of that, but come over to drop that off real quick because I'm going out soon," she told my sister ingeniously.

And what she'd said was ingenious. It let Alice know that she needed us to come quickly. It let me and Alice know that she was in control of the situation so far and it let Jake know that someone was coming over and he was going to need to leave.

Alice' own words told me that she'd understood my message to come. Thank god my sister had thought of this I thought as I watched Jake twitch and shake in anger. Bella replaced the phone and told Jake that a friend from work was coming over to drop some paperwork to her.

"Another guy?" he bellowed as he approached her. "Someone else you've been fucking?"

"I haven't been with anyone," Bella said softly as she rubbed at the back of her neck where her hair had been yanked. She didn't look frightened and I remember feeling so proud of her.

"I fucking saw you!" he bellowed again. "I'm not fucking stupid Bella. I told you I came by last night and you had a guy here, in the fucking house!"

"Who do you think I was with?" she asked less than innocently. She knew who, of course, but it was though she wanted him to confirm it for her. She was baiting him. She wanted to hear it from his own mouth that he knew who I was. She wanted him to out himself, without either of us having to call him on it, and like the stupid fucker he was he fell for it.

"Cullen," he sneered. "I know you've found him. I know you've been with him. I saw you together. I know that 'friend' you had here this morning is his fucking sister, Bella." He paced around the room clenching and unclenching his fists rhythmically.

"His name's Edward," Bella said but didn't turn to look at him. "And his sister is Alice," she told him defiantly as she retook her place at the table.

"I don't fucking care!" he roared, making Bella shrink into the chair in fear. Even when I'd seen him pulling on her hair she hadn't looked scared. She did now and I desperately wanted to go in there and kill the fucker who made her feel that way. I moved towards the back door and as I did Bella's eyes found me. She gave a slight shake of her head and I stayed put. She might have looked afraid, but she wasn't. I had to trust her to handle this a bit longer. "You fucking lied to me! You told me you hadn't been with anyone but you have been, haven't you? You've been fucking him here, in MY house. You brought that filthy bastard into MY house and led him around with your disgusting collar, didn't you? You brought that fucking pervert into MY house and you let him fuck you in MY bed."

This was news to me. Was it his house? I didn't bother trying to work out the rest of his statement. He was sure we'd been fucking, no point setting him straight because if there'd been anything to play with in HIS house we would've actually done it.

"He's not a pervert and I haven't fucked anyone!" Bella retorted with equal parts defiance and anger. What fear she did have subsided and I was once again amazed at her strength. "This isn't your fucking house either. I inherited it from MY mother."

He rounded on her then and strode to where she sat. He dragged her from the seat and held her up until she'd gotten her balance and then he slapped her across the face. "She was MY mother you fucking whore. She left this house to you because you fooled and charmed her with your lies. It should've been mine."

Bella wiped the tiny droplet of blood from the corner of her mouth and looked right at me at the backdoor. Jake had retreated as though he was shocked by what he'd done. Bella took her chance where she saw it and while Jake was stunned she held her hand up to me, palm facing me, shook her head at me and then put her clean finger to her lips and I knew what that meant. She wanted to hear his lies and she wanted me to hear them too. She was on this. She was all over it and she didn't need me storming in to save her ass.

The scent of her spilled blood hit my nose at the same time that she looked down at her now smeared finger and grinned. That cunning, self confident grin I knew and loved so well settled on her beautiful face and then she put that finger into her mouth and sucked the blood off.

I am not ashamed to admit that I got hard then. Watching her defiantly stand up to this guy, sucking blood off her own fingertip, I was hard and I wanted her more than I had before if it was possible. It was all I could do to make myself stay put a little longer. I flicked my eyes to the clock on the wall in the kitchen and gave the family another two minutes to arrive, if they weren't here by then I was going in and fuck the consequences.

The rebelliousness on her face was utterly magnificent as she confronted Jake. "I didn't charm her," she said with so much confidence I believed her even though I had no idea what had gone on with the mother. "I loved her. Love Jake. True love. Good and honest love between a daughter and a mother. I loved her and cared for her and when she got sick I stayed and I took care of her. I nursed her while you were off building your business. I fed her when she couldn't lift a spoon for herself. I wiped her ass when she couldn't do it herself. I bathed her and talked to her and you never bothered," she hissed. "_That's_ why she left me this house. Because she loved me and because I took care of her when you couldn't be bothered."

He wasn't having it. He was shaking his head before she'd even finished the statement. "You're a fucking liar!" he roared. "Your whole life is a lie! You guilted MY mother into leaving you this house so you'd have somewhere to bring the perverts and deviants you like to fuck so much."

Bella was still standing her ground. I knew she was a little frightened because her heart was really flying and her scent was flooded with that fear, but she stood up to him again none the less. "If I'm such a whore why do you want me, Jake?" she asked with that same haughty sneer I loved so much. "Huh? Come on; lay your cards on the table Jake. If you've done all this, and I know now what you've done," she hissed and poked him in the chest, "If you did all this because you think you love me, why would you want me if I'm a whore in your eyes?"

I knew she needed to hear it all from his own lips but even I could see that she might have gone too far. Jake lunged for her, but she was quick and she sidestepped him easily.

If the family hadn't arrived then I'd have gone in and killed him. But they did. They came through the trees at the back of the house and joined me in silence at the laundry room window.

"Whose blood is that?" Emmett whispered and nodded toward the seal at the backdoor where the scent was coming from.

"Hers," I hissed.

"What's his deal?" Jasper asked as he cracked his neck and prepared for the fight we were all sure was coming.

"Listen," I told them all. "She's handling it. Unless he raises his hand to her again we let her deal with him."

Alice was beside me now, her hand in mine, squeezing it rhythmically. "I'll knock on the front door when you say," she told me.

"Go now, Alice," I told my sister who shot off round to the front of the house. I didn't want to wait. I wanted everyone where they needed to be because I knew how quickly things could get out of control. "Emmett, Rose, Jasper, you go with her. When I call you take him, we'll get Bella." They didn't need to be told twice and the trio shot off hot on the heels of Alice. I turned to my parents. "If it comes to it take Bella and run," I told them and they both nodded their agreement.

We stayed where we were, but the three of us and no doubt the four at the front of the house, were on tenterhooks while the fight inside continued.

"Come on Jake, tell me, finally just tell me," Bella shouted as he righted himself and turned to face her.

"Because you're mine," he seethed and took a step closer to him. "Because I've fucking loved you my whole life and you want EVERYONE but me!" he bellowed. "You pick up losers and let them fuck you when you could have love with me."

She laughed then. "Love? With you?" she laughed again. "You don't know what it means! You knew I wanted to find Edward, you knew I was in love with him. You told me you were helping me search but you never did! How can someone who lies to me love me?" she screeched.

He sneered back at her then and I and my parents looked right into the face of evil. "I might have lied to you, but so did he," he hissed. "He's been fucking everything that walks, Bella. He went through every dominant on my books in the east and then he started on the subs. Did he tell you that? I bet he fucking didn't. He didn't pine away for you like you think he did," he chuckled, thinking she didn't already know what I'd done. He kept walking towards her, his eyes blazing his anger. "But I knew he was a piece of shit, how could he not be, letting you pick him up in a nightclub and letting you tie him up like that. At least with me you'd have normal sex," he laughed.

She ignored the insults about me like I was hoping she would. "But I don't want normal sex," Bella bellowed. "And I don't want any sex at all with you, Jake."

"You don't know that until you give me a chance," he simpered. He was so obnoxious I saw Bella shiver from head to toe at the thought of it.

"I don't want you, Jake, I want Edward," she insisted with a clear voice, "And he wants me too. He's told me himself."

"He's got a girlfriend. Did he tell you that? Jessica Stanley. You know Jessica, right? Felix told me he strode into the club two nights ago and dragged her out of there in a _collar_. You like collaring them, right? Well your precious Edward will take the collar for anyone and everyone." As soon as he'd said it Bella's face crumpled. "Oh, you didn't know? He reinstated his membership the day before. Came to see me personally. Told me he was sick of trying to find you and he was going to settle down as a dominant with Jessica." I hadn't had a chance to talk to her about any of this and I knew then that Jake knew far more about me than I did about him. And he was going to use all of it even if he twisted it into lies and half truths he'd use it. "Oh yeah, been with her since the day he arrived in Washington. Fell in love with her more than likely."

I watched Bella shake her head in slow motion. Her eyes filled with tears and Jake began to smile. He'd hit his mark. He'd picked just the right thing to say to make Bella mistrust her own knowledge of me. What Jake had said wasn't exactly a lie, I had been dating Jessica, but the rest was bullshit and I knew from the look on Bella's face that she believed him. "It's not true," she whispered.

"Oh it is. Felix told me himself. He's seen them at the club rooms together a lot lately. I guess Edward's decided he's a better dominant than he is a submissive. And you know Jessica has been looking for a long term dom for years. Makes sense, doesn't it?" Jake twisted the knife just a little more.

Bella caught my eye through the window and I knew then that she was struggling with what he'd said. I shook my head as violently as I could to let her know not to believe him. She stared at me for another half a second then turned back to Jake. "I don't believe you and even if I did it doesn't matter. If Edward doesn't want me that's his choice. If he's chosen Jessica then I'll wish them well," she hissed as she strode towards him. "I still don't want _you_, Jake."

I remember thinking good girl as she stood up for herself. But Jake had one more card up his sleeve and he played it at just the wrong moment in time.

"Want to know exactly when he started dating her, Bella?" he asked when he was just a foot from where she stood shaking like a leaf. She seemed to think on it a second then nodded minutely and I so wished she hadn't. It was all bullshit and she didn't need to hear any more of it from him. "He started dating her the day after I told him you were _dead_," Jake said matter of factly. "Just like that. The very next day. He thought you were dead and he hooked up with Jessica the very next day."

I watched the fury on Bella's face erupt and as she lunged at him I called to my brothers and sisters to get inside that house.

Esme, Carlisle and I ran in through the now splintered backdoor as the others crashed into the house from the front.

But it was too late. Jake had lunged for her at exactly the same time that Bella had lunged at him. He was stronger and taller by a foot and his body weight sent them both crashing onto the tiled floor. Bella on her back and Jake on top of her.

They were only on the ground for half a second before my brothers were pulling him off her and hauling him into the living room. He kicked and fought and swore the whole way, but the two boys had him under control.

I knelt beside Bella and cradled her in my arms. Her eyes were barely open but she was smiling up at me. "I don't believe him, Edward. Tell me it's not true," she whispered and then I smiled down at her.

"It's not, Bella, it's not," I assured her.

"Edward," Carlisle said my name quietly behind me but I didn't want to break this moment with my mate.

"I love you," Bella gurgled.

"Edward," Carlisle said more forcefully.

"I love you too, Bella," I told her before I was physically pulled off her by my mother and father.

"Edward, look at your hands," Esme urged me as I went to move back towards Bella.

I did as I was asked and turned my hands over. They were covered in blood. Bella's blood. I looked to where she lay on the floor, Carlisle frantically trying to staunch the flow with a tea towel he'd yanked from the countertop, and watched the pool of crimson spread its way outward from the back of her head like veins in the grouting of the tiled floor.

And that's when things got truly out of control, dear reader.

* * *

**A/N: Thank you for reading. **

**Please review. **


	20. Chapter 20

I stood in Bella's kitchen staring at the blood on my hands for I don't know how long. I could hear Carlisle barking orders but didn't take in what he was saying. I could hear Jake begging my brothers and sisters to let him go to his sister, but they wouldn't let him go.

"Darling, what do you want us to do?" my mother asked softly.

I just shook my head. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what she'd want because we hadn't discussed it yet.

I didn't know whether I should tell Carlisle to change her or whether that was even going to be necessary because all I could focus on was the blood on my hands and on the floor.

Carlisle turned to look up at me and I didn't need to hear it from his lips to know that with that much blood on the floor she was going to die right there if we didn't do something.

"Don't say it," I growled. "Just don't say the words."

Carlisle cringed but said them anyway. "She's going to die if we do nothing, Edward."

Jake howled as Carlisle said it but I ignored him. He hadn't cared about Bella before so his show of pain now was just that, a show.

I took stock of the situation for just half a second then turned to my siblings. "Get him out of here. I don't care what you do with him," I told them firmly so they'd know I was serious. Esme gasped but she wasn't going to argue. I'd been honest; if they killed him I wouldn't worry about that for one minute. I turned back to watch my father as he began blowing air into Bella's lungs.

I'd been to medical school. Her heart was failing because it was pumping as hard as it could and still couldn't maintain her blood pressure with the gaping wound at the back of her head. It was my call to make and I had no idea what to do.

She was only twenty-two and she had her whole life ahead of her. Twenty two was too young to die, but if she couldn't forgive me for changing her she may as well.

"Edward," Esme whispered beside me. "You have to decide darling. I know you don't want to, nobody ever wants to, but you do have to."

I nodded. I knew I had to make the choice. I hadn't been given a choice either, none of us had, and I'd lived with it anyway. I'd made a life for myself. We all had.

"This is why it's called a gift, son," Carlisle spoke between breaths. "It has to be given."

I thought about that for a moment. She couldn't choose for herself. She couldn't take the gift from me, if she wanted to live or whatever it was that we did, it had to be given by one of us.

"I'll do it," I announced in as clear a voice as I could. "If she hates me for it so be it, but if it's to be done I want it to be me."

Carlisle stopped the compressions on Bella's chest then stopped breathing into her open mouth. He stood, faced me, put his hand on my shoulder and told me he'd stay. Then he turned to his wife of eighty years. "Go home darling. Make ready. We'll bring her as soon as her change begins."

Esme took off then. She ran right out the backdoor and into the forest at the back of the trees.

I got down onto my knees beside Bella's rapidly cooling body. I knew I only had moments before her frantic heart gave out but I wanted one last look at the perfection she'd been as a human. I kissed her lightly on her plump lips and rubbed the back of her hand. "I love you Bella, and I'm sorry," I told her. I craned my head up and silently begged my father to tell me what to do. I knew the fundamentals, we all did, but I'd never actually done it and I needed his guidance. He didn't let me down.

"At the wrists, ankles and elbows first, son," he instructed.

I bowed my head over her prone body and as I sank my teeth into the flesh just beyond her wrist I prayed to whatever god was listening that it worked. I waited until her delicious blood bubbled at the wound I'd made and then I forced my venom into the cut. I used my tongue to seal it shut and then did the same to her other wrist. The flesh at her ankles tore so easily I cringed as it came open like paper. I had her blood in my mouth for the very first, and last time, so I had no problem producing enough venom to force into the wounds.

I remember licking my lips when I switched to the hollows of her elbows and tasting the iron rich ambrosia, but I was soon concentrating on my task again.

When I'd forced as much venom into her system as I could at her elbows I looked up at Carlisle again. "Is it enough?" I asked hopefully.

He got onto his knees and bent over her. He sniffed her from head to toe. "Her scent's already changing, Edward," he told me matter of factly.

I checked for myself but couldn't smell anything other than her blood; I'd have to take his word for it. She didn't writhe or buck or scream as I thought she would. I remember doing that myself as Carlisle had sent his venom flying through my body and began to worry why she wasn't. "Why isn't she in agony?" I asked.

"She will be," he said sadly and got to his feet. "Come on, let's take her home and make her comfortable before all that begins."

I nodded but sat where I was a moment longer. I just watched her chest rise and fall shallowly. She had been pale already but now she was almost blue, as though she was cold. I wanted to wrap her up in a blanket and bring the rosiness back to her cheeks, but knew it would be futile. If she survived the change the cold would never bother her again.

I stood and looked around the house. There was blood all over the kitchen floor, under her head, and the living room looked as though there had been a terrible struggle in it. I couldn't remember what had happened after I told my siblings to 'deal' with Jake but couldn't see or smell any blood other than Bella's. I didn't know what they'd done with him and right then I didn't much care.

I took the comforter off Bella's bed and took it to the kitchen to Carlisle. He wrapped her carefully in it while I went to pack a few things that Bella might need over the next week or so. I grabbed her hairbrush and toothbrush. Some comfortable clothing and underwear and her cell phone and date planner. I shoved it all into a backpack that was hanging by the front door and then I locked it as best I could after my siblings had shouldered it to gain entry. Then I pocketed the keys. We'd have to come back and repair the backdoor before it would lock again.

"Will we run with her?" I asked Carlisle who was standing with her in his arms by the backdoor.

"Her car's in the drive. Much better to use that if we're seen," he suggested and I agreed.

If anyone saw us, and Bella lying prone on the backseat, we could explain it away as Carlisle the doctor driving her to the hospital himself. But nobody stopped us and we were soon back at the Cullen house in Forks.

Esme was waiting for us at the door when we arrived and she told us to take Bella to my room high up on the third floor. I didn't smell or hear any of the others either in the house or nearby and hoped that whatever they were doing to Jake they were going to hide it well.

I laid Bella down on my bed and put the backpack onto the leather sofa by the windows. Esme came out of my bathroom with a pan of warm water and a cloth. "Let's wipe her down, get all the blood out of her hair, she'll feel better then," she told me softly.

So that's what we did. We washed her down and dressed her in some soft, grey sweat pants and a jersey. Esme rubbed the back of my hand once we were finished and told me that she'd be downstairs if I needed anything.

Carlisle looked in on us an hour later but there was nothing for him to see. Bella smelled almost completely of my venom now but she hadn't moved moaned or regained consciousness since I'd begun biting her on the kitchen floor.

My father reassured me that everything was fine and that I'd been still and silent for a good long time during the first part of my change too. I knew what he was trying to tell me. Her pain would come and I should enjoy her peacefulness while I could.

I lay down next to her on the bed and held her for a good long time after that. I stroked her face and hair and told her that everything was going to be fine. I told her I'd take care of her and that she'd never be alone again. I told her over and over that I loved her and that even though she was going to be different when she woke up she'd still be Bella inside, where it counted.

I had no idea if she heard me or if she had the capacity to understand, but I told her anyway. It's what I would've wanted to hear if it were me.

Three hours into her change my siblings arrived home. They were quiet as they entered the house and were still quiet as they came into my room to check on us.

"How is she?" Emmett asked as he approached us on the bed.

"Not a sound," I tell him as he took a good long sniff of her evolving scent.

He smiled, "She's smelling good."

"Different," Rose agreed as she too took a good sniff of the air around Bella. "She's going to be a beauty," she told me softly and patted my shoulder, then Bella's hair.

I agreed but said nothing. She'd already been a beauty and I didn't want this for her without her making a rational choice for herself.

Alice hugged me hard and I knew this was going to be especially hard for her, above the others, because she'd been Bella's friend. I might love Bella, but it was Alice who knew her best.

"She's going to be just fine with all this, Edward," she assured me as she moved back beside her husband. "I was, you were too."

"We'll get her through," Jasper told me pointedly.

I nodded to him but didn't move from my place on the bed with Bella. I didn't really want to know what they'd done to Jake, and I couldn't smell any blood on any of them, but I knew I'd have to be told at some point if only to be able to deny it when the police arrived. And they always did arrive.

"Where is he?" I asked Jasper.

He looked into the eyes of my other siblings before sighing heavily and replying, "I was outvoted. We've stashed him at the cottage until Bella can decide what to do with him."

I am not ashamed to say I was disappointed by the answer. I rather relished the idea of either the four of them ending him or doing it myself. Then I thought about what Bella would think when she woke up. If one of us did it she'd be furious and would spend the rest of eternity regretting the missed chance to finish what she started, or rather what her brother had started. For all I knew she'd forgive him and send him on his merry way. I hoped not, but couldn't be sure.

The cottage was a good choice, though. It was on Cullen land about four miles from the main house. Nobody used it for anything and as far as I knew it was empty. "Alive?" I asked.

"For now," Emmett snarled.

"He's conscious but he's going to wake up with a hell of a headache," Rose chimed in.

"We're going to head back to Bella's and clean up," Alice told me. "Is there anything you want us to bring back?"

I shook my head. "I don't think so. But you could look around a bit. You know her best Alice, bring whatever you think she'd like to have around her when she wakes."

They all agreed that they would make the place look like nothing had ever happened inside it and I thanked them. I hoped it would be the last time they'd ever have to clean up one of my messes.

And then I remembered my duffel bag. "Jaz, my bag of tricks is stashed under the front porch steps. Bring it back here, yeah?" I asked and he nodded before closing my bedroom door behind him.

I slid further down the bed and took Bella back into my arms.

She began to moan in pain at midnight that first night. It started softly at first but by four the next morning she was moaning rhythmically. Esme helped me wash her down again when she began to sweat and by midday the next day we'd changed her clothes half a dozen times to rid her flesh of the worst excesses of it.

Her body was expelling all her bodily fluids through her pores as my venom ate her blood. And she was in agony from it.

Carlisle looked in again midafternoon and noted that her scent had changed again. It was stronger now, tinged with the acidic spice of a vampire. He praised me for the job I'd done and then left me with her again.

When the sun went down on the second day Esme came to sit with her while I went to hunt with my brothers and sisters. I'd had nothing since the day I found out Bella was alive and couldn't deny I needed it. I didn't want to leave her alone, or with anyone other than myself, but I went with my siblings.

I hunted fast and took down two large stags so I wouldn't need to find three small ones. The others were quiet on the return trip and I used the peace to decide what my next move with Jake was going to be. I told them I wanted to check in on him they looked worried, to say the least.

I told them they could come too, that I wasn't going to touch him if I could help it, and it was agreed that they'd go too but if it looked like I was going to 'go' him they would pull me out of there any way they could.

He was right where they left him and as Rose had predicted he had a hell of a headache. They'd beaten him over the head with something blunt and he had a lump on his forehead the size of a goose egg.

"You bastard," he hissed as I approached where he was sitting, bound at the ankles knees and wrists to a kitchen chair. Where that had come from I had no idea.

"I am a bit, aren't I little man?" I goaded him.

"Where's Bella?" he screeched and I kicked his ankle just hard enough to make him wince and shut the fuck up.

"Not your concern," I told him calmly. "What is your concern, however, is just how pissed I am at you right now. So, I'm only going to ask this once. I'll give you time to consider your answer, but know that if you don't answer, or the answer you give me is a lie, I'll slit you open like a piñata and I'll do it with a smile on my face." He shuddered and his heart rate soared. Given the chance he'd piss his pants. "I want the names of whose likely looking for you. Who's going to miss you first?"

He didn't think too long about it and gave me a list of four names. Libby, the receptionist at the Seattle office was likely to notice his absence first. She was easy to sort. Second on the list was Felix. That just pissed me off.

"You gave me your right hand man as a saviour?" I roared into his shocked face. "Was he following me, or just Bella?" I asked.

"You," he whispered.

Third on the list was a guy named Sam Uley in Port Angeles. He lived one street back from Bella and _he_ was the guy who'd been following Bella all these years. And number four was a doozy.

Charlie Swan. Bella's father and the Chief of Police in Forks.

That could present a problem for us but it wasn't anything we hadn't handled before.

I paced in front of him for a few minutes thinking about how he'd managed to pull all this off without Bella realising. And then it struck me. He had her followed, and me followed too, but he knew things about her that nobody else could know unless she was watched her 24/7.

"How many recording devices are in her house?" I asked him.

"None," he sneered.

Not only was it the wrong answer but it was also the wrong facial expression to use while giving it. I back handed him across his mouth and watched quite happily while his hideous head lolled back and forth like a bladder on a stick from the force of it.

"Wrong answer. We'll try again. How many recording devices in her house?" I asked as my siblings began to remind me of the promise I'd made not to hurt him.

"Four," he mumbled as he spat the blood out of his mouth. "Kitchen, bedroom, living room and there's a trace on her house phone. Oh, five, there's one on her cell."

"Better," I told him. "GPS in her car?" I asked and he nodded. "Video anywhere?" he shook his head and I took a small step towards him.

"I swear it, there's no video link. I didn't want to watch her fuck other guys," he whimpered and I was inclined to believe him.

"Who do you have on the payroll at her work?" I asked.

"Nobody," he stammered. "Didn't need to, she worked mostly from home."

While I had his full attention I decided to ask one more question. It had been bothering me since the beginning, now was my chance. "If Bella had found me herself, despite all your fucking interfering, what were you going to do?"

He didn't need thinking music this time. He just sneered up at me and grinned, "I'd have killed you and buried you in the woods."

My sisters growled and my brothers pounced. Fat fucking lot of good they would've been pulling me off him. Instead it was me pulling them off him. It took me ten minutes to convince them that he was Bella's to deal with once she woke up.

Jake yelled and squawked and demanded to know why Bella was still asleep but none of us said another thing. We checked his bindings – Emmett sniggered the whole time and wanted me to show him proper dominatrix knots – and then we left him there.

With his pathetic pleas for us to untie him echoing through the forest we ran back towards the house.

I heard Bella's screams as we crossed the river and increased my pace. I hit the backdoor running and flew up the stairs to my room. Esme looked close to hysterics and I called for Alice and Rose to come and take her away. I hadn't meant to leave her alone with Bella as long as I did and told her how sorry I was that she'd had to deal with Bella's pain on her own.

I got up onto the bed and took Bella into my arms. She was totally covered in sweat and had the sheets balled in her fists as she writhed. Her screams softened as the night wore on but she was never still or wholly silent.

My venom was eating away at her organs one by one, forcing them to shut down and take on their immortal form. It hurt like nothing you'd ever experience and like nothing she'd ever feel again. Thank Christ. It would hardly be worth the agony if you knew you could still feel physical pain once you'd borne it. Nobody would choose it, that's for sure.

As the pain increased her screams changed pitch and by the time her heart began to falter the intermittent screaming changed into one long shriek. It was unbearable to watch and just as hard to listen to as her human body tried in vain to fight against my venom as it infected every cell.

Every time I washed her she'd sweat right through the next set of clean clothing and the sheets on my bed so I decided I'd take her in the shower with me. I called for Alice and she set out another new set of clothes and changed my bedding while I took Bella into the shower in my bathroom.

If anyone thought it was odd they didn't say.

I knew it had been the right thing to do once we got under the hot spray and her screams calmed into quieter whimpers. So I stood under the shower with her for an hour. I held her in my arms and wiped her face down as often as was needed and felt, for the first time since I'd bitten her, that I was truly helping her.

When the water ran cold I dried her carefully and redressed her into yet another set of soft sweats. Hopefully Alice was buying more online. Then I took her back to bed.

She was quieter for a few hours after that and I knew that if she started screaming again I'd repeat the whole process without hesitation.

Carlisle came to sit with her during the night and when he returned to the hospital for his shift Esme came. I took the chance to meet with my siblings. There was a lot to be done before Bella rose and I didn't want to leave her side to achieve it. There was no choice, however.

My brothers and sisters assured me that her house was clean and there would be no trace of the blood that she'd spilled on the kitchen floor. The front and back doors had been replaced and the surrounds painted to hide any sign of a break in. They organised to have her mail held at the post office and had turned the light timers on. They even left a used coffee cup in the sink and a couple of messages on her answering machine wishing her a good time on her 'trip'. They'd thought of everything.

If anyone was looking for her, and we had nothing to suggest they were, it would look as though she'd just gone on holidays.

"Can someone contact her work?" I asked and they all volunteered. "Just call them and say that a relative was ill and she needs to take a few weeks off."

"I've got Felix covered," Jasper announced without me having to ask. "He's none the wiser, yet. I've tailed him for two days and it doesn't look like he's searching for Jake. But you'll need to sort out the receptionist pretty soon."

"Thanks, bro," I told him. "I'll call Libby tomorrow. Anyone wanna take on this Sam guy?"

"On it," Rose piped up, surprising me. She'd been uncharacteristically accepting of Bella and gentle with her since I'd bitten her, and now she was volunteering to help me? "I checked out his place last night. He's not keeping too close an eye on her or her house, but if he moves I'll know," she winked.

I didn't need details. If Rose said she was on it, she was. She didn't do things by halves and I knew without asking that if this Sam guy put a foot wrong she'd happily snap it off for him.

"Thanks, Rose," I said sincerely. "That just leaves Charlie Swan. Any thoughts?" I asked those gathered.

They all looked pensive. Didn't surprise me though. He was the triple whammy. A cop, and not just a regular one, but the Chief of Police. And he was Bella's father. He'd never let it go if she disappeared. And if I was him I wouldn't either.

"Have you met him?" Jasper asked Alice but she shook her head. "I don't suppose you'd be willing to see him as collateral damage?" he asked me.

"Absolutely not," I growled and he nodded his acceptance. "I don't know anything about the guy but I haven't heard anything bad either. Not from Bella and not from Jake. If there's a way to make this work so we can stay here in Washington I want to try it."

"Both his children are missing, Edward," Esme added from where she sat with Bella. "He'll be frantic if not already, then very soon."

"I know, Es, I'll think of something," I told her honestly. And I would have to come up with something, some plan, to get Charlie Swan through this. But right now I had no idea what to do or how, so that became just one more thing on a list of likely problems I was going to face once Bella woke up. "We're going to need to get the recording devices out of her house, and her car," I mumbled. "And we need to find Jake's private residence too. He said he wasn't videoing her but I don't trust the bastard."

"I'll do Bella's house and car," Emmett volunteered, "\And if Jaz can find his address I'll help him with that too," he grinned.

"I didn't have any luck trying to find him before," Jasper replied, frustrated. "I can't think of anything I've missed and until Bella wakes up and tells us where he lives I don't see how I can find out."

I smiled then. "I do," I told him smugly. "Will you girls go sit with Esme and Bella for a bit?" I asked and they nodded. "Come for a run with me boys?" I asked but they were already heading to the backdoor.

I let them run ahead; knowing they knew what was what. I took a loaf of bread and a packet of cheese from the well stocked – and completely useless – refrigerator in our kitchen then followed behind them.

The forest was deathly silent and completely dark because of the low lying cloud cover so it was easy to scare the living piss out of Jake when we reached the cottage.

There was no electricity at the place, we never used it, and so it was in total darkness as the three of us crept up to it. Emmett beat the door down, totally unnecessarily, and we all laughed when Jake started screaming.

"Scream, little man," I chided as the three of us went to where he sat. "I do like it so when you do."

Emmett started circling him making 'boo' noises and Jasper was running, at full tilt, around the room and bouncing off the walls with every pass. Jakes eyes nearly popped out of his head as he was overloaded with sights, sounds and his own terror.

He couldn't see us too well, he squinted a lot, but I could tell that the bits he could see scared the hell out of him.

There was no point hiding what we were from him anymore. He already knew we weren't 'right' from the way he'd been manhandled at Bella's house and he had to know that we were something 'other' by now. I liked that. I liked that he wasn't sure, that he didn't know what or who was holding him prisoner.

I told my brothers to quit and they did. The three of us stood in front of Jake and watched him tremble for a few minutes before speaking. That seemed to ramp up his fear and I found I liked that too.

"I've brought you some food," I told him as I dropped the bread and cheese into his lap. "If you tell us what we want to know, and it turns out to be the truth, I'll untie you long enough to eat it. But, lie to me, Jakey boy, and I'll just continue to let Esme bring you water." My brothers voiced their displeasure at Esme's 'soft' nature but I told them to cut it out. "Quit it, boys. We don't want our guest to die of starvation before we get a chance to kill him do we?" I asked and when Jake moaned in fear I laughed. "Oh look, he's frightened. Poor thing. You want something solid to eat Jake? Or you wanna just go with Esme's water?"

"You bastard," he said so softly no human could've heard it. "What do you want to know?"

"How helpful you are," I laughed. "I want your address, Jake. I want to know where you live, how to get in there and what the security codes are on the building."

I saw his eyes widen but a human wouldn't have been able to in the darkness. But I saw it. "Driftwood Place," he mumbled. "Number eight. The security code is Bella's birth date."

Jasper was gone as he spoke the last syllables. He'd check it out and let me know if it was the truth. Until then I could have some fun.

"Jasper will just go and check that out, so while we're waiting how about we play a little game?" I laughed. "What will we play Em?" I asked my brother.

"Let's pull his arms off and see if he runs in circles like fly's do," he sneered, making Jake shake and tremble in fear.

"Nah," I laughed. "I don't think Jake wants to play that one. What a spoil sport. Not into physical games, Jake? Oh well, how about a verbal game then?"

"I'm going to fucking kill you," Jake whispered in defiance. "How's that for verbal?"

"Yeah, I know you think you're going to try that," I laughed. "And I gotta tell you, Jake, I'd like nothing better than to let you go and let you try. But, I've kinda promised your sister, oh sorry, your step sister the first crack at you. She won't beat me if I steal her thunder," I sneered.

"Sick fuck," he protested.

"Oh yeah, I love a good, sick fuck," I agreed which made Emmett laugh. "So, a verbal game. What do you think Em, twenty questions?"

"Oh, I love that game!" Emmett cheered.

"You start, Jake. I bet you've got a few stored up there in your head by now."

His eyes got wide but only we'd see it. "Where's Bella?"

It was a good first question and made me think, just for a second, that at least he cared enough about her to ask after her. "At my house, sleeping," I told him. "Next?"

"Is she in a coma?" he asked.

Another point in his corner. "No."

"Will she recover? She hit her head pretty hard. I saw the blood," he whispered.

"She's going to be fucking brilliant," Emmett interjected.

It was obvious Jake had no idea what that meant. "Next?" I asked.

"Who the fuck are you people?" he croaked.

"Oh, shit, sorry. I don't think I introduced you properly. Where _are_ my manners? Mother will not be happy with me. Jake Messop, this is my brother Emmett Cullen, and Jasper will be calling shortly to confirm your address. He's my brother too. Jasper Cullen. Next?" I chuckled.

"What are you?" he asked, not bothering to ask me to elaborate.

"What do you think we are?" Emmett asked before I could.

"Dead," Jake sneered. "When I get out of here you're all fucking dead. I know people you morons. I've got databases filled with guys who beat women for fun. Won't be too hard to find one who'll take you all out."

It was Emmett's turn to back hand him this time and I was glad he'd done it because if I had Jakes head would be sliding down a wall. As it was his head whipped back and a small trickle of blood began to leak out the side of his mouth. Emmett hissed as the scent of it hit the air but didn't strike him again, or lunge for the blood. Had Jasper been around that might not have been the case, but Emmett was an expert at denying his thirst. It didn't bother me in the least. The stench of his evilness made his blood repellent to me.

Once Emmett had moved away I leaned over and whispered into Jakes ear. "Bring it on, Jake. Enlist the help of anyone you feel will get the job done. If Bella lets you live, and personally I hope she won't, I'll look forward to tearing out the hearts of anyone you send my way."

The combination of my scent, my tone and the strength of the scent of my venom got my point across just as much as what I'd said. He'd been there for two days and so far he'd managed to hold onto the contents of his bladder but when I blew another dose of venom into his face his tenuous hold on his body gave way.

"Dude, that's just nasty," Emmett crowed.

Jake moaned his anguish at his uncomfortable situation just as my cell began to ring.

"Jaz, what's what?" I asked.

"He wasn't lying. The house is secure," he told me. "I've closed it back up but I'm brining you a souvenir."

He disconnected the call before I could ask what it was and I turned back to Jake. "You weren't lying about the address, so I'll let you eat, but Jasper tells me he's bringing me something from your house as a souvenir. Any idea what that might be?"

He fainted dead away so I knew I wasn't going to like my gift one little bit.

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**A/N: Thank you for reading.**

**I must admit that I am quite looking forward to the hate mail these next couple of chapters are going to incite. I just want you all to know how much I will enjoy your reviews, and views, on this side of Edward's character. **

**Please review. **


	21. Chapter 21

**Please Note: This chapter takes a look at the sicker side of personal obsession. The contents of the 'box' have not been listed to offend, but as a tool to show just how far someone can go when they've found the one they want but can't have them. **

**For sensitive readers please skip over the bold typed section and know that the contents of the box were the personal collection of items of a very sick mind. **

* * *

Emmett stayed with Jake while he ate the bread and cheese and he swore to me he'd not harm him physically. He said 'physically' quite pointedly so I knew he'd continue to torment the guy mentally any chance he could. I was okay with that. He'd done enough to keep Bella unhappy over the years so I figured it was a good payback situation.

I relieved my sisters and mother from their post with Bella and slid into the bed with her myself. Her heart was really racing now and from what I knew of Rose, and then Emmett's change, this was the first sign of the beginning of the end.

Her heart would do its best to fight off the venom, and in turn it would wear itself out futilely pumping so hard. She sobbed and shrieked in equal measure all through the rest of the night. As the sun came over the mountains she fell silent and I knew then that her human body was not far off giving up its tenuous grip. A few more hours, I hoped.

I left her only long enough to call Libby. I used a French accent and told her that I was the family lawyer and that Jake had been called away to an elderly aunt's home in Chicago and wasn't likely to return for several more days. I gave her my fax and cell number and told her that if there was anything that couldn't be handled at the office to contact me. She bought it hook, line and sinker and once she'd rung off I went to find my siblings.

They were unusually quiet and they were all in the living room instead of in their suites. At that hour they would normally be getting ready for the day. Alice and Jasper nearly always attended high school for the first couple of years after we moved residence, and Rose and Emmett usually attended community colleges. Today was Wednesday so they should've been gearing up to leave and keep up appearances. Instead they were all in the living room staring at a large cardboard box that sat squarely on the coffee table.

It could only be one thing. Jasper's souvenir. My gut clenched as I called for Esme to sit with Bella while I went downstairs to deal with the contents of that box. I remember feeling like Brad Pitt in seVen when he opened that box the psycho had left for him in the desert.

"A clue?" I asked my siblings but they all shook their heads. I sniffed the air and caught Bella's scent. Her human one. It was feint but it was there none the less. I figured I'd open the box and find her panties or something horrid like that.

That would've been bad enough, but what I actually saw was worse. Far, far worse.

**The entire box, and this box was at least two feet by two feet by two feet, was filled to the brim with the sickest, most disgusting items you'd ever want to see. There were photos, hundreds of them, and all of them were of Bella with various partners. Every single shot was taken either inside 6C – which I recognised because I'd been there – and one other apartment. I'd resigned my membership in Washington before I could use the apartment in Port Angeles, but I could guess that this was the inside of the place I was looking at in the pictures.**

**They weren't all taken during sex though. Oh no. Jake had not only had the pictures taken whilst his sister was being fucked he'd also defiled the aftercare as well. Hundreds and hundreds of shots of her caring for subs.**

**And then, predictably, under the pictures there were the panties. Not many, maybe ten or twelves pairs, but they were Bella's. They held onto her scent and I recognised it instantly. They didn't smell like her usual scent though. That would've been enough for me to want to kill him, that her brother had a collection of her used knickers, but these were _used_. As in she'd taken these off after sex and he'd taken them. The scent that hit my nose was her aroused scent.**

**I gagged then. Actually gagged. The others voiced their displeasure about the panties but there was more to come and they knew it.**

**They sat in silence while I delved deeper into the box.**

**There were some lengths of cord, all bearing Bella's scent and one other, Jakes. It took me a moment work out how that could be, but it didn't take long. Jake had taken these cords after Bella had used them and then he'd used them on himself.**

**Squashed into one corner – probably Jasper's work – was your standard blow up sex doll. I wondered why he'd put that in there, lots of guys had them, but when I took it out and shook it so it unfolded I knew why my brother had added it to the box. It was a regular doll. Complete with open mouth and those haunting, dead eyes. It was brunette, as was Bella but that's not where the similarities ended. Jake had drawn a crude, hand drawn caricature of Bella's features over the top of the already present face. He'd tried to scrub out the original eyebrows and had used a charcoal pencil to draw in ones that mimicked the arch of the real ones Bella had. He'd even drawn on the plain gold stud earrings Bella wore.**

**The doll was nude except for yet another pair of Bella's used panties. Only these had other DNA present. I didn't need to sniff too hard to work out whose it was.**

**There was a plastic shopping bag with its handles tied loosely together. My hands shook as I undid the ties. The smell of latex and silicone assaulted my nose as I tipped the contents onto the floor at my feet. Dildos, butt plugs, whips and floggers. Vibrators, cock rings and rubber underwear all spilled out and fell in a slimy pyramid of depravity. Perched on top as though it was daring me to see it was a fake vagina. Brunette, of course. It was hideous and it hadn't been washed very thoroughly since Jake had used it last. His evil stench was repugnant. Every item was devoid of Bella's specific scent, thank god. These weren't hers, they were his. And he'd used them. Every single one of them he'd used personally.**

**A document envelope was the next thing I withdrew from the box. I looked at Jasper over the top of it and when he nodded I opened it. I needed to see it all he probably thought. And he was right. I needed to know just how far Jake's obsession had gone and I needed to be able to put it into the proper perspective when Bella woke.**

**Inside the envelope were more pictures but they weren't recent. There were copies of school pictures of Bella from around the age of ten through to her senior year. There were pictures of her in a pale pink dress with a posy of flowers held in her clasped hands at her waist. The back of the picture told me she'd been a flower girl at their parents wedding. There were group shots too, not just singles of Bella herself. Pictures of her and Jake at school together and at various sporting grounds with Jake in a football uniform and Bella in a cheerleaders get up. Apart from the stains on each of the photos – and I didn't need to ask Detective Stabler to spray them with Luminol to work out what those stains consisted of – they were ordinary family pictures. There was a newspaper cutting right at the back of the folder and as soon as I'd withdrawn it I let it go. It fell onto the open box and sat there, staring up at me. It was Bella's by-line picture and it had been blown up to 10x10. A hole had been cut where her smiling mouth should've been.**

**I threw the folder, with its contents, to the floor and stepped back away from the box. I cupped my hand over my nose to ward off the smell of Jake. It hung in the air like a fog. Everything in the box smelled of him. His seed was on everything I'd touched so far.**

**I held my breath and approached the box again. I needed to see it all. Jasper had brought all these things to me for a reason. He wanted me to see, really see, what we were all dealing with.**

**The house was still silent except for the rapidly beating heart of the girl whose brother had turned her beautiful sexuality into his own private, sick game.**

**Underneath all that was a Ziploc bag. I heard the others draw in a breath as I took it from the box. It was filled with condoms. Not new ones. Used ones. They had all been tied off and they all still held the contents of their use. I dropped that bag fast. I dropped it back into the box and then I lost it.**

I just sat down on the ground and stared at the box. I choked on the scent and then gagged at the knowledge I now possessed.

What sort of man does this? What sort of brother does this?

I may have thought of myself as a sick bastard when I first realised that I enjoyed being bound by a woman during sex, but this was too much. There was a line and Jake hadn't just crossed it he'd rubbed it out and had drawn Bella's face on it then fucked it!

Had Jasper not spoken right then I'd have torn off out of the house, gone to the cottage and turned Jake into a thin veneer on the walls. But Jasper did speak. And what he said made me feel impossibly worse.

"He had a basement," my brother whispered sadly.

I met his eyes and could see the sadness in them. I'd hated the box of souvenirs, but whatever was in that basement was going to be worse. I knew it before he told me and I'll never forget the sick, churning feeling in my gut as I listened.

"Was his water heater busted?" I asked hopefully. Jasper just shook his head. "Just tell me," I begged then.

He gave the girls a 'look' and they took off up the stairs. I was about to remind him that they'd hear even from three floors above when they came back down again, Esme in tow.

"We'll hear Bella from down here, Edward," Emmett told me quietly as I watched the girls file out through the back door. "They don't need to hear this part."

Emmett knew. And even he didn't think that his Rose could handle it. It had to be bad. It had to be so far above bad.

Jasper waited for five full minutes, giving the women a chance to be far enough away for them not to hear, and then he began his sorry tale.

"I would've missed it but I heard the difference when I walked on certain floorboards in his bedroom. His bed was on a hinge, Ed. You lift it up and there's a trapdoor under it. Half a dozen steps or so and then a thick, padlocked door. Didn't pose too much trouble," he shook his head as though the thought of it hurt. "Steel lined," he said carefully. "Hooks on the ceiling, cuffs for wrists and ankles on the walls. A crude toilet in a corner and a pallet bed in another. The walls were covered with pictures. One wall was all Bella, one was all you. The wall by the stairs had a video link set up between the floors. His DVD player in his room could play on a loop without him being there. I turned it on and it played home movies, from when they were younger, over and over. There was a bar fridge full of m&m's. I don't get that but thought you might?" he asked but I shook my head. I had no idea what that meant so asked him to go on. I needed to know it all now. I just wanted him to tell me everything so that when Bella woke I could convince her to help me murder her step brother. "I think he wanted her to be his slave, Ed. There were costumes down there. Like leather things. Hoods and tights and suits. Weird shit too like hoods and collars and stuff. If he ever got her down there I don't think he ever intended to let her out," he finished sadly.

I thought about what he said and kept coming back to one thing repeatedly. Bella told me herself, and Jessica had said the same thing. Jake wasn't into the lifestyle. By all accounts he hated it. It was a tool to control Bella's happiness, he didn't indulge himself. And then I thought about the items Jasper had described. The leather I understood. The hooks and chains too. I didn't get the candy, but who knew what the sick fuck thought on a good day. I even got the relevance of the video link up. He could run their home movies day and night and try to make her see how good they were together when they were younger. Mental torture, but it could've worked. What didn't fit was the mention of the collar.

Jake had taken particular offence at Bella binding her subs. He hated that about her nature and he loathed those who let her do it. I'd heard him say it myself when they'd been arguing. So why have a collar in his basement? It couldn't be for him if he hated it so much, and Bella was a dominant, she'd never wear one herself.

But then something else Jasper had said struck a chord. 'I think he wanted her to be his slave'.

The organisation was quite clear on that. They didn't deal in slaves. They didn't match them up and they didn't have them as members. Was that because Jake himself despised the idea or was it because that was what Jake truly wanted for himself and didn't want Bella to know about his desire before he made her his slave?

"The collar," I mumbled. "What did the collar look like?" I asked Jasper.

Jasper shrugged. "Leather with some studs on it. It had Bella's name etched into the back and it had a chain attached. I don't know, like a dog collar I suppose."

To anyone not in the lifestyle it would've looked kinky but not sinister. But I knew that it was sinister. Etching a name onto a collar, or any other piece of sexual paraphernalia used with either a dominant or a submissive was tantamount to taking a pet.

Jake wasn't in love with Bella in the traditional way. He wanted to _own_ her.

I was out of the house and tearing towards the cottage before my brothers could get their asses off the sofas. I didn't listen to their calls as I ran either. I just ran. I covered the distance between the house and the cottage in seconds I ran so fast. But my brothers were there to stop me entering and as Jasper screamed at me I stopped fighting them off.

"If you kill him Bella will never forgive you!" he roared. "If you feel this way about what you've just learned how do you think she's going to feel when she wakes? She'll do the job herself!" he bellowed.

I shook my brothers off and just stared at the cottage then. Jake was crying and whimpering so he'd heard our approach but I knew then that if I went inside Jake was going to be just a stain on the walls by the time I was finished with him. Jasper was right.

If anyone was going to take their revenge on Jake it was going to be Bella. I'd tell her and show her all that I'd been shown and she'd kill him herself.

I looked both my brothers in the eye, nodded once but said nothing and stalked back to the house.

At 11.49am Bella woke as a vampire and I was right there by her side as she did.

The whole family were back in the house and waiting to see her, but they kept their distance as I'd asked them to.

Nobody could predict how she'd wake, but if Emmett's rising was anything to go by we could very well need to defend ourselves.

I'd opened all the windows and doors in the room so if she felt the need to flee she could without damage. I had everything of hers that I'd brought with me from her house on the foot of the bed so she'd have her own things around her should she wake disoriented. I'd put soft, soothing music on the stereo and I'd rehearsed what I was going to say.

I hadn't wanted it to go this way. I'd wanted her to have all the information to hand that she'd need to make the choice to be turned for herself. But instead, because of Jake, she was to wake from her change as I had. With no clue what she was now. Her confusion was going to need to be handled carefully, as mine had.

I was prepared for every scenario but one. Not for one minute did I expect her to accept it at face value.

But that's what she did.

She opened her eyes. She looked around the room. Her eyes found mine, she smiled. She reached out her hand for me and I leaned over her and lowered my cheek into the palm of her hand. She caressed me carefully, watching my eyes all the time. She let my face go and I rose to my full height beside the bed.

She sat up, sniffed the air and wiped her eyes. She stood, a little unsteadily, smoothed out her hair where it had bunched up as she'd laid still and then she smiled. "I didn't die," she whispered.

"No, you didn't," I agreed.

"The man, the blonde one. He said if you didn't do something I was going to die," she said a little louder. "I hit my head," she said as she used her fingers to try and locate the wound.

Of course it wasn't there. It would've been the first thing my venom healed. "You did. You hit it very hard," I told her. "And you would've died had I not done something."

Her eyes widened then as the fragments of memory began to become clear. She turned, far too quickly but she righted herself fast, "You bit me," she whispered. She turned her hands over and back and then looked at her elbows. "You bit me," she said again.

"I did," I admitted.

"It really hurt," she said almost to herself. "It really hurt. It burned," she said to me specifically.

"I know, and I'm so very sorry about that," I told her truthfully. I was so fucking happy that she'd borne the change but it had come at a terrible price. I'd had to hurt her. I'd had to bite her and I'd taken away her humanity.

She tilted her head then and stared at me for a few moments. Her brows creased a little but then softened. "What was that stuff that burned me?" she asked quizzically.

I wanted to lie. I wanted to tell her it had been medicine. I didn't want her to hate me for doing what I did without her permission. But there was nothing to be gained by lying to her about what she was now. I could lie about the reasoning behind my choice and she could choose to leave me behind. But if I lied about what she was she'd perish through ignorance and I couldn't have that.

"Venom," I told her carefully and took a seat on the edge of my leather sofa. "I injected you with my venom so you'd turn into what I am."

She tilted her head again and I wondered if she was testing her new hearing. She sat on the edge of the bed facing me and looked down at where the scars should have been from my bites. She turned her hands over, then over again and stared at them. "Am I snake then?" she asked and I had to laugh. "Don't laugh," she growled then cupped her hand to her throat at the sound she'd made. It was all so new and she was nervous and scared and probably thinking she was being punked just like I had when I'd woken from my change. "Hey, can I speak Parseltongue?"

I heard the others laugh as they heard the Harry Potter reference but I tried to keep my features serious as I addressed her questions. "No, Bella. You aren't a snake and you can't talk snake either. But you do have venom of your own now. Can you taste it?" I asked carefully.

She ran her tongue over her teeth and then crinkled up her eyes as the flavour of her new venom coated her mouth. "It's spicy," she giggled.

Christ. I got a little bit hard as she said it because I wanted to taste it for myself. "It is, mine is too," I told her. "What else is different?" I prodded. She closed her eyes and whispered 'everything'. "What do you hear?" I asked, trying to get her to elaborate.

She kept her eyes closed and turned slightly towards the door to my room. "Um, Alice is talking to another lady about my clothes," she paused and listened some more. "Someone is flicking through a book. No, they're writing in it. I can hear the pen scratching. Wow. Oh, and there's a bird in the tree outside the window."

She opened her eyes when she was done cataloguing the sounds and she raised her eyebrows at me as if she'd just given answers to a test and I was supposed to let her know if she'd passed. "Can you hear the cars out on the main road?" I asked and she thought on it a second before nodding that she could. "And the river, can you hear the boat on the river?" It was miles away but I could hear it and smiled when she confirmed she could too. "Well your hearing is working," I chuckled and earned a radiant smile from her. "What about your sense of smell. What can you smell?"

She crinkled her nose as she sniffed the air around herself. I knew she'd find the obvious things first, like the rest of the family, but I wondered if she could work out for herself that she didn't need to breathe.

"Um, I can smell the bird," she said slowly. "And I smell soap and leather. I can smell leather somewhere, oh, you're sitting on it. And I smell the people," she gasped. "They smell different. No, not different. They're all the same, but they all smell slightly different. One, two, three, four, five, six and you. Seven people. All different. Why can I smell them individually?" she asked hesitantly.

"Because we all have specific scents," I told her carefully. "Your scent is specific too. The others are able to work out that it's you just from your scent and you'll learn to do that too in time. Can you pick one of them out?" I asked and she crinkled her eyes at me as though she didn't understand the instruction. "Try to separate the smells. See if you can make your brain only smell me." She scrunched up her eyebrows as she tried and smiled once she had. "Got me?" I asked and she nodded. "Good. Now, remember that smell. That's me. You'll know that smell from now on as me. Nobody will smell that way to you from now on, nobody. Everyone smells different. That's my smell. Does that make sense?"

"I think so," she replied. "You didn't smell like this before you bit me."

"I did, you just couldn't smell me. And that's because you couldn't smell as well as I could. But now you can." She nodded to let me know she understood. "Hold your breath," I suggested.

She took a gulp of air and held it. I knew she didn't need to, but she didn't yet. Her lungs could take it in as any human could, and she could hold it in her system, again as a human could, but a human would need to use the air eventually. Bella didn't. After three full minutes she expelled the air in her mouth and grinned. "I can't," she giggled.

"I know," I chuckled too. "You don't need the air anymore."

Her eyes widened at that. She sucked in another mouthful of air then let it out slowly. "I don't need to breathe anymore?" she asked. I shook my head. "So I am dead?"

"No," I told her firmly. I moved to the bed and sat beside her. I took her hand and put it on my chest where my heart beat should've been strongest. "Feel. Listen," I instructed. She closed her eyes and I waited. She gasped once she got what I was trying to show her.

"Your heart isn't beating," she whispered. "You aren't breathing. Are you dead too?"

"We're not dead, Bella," I chuckled. "Not technically anyway," I added and Carlisle huffed. We'd argued that point enough for me to know his thoughts on it. "But we don't need to breathe and we don't need oxygen. But look at me," I told her and turned so we were facing each other properly, "I'm sitting here talking to you. You can see me, hear me and smell me. I can move and so can you. So we're not dead."

She nodded but I knew the question was forming before she voiced it. I'd dreaded it and craved it all at the same time.

"If we aren't dead what are we then?" she asked cautiously.

I took both her hands into mine and kissed each palm in turn. This was it. I'd never told anyone what I was before and the first time was going to be with my mate. "We're vampires, Bella."

She stared at me for the longest time and the family used that time to come up the stairs. They were on the landing on my floor but had come no closer. We all knew that it would be at this point, if ever, that she was going to freak out.

I watched the emotions traverse her face as she tried to process what she'd been told. Shock, astonishment and disbelief all flashed through her eyes as she stared at me.

I'd been there when Esme, Rose then Emmett had completed their change and had woken disoriented and confused so I thought I had a good idea what her reaction was going to be. Esme had gone with denial. Emmett had tested his new strength in a rather alarming and unpredictable way and Rose had exploded with resentment and rage. What would Bella's reaction be?

I figured it could quite possibly be a mixture of all three of those and then she said something that none of us expected, and it made every single one of us laugh like hyenas.

"Can I fly? Do I sleep hanging upside down now? Oh god, I don't have to sleep in a coffin do I?"

* * *

**A/N: Thank you for reading, and may the hate mail begin ;)**

**Please review. **


	22. Chapter 22

Bella and I sat on the edge of my bed and laughed and laughed. I explained that she couldn't fly, wouldn't sleep – ever – so hanging upside down wasn't going to be an issue and neither was her slight claustrophobia about coffins.

Then she fell silent and stared at me for the longest time. "You're a vampire?" she asked hesitantly. I nodded but didn't say a word. She was a vampire now too; she just hadn't gotten that straight in her own head yet. She would, but for right now the shock was that I was one, not that she was. "But, but, vampires are just stories. How can they be real and I not know about them?" she mused more to herself than me. "But you're so normal," she huffed.

I smiled then, really smiled. That she thought I was normal made me so happy I doubted anything could knock me off my pedestal. "I'm far from normal," I winked and she grinned back. "And I am real. You know I am," I told her firmly and after a half a second to think on it she nodded. I took her hand into mine and kissed her palm, "You're real too, you know?"

I could hear the family twittering outside on the landing and they were getting pretty fed up with waiting to see her. If I could hear them so could Bella, but she had so much going on in her new cavernous vampire brain I doubted she could deal with more than one thing at a time right then, so I said nothing about the others.

"I know I'm real," she whispered. "But I feel so different. You don't feel different. You feel exactly the same, you look exactly the same." She tilted her head and stared at my face. "Do I look the same?" she asked hesitantly.

I grinned, "No, you are even more incredibly beautiful than you were before and I never thought that would be possible."

Her hand flew to her cheek and she frowned. "I can't blush now, can I?"

"No, you can't," I chuckled. I nodded toward the bathroom, "Why don't you go and check yourself out and I'll go and placate my family."

She turned her head immediately toward the bedroom door, not the bathroom door, and I knew then that she was listening to the whining of the family. She didn't say anything but she did go into the bathroom so I did as I said I'd do and went out into the hall.

I strode straight to Carlisle. "Thank you," I told him earnestly and then I pulled him to me. He hugged me back and we stood there, without shame, and held onto one another while the others looked on. "Thank you for this life," I whispered to my father.

"You're so very welcome, son," he told me as I let him go. "She sounds very accepting?" He posed it as a question and looked concerned for the answer.

"She does," I agreed. "She's calm enough for now. Time will tell," I shrugged.

I was about to approach my mother and siblings and accept their congratulations on successfully finding and changing my mate when an ear piercing scream rent the air.

We, all seven of us, pushed and shoved our way back into my bedroom to see what had upset her. She came out of the bathroom and right to me. She looked at my face, took a step to my left and looked at Jasper – who just happened to be beside me – then another step left and looked at Rose.

"My eyes," she shrieked. "My eyes! Why are they red? What the fuck have you done to me?" she bellowed right at me.

I was about to explain when Carlisle beat me to it. "They'll fade, Bella. A few months of our diet and they'll fade. We all had them, as you do now, but I swear to you they'll fade," he said soothingly.

She cocked her head to one side and stared at my father. Apart from the few minutes she'd lain prone on her kitchen floor she'd never seen him before and I wondered what she made of him now. The same went for the others, minus Alice, she'd never met them and it had to be unnerving to be stood in a room with seven vampires, five of whom you'd never met before.

In what she must have thought was a soft whisper she asked me who all these people were. I stepped out of the group and stood a little ways to her side. I didn't want to crowd or overwhelm her while she was upset, that was never a good idea with a newly changed vampire. I pointed to each family member in turn and introduced her, leaving Alice until last.

"And you know Alice," I told Bella who nodded. Alice was smiling widely but said nothing out loud. "Bella, you _know_ Alice. She's your friend. She has been your friend all this time and she's been a vampire all this time too," I reminded her.

"All this time," Bella mumbled. "And you're all vampires," she said it as though it was a statement, not a question but everyone nodded in unison. "And you're all related?" she asked.

I gave her the quick explanation for that one and she seemed to accept that too.

And then she cocked her head once again and stared directly at Carlisle. Her hand came up to cup her throat and she swallowed thickly. Her thirst was making itself known. "You said diet," she whispered. "Oh my god, vampires eat people!" She backed away from the assembled group and only stopped when her hip came into contact with the doorframe to the bathroom.

"We don't eat people," I told her as calmly as I could. "We don't eat anything, technically," I told her and heard Carlisle huff his protest again. This was another point at which we were at odds. "We drink blood, Bella. But only animal blood. Not human blood."

She blinked rapidly even though she didn't need to. It was a leftover human reaction to stress and would actually help her assimilate with humans in the future, but right now it was a stress reaction and I knew it for what it was.

I approached her carefully, palms facing up, and when I got to where she stood I took her free hand into mine. "We hunt animals, Bella. In the forest," I nodded towards the back windows and out into the trees. "We don't hurt people. Have you ever seen me, or Alice for that matter, hurt anyone?" I asked.

I was waiting for my family to protest and say that they had all hurt a human or two in their time – except for Carlisle who never had – but they didn't. And I was grateful. Those details weren't important while Bella was trying to come to terms with what she was now. They'd all tell her their personal stories as we went along, but for now she just needed to understand the basic principles.

Bella shook her head slowly. "No, I've never seen you hurt anyone," she agreed. She'd kept one hand to her throat and I knew she had to be hurting with thirst.

"That burning you feel in your throat," I nodded towards her hand, "I can help you with that."

Her eyes got wide then. "I need to drink from an animal?" she asked shakily and I nodded. "In the forest?" she asked and I nodded again. "But how?"

I smiled, "It's easy, instinctual. You'll see." I squeezed her free hand and smiled at her again. "Do you trust me Bella?" I asked carefully.

She looked the family over again then turned to me and nodded. It was all I needed to know. Despite everything, all the lies and half truths, the lies by omission and the fact that I'd just killed her mortal body she trusted me and it made my soul sing.

Without another word the family parted and I led Bella to the back windows. They were already open so I let go of her hand and dropped down onto the ground below. She stared, wide eyed at me, cocked her head to the side and whispered 'can I do that too now?' I told her that she could, not to worry about hurting herself and watched in awe as she took the leap for herself. No hesitation once I'd told her she wouldn't be hurt. She hit the ground, crouched a little to absorb the impact then stood to her full height and beamed at me.

"Easy. What's next?" she asked.

"Next we run," I crowed proudly and reached for her hand. She took mine without dithering and then we were running through the forest.

She was sublime. She was perfection personified. She was beautiful and courageous and she took to her new life and body with considerable ease and grace. We ran along the edge of the river and when it came time to cross it she watched me leap then did the same. We ran, hand in hand, to the edge of the forest and when she smelled the grazing deer she asked intelligent questions about technique before slaking her thirst for the first time. She was nervous but trusted me when I told her that it was natural, that her body and brain would know what to do as she approached the animals and then she leapt on one, took it to the ground and drank her fill.

As self assured and self confident as she'd been as a human nothing could compare to what she was now. She was strong, smart and brave and she was utterly, utterly lethal.

And she was all I'd ever wanted.

When her thirst had been conquered – I did explain that the burn she felt when she was hungry was something she was going to have to come to terms with as it would never truly leave her now that she'd been turned – we ran back towards the river.

We sat on one of the small wooden jetties at the back of Cullen land and talked about anything and everything vampire.

I told her about her new strength and how she could hurt humans very easily now and all about her seeming lack of concentration. I did my best to explain the properties of a hugely expanded capacity for thought and all about how her memories would fade if she didn't 'use' them often.

I told her that it was a conscious choice not to hurt humans and that we were designed to want to. I gave her time to digest that then I told her how I'd 'slipped' in the past. She was shocked at first but nodded along as I explained the thoughts and feelings behind each slip. I told her how the family came together when one of us slipped and how we had all cleaned up someone else's mess at one time or another. I told her that she was going to need to take a little time to get used to what she was now, and time to conquer her thirst, before she could go near humans again.

She asked if she could have friends and I told her that of course she could. We all did. I used her friendship with Alice as the example. Then I explained the difference between us – the Cullen's – and the groups of other more traditional vampires, and that the reason we'd chosen to live as we did was specifically so that we _could_ have normal lives alongside humans.

She asked if she would ever be able to go back to work and I told her with confidence that she would. Once she had good control of her thirst and she had had a few practise runs with nearby humans she could do whatever she wanted.

She admitted to being worried about being alone as she was now and I assured her that she'd never be alone ever again if she didn't want to be. I told her that now that she'd been changed she wasn't just mine to watch over and teach, she was a member of a bigger family and nobody would leave her to flounder. I told her all about how long we'd been alive and how we'd had time to accumulate wealth and how we used it. Her eyes had widened when I told her that what was mine was now hers and that she should feel free to use those resources however she wished.

We talked about the family and where everyone fit. She was stunned to learn that Alice was married to Jasper and had been for the last seventy years.

She was shocked to learn that I was one hundred and twenty odd years old and that I'd been changed at just seventeen. I was impressed that the word paedophile didn't slip from her lips, though she must have thought it at some point. I told her as much about myself as I could remember without the benefit of having one of my journals in front of me. I reinforced how important it was for us to write down our experiences and our histories and she agreed that she didn't want to lose any of her human memories. Even the bad ones.

I did my best to remember what she'd said to me just three short days ago. She'd admitted to not knowing much about me. What I did for a living, where I lived and about my family. So I told her everything that was mine to tell. The others would share their personal histories with her in their own time.

I outlined where I'd been and what I'd done for the past century, warts and all, and then I told her how very sorry I was that I'd taken her humanity from her.

As was becoming the norm with Bella she didn't resent me for it.

She didn't question what I'd done to her, just wanted me to explain how I'd done it. She didn't admonish me for the decision I'd made or question _why_ I'd done it. She just accepted that had I not made the decision she'd now be dead.

She actually thanked me for saving her life, just as I had when I'd woken to find that Carlisle had saved mine. I was crushingly grateful for her thanks but did my best to remain composed while she gave it to me.

When the days light began to fade we began the walk back to the house. She said she didn't want to run. She was in no hurry to get there and I understood that.

She had a lot to deal with. She couldn't go back to her own home yet and she was going to be staying in a house she didn't know, with a group of vampires she didn't know either.

I wanted to tell her that she was now a member of the family, that because it had been me that had changed her I was now her sire and I was, ultimately, responsible for her and always would be but I couldn't. I didn't think, right then, that her dominant nature would respond well to that and left it unsaid. Instead I told her that everyone inside the house was eager to know her, and in Alice' case know her better, and that she had nothing to fear from any of them.

I desperately wanted to discuss our personal future but knew that it was too soon. We'd pledged ourselves in her living room just three days prior, but everything had changed since then. So I left that unsaid too and just walked back with her to the house.

The others were very accommodating those first few days as Bella settled into life at the Cullen house. They didn't fuss over her or force her to join in anything. She did though. Of her own volition. When the larger group were in the living room she joined them and talked as naturally with them as she would had she been with us for a decade. When Alice said she was going to shop online for clothes Bella went with her. They giggled and shopped and ordered lord knew how many thousands of dollars worth of clothes and it was as though she'd done it a hundred times before.

She questioned everything about us and what her new life meant. She accepted the assurances and the explanations of those she asked questions of and she slid into our lives as though she had always been there. And it made me blissfully happy.

Sure, she had her moments. She wasn't serene and accepting the whole time, but the issues that did arise inside the house were easily sorted and what I considered fairly normal. They were simple things like what was going to be her share of the housework, how she was going to access her own money for the clothing she'd bought and a tiny bit of panic about how much work she'd missed. She worried about her car payments and the bills she'd left unpaid at her home. She worried about Jessica.

She didn't mention Charlie or Jake those first days and whether it was a good idea or not we all thought it best for her to come around to that in her own time. Right or wrong it was her business, as it had been each of ours after our own changes. My parents had died just days before Carlisle changed me so I had no family to think or worry about. Rose had tried to contact hers a few years after her change but it hadn't gone so well and Alice couldn't remember hers. We all had our own skeletons hidden away in the closets of our minds and we all knew that at some point Bella would have to decide for herself whether to contact her father, or not.

Jake was a whole other issue. She didn't ask about him and I didn't say anything. I knew that Esme was continuing to feed him and that after six days as a captive he was likely to be either getting ill or going insane from the isolation and treatment we were dealing out to him but found that I just didn't care. He hadn't cared about Bella's wellbeing and I didn't want to think about his. This was about what Bella needed and when Bella got around to thinking about him then I would, and not before.

I put that out of my mind and continued to help Bella adjust to her new life.

She took to hunting without a problem and we went often, together, so her thirst was well controlled.

She didn't need to sleep but she did want a space of her own. She needed a quiet place for thought and contemplation and whilst she wouldn't ever fall into slumber she did want to lie down. We all did. It's why we had beds. Well, that and sex. But mostly we had beds so that we could lie down and think or read or generally mull over what was happening for us personally. The rest of the house was communal and we all gathered in various rooms as a group, but our suites were personal. I didn't go into the others private spaces without invitation and they didn't come into mine without one either.

Bella was hesitant to see my room as her own at first. She asked permission to do and use everything and it drove me nuts. I told her over and over not to ask, to just do, but for those first few days she continued to ask.

There was still no talk of our future and that drove me nuts too. But she needed time to get comfortable with herself before she could accept another and I knew it. I didn't like it; I wanted her to jump me and fuck me and I wanted to start making plans with my mate. But she wasn't ready and I didn't want to push.

I gave my bag of tricks a few good kicks in those first days I can tell you. The bag itself seemed to sneer at me as I went by it.

So at night when the others would hide themselves away in their rooms Bella and I would go to ours. We'd have to listen to the sounds of the pairs making love. She never commented but if I could hear them she could too. She smelled aroused to me but there was no way I was going to broach the subject so I suffered my own arousal in silence. When she was ready to take the next step she'd let me know.

I can admit now that I worried whether or not she'd still want to be a dominant now that she'd gone through her change. I don't know why I worried, but I did. I knew first hand that the transformation didn't change who you were fundamentally, but we felt things so much more acutely as vampires and I did wonder whether that would heighten her dominant tendencies or dampen them. I also worried whether she still wanted me specifically. As her submissive or as her mate or any other way either. She'd shown no sign of needing anything from me except for help understanding what she now was. So I took Carlisle's advice and tried to be patient.

For three days she handled everything thrown at her with rational calm. If anything bothered her about what she'd been told she asked smart questions and came up with logical answers or plans to move forward on her own.

Of course, dear reader, that wasn't to last. It couldn't.

None of us could avoid the issues that we'd managed to ignore for those few days. We all knew they were going to rear their ugly heads at some point and whilst none of us wanted to face them, or attempt to deal with them, we knew the choice wasn't actually ours.

So when Bella came downstairs after her morning shower on the fourth day and her normally smiling face looked downcast and worried none of us was too surprised. We knew, once she'd come to terms as best she could that she was now a vampire and stuck here with us for the short term, that she'd start to think on broader subjects. Her family, her job, her former life were all bound to be things she'd contemplate.

She sat with us around the kitchen counter as we all would normally do before everyone split off to go about their days but she didn't join in the conversation as she had in the days prior. She spoke when spoken to but didn't offer anything of her own.

As had been the usual form of the Cullen's to date the conversation started off quite genially but took a right turn instead of a left and landed us all in the middle of a mess that not one of us knew how to clean up or prevent.

Esme kicked the discussion off. "Are you all right, sweetheart?" she asked the forlorn girl.

Bella nodded then lifted her chin and took a moment to look at us each in turn then she lowered her eyes again before speaking very softly, "Where's Jake?"

Ahhh, I remember thinking at the time, we'll begin with Jake.

I wondered who the question had been aimed at but figured it wasn't to anyone in particular. She knew enough about us now to know that if someone knew something everyone else knew about it too.

Jasper caught my eye and raised his brows to ask who should answer it. I nodded and took it on myself.

I moved to where she sat and took the stool beside her. I didn't touch her but I did move very close to her. "Do you remember on your first hunt that I steered us North along that path instead of taking the turn to the South?" I asked her quietly. She nodded and I continued, "North follows the river, South takes you by a little cottage on its way to the river in the other direction. He's there."

Her head whipped up and when she met my eyes I could see the pain in them. "Is he still alive?" she asked cautiously. I nodded but I needed to know why she wanted the information before I offered any more. "Did you hurt him?" she asked. She looked directly into my eyes and I guessed it was to see if I'd lie.

There was no point, he'd tell her himself if given a chance. "I kicked him once, slapped him across his mouth once and I threatened him quite a bit," I told her honestly.

"And I slapped him too Bell's, just once," Emmett added just so we'd all told the truth. His use of a nickname was sweet.

"I've threatened him and messed with his head a bit," Jasper said sheepishly. Alice slapped his arm but said nothing.

"I've been taking him water, and Edward has taken him food since he's been there," Esme added vaguely. She might not be happy that we'd kept him there against his will but neither was she willing to admit that I'd only taken him food that one time and hadn't bothered to check on him since.

Bella thanked Esme then turned back to me. "It's not his fault that I got hurt," she whispered to me. "I pushed him too, you saw it, right?"

"I did, we all did," I assured her. "But that's not why he's holed up out there in the cottage. Well, it is a reason, but it's not the only reason," I clarified.

"We've always fought like that," she protested, "We yell and scream at each other but he's never hurt me before, never slapped me or anything. That was the only time, I promise."

That she was defending him gutted me. I knew that she didn't have all the information that we had and I was worried that once she did she'd still defend him simply because she was good and kind and he was her brother. "I believe you," I told her calmly, "but he hasn't exactly been helping you to be happy, has he?" She shook her head firmly; we both knew this about him because we'd talked about this together. We'd come to the same conclusions as we'd talked about the path we'd both travelled trying to find one another. "He kept us apart on purpose Bella. He could've quite easily located me and of course he knew you were searching for me too, but he chose not to help. I understand better now why that is, but it doesn't absolve his actions."

"Bella, Jake has done some awful, terrible things to you," Carlisle chimed in calmly. "I understand you know about some of them, but you have a right to know everything about him if you wish to. It helps to have all the information at hand when trying to decide how you're going to tackle a problem. We don't keep secrets in this family so if you want to know anything you can ask any one of us, but I think, in this instance, it might be best to discuss the details with your mate?"

Carlisle made good sense and I knew that once Bella had heard what we'd recently learned about Jake that she would be horrified to have it spoken about in front of the whole family. It was something she needed to learn quickly but in private. And I knew it was my responsibility to tell her all I knew. I was about to ask her to accompany me on a run so I could break the news to her gently when she tilted her head to one side and whispered the word 'mate'.

"Mate," she whispered again a little more loudly as though she was trying the word out. "Are we mates, Edward?" she asked me pointedly.

I had only just gotten my head around having to tell her all the sordid details about Jake when the conversation took this line. My head was spinning. I recovered quickly though. I took her hand in mine and settled them both into my lap. "We are," I beamed, "if you want to be that is."

She smiled weakly, "You already know I love you, and we did pledge to be with no others back there, at my house," she nodded towards the woods, in the direction of where her house was, "and you changed me. So I'd like to try to be your mate if you'll have me?"

Of course there was nothing to think about so I simply kissed her, right there in front of my family, and told her how happy she'd made me. "No other," I assured her, as I reaffirmed my pledge to her.

Her moods switched so quickly I found it hard to keep up. It was only because of the disorientation of her change, and nothing to do with her mental capacity to stay on track, but it was still difficult to follow for me.

She slid off the kitchen stool but kept my hand in hers. "So we should go and talk to Jake then," she announced and tugged on my hand so I'd follow. "Once he hears that we're mates he'll give up this stupid crush he's got on me," she trilled in her lovely sing song voice. "He'll get over it," she laughed as she kept tugging my hand, "once he sees how happy we are together he'll give up and find someone of his own. You'll see, come on," she insisted.

The others shifted from foot to foot uneasily and Bella noticed instantly. She was very spatially aware of her surroundings and those who shared it with her. She missed nothing. Even as disorienting as her change must have been for her she noticed every blink, every twitter and every out of character gesture. She whipped around to face me, her eyes pleading. "What? What's wrong?" she demanded. "Oh, we can't tell him I'm a vampire, right? Oh shoot, I hadn't thought of that," she huffed. Then her eyes got wide again, "Easy fixed. Carlisle's a doctor so we'll tell Jake that you took care of me here in this house because you didn't want him to get in trouble for me hitting my head. That'll work, right?" she asked as she looked from Alice to me and back again.

We were still the first two she sought assurance from because she trusted us most and it killed me that she was going to learn the truth so brutally from one of her trusted pair.

"No, Bella, it won't work," I told her sadly. "And it's nothing to do with you being a vampire now. If you decide to tell your family we'll support that, and all that comes with it, that's totally up to you. But Jake isn't going to be at all happy that we've found each other, love. His crush isn't quite as silly as you think it is."

She laughed then and it was a lovely, carefree laugh. "But it is silly," she insisted, "I've told him over and over that I don't love him like that but he'll really get it now if he sees us together. He really will. I know he kept us apart on purpose, and he said some stuff the other day that was pretty bad too, but he didn't mean it. He's not a bad guy. Not deep down. I've known him since I was twelve. You don't know him like I do."

I made the mistake of shifting my line of sight from Bella's face to look at Alice' expression, hoping that she'd jump in and help me explain why Bella was wrong, but Bella noticed right away and whipped around in time to see Alice mouth the words 'tell her'.

A human might not have been able to make the words out as they formed on my sisters lips, but a vampire could, and Bella was a newborn. Her senses were at their peak.

"Tell me what?" she demanded as she rounded on me.

I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to have to tell her anything. I wanted to forget that Jake existed and just get on with finally being with her. I wanted the past four years to melt away until I couldn't remember them. I wanted to let her keep her opinion of Jake as a good if somewhat overprotective brother and I wanted her to go on believing that he just had a crush on her.

"Tell me," she growled and then turned to the family and growled the same thing at them.

Nobody moved or said a word. Carlisle was right, this had to come from me. "Bella I need to tell you some things but we should do that in private," I suggested carefully.

Her eyes flashed her anger with me and I knew then, with that one look, what line I should take.

It was a risk but everything I'd done and said since meeting her had seen me taking risks. This one was a no brainer. Alice might have known her longer, but I knew what she was inside.

I knew that if I could get her angry enough she'd demand to be told and then it could all come out in one giant angry heap and we could let her do what she needed to do with the information. If I tried to sit her down and calmly explain she wouldn't see how despicable Jake was. If I used soft tones and careful wording she'd never see him for the monster he was. If I was cautious and too deliberate she might mistake my calmness for acceptance or worse, forgiveness for the things he'd done and said. And if truth be told I was afraid that if she wasn't in a blind rage when she did find out she'd spare his life.

So I baited her by treating her like a fragile girl instead of the dominant woman and vampire she really was. And I did it on purpose with full awareness of how she was likely to react. I'd seen her at her best. Cord in hand, in command of my collar and in complete control of a man much bigger and stronger than she was. I'd seen her in full flight in the kitchen at her house. She'd stood up to Jake and had taken all he had to throw at her, and she'd given it right back in spades.

I knew I'd taken the right approach when she craned her neck just like Jasper did before a fight. She swallowed the venom in her mouth and then she advanced on me in full, furious flight. "I'm through with calm and persuasive, Edward. You tell me what you know, now," she hissed.

"In private," I argued and drew a resounding growl from the family. I was pushing her buttons and they knew it, they didn't understand why, but they could see that I was.

Bella stood her ground, just as I expected she would, and fronted me. Each word she spat she punctuated with a prod to my chest with her finger. "You tell me right now Edward," she demanded.

As her anger induced venom floated across the few inches between us I felt myself stiffen in my jeans. "In private, _love_," I hissed right back. I was her submissive and I was defying her. It was fucking exciting.

She widened her eyes and stared at me a moment and then she did exactly what I predicted she would. She relaxed her shoulders and her eyebrows relaxed too. She licked her bottom lip and took a step away from me. She lowered her gaze for half a second and when she returned her eyes to mine she was my master. She was my dominant and I was her pet.

If the others saw the change in her demeanour I don't know and right then I didn't care. This was who the real Bella was. In control of herself and of her arena. Her emotions might be roiling underneath the surface of her calculating stare but she had complete control of them none the less.

She licked her bottom lip once more then took another step away from me. She looked me up and down, from head to toe then smiled. God she was astute.

"You'll tell me right now Edward, or you'll be punished," she whispered softly through her grin. "And there isn't a safe word you can think of that will save you from me, _baby_."

Esme coughed and Emmett whooped but they all left the room none the less. I figured the use of 'safe word' had scared most of them off and the use of 'baby' would've done for the rest.

I waited just long enough to hear them all hit the ground running and then I ran too. I left Bella standing where she was in the kitchen while I went through the connecting door that separated the house from the garage and then into the storeroom with its bolt and lock. I snapped the lock, tore the door from its hinges and dragged the cardboard box from where it sat on the bottom shelf. I took it with me back into the house and into the kitchen. I put it squarely onto the kitchen counter and then turned to my mate.

I motioned toward the box, "_That_ is not the collection of a man who has a silly crush. _That_ is not the evidence of a man who will give up once he sees us together. He watched you Bella. He had others watch you, and me. Jasper and Emmett spent hours getting rid of all the listening devices in your home and from your car. He hasn't just got a crush on you Bella, he wants to _own_ you!" I roared.

She crinkled her nose as the hideous scent of the box wafted around the room. She stared at the closed box then stared at me, then returned her gaze to the box. She was trying to work out what I meant and I knew the only way she'd believe what I'd said was to look for herself, but I didn't want her to have to. I knew she would, but I much preferred she took what I'd said at face value. I knew she couldn't do that. Maybe in a few years, once she knew me better, but right then I knew that she had to see with her own eyes what I was telling her was the truth. But I wished she wouldn't if only to spare her the agony of knowing the truth for herself.

The box held real, tangible items that would prove to her what Jake was and what he was like in his mind. The things I'd told her, about the recordings and having us both followed was just words. She might trust me one some level, but I knew that Jake could refute every word of it if asked and she'd be left wondering forever.

I decided then and there that if she didn't look in the box for herself I was going to empty its contents onto the counter and force her to see it all.

I didn't need to, she took a minute to weigh up what I'd said and then she moved to the box. I held my breath as she opened it and let it out slowly as she began to sift through its contents.

She gasped at some things, yelped at others. She cringed away, as I had, from the by-line cutting and she visibly shuddered when the doll made its presence known.

She flicked through the pile of pictures quickly, not bothering with the last few, and flung them onto the counter in disgust.

When she came to the Ziploc bag she shook her head and put it back into the box calmly. She didn't even get to the sex toys and I was grateful. It had to be this way for her to truly know what her step brother was, but I was sorry for it all the same.

"I'm sorry, Bella," I told her and I meant it. "I know he's your brother and I know you love him, but he's sick. That's nobody's fault, he's just sick." She was nodding but she remained silent. "You were right you know. He set the business up so you'd never meet anyone in the area who you could play with. If they were all on his books and he denied you membership you'd never..." I trailed off when she held up her hand for me to stop.

"Stop," she whispered softly. "Just stop." She replaced everything in the box and then folded its top over itself. She pushed it to the centre of the counter and took a cleansing breath to steady herself. "Anything else I need to know about? Anything else that's being kept from me?" she asked calmly.

There was. A lot actually. So I told her all of it. She'd been brave and calm as she'd seen for herself what the box held so I knew she could handle being told the rest. So I told her that Jake wasn't lying when he told her in her kitchen that I'd been dating Jessica from almost the day I'd arrived in Washington. I told her how that had come about, how unhappy it made me – and that Jessica hadn't been truly happy either though I hadn't known that at the time - and then I told her about the night Jasper had burst in on us in the hotel. I told her that Jake had been telling the truth about me walking into the club and collaring Jessica and I explained why I'd done it. I told her that I'd lost all hope once Jake told me that my mate had died before I'd had a chance to truly know her. I swore to her that I never renewed my membership here in Washington and that the day I went to see Jake in his office I threatened him until he told me who she was. I told her that I never said I was settling down with anyone, especially Jessica, and that I'd never loved anyone other than her.

She stood still and silent while I poured it all out of myself. I didn't stop for breath until every conversation and every action I'd had or made in the last eight months had been explained.

I toyed with the idea of keeping the basement information from her but in the end she'd find out for herself because if she killed Jake someone would find it when the house was sold, or one of the boys would tell her later on thinking she already knew. Either way she'd know I'd kept it from her. Mates didn't keep secrets from one another. If we had a chance to truly be mates there could be nothing between us to poison that chance.

So I spilled that too. All of it. Every word Jasper had related to me I told my mate. And even when her knees buckled and she clutched the countertop for support I kept right on telling her. There could be no other way. She had to know.

It was the mention of the etching on the collar that truly broke her. She choked on her rage and anguish as I described it but she listened to every word. She heard every word. When I fell silent she asked me very calmly if that was everything. And when I said I was done she astounded me again by smiling.

She came to where I stood on the opposite side of the counter and collapsed into my arms. She told me she loved me, she told me she was grateful I'd told her all that I knew and she told me that she was glad she had found me before she'd found out the truth about her brother. I held her tight while she sobbed. There would never again be any tears and I vowed to her and to myself that if I could help it this would be the last time she ever cried over Jake.

I didn't know if I could keep that promise but I was determined to try.

I stroked her hair and her back and held her to my chest and let her cry. I soothed her and cooed to her softly as I'd seen Jasper do with Jessica, and when her sobs abated she took a deep breath and wiped the venom from her lips. She stood on tiptoe and kissed me lightly at the corner of my mouth. "Thank you for telling me," she whispered.

"I hated telling you," I admitted.

"I know," she cooed as she cupped my cheek with her hand. "And I hated hearing it, but I needed to know." I nodded my agreement and she smiled again. This time it was the cold, calculating one and it made me shiver. "I'm going to clean up my mess and then we're going to get your bag of tricks and then we're going to play. Be ready Edward. When I get back I'll make you mine and you'll make me yours."

I hardened instantly.

I nodded firmly and then she fled the house. The air whipped by me she took off so fast. I didn't hurry to follow because I knew where she was going and I had a good idea what she was going to do when she got there.

I'd told her everything and she'd listened and understood when I'd told her about the family having to clean up my messes. She was going to clean her own mess up and then we'd be together.

I left the house at a jog and ran to the cottage. She'd already begun to 'clean' up when I got there and I'm not ashamed to tell you, dear reader, that I quite enjoyed watching her finish the job.

* * *

**A/N: We're nearly there now. **

**Thank you for reading. **

**Please review. **


	23. Chapter 23

**BPOV**

I won't bore you with introductions; you know plenty about me already. So just know that when I reached the cottage I wasn't at all sure what I was going to do. I just knew I couldn't let Jake hurt me – or anyone else – ever again.

As I ran towards it I turned over in my mind the options available to me. By the time I got there I knew which path I'd take, but I want you to know that I wasn't fully resolved until then. I didn't leave the house knowing what I was going to do. I knew what I wanted to do, but whether or not I could go through with it was a decision I didn't make until I'd given it some thought.

My Edward had given me a strong, virtually unbreakable body and my mind had always been tough enough to face most situations. So I knew, going into the cottage, that there was nothing Jake could do or say to me that was going to hurt more than the truth in that box already had.

How could he do that? How could someone profess to love another and plot and plan to do that to them? Even knowing my predilections for the rougher side of physical relationships there was nothing in that box – or in his basement either – that had anything to do with a relationship. And certainly nothing to do with the love he should've felt for me as his sister.

Wasn't it a brother's job to protect sisters? Edward did. Jasper did. Emmett did. I'd seen them do it and I'd heard them do it. They shielded the girls from things that could hurt them and they did it because they were a family.

I'd known Jake had a 'thing' for me since we were teenagers but I hoped that he'd find someone for himself and we could just be happy as brother and sister. And why couldn't I have that? Just like the Cullen's. Why was it impossible for Jake to see me as his sister? Our situation wasn't all that different to the Cullen's. They weren't related by blood either and yet they had perfectly normal brother/sister relationships. They had a healthy respect for one another and they treated each other's beliefs and opinions respectfully too.

Sure, I knew that Edward's attempts to get them to understand him hadn't exactly gone according to plan, and it had taken a long time for them to respect his choices, but since I'd been with them they'd supported and encouraged him. They'd come together as a group and had put aside all their differences, and their inability to understand, and had protected not only him but me too.

Why couldn't Jake do that for me? Instead of turning what I wanted into something sick he felt the need to protect me from it. Why couldn't he just accept who and what I was and support that? Why build a business, and spend your adult years running it, specifically to keep me lonely and unhappy? Who does that?

Edward had apologised to me for taking my humanity the day I woke up. But he was wrong. He didn't take anything from me at all. He gave me something. He gave me two brothers and two sisters, a pair of loving parents and over and above that he gave me the means to protect myself from Jake.

I knew I had a loving father of my own, and Charlie was loving in his own way, but the warmth and acceptance I'd found inside the Cullen family was what I'd been craving my whole life. I just hadn't realised it until I'd woken as one of them.

Charlie didn't like what I was, but he knew who I was. There was a distinction. He did understand me but he didn't like what I did in private. But he didn't let that cloud his opinion of who I was. I was his daughter and he loved me, just as Jakes mother had loved me before she died. So if it was possible I wanted to keep Charlie in my life. Edward had explained as much as he could about what I was now but he also told me it was my choice whether or not I just disappeared or whether I tried to include my dad in my new life.

I knew I wasn't ready to see him, but I had toyed with the idea of calling Charlie. I could do that. I could tell him that I'd been sent on a story and I'd be away for a few weeks. And then, after a few weeks, I could tell him that job had turned into another and I'd be away for a bit longer. I hoped that if I stayed in regular phone contact with him that he'd buy that and then, when I had my thirst under control, I could try and see him.

I wanted him to meet Edward, and the Cullen's, and I wanted him to see that I'd finally found the one. And Edward was the one. I'd known it in the club in Maine and I knew it when he was stood on my front porch with his sister seven days ago.

Edward thought he loved me because I was his singer but that wasn't completely true. He'd seen in me what he needed and I had wanted to be the one to give it to him. It really was that simple. I might have picked him up in that club but it wasn't quite as random as he believed it to be. I'd seen him before. I'd watched him pick up other women and it had hurt me. I didn't know him, or anything about him, but when I watched him charm those girls it hurt me. He was lost and I could see it in him. He might not have known what he was looking for, but I knew what I was looking for. I wanted to care for someone. I wanted to care for someone who could allow me to dominate them first, and then allow me the extreme privilege of caring for them afterwards. I sensed that he hadn't ever done what I needed him to do. He'd never allowed anyone to stand over him and he'd never given over control of his own pleasure to anyone else before either. But once he had I knew that he'd enjoyed it.

It took me the whole two weeks of my visit to Maine to get the courage up to approach him and it had changed my life.

He's told me it changed his too, but it wasn't random.

The fifty-six minutes we'd spent together in 6C had been the most wonderful of my young life. I saw how hard it was for him to leave me there that night. I watched him struggle with his conscience as he left the apartment. And I'll always regret letting him leave.

I'd been so certain that it would be easy to find him again because I'd given Jake his vehicle registration.

I'd been so certain that letting Edward leave and giving him a day or two to think about what we'd done would only help in the long run. He'd think about things, decide what he wanted and we could try to build something amazing. I'd even been willing to relocate to Maine if he wanted to try.

I'd been so sure that Jake would want to see me happy and that he'd help me find him.

I'd put my faith in the brother sister bond and I had believed, for all these years, that he had thrown away that piece of paper with the registration number on it.

I'd been a fool.

I hadn't seen what was right in front of my face. Jake was sick. He was obsessed with me and he'd plotted and planned to not only deny me happiness with Edward but also to deny me my freedom.

I may have forgiven the recording devices and being followed and watched. I might have been angry to learn about Jakes deception and I might have understood in time that he'd used his business to keep me alone. But I couldn't, and wouldn't, forgive the contents of that box.

He'd gone so far above simply invading my privacy. He'd defiled pictures of me and clothing I'd owned. He'd stolen personal items and had used them for his own sexual gratification and they were things I couldn't tolerate.

Leaving aside the dungeon he'd built, the contents of the box was enough to make me want to hurt him.

As a human I might have slapped him, or tried to punch him even though he was much bigger than me. I would've yelled and screamed and maybe gone to my dad and asked him to make sure Jake couldn't come near me ever again.

Even as a vampire, if I left aside the dungeon he'd built, I might have been able to rough him up a little and threaten him enough that he'd stay away from me of his own volition.

Edward had warned me that being near a human this close to my change was a risk. A big one. I hadn't smelled human blood yet and I trusted Edward enough to know that he was serious when he said it would be easy for me to 'slip'.

So had I only known about the box, even as a new vampire, I might have been able to have my say and then let him go.

But I did know about the dungeon. I did know about the hooks and chains and the trapdoor under his hinged bed. I knew all about the walls of pictures of both Edward and I and I knew all about the collar.

That fucking collar.

The collar had tipped the scales for me.

I might have taken a pet – Edward was so much more than that to me – but I had never been collared and Jake knew that I didn't want to be. I couldn't handle it, the thought of it had made me queasy as a human and it didn't do nice things to my stomach now I was a vampire either. It wasn't for me.

To know that Jake planned to collar me was the final straw. That he'd etched my name onto the leather made me hate him. For the first time I hated my own brother. And he'd forced me into it. He'd done everything he could to make me hate him and I wanted to punish him for it.

So I knew what I had to do. I had to clean up my mess so that Edward and I could have a fresh start. I had to untangle myself from Jake and all that was wrong about him. I had to bring myself to this new life with as little baggage as I could. I wanted to be right for Edward. I wanted to be worthy of what he'd already given me and I wanted to earn my place in the Cullen family. I wanted a life with Edward and I wanted to have that without interference from my brother.

I wanted my father to meet Edward, and the other Cullen's and I wanted him to know what a wonderful family I'd found to be a part of. I wanted to include Charlie in my happiness and give him a sense of family again now that he was alone himself.

But none of that could happen until I'd cleaned up my mess.

I won't ask your indulgence, Edward's dear readers, and I won't ask you to try and understand or forgive me for what I did in the cottage. It should matter to me what you think of me once you learn the details, but it doesn't. I did what I did for me. If you choose to hate me, or think that I've represented myself to Edward as something that I'm not because of the callousness of my actions, then so be it.

I did what I did for myself alone. Had Edward wanted to do it for himself, or for me, I'd have allowed that too, but I am glad, to this day, that it was me that cleaned up the mess. It was my first, and so far it has been my last.

Jakes human scent hit me hard as I flew down the path to the cottage. It actually made me stumble, which hadn't happened to me before. But it hit me in the throat on the wind and it knocked me for six. It was putrid because I knew it was Jakes scent, but it was delicious too because it was human.

I understood what Edward had tried to tell me then. It wasn't that I was thirsty, because I hadn't been before approaching the cottage; it was just the sheer attraction of the scent itself. I'd describe it to you as if you were an alcoholic and you've stayed off the stuff for three months. You've had a healthy dinner and a good strong coffee, you're not bored or depressed and then someone offers you a scotch. It doesn't matter that you aren't thirsty. It doesn't matter that you've sworn off it. You want it. You just want it because it smells so good and because you know it'll taste good too.

That was what Jake's blood smelled like to me. I hadn't ever tasted human blood and I didn't want to, but my brain and my body wanted it.

Edward would come. I didn't doubt that for a second. But he was downwind from me if he came from the house, and I knew he would, so his scent wouldn't hit me until he actually arrived. Until then it was just me, Jake and the forest.

I slowed to a jog when the place came into sight. It was tiny and hidden by a covering of branches and leaves borne from years of isolation and a lack of maintenance.

There was no sound from where I stood, at a distance of about thirty feet, and I panicked a little at the thought of Jake having perished before I had a chance to send him on his way myself.

So I moved a little closer and stood stock still outside the door and tried to do what Edward had taught me the day I'd awoken. I tried to isolate the sounds around me. I picked out and discarded the forest sounds. Deer, birds and insects all had specific sounds so I set those sounds aside. The traffic noise was minimal this deep in the woods so the tiny rumble way off in the distance I ignored too. I couldn't smell anything other than Jake and normal forest scents so I knew the rest of the family weren't near either.

The only sound after all else had been accounted for was the shallow sound of breathing and the erratic heartbeat of a monster. He was still alive, though quite possibly barely, and I remember feeling elated about that.

I hadn't tested my strength on anything other than deer since I'd woken a vampire. I'd run as fast as I could, I'd hunted and had slaked my thirst, but I'd never pitted myself against anything or anyone else. So it was a bit of a surprise when I put my shoulder to the front door of the cottage that it splintered as though it were made of paper.

Jake screamed as I burst into the place and I remember liking that too. I wanted him afraid. I wanted him afraid of _me_.

My venom was a lake in my mouth by that point. I had to suck it back just to be able to speak without drowning the pathetic lump who sat bound to a kitchen chair in the middle of a totally empty house.

His scent wasn't the only thing that stank either. He'd sat in his own excrement for days, probably since the day we'd fought in my kitchen. His cheeks were hollow and his eyes were dull and flat. He sat slumped; his chin to his chest, and it was an effort to raise his head to see me even though he'd managed to find the energy to scream.

"Oh Jesus, thank Christ it's you Bella," he mumbled. "Get me the hell out of here," he begged.

He thought I was there to rescue him? I just smiled at him. "Oh, how sweet. You want my help," I laughed. I circled the chair twice then got down on my knees in front of him so he could see my face. "I begged you for help for four years Jake. I begged you to help me find Edward and you said you'd tried everything you could and I believed you," I hissed.

He raised his head and I saw the rage in his eyes. There was fight left in him yet. "This again?" he sneered. "I told you he was a liar and not right for you and you're **still** pissed at me for keeping you apart?"

I got up off my knees and laughed at him then. Really laughed. I threw my head back and just let rip. It was comical. His faith in his own ability to persuade me was funny.

"I think I might have gone a little ways passed pissed, Jake," I whispered as I approached him again. I put a finger under his chin and made him look up at me. "Take a look at me Jake, a really good look. See anything different?" I asked casually.

I knew when he spotted my bright red irises because his eyes widened and his heart rate doubled. "What the fuck did they do to you?" he asked shakily.

"Oh, how nice, brotherly concern," I chuckled. "_They_ didn't do anything to me, Edward did. He made me strong enough to do what I need to do."

He stared at me a little longer and his voice cracked when he spoke, "What do you need to do?"

I didn't bother answering, he'd work it out for himself soon enough and I was out of time. I could hear Edward's footfalls as he jogged – quite slowly which made me think he wasn't wholly opposed to what I was going to do – down the path towards us.

I slit the cords at Jakes wrists and then those that were holding his ankles to the chair. He let out a sigh of relief as he flexed his arms and put his shaking legs out in front of himself to get the circulation moving.

It heightened his scent, as he moved, and I swallowed another gob of venom down as I watched him. It took him three tries to stand, but he did eventually. He was unsteady and reached for me to lean against but I didn't want him touching me so I stepped aside and let him flounder. He righted himself then stood staring at me intently.

He was in no condition to fight me off should I choose to attack him, or to protect himself from me, and I found that I couldn't quite bring myself to care. I remember wondering if it was unfair that I wasn't human anymore and I found that I didn't really care about that either. He was a bastard and I was a vampire. We both came to the table with flaws.

Without balance and strength there was nothing he could try but words. He made a valiant effort to coerce me but by that stage I was immune to his brand of bullshit.

Once he was a little steadier he rose to his full height he towered over me. But I wasn't afraid anymore. He couldn't hurt me, even at full strength there was nothing he could do to me that would hurt. But he didn't know that, so he reverted to type.

"I kept you away from him because he's evil, Bella," he said condescendingly. "You're a woman living on your own and you think you love him, but he's evil. He's kept me here all this time and he'll hurt you too one day. I was just trying to protect my little sister from that."

I could smell Edward now. He was just outside the cottage. He hadn't barged in and begged me to show compassion so I ignored his presence as best I could.

"Edward isn't evil, Jake. And he'll never hurt me. Nobody will ever hurt me again," I told him vaguely. He couldn't know what I meant and he wasn't going to live long enough to make sense of it, so I said it for Edward's sake, not Jakes. "And I do love him. I don't _think_ I do, I _know_ I do. Because he's accepted me for who I am and because we make each other happy. He's everything I've ever wanted and you would've seen that in him if you truly knew me." I began to circle him again then. I wasn't going to show any weaknesses because I didn't have any anymore. He followed me with his eyes as I did it and he must have noticed how fluidly I moved now because his heart rate rose again. "But you are right about one thing, Jake. He did keep you here. He kept you here for me. So that I could be the one to decide what to do about you. He made sure you'd be here when I woke because he knows me so well. He knew I'd want to finish this for myself. He knows the rules about being a dominant and he knows that what I start I need to finish."

Despite the fact that he'd been held prisoner for a week, was covered in his own piss and shit and he hadn't had the use of his extremities for the whole time he did his best to intimidate me. I could smell the fear pouring off him, but he tried all the same.

"You can try, Bella, but you're no match for me," he sneered. "I'll have you incapacitated in seconds and then I'll take you home and teach you some manners."

I had to laugh at that. He couldn't know anyone had found his dungeon set up but it was funny to think that he believed he could just take me there. Even as a human I'd have fought like a stuck pig but as a vampire he just had no hope of ever achieving that.

"Manners?" I chuckled. "You want to each me some manners? Wow. I thought you hated the lifestyle Jake? You've told me for years how sordid it is, how disgusting you find all that. But now you want to teach me some manners like a submissive? Sorry Jake, I don't do submissive."

"Fucking whore," he mumbled under his breath but I heard it. This new hearing might be weird but it was fucking handy. "I'm leaving Bella. I'm going to walk right out that door and you're coming with me whether you want to or not," he sneered.

"I don't think so Jake," I told him casually. "I've promised my mate I'd clean up my mess and that's what I'm going to do, so I won't be going anywhere with you and you won't be leaving."

If Edward was going to stop me he had his chance to do it. But he didn't. He stood in what was left of the doorway and he watched me stalk my brother. Jake was utterly terrified and I found I liked that. I wanted him scared, I wanted him to know who was going to kill him and I wanted him to know why.

So as I closed the distance between us I told him why. I held him up by his throat, his feet dangling and kicking, and I told him why I was killing him.

He couldn't speak because I was squeezing his windpipe and he coughed and choked when I let him go. I gave him just enough time to take in some oxygen and then I grabbed him again. I threw him up against a wall and I told him exactly what I'd learned about him. I tossed him against the opposite wall and when he'd recovered enough from that fall I threw him against another. And all the while I told him why.

When he lay crumpled at my feet, bleeding from his nose and his mouth, I told him that I was a vampire and that even I couldn't tolerate the scent of his evil blood.

He lay gasping up at me, shocked and beaten, appalled and terrified and as I reached for him for the last time he begged me to let him live.

So I gave in.

I let him live.

I spared his evil, wasted life.

For another four seconds.

And then I tore his body in two and threw the pieces to the floor.

"And now, Jake, you really are half the man I thought you were before," I spat and walked calmly towards the front door.

I was covered in blood and had pieces of my dead human brother under my fingernails but Edward still reached for me the instant I was close enough to him.

I kissed him hard on his mouth, just once, and then I took his hand and led him home.

My mess was cleaned up and I had a future with a mate to plan.

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**A/N: Well. She did it. Let the complaining begin ;)**

**Thank you for reading. **

**Please review. **


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N: This was to be the last chapter of the actual story, followed by an epilogue, but it turned out to be far too long. I'd ask for forgiveness for where I've left this one off, but know I'll get none ;)**

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**The aftermath. **

When I'd cleaned the blood from my mates body and she was dressed in comfortable clothing I laid her on our bed and left her to rest.

She admitted she needed a 'moment' and whilst I'd been grateful that she allowed me the honour of bathing her I knew that she wanted to be alone with her thoughts for a little bit after I'd made sure she was comfortable.

I understood that and left her to it. I needed a moment for myself if I'm to be truly honest.

I'd watched from the ruins of the cottages front door as my mate had torn her step brother in half and I'd done nothing to prevent it or stop it. I'd known when she left the house that was what she'd be likely to do, kill him not taunt him or shred him, but I knew that I'd return to the house with Bella and that Jake would die in the cottage.

I'd killed before. I'd even watched it before. We'd all done it – except Carlisle – and when we did it was because we couldn't control our thirst, that and possessing a new strength we didn't understand at the time. What Bella had done had come from rage. And I'd made sure of it by showing her the box as I had. Once inside the cottage she'd controlled her thirst and she'd been in full control of her new body and its strength too. She'd calculated how much force to use and she'd thought through the processes that would give her the opportunity to carry out the act itself.

If she'd struggled with the scent of his blood she didn't show it. If her fledgling ability to control her thirst had bothered her while she toyed with him she'd shown no sign of that either. She was either remarkably in control for a newborn vampire or she hadn't been completely human in the first place. You and I both know, dear reader, that she'd been all human, so that meant she was just a gifted newborn. And I was proud of her. My pride in her had swelled inside me as I'd watched her mete out her revenge on Jake.

And when it was done she spared no further thought for it and came to me. Right to me. She hadn't freaked out about the blood on her hands, body or face. She hadn't had a panic attack about what she'd just done or what was going to happen after. She didn't freak out because she'd lost control. She didn't appear to have been worried about the consequences of what she'd done either. She just walked to where I'd stood in the doorway, kissed me and then led me by the hand back to the house.

She either trusted that we the Cullen's, as her new family, would make it right and protect her from whatever form of the law came for her after she'd murdered Jake, or she truly didn't care and thought that if a punishment was coming her way she'd take it. I had no idea which at the time.

The times that I'd lost control and had slipped and taken a human life I'd been wracked with guilt, shame, regret and remorse. I could still feel every one of those things now if I thought about those I'd murdered. And it was murder. They hadn't been accidents, I hadn't been careful and I had killed mercilessly and without impunity. But each incident had left me with the heavy heart of a killer.

What Bella had done wasn't an accident either and I was an accomplice to it. As her sire I should have stopped her, or attempted to if that proved impossible. As her mate I should have implored her to stop and think before acting. As a man I should have guided her and as a Cullen I should have alerted the family when she'd run from the house.

But I hadn't done any of those things. I'd let her run and I'd followed at a jog. I got to the cottage in time to stop it happening and I had the strength and the experience to prevent the eventual ending of a life if I'd gone inside once she'd told him he wasn't to live another day.

But I hadn't because I wanted him dead too.

I wanted him gone and I wanted Bella to be the one to do it. I'd have done it myself had she faltered. I wanted the clean slate she'd given us enough to have done it myself if she fell at the last hurdle. And I'd known that about her and about myself as I'd run toward the cottage.

And now that it was done I felt free. Free to live with and love my mate. Free from interference and free from the heavy feeling in my gut from holding onto the information she'd had a right to know about her brother.

In the years to come I might regret how I'd handled the whole damn thing, but right then, I didn't. I just didn't.

So while my mate lay on our bed and tried to come to terms with what was in front of her from there on in I did what a Cullen should. I called the cell phone of each pair of our coven and I told them to come home. I gave no details and I didn't wait on the line long enough to be questioned. I simply called the three numbers in turn and told our family to come home.

And come they did. Fast. It was only minutes before the eight of us were once again under one roof. Nothing could disguise the smell of Jakes blood in my bathroom and on the discarded clothing Bella had worn whilst she ended him so I didn't bother trying to hide it from the family as they came into the living room.

I paid attention as they entered the house. They were cautious but each of them gasped as the scent inside hit them as they came through the back door.

I asked them all to sit down and to just listen. I didn't run through anything in my head, I just told them. Straight up.

"I showed Bella the contents of the box and explained what you'd seen in Jakes basement, Jaz," I told the group. "I let her make her own decision and I stood and watched as she ended him herself."

Nobody seemed stunned or particularly shocked. Nobody grimaced or protested. Nobody raged at me for letting it happen. Not even the women who I assumed still didn't know what was in that basement. They simply accepted it. Whether that was because they agreed with her decision, or mine to let it happen, I didn't know.

Carlisle wasn't happy, and I didn't blame him, but he didn't disown me, or Bella and he didn't admonish me in any way. He simply nodded, accepted the decision she'd made, and stayed silent.

"He had it coming," was all Emmett would say on it.

"If she hadn't I would have," Alice admitted.

"And I'd have helped," Jasper added.

"I'm glad she got to do it," was Rose' only comment.

Esme said nothing. If she agreed or disagreed she didn't say.

"She's upstairs resting but I need to go back to the cottage, will someone look in on her?" I asked nobody in particular.

The guys – Carlisle included – were on their feet before I finished speaking. "We'll do whatever you need," Emmett told me and moved towards the back door.

"We'll stay with her," Alice told me and I thanked her.

"See if she'll call her dad," I suggested and then waited while the three women went up the stairs towards my room before addressing the men. "It's not pretty down there. I don't expect you to help me with this. She's my mate and I'm happy to clean this up."

"Not happening. She's my sister, I'm in," Emmett announced firmly and went out the door to wait for me on the lawn.

"Same," was all Jasper said as he too went outside.

"She's a Cullen now," Carlisle declared simply.

We walked to the cottage. Nobody was in a hurry. We didn't say much and what was said was more about how Bella had handled herself rather than about what she'd actually done. They'd see the result for themselves soon enough and they'd know then.

Apart from Emmett's verbal 'oh fuck' when we went inside nobody spoke. We didn't bother burying what was left of Jake either. I just kicked the two pieces into the centre of the room and set about tearing the place down.

Emmett and Jasper pulled down some interior walls and piled all the rubble on top of the body. Carlisle ran through what was left of the place and pulled as much combustible material into the living room as he could carry.

In twenty minutes it was an empty shell with a pyre in the main room. I had nothing to say but offered the others a chance to if they wished. They shook their heads in turn and then I set the pyre alight.

We retreated to a safe distance to watch it burn – vampires and fire didn't mix. We stood in the shade of a tall pine and watched the cottage consume itself and Jake. And then we ran home. It seemed that would be an end to it for me and for them.

My mate had killed her brother and we'd destroyed any evidence of it.

They might not have understood me for the past few years, or tried very hard to, but they understood this. Nobody balked and there were no recriminations. I had a mate and it was my duty to clean up her kill. They had a new sister, and daughter, and it was their responsibility as my family to help me do that. It was that simple. Bella had killed Jake, had made a bloody mess whilst doing it, the Cullen men cleaned that mess up. Done.

The girls, minus Bella, came downstairs when we came indoors and once they had checked over their mates they asked what had happened at the cottage.

I told them it was done and left it at that. If the boys wanted to fill their mates in on what they'd seen and done in the cottage they would do it during their private hours after dark.

I went upstairs and checked on Bella briefly and asked if she wanted to join us downstairs. I told her there were things we needed to take care of now and plans that needed to be made to cover up what had occurred. She said she trusted me to handle it and that she wanted to be alone a little longer.

I had to believe she knew what she was doing and I told her that I'd protect her and I'd make it all disappear if that was what she wanted. She said she did want that from me and I left her to her thoughts.

I was elated that she trusted me to do that for her. I asked her to listen to what we were going to plan on her behalf and told her that if she wanted us to do anything differently she should just make that known. I told her we were good at this part, the making things go away business, and she seemed content to listen but not participate.

I didn't worry about her state of mind and I didn't worry that she'd come to regret what she'd done. She didn't seem depressed or particularly worried for anything or anyone so I left her and returned to the family.

I sat in the dining room with the family and we mapped out how Jakes demise was likely to be seen and what we could do to make it seen the way _we_ needed it to look.

Nobody would ever find Jake, or any trace of him, and not a single Cullen had any connection to him other than me, and I wasn't going to be looked at too closely because I'd resigned my membership to his organisation almost a year before. So that tenuous link could be proved, and discarded, quite easily if I was ever questioned on it.

But, I had talked to Libby that day to explain Jake's absence and I had given her my cell and fax number. She hadn't used them, but she'd have kept them on file. So I ditched both numbers – they were untraceable anyway, Jasper always made sure just in case – and that ended any trail that could be followed that would lead to me when Jake never returned to his offices. I was just a former client who happened to be dating the guys little sister.

Same could be said for the Maine branch of the organisation. I'd been a member there too, but Bella never had, so a previous link between us couldn't be proven there either.

Bella would be the one obvious link that _would_ be looked at closely. And not because she'd be seen as a suspect in her brothers disappearance but because she would need to be ruled out as one. It was standard procedure. We'd faced it before and knew exactly what to do.

We all decided that it wasn't unusual, or inappropriate, for his car to have been at her house the last time he'd been seen there and that Alice had unknowingly given Bella the perfect alibi. She'd called Bella's house phone on the day Jake was last known to be alive and could vouch for the fact that when Jake left he had been perfectly healthy and in good spirits.

I didn't need to ask Alice if she would corroborate that story because I knew that she would and she said so when it was suggested that would be a good way to go. We'd all done it for one another over the years and this wasn't anything unusual for us. It's sad to admit that, but we were vampires and vampires sometimes killed people. Those people needed to disappear and they needed to be disappeared in a way that didn't implicate one of us. I'm not proud of it, but it's how things are.

If anyone noticed Bella's vehicle being driven away from her residence they _should_ assume that she herself had been driving it. If they'd taken a closer look and had seen Carlisle driving it we'd stick to our original explanation. She was my girlfriend, my dad's a doctor, she felt sick, and he drove us home so he could watch over her condition for a few days. Simple.

We checked and doubled checked that on paper I was a twenty-two year old piano instructor from Forks and left Bella's details as they were. She _was_ a twenty-three year old copywriter from Port Angeles. Perfectly normal relationship, we met by chance in a club in Port Angeles and had been dating ever since. That's all that needed to be said on that if we were ever asked.

There would be no mention, from us, of Bella and me ever having met in Maine. The only person who knew about that besides us was Jake. If he had information to prove that in his office we didn't need to lie about it because I hadn't known who she was in Maine and she hadn't known who I was. Depending on how the question of our meeting was posed to us we could choose between having met in Port Angeles or Maine. It was true that Jake knew who I was and that he knew Bella had been searching for me. If it needed to come out that he'd kept us apart on purpose then that's what would come out. Neither Bella nor I had done anything wrong up until the point we'd met again in Port Angeles.

Rose had already assured me that Sam Uley wasn't actively looking for Jake, or keeping tabs on Bella, so unless he changed that we could keep an eye on him and leave him to his own devices. If he began looking for either of them in earnest Bella would need to 'pop' up at her own home, but that wasn't going to be a problem either. So Jakes spy was covered.

Felix was an employee of Jakes so if he raised the alarm about his missing employer that would work in our favour too. As far as we knew he wasn't actively following me at the moment, but Jasper assured me he'd know if he began again. Jasper and I were going to have to have a talk about his spying skills. They were far too good.

Any longer term alibi could be provided by the fine, upstanding citizens of the Cullen residence. Doctor and Missus Cullen and their well behaved, community minded children would provide excellent character references for Ms Swan if asked. We could say, without lying, that Bella had been with us since leaving her home seven days ago. She was my lover and she'd been staying with me. She had a good relationship with her step brother and they'd been seen by Alice having a perfectly normal visit the day he'd been seen last.

Her home had been cleaned and the recording devices removed, so if anyone needed to check it over they'd find nothing out of the ordinary. Where the results of those recording devices were kept was yet to be determined. Jasper hadn't found anything at Jakes residence and there was no way to know if he had them stashed elsewhere. But we decided it didn't matter. If they ever surfaced it would look bad for Jake, not for Bella because she'd never known anything about them.

Jakes house was free of his 'collection' and if anything untoward was found there it was nothing to do with Bella. It could provide motive for why she'd want him 'disappeared' but it would have to be proven that she'd known about his sick obsession. It couldn't be proven, so we didn't need to worry too much about that either.

There was nothing at Jake's to give any indication where he'd been or when he'd return. His car was where it should be. His house was locked up tight and the security system was on and working correctly.

Once we'd covered all the bases we knew about we switched to how to deal with Charlie Swan. He was going to notice that his step son wasn't around, if he hadn't already.

None of us knew how often he had contact with either Jake or Bella, but he was going to notice the absence of one or both of them all the same.

Once he'd talked to Bella that would sort out that half of the problem, but he was going to ask her when the last time she'd seen Jake was and she'd need to be ready to say that it was a week ago, while she had her friend Alice visiting.

To pre-empt any further issues about Bella's part in her brother's disappearance we all agreed that it should be Bella who reported him missing. And that she should do it via her father.

Before she decided on that I needed to ask her what she wanted to do about Jakes house.

So I thanked my family for all their help and then I went to my mate.

She was right where I'd left her. On our bed, reclining casually.

She accepted me into her arms as I lay down with her and I felt her kiss me ever so softly at the temple before she began stroking my forearm. It was bliss. Utter bliss.

We lay like that for the longest time. Nothing needed to be said of too much importance, or anything that couldn't wait while we were simply together. It had been a very tense few days. She'd been assaulted in her own home, escaped death by being changed, woken to find herself a vampire, learned about the treachery of her brother and had killed him with her own hands.

The need for a little silence and physical comfort was to be expected. What wasn't expected was that she'd seek it from me.

But she did.

She held me tight and continued stroking my arm and never said a word. She didn't seem blue, just contemplative.

After an hour of just 'being' she whispered that she was ready to talk. When I tried to untangle myself from her so I could face her she tightened her arms around me and kept me right where I was. Right. No eye contact for this part. Got it I remember thinking to myself.

Of course she'd heard every word we'd said downstairs so I began by asking her if there was anything the family had discussed that she needed changed, or clarified or we'd gotten wrong. She said there wasn't and I believed her. She had no reason to lie and I knew she understood the importance of tying up all the loose ends.

"I think you should call your dad," I said softly knowing she'd told Alice she wasn't ready to do it while the boys and I had cleaned up the cottage.

I felt her nod before she spoke, "I'll do it first thing tomorrow morning," she agreed. "I think you're right, by the way. It should be me who asks Charlie if he's heard from Jake this week. It has to be me who raises the alarm, especially if it comes out what he's been hiding in his house."

I agreed and told her so. "Any thoughts on whether or not you want us to clean out Jakes house before you report him missing?" I asked.

"What chance is there that his basement won't be found?" she asked in reply.

"I can't say for sure, it was Jasper who found it in the first place and I haven't seen it for myself. What are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking that if the basement is found as it is it'll give me motive to kill him," she said matter of factly.

"You know that we all agree with that," I told her, "so what would you like us to do about it?" It had to be her choice. This was her brother and his house and it was really nothing to do with any of us.

"You told the girls that it was done, I don't know what that means but if it means that there's going to be no trace of him then I think I don't care if anyone finds what he's been hiding in his basement."

I thought for a moment about what I should tell her about what we'd done in the cottage and figured that she had a right to know what we'd done with his body. "We razed the cottage to the ground. The only thing to be found out there now is a pile of ashes. There's no reason for anyone to look here and even if they did, with the rain we get here, it'll only be a few days before there'll be nothing to find."

I felt her nod against the top of my head before she spoke again. "Good. And thank you. I'll tell the boys thank you too..." she trailed off at the end as though she was thinking ahead of herself so I stayed quiet. She kissed my temple again and gave my arm a squeeze, "You've done so much for me already," she whispered, "but will you do one more thing?"

"We don't need your thanks and anything, I'll do anything, Bella," I told her honestly.

She was silent for another moment and I let her have it without interruption. Whatever it was she needed me to do for her was obviously important.

Her body gave a little shake, like a human would shiver, and it startled me. "Bella?" I asked carefully.

She patted my arm tenderly and then leaned over a little to whisper the most glorious words into my ear, "Take me home, Edward. Bring your bag. I need you."

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**A/N: I've written most of the next chapter and won't keep you waiting long. A day at the most. **

**Thank you for reading,**

**Please review. **


	25. Chapter 25

**A/N: This is the last chapter of this story and apart from an epilogue it will close out Edward's tale. **

**In Chapter Two Edward begged your indulgence while he told you his story so that you could form an opinion for him when he was done. This chapter ends his story and at the bottom of the epilogue he will ask for that opinion from you. **

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I shot off that bed like it was on fire. Bella giggled as I gave my duffel bag a mighty kick as I tore off through the house collecting the things I needed. I had the bag slung over my shoulder and my keys, her house keys, my wallet and our new cells in my possession so fast I must have moved at a blur even to her vampire eyes.

I dangled her house keys from my index finger and smirked, "Do bad girls need to be shown the way home, or do they know the way for themselves?" I asked cockily.

She leapt the four feet between where she sat on the bed to where I stood, snatched her keys from my finger, leapt out the back window of our room and took off down the back yard. I called out to the others that we'd be gone till first light then leapt to the ground myself.

She was a newborn and she was naturally fast but I could've caught her if I'd wanted to, I just didn't want to. I wanted her to get there first. I wanted her waiting for me just as she had as she'd stood on the stoop of the apartment building in Maine. I wanted her to crook her finger at me, beckon me inside. I wanted her to lead me into the room and instruct me. I wanted to recreate, as best I could, how it had all started. And whether she wanted that too or she figured that I did she didn't let me down.

I approached her dark, quiet neighbourhood at a walk but inside I was racing. Everything about me was racing. My mind, my venom and my cock were all on fast forward.

I came upon her house from the street and there she was, on the porch waiting for me. She was grinning from ear to ear and it was that same confident, arrogant grin from Maine. But she didn't crook her finger to beckon me and I found myself needing her to do it.

"Do as you did in Maine," I whispered across the drive to her so lowly no human would hear.

Her brows creased as she thought about the request and then that grin returned. She cocked her head to one side and looked directly at me and then she very slowly crooked her finger. I felt my cock twitch and blew out the unnecessary breath I'd been holding.

I joined her on the porch in half a second and I twitched again as she drove the key home in the lock. It seemed metaphorical. But then again I could've just been so horny I'd have seen anything she did as a come on.

Once inside she took the cell phones from my hand and put them on the console table in the hall. "You won't ever need to call a saviour again," she giggled.

I put my wallet and keys with the cells and dropped the duffel bag on the floor in the hall. Anything else she wanted me to do she'd have to instruct me I thought as I stood in the doorway to the living room.

Bella moved to the centre of the room and shoved the coffee table to one side. "Bring me the bag, lover," she instructed and I did as I was told. I stood at the edge of the room and watched as she emptied the bags contents onto the coffee table and inspected each item. She sniffed first the lube and then the lotion and put them both on the table. She stood the shampoo and conditioner on their ends at the far edge of the table; we wouldn't need those for quite a while. The robe and its matching pair of towels she threw onto an armchair, they were for after too.

She eyed the spreader bar carefully but left it in the bag, we wouldn't be needing that. But when she got to my favourite items she smiled appreciatively and told me what good choices I'd made.

She laid out the rope, the karabiners and my very favourite cords in their various lengths. She left the best item till last, my beloved collar. She inspected it carefully. She sniffed it and closed her eyes as she did. The leather was supple and smooth and I began to twitch again as I watched her run her fingers around the inside of it, where it was going to touch my throat. "It's beautiful," she whispered as she fingered its clasp. All I could do was nod but she didn't see it because she couldn't take her eyes off the collar. "Has anyone else worn this?" she asked.

"No. I had two. I threw the one I used on my subs away. That's mine and I've never worn it," I told her.

"Good," she said sternly and put the collar back on the table. I was disappointed, I had hoped she'd collar me first. "Shall we set some rules?" she asked as she came to stand in front of me. I was near to panting by the time her aroused scent flooded my mouth and nose as she neared. "Firstly I'll need your name?" she asked huskily.

This was new. She didn't want my name in Maine and she didn't give me hers. I toyed with just saying my own name but knew that wasn't what she was really asking for. She'd never known the name I'd chosen for myself as a member and I found that it heightened my excitement to think she might use it with me as we played. "Fifty-six," I all but wheezed. My throat was thick with venom and my voice was little more than a raspy croak my anticipation was so high.

She whispered the name to herself then nodded firmly. "You may call me Shadow inside the arena," she declared. "Second, we don't need protection, so we'll dispense with that. Third, your safe word will be Pandora. I've never given that safe word to anyone else to use and it will remain yours until you decide to change it. I doubt you'll need it, but you may use it at will. You will not be punished for doing so, I swear this to you," she whispered as she began to circle me. She slapped my ass and I let out the obligatory 'oomph' as I hoped she expected me too. "Quiet!" she hissed at my left shoulder. "You do not speak unless I instruct you to." She continued to circle me and slapped my ass a second time as she moved behind me. My cock was threatening to rip the front of my jeans open but I found I couldn't make myself move to adjust it. I hadn't been told to remain still but I wanted to please her. "Strip," she barked in that snarky, confident tone I loved so much.

I waited until she had perched on the edge of the sofa and then did as I was instructed. It was just as it had been in Maine with only one difference. She knew I was a vampire now. I hadn't ever wondered whether that would make a difference but now, as I stood there in front of my dominant mate I found that it did. I didn't need to pretend I was a human any longer. She knew what I was, she'd accepted it and she had taken my venom inside her to become as I was. I knew what approach to take then.

I shredded my shirt and threw the pieces at her feet and then I reefed my jeans and boxers from my body with one swift movement, splitting them at the seams until they too were shredded. She closed her eyes when I was completely nude and I watched as her body gave one mighty shiver from head to toe. When she reopened her eyes they were almost black. She wasn't thirsty, she was hungry.

She began to circle me again then, just as she had in Maine. She ran her hand over my rump and then up my back and over my shoulder. "Nice," she whispered, "You must have been in good shape as a human," she added without humour. In Maine she'd said I took good care of my body but she knew that wasn't the case now, she knew why I looked the way I did so she changed her role to suit what she knew me to be now. When her hand cupped my balls I swallowed hard. "I've missed you, Fifty-six," she purred. I'd missed her too but could say nothing without permission so I nodded minutely instead. When her fingers curled around my length I had to groan, punishment or not, I couldn't hold it in. She grinned but didn't slap me, "As my pet you will never touch another," she hissed possessively, "_This_ is for your master and no other, you may reply," she instructed as she squeezed my engorged cock.

"No other, Master," I managed to choke out as she gave me another little squeeze.

She stroked me twice, gently and not with nearly enough pressure to ease the ache I'd been feeling since finding out she was alive. I had to reposition my feet to keep from buckling with need. She allowed me, without punishment to do so, but I was so in the zone I knew it would be the last thing I did without her permission.

She released me and moved to my left. She ran her fingers up over my shoulder and to the hair at my nape. I waited with unrepentant anticipation for the yank I hoped she'd give my hair. She did and I felt my balls clench. So good. "You're _mine_," she hissed. I wasn't likely to disagree so I simply stood there and revelled in the feeling of her fingers on my body. "I will touch no other and you will accept no other's touch," she growled and punctuated the seriousness of her statement with a mighty yank on my hair. I couldn't help the moan that escaped my throat and received a resounding slap to my bare ass for the indiscretion. Without warning she withdrew and moved away slightly. "You will remain here. Do not move. I will hear you if you do and you will be denied release if you defy me." And with that she left the room.

I didn't move a fucking muscle. I stood right where she'd told me to stay. I heard her moving about in her bedroom and then I heard the zip on her pants lowering. I wanted the pleasure of removing them myself and had hoped she'd instruct me to do so. I found myself disappointed that she'd denied me the pleasure. But my disappointment didn't last long.

I heard and smelled leather being tugged and pulled and then the unmistakable scent of her arousal wafted down the short hall.

She returned to the room after just two minutes dressed from head to toe in black leather. Skirt, boots and corset. An involuntary groan left my throat as she swished a riding crop through the fingers of her left hand.

She strode towards me with the confidence of an expert dominant and when she was once again in front of me she slid herself gracefully onto the arm of the sofa. As a vampire nothing would ever be an uncomfortable position for her ever again and as my brain began to throw up images of her reclining on every piece of furniture in the house I began to pant. That must have pleased her because she grinned but she said nothing as she hiked that sinful skirt to her hips and gave me the first glimpse of the black lace thong she wore beneath it. "On your knees," she instructed and I was there, face to face with those panties in a tenth of a second. As she had in Maine she used one finger to tug those panties aside and there was her glistening sex exposed for me for the first time in four years. "Long strokes," she instructed but she needn't have. I knew how this part went. I remembered every second of the routine she'd followed so long ago and like me it seemed as though she wanted to repeat it now. I made to bring my hands in front of me and open those ripe, swollen lips with my fingers but she continued with the routine. "Hands behind you, keep them there," she instructed and I had to grin at that.

I slid my hands down my thighs and rested them there and did as instructed. I closed my eyes as I raked my tongue across her flesh. Her scent had changed since her transformation and I delighted in the fact that her taste had too. She'd been ambrosial before but as I licked, in long strokes, through her lips and towards her clit I decided that her new taste was akin to heavenly now. It was now tinged with the spiciness of her own venom. I lapped at her with abandon as her juices coated my lips and tongue.

She hadn't allowed me but a few strokes in Maine. I'd felt disappointed at that back then. We had no time constraints now and I hoped she'd allow me to give her pleasure before we moved on to anything else. Thankfully she did.

I licked and sucked and tongued that swollen little bud and those plump lips for what seemed like hours but may have only been minutes in reality. Unlike Maine she did mewl and moan as her release neared. I increased the length of my stroke with my tongue as she writhed and earned another hard yank on my hair as my reward. Her scent strengthened the closer she got to climax and I found myself desperately needing to feel her come undone for me. But it wasn't what she wanted and as she instructed me to cease I felt disappointment flood my system.

I wanted her release, I wanted to give it to her, I didn't want her to strive for it herself. I wanted it to be my tongue and lips that gave it to her. But that wasn't the way of the dominant, nor should it be what a submissive wanted. But it was. Perhaps I had more to learn from her yet.

I stayed on my knees where I'd been instructed to be and Bella did as she'd done in 6C. She released the cups of her corset by undoing the clips at her shoulders and that allowed her breasts to spill out of it. She told me to tilt my head back and open my mouth and I did so willingly. I knew where this was headed this time and I couldn't wait to have each rosy, peaked nipple between my teeth.

With them cupped in the palms of her hands she lowered each breast into my waiting mouth in turn. She hovered over me so I had no way to control the amount of her flesh I could take into my mouth and with my hands still behind my back she knew it. She controlled her own pleasure, and any pleasure I could gain from the act too.

When her next instruction came I almost climaxed involuntarily. "Bite, don't suck," she sneered.

I'd waited a century to be given that order and spared a second to thank god for giving me my mate at last. And then I bit down on that pert little nub for the first time. Her moan was throaty and hearty and it increased my own pleasure tenfold as I allowed my venom to wash across her breast. She arched her back and thrust it harder against my mouth and I bit harder still.

Another flood of her scent washed over my face as she approached her release again and for the second time she denied herself, and me, the pleasure of realising it. She arched her back and returned to her full height but left me on my knees.

But I knew what would come next. I knew what she was going to do to me. I wanted it. I needed it. And she knew it.

The pleasure I'd given her was evident on her face as she stood but was quickly replaced by the arrogant sneer of my dominant as she moved towards the coffee table. She returned to where I knelt with the riding crop in her hand. She ran it over my ass, between my legs over my shoulder and then down my throat and over my abs. The smell of the new leather mixed with her arousal made me shiver but what she said next had my body quivering.

"I'll bind you now," she announced. This time I didn't wonder why she wanted to bind me and I didn't balk when she swished that crop across my ass and told me to stand. "Put your hands together at your lower back," she instructed and I did it without hesitation. I heard the slap of the crop as it hit the table and shivered again. She chose cord and I shuddered as she bound my hands with it. I loved the feel of it, the texture of its thick threads, the smell of it and knowing that it was Bella who was finally using it on me. She tied much tighter knots this time and gave the result a good, hard yank when she was satisfied. It satisfied me too. I'd never felt anything to rival the feeling since she'd done it the first time and I knew I would never be able to duplicate it, nor would I want to, with anyone other than her ever again.

Another cord was retrieved and then the order for me to turn and she was on the balls of her feet binding my ankles. These knots were much tighter than they'd been that first time too and they gave me even more sensual gratification because she now knew that she'd never truly hurt me. She knew she didn't need to tie them that tightly but she knew me well enough to know that I needed her to. I couldn't play like this with a human, she could never play this way with a human and use this much force or strength and it made me crave her more than I already did. She was perfect for me in every way.

As good as it felt to have her bind my wrists and ankles it was nothing compared to how good I felt when she snicked that collar around my throat.

"Lie on the floor, face down," she whispered when my feet were bound to her liking. There was no feeling of bewilderment as I got onto my stomach on the rug of her living room floor because I knew why she wanted me prone. I was no longer a newbie.

She took her time installing the thick band of leather at my throat which only increased my pleasure. She drew out the whole process and I loved her for it. She caressed the leather before she slid it under me and then she caressed me when it was around my neck. It was Bella who squeaked when she slid the clasp shut and she moaned audibly when she looped the karabiner and its length of cord through the loop in the collar.

I couldn't see her from my position so I was denied her facial expression but I could smell her and hear her moan as she gave a little tug on the cord. I felt it loosen then tighten as she wound it around her wrist. And then she tugged it again, hard.

"Oomph," I groaned and earned a slap to the ass for it. It was totally worth it.

"Your safe word is?" she hissed as she leaned over me.

"Pandora," I told her with a groan as she pulled on that fucking cord again.

"Again," she hissed, "Address me correctly," she demanded.

"Pandora, Shadow," I moaned.

She stepped away a little and I waited with barely concealed anticipation for whatever it was she'd reached for. It was the crop and I found myself once again panting in expectation. As the crop came down on my ass I had to clench my thighs together to stave off the orgasm the sting induced. "You are _mine_," she hissed so quickly I nearly missed it. Another sting of the crop against the backs of my legs had me drooling venom onto the rug under my face. "I am your Shadow, your master. Your first, your last," she barked as she whacked me again, harder this time and right across the cheeks of my ass.

The delicious sting made my body tremble and shiver. I fucking loved it and she wielded that thing like an expert. She waited just long enough between blows to allow me to suppress the need to cum and then she'd hit me again in another location and the whole process would start again. By the sixth strike I was panting and by the eighth I was so close to cumming I had to whisper my safe word.

She immediately withdrew and got down onto the floor beside me so she could see my face. She ran her hand across my ass to soothe what she must have thought was my pain and she asked me very carefully if I wished to be untied and then gave me permission to answer.

"No," I rasped between my clenched teeth. "But I'll cum if you continue," I told her truthfully.

She smiled and I got a glimpse of the wicked glint in her eyes before she got to her feet again and ordered me 'up'.

I didn't need to move in a human way with her anymore so I got to my feet easily. I didn't need to make it seem like it was difficult whilst bound anymore and although I _was_ bound I found that strangely freeing. I could finally be what I was.

The instant I was on my feet she began growling new orders at me. "You will not orgasm until I do. Nod if you understand," she told me as she circled me. You better fucking believe I nodded. "Use your safe word _only_ to alert me to your impending climax. Nod if you understand." I nodded again, violently.

With a shove to my shoulder she got me to move to where she wanted me. When I got to the back of the sofa she shoved me again and I assumed the position. Back to the sofa, ass against its upper edge.

She fronted me and we were eye to eye again. She craned her neck then licked her teeth releasing a waft of the venom in her mouth. "I'll have you now," she growled and gave a mighty tug on the cord.

As she knew it would the tug had me bent over at the waist slightly and as she turned her back to me she reached between her legs and pulled the thong from her body. The sound of it tearing made me groan and as the tiny scrap of lace hit the floor I took a deep pull of her scent.

I spared only the merest thought that all my hopes and wishes were about to be fulfilled and as she positioned me at her entrance with one hand and tugged on the cord with the other any further logical or rational thought was impossible.

I'd never had sex with another vampire, and Bella had never had sex _as_ a vampire, so neither of us knew what to expect. Her scream as she impaled herself on my cock startled me and mine startled her. The clench of her inner muscles nearly undid me then and there. The soft, lusciousness of her lips as they parted to accept me made my head spin. The warmth inside her moist, creamy depths floored me.

Whatever she felt as she pushed herself onto me fully must have overwhelmed her as much as it had me because she cried out and her whole body shook and shivered as she seated me tight inside her body.

And then she began to move. Long, languid strokes that made my balls tighten. The delicious sound of her wet flesh sliding across my marble hard length assaulted my ears and the scent of our combined excitement hung in the air like fog.

Knowing I could break the bindings and take her as I wished was the furthest thing from my thoughts as she rode me. I wanted her like this. I wanted her to take me like this.

All too soon she changed tempo. She went from smooth, measured strokes to writhing and bucking and I did the only thing I could. I stood there while she fucked me. I stood there bound at the wrists, ankles and controlled by the collar and its cord and I watched as my mate took her pleasure from my cock.

She rocked and screamed. She thrashed and screamed some more. All nonsensical verbal clues to tell me that she loved it. And all the while I watched. I kept my eyes trained on where we were joined. The perfect orbs of her ass, the long length of her spine and her moist lips sliding back and forth on my dick. Gone was the thumping of her heartbeat but in its place was the rhythmic grunting as she got closer and closer to her climax.

I felt the spasm begin deep inside her and closed my eyes as her release rushed through her and through my cock as she came on it. She screamed my name, my true name, and I felt her knees give just a little as the full force of her orgasm took her over. She whimpered and mewled her way through it.

As it had been in Maine it was the rhythmic tugging on the cord that undid me. As each pulse of her release washed over her she involuntarily tugged the cord in time with the throb of her muscles. I couldn't handle it. Feeling her pulsate from inside her, watching her ass push back and forth in perfect time with it and then the cord tightening and slackening was too much for me and I too screamed her real name as my climax crashed through my body.

I felt it in my balls first and as my seed burst out of my body and in to hers she screamed again which only heightened my pleasure. It went on and on. The feeling engulfed me. Jets of my cum streamed out of me and into her and with each pulsing beat of it she rocked and tugged the cord.

I'd never felt anything like it. It was such a complete indulgence of every one of my senses I too buckled at the knees as I rode it out.

We stayed like that for a long time. Totally silent but both lost to the sensation overload. After a few minutes she took in a deep breath that she didn't need. She never let the cord slacken as she slid off me, and she kept it taught in her hand as she stood to face me.

She cupped my cheek with her free hand and smiled. "That was wonderful my love," she whispered and it made my heart sing. She kissed the corner of my mouth and gave the collar a little tug, "Let's get you cleaned up."

Bella still had the cord in her hand as she led me from the living room and into the bathroom. I waddled along, just as I had in Maine, with my ankles and wrists still bound and followed where I was led. Once inside the tiny room she had me sit on the edge of the tub while she undid the bindings.

Now that I knew she loved me I could feel the tenderness to her touch. I'd thought it was care and affection at our first encounter but now I knew it to be so much more. Gone from her countenance was the fierceness and dominance and in its place was the sweet, kind hearted girl I knew her to be. She caressed and kissed my flesh where the cords had been even though she knew for certain now that they hadn't hurt me. I hoped she did it because it gave her pleasure to care for me and because she knew I craved it from her.

I didn't know if it was odd, or stupid, but I found myself worrying about the removal of my collar. I felt so comfortable in it, with its leash around my mates wrist, and I didn't really want it just taken from me now that the sex was over. So when she reached for it I stilled her hand with my own.

"Leave it?" I asked softly.

She cocked her head to one side and stared at me for a second or two then nodded her agreement. She did undo the karabiner and put it and the leash with the other cords, but the collar stayed right where it was. She ran a finger beneath it and rubbed my skin slowly. "It's beautiful on you," she whispered as she ran her fingers over it and under it again, "I love how it looks against your skin." She bent to kiss me softly on my lips just once. "Will you wear it for me here, in this house, where we play?" she asked somewhat hesitantly.

I closed my eyes and ran those words through my mind. She knew me. This girl knew me. She understood me and she knew how wonderful her acceptance of what I needed was to me. When I opened my eyes she was still there, close to me and I smiled and nodded my acceptance of her wishes. I took her cheeks between my hands, kissed her softly in return and told her how much I loved her and how thankful I was that we'd found one another.

Her smile was radiant. Even in the gloomy half light of twilight it lit up that tiny room like a star. She fussed with the taps on the tub a little then asked me to sit tight while she returned to the living room to fetch what she needed.

Her beautiful smile was still present when she returned with the towels the robe and the bottles she'd need to complete the ritual. She laid each item out neatly by the edge of the tub and then turned the water off.

"Let me bathe you, sweetheart," she whispered and took my hand. She kept it in hers once I was settled into the tub and then she climbed in with me. She sat perched between my knees and we laid back and just relaxed into the hot water for a few moments.

There was no need to speak. There was nothing that could be said that would convey how we felt about one another any better than how we held each other tight and languished in that tub. It wasn't huge and we both had our knees bent so we'd fit but it worked for us. If we'd had a bigger tub we'd miss the extreme closeness of the space and I was grateful for the intimacy we could share in it.

I found I didn't miss the opulence of the boudoir in 6C. This was Bella's home and everything in it was hers, just hers. She'd told me already that she didn't play in her home so I knew that this was the first time and I would be the first and only submissive to ever enjoy it with her there.

Everything in her bathroom still carried her human scent but I knew that that would fade and be replaced by the spicy freshness of her vampiric one. This was her space and she'd filled it with the things she liked and loved. The towels that awaited our exit from the tub I'd purchased in Maine but everything else was pure Bella. The collection of perfume bottles lined up on the windowsill, the wicker basket that still held her dirty clothing. The vanilla candles that lined the shelf over the tub and the hair bands and makeup brushes that sat in containers on the vanity counter. She'd marked her territory with bobby pins, as all human women did, and I found it comfortable and charming to be cared for in that space.

Without too much warning Bella reached over the lip of the tub and took the liquid soap bottle into her hands. My anticipation of what was to come made my senses ignite once again. This was the part I'd waited for for so long. She squeezed a small amount of the gelatinous liquid into her palm and began bathing me at my feet. She massaged where the bindings had been around my ankles and dug her thumbs expertly into my calves as she travelled up my legs.

I laid my head back on the tiled tub surround and closed my eyes while she cared for my body. Turning slightly, as much as the tub would allow, she slid her hands over my thighs and washed the evidence of our coupling from my manhood with a gentle caress. I moaned at that, revelling in her touch as she moved on to my abs and then my chest. She giggled when I startled as she washed under my arms and giggled again when she ran the tip of her finger around my navel. She might not have known that I was ticklish – or capable of being ticklish as a vampire – but I hadn't known either. I'd never let anyone touch me this way before.

And then I came to a startling realisation. Without love being a part of the aftercare I'd still been missing an essential part of the experience. Bella loved me and it showed in every touch of her hand and every kiss she placed on my body. She showed me that love as she explored my body for the first time. She'd had sex with me in Maine and she'd bathed me afterwards but she'd never taken the time to discover my contours for herself. As she did I came to see that even the dominant's I'd allowed to care for me over the years hadn't really wanted to learn anything about my body, they'd simply been fulfilling their obligation to complete the rituals and to discharge their responsibilities to me as their submissive.

But as Bella used her fingers to learn about my body I felt the warm rush of contentment work its way through me. This was what I'd been missing. I may have found my place in the world order by discovering that I was a submissive, but there had still been something not wholly fulfilling about it. Not until I was being cared for by the woman who truly loved me. The woman who was my mate and my forever.

We switched places in the tub so Bella could sit behind me to wash my hair. I moaned my way through the whole process as she rubbed hard with her fingertips against my scalp. That same warm contented feeling washed over me again as she made sure I was clean and relaxed. It felt so good that by the time we were ready to exit the tub I was rock hard again.

Bella smirked as I stood from the cooling water but said nothing. She'd yet to experience the ease with which I could rebound from an orgasm and I was looking forward to initiating her to that in time.

But first she needed to dry my body. She took one of the towels between her hands and began with my hair, just as she had in Maine. It was tricky to wipe down the leather collar, and my skin beneath it, but she didn't suggest I take it off and I wouldn't have unless she insisted. She simply did her best and I couldn't help but notice the grin on her face each time she touched it. When it was as dry as she could make it she moved down my body carefully and deliberately, drying my skin as I stood on the bathmat. When I was dry she held the robe out for me to slip my arms through and then she tied it at my waist. She got onto her toes and kissed me then. A lingering, loving kiss and I held her to me tightly while we stood there totally immersed in one another.

There was no makeup strewn dresser for me to sit at here so when she broke the kiss and tugged on my hand I followed her into her bedroom where she sat me at the dresser in there. She asked me to take the robe down off my shoulders and once I had she did as she'd done in Maine and rubbed me down with the scented lotion. She massaged my shoulders and back with her magical hands.

She kissed me randomly. Sometimes on the tops of my shoulders, sometimes at the temple but always with a smile for me in the mirror as she did it.

When the ritual was complete I began to wonder what would happen then. I didn't _think_ she'd bring me my clothing and ask me to dress before ushering me out the front door and I began to worry that she might when she left the room again.

I heard the front door lock being turned and then she returned to the bedroom with both our cell phones in hand. She placed them on the nightstand, pulled the covers on her bed back and then she came back to where I sat.

She reached for my hand and gave a little tug. "Come to bed sweetheart," she whispered.

We wouldn't sleep but it didn't matter. I followed her to the bed and took her into my arms. We talked and laughed and made plans. I laid there with my mate in my embrace for hours. I laid there collared and more securely attached to this girl than I'd ever been and ever would be to anyone else ever again.

There was never likely to be tender, passionate sex for us because that wasn't who either of us were. There wasn't likely to be soft caresses and whispered love confessions as our bodies joined because that wasn't what either of us needed from the other. Her safe word was exactly what she was to me. She was my shadow. The other half of myself that was only visible when the sun was shielded. And that's what our physical relationship was destined to be. When the sun rose above the horizon we'd be any other couple. We'd work and live and play within the family. We'd touch and comfort each other, show one another affection and respect. But when the sun slid behind the mountains and the darkness made itself known she'd become my shadow. We were both made up of light and dark and as one shone the other cast the shadow.

She was perfect and she was mine.

And as the sun rose the next morning I started to form a plan. Bella carried my venom in her veins and her flesh would forever exude my scent while we were in close contact. We'd vowed to one another that as dominant and submissive we'd never seek another arena to play in, or other players to play with. And yet there was still one way left for me to claim her. As a woman. Not a vampire female or a dominatrix, but as a human woman.

After a few moments of silent contemplation Bella asked what I was thinking. I didn't answer right away. Instead I rolled her so she was on her back, kissed her sweetly on her plump lips and placed a hand to her cheek. I waited until she'd nuzzled it and taken a hit of my scent and then I lowered my mouth to her ear.

"Marry me, my shadow?" I whispered.

She gasped but in the half second it took me to withdraw and look into her beautiful crimson ringed eyes she was smiling. And it was the cocky, calculating arrogant one I'd first seen on her face in that random club, on that random night in Maine. "Ah, _your_ shadow...For a shadow to be cast there first must be light. You are my light, Edward, and yes. Of course I will," she whispered, "anything to please you," she added as she yanked on the hair at the back of my neck and pulled my lips to hers.

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**A/N: Thank you for reading. **

**I hope to have the epilogue posted in a few hours. I have a few things to change and a bit of editing to do and then it will be yours. **

**Please review. **


	26. Epilogue

**A/N: I dedicate this story to my friend J without the support of whom this Edward would never have seen the light of day. With love and respect, your friend Maxi xxxx**

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**Epilogue – One Year On**

So here we are dear readers. It's time to tell you how all this has ended for me. It's time to ask your opinion on something important and it's time for me to finish this tale and put this journal away.

It has been an eventful year but I am pleased to tell you all that I am right where I want to be. Finally. I have my mate at my side and my family support and encourage us both in all things. I have found my niche in both my personal life and my professional life and that's all because of Bella.

It took some time, some months to be exact, to find and negotiate the peaceful life I have now. But it was all worth it and I'd do it all again.

Bella and I have slipped easily into our relationship, as complicated as it was to start off, as I knew we would. Fate had made her my singer but she loves me for no other reason other than I am right for her. I adore her and love her because she is my shadow. There could never be and will never be any other for me.

She has also slipped easily into life as a Cullen, though she is still a Swan and will be for three more days. The family love her and treat her as though she's been with us for a century. Esme has become the mother Bella had been denied as a human though Alice remains her true confidante. Rose has an interesting relationship with my mate that, to my eyes, seems to revolve around giggled insults and some rather rough horseplay. If there is a commotion in or around our home it is usually safe to assume that it is Rose and Bella arm wrestling, or hoisting giant boulders onto their shoulders and crashing through the forest. Once I watched them overturn a car just for the fun of it. They make an odd pair but they make it work and it's obvious how much they love one another.

Emmett and Jasper have changed the least out of us all. Emmett still sees everything in his simplistic black and white way and Jasper is still sensitive and secretive. But both treat Bella as a sister and I know that they both love her as such.

For Bella they've given her all that she had wanted from her step brother and had never received. Her new brothers include her in their games and seek her counsel on all things human. They protect her and respect her and she loves them in return for it.

Carlisle has spent the better portion of this last year just getting to know me again. He says I'm different now that I've taken a mate. He believes that I had always been capable of love but didn't ever seek it because destiny knew that Bella was yet to be born. He is sure that I was treading water until she was placed in my path. It's his theory and I'd never admit to him that I think he may be right for the simple fact that he crows so annoyingly when he's told he **is** right.

His relationship with Bella continues to grow.

My relationship with all of them is better now too. Not perfect, but then nothing ever is. We still bicker about ridiculous things and we still argue points of protocol or righteousness as vampires but never, not once since the day I turned Bella, has any of them questioned the bond I share with her.

It's as though the day she woke as one of us marked the end of the tense standoff we'd had between us for the four years prior. I don't know if they ever discussed it amongst themselves and came to a decision, and they certainly haven't discussed it with me, but when Bella woke they accepted her and I for what we were. A dominant and her submissive.

We returned to the Cullen house as engaged and were simply congratulated and allowed to go on as we'd planned. No fuss. No long drawn out explanations or debates. We were getting married and they were happy for us. That was it.

Bella phoned her father who had been very happy to hear from his daughter after a week of silence and once she'd assured him that she'd recovered sufficiently from her bout of 'flu' she asked if Charlie himself had heard from Jake.

The question did exactly what we'd predicted it would. Charlie attempted to locate his step son and when that proved impossible he filed a missing persons report so it could be dealt with officially.

To this day no trace of Jake has been found. He simply disappeared. There had been no movement on his bank accounts or calls made to or from his cell other than the messages of concern left by his fraught step sister and worried step father.

Nobody came forward with any information when Bella appeared on a local television station to plead for information about him and nobody responded to her column in her newspaper begging for him to contact his grieving family.

He was just simply gone.

And he stayed gone. We'd made sure of it.

When his home was searched nothing untoward was found. The family had done nothing to ensure his basement remained a secret but the police sent to search it never found it and it remains hidden to this day.

A search of his office turned up no information that proved helpful in either locating him or implicating him in anything untoward that may have led to his death.

The missing person file in the name of Jackson Albert Messop is still open and in a few years time Charlie will be able to apply to the court to have him declared legally deceased. Bella will inherit his house as his only living relative and then we will demolish it, basement and all.

But for now know that Jake stayed gone and Charlie came. And he stayed.

Bella had been nervous as hell to be near him that first time. She'd arranged to meet him at her home, not ours. We'd had several practise runs before the meeting and she'd been quite adept at controlling her thirst when in the company of random humans. It had been a risk but she'd managed well in short bursts.

She kept that visit brief and had hunted right after her father left but since then she'd never really looked back. What took some newborns years to achieve she managed in weeks and was soon out and about amongst the general population going about her business. We hunted frequently and even now she needs a larger volume of blood than I do, but she has never shown any signs of 'slipping'.

Charlie was nervous when he met me the first time and stayed nervous for weeks after. He'd heard of Carlisle Cullen the doctor and had been pleased that Bella was 'dating' a man from within such a good family, but as all dad's did he worried that our relationship was moving forward too quickly.

It had taken a while for him to feel comfortable around us but he eventually did and when the sad time came to consider that Jake was never coming back it was to the Cullen's he turned for emotional support. That cemented him as a part of our family and since that time he's come to accept that I love his little girl.

We never discuss the lifestyle and whether or not Bella and I were still a part of it. If Charlie knows, or suspects that we indulge in it either singly or together, he never mentions it and we never ask. It doesn't much matter in the end because when Bella announced to him that we were engaged (a full seven months after the fact to give Charlie time to get to know me) he congratulated us both warmly.

With the mysterious disappearance of Jackson Messop SS Introductions was left with no captain at the helm. I had assumed, somewhat ignorantly, that the business was solely Jakes. It had never occurred to me that Bella may have a stake in it, but she did. A little less than a half share but with Jake missing she was the majority owner present.

It was Libby who contacted Bella with the proposition that she run the organisation until Jake either returned or was proven to be dead. Felix was doing his best but he was a saviour at heart and not really geared toward making the match ups himself. He knew the ins and outs of the business but wasn't interested in taking on the roll of CEO long term.

Bella wasn't keen either.

She loved her job, had always only ever wanted to write and was happy with her position on the paper. She could work from home and only needed to be seen when it was unavoidable or when her job hinged on it. She was content to write from high up in the Cullen house in the room we still shared together and she wanted to keep it that way.

But that meant that the organisation would have to close. With nobody to oversee the day to day running it was unable to sustain itself. It was a chance encounter with Jessica that solved the issue.

Bella and I had been returning from paying the staff at the Port Angeles offices for what we thought was to be one of the last times when I heard Jessica calling my name from across the street. Bella and I crossed over and went with Jessica into a cafe when we were invited.

Bella did well to cover the fact that she couldn't consume the beverages and we both had a good catch up with Jess. She wished us well for finally having found one another and the obligatory ogling was made over Bella's ring and our impending wedding.

When Jess said how sorry she was to hear of Jake's disappearance Bella mentioned that the business was likely to be closing with nobody to run it. Jessica, like Libby before her, suggested that Bella do it herself. After all, Jessica mused, Bella had helped Jake set it all up and she knew as much about it as anyone. Bella duly explained that she wasn't interested and Jessica asked why I didn't take it on instead.

I remember Bella's wicked grin as she too asked me why I didn't take it on instead. I laughed at the idea at the time but later, once Bella and I were alone in her house, she pressed me for a good reason why I couldn't. I wasn't going to admit that I couldn't think of one so threw up every excuse I could think of. Bella shot each one down with considerable aplomb and I allowed her to coerce me into agreeing.

The first thing I did on my first day was to have Jasper hack into Jakes computer files. It didn't take long – Jake wasn't the sharpest crayon in the box – and within minutes I was in possession of every picture, recording and result from his spying on my mate and I.

I destroyed it all, the computer and its hard drive just to make doubly sure, and then bought a new setup for the office.

It took me only a few days to learn what I needed to and by the end of my first week I'd made several successful match ups. The matching software Jake had designed was actually very good. I found myself often wondering what he could've achieved had he set out to really help people instead of manipulate the step sister he should've wanted to see happy.

Felix was happy to return to being a saviour and after a not-so-random meeting I manufactured between him and Jessica in the reception area seemed to be happy with his lot in life and his newly formed dom/sub relationship with my former girlfriend.

I find, quite surprisingly, that I enjoy the product of my labour. I check in with the saviours after every match up and have come to enjoy knowing I've made the players happy.

As for my own personal player Bella, she's made me happy every second of every day since I found her. We decided to keep her home in Port Angeles and it has become our own personal arena. We play nowhere else. The only change we've made to the place is an enlargement of the bathroom. We knocked out the connecting wall to the laundry room and have added a dresser and chaise to the newly carpeted section.

It's nothing like the boudoir in 6C but we love it and the house for the privacy and intimacy it affords us.

We spend several hours of every night indulging our craving for one another in the Port Angeles house and then we return to the Cullen house to spend time with the family.

I have the best of both worlds. I love my mate and my new job. And for the first time in over a century there is nothing else I want. There is, however, one more thing I need.

In three short days Bella will become Mrs Isabella Marie Cullen. My Mrs Cullen. I'm not nervous and I'm eager to finally be wed. It will be a simple ceremony that will be attended by my family, Charlie Swan, Jessica and Felix, Libby, a few of Charlie's colleagues and a couple of Bella's friends she's known since high school. Carlisle is going to officiate and after the ceremony Bella and I are flying off to Rio to indulge in a little of what Carnivale has to offer.

And so I ask your opinion, my dear, dear readers. I have everything I want and will soon have the last thing I need. You've read my story and have stuck with me til the end. You've lived my lows and experienced my highs with me. And now I need but one thing from you.

Tell me, dear readers, in this day and age, is it appropriate for a groom to wear a leather collar and leash under his wedding day tux?

I eagerly await your instruction.

As ever I remain, your humble servant and submissive,

Edward Anthony Masen Cullen.

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**A/N: Thank you for reading. **

**For O: Thank you for sharing parts of yourself with me that has allowed me the extreme privilege of understanding you better. **

**For J: Thinking cap on woman, there are other nasty Edward's out there who need their stories told. **

**For Lance: Your patience and support is but a small portion of who you are but to me they are second only to your capacity to love me just as I need you to. **

**For P: I gave you life so you could live it. Live it to it's full even if those around you don't understand why you need to be loved the way you do. **

**For R: He's unlike you in almost every way except for his heart. It's in you and I've seen it. **

**And for you, dear readers, thank you for your support and encouragement. I do hope you've enjoyed this tale. **

**Thank you for your reviews and the time you took to explore this side of an Edward you all thought you were going to hate in the beginning. **

**Edward has given you three days to cast your vote. If he's to wear the collar vote yes, if you'd rather he didn't vote no. **

**The results of your valued opinions will be posted as an update to this story after the deadline. **

**Much love and good wishes to you and yours,**

**Maxi**

**xxx**


	27. Voting has closed

The results are in!

A recap on what the vote was for...

~ Tell me, dear readers, in this day and age, is it appropriate for a groom to wear a leather collar and leash under his wedding day tux? ~

As it stands, we have 41 votes for yes and 13 votes for no.

However, amongst that number were quite a few suggestions.

I've picked out my faves.

- Perhaps Bella could buy him a slim one, one that won't be quite so 'seen' under his tux?

- What if Bella finally decided she wanted it to be Edward that collared her for the first time, and on their wedding day because it would mean so much, she walks down the aisle in a collar and Charlie holds the leash?

- Edward could have his collar bedazzled for the wedding.

- What if instead of exchanging rings they exchange collars?

- What if, instead of the ribbons being tied around their hands like in Jewish ceremonies, they have the leash from his collar wrapped around their hands?

I must say people, where were you when I was brainstorming in the middle of the night? Huh?

Come on, fess up, you're all secretly doms or subs behind closed doors, aren't you?

Would've saved me having to dump my internet history after I finished the book if you'd have all stumped up suggestions like those above. Hows does one explain why mummy has the words, 'what is a spreader bar' in the drop down Google box?

Thanks for playing along everyone who did.

This story was so much fun for me, and I hope you've enjoyed it too.

Don't forget to check out my new one, The Bad Vampires Handbook.

Cheers all,

love and best wishes to you and yours,

Maxi

xxxx


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